Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 24, 2024, 01:46:14 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Damaged from BPD ex...  (Read 527 times)
SomeChick673

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: December 05, 2018, 04:00:05 PM »

Hello-

I've posted once before but having posted in a while... .I just want to admit this to people that don't know me... .

A little background... .I am female and had a BPD "friendship" with a male that went on for 15 years. We were on and off for some of that time but mostly on. This was all "all consuming" friendship... .other romantic relationships I had during that time usually ended up causing a temporary break in the "friendship" with the BPD because he could not bare not having the attention on him.

This ex friend has a lot of friends like this in his life. This is kind of his thing... It allows him to have multiple deep relationships going on at once. I haven't spoken to this friend for about 4 years now. Although he periodically tries to contact me... .I ignore him.

My reason for posting is that I cannot shake the feeling that something is really wrong with me. I think that 15 years is just too long to recover from and go back to being "normal." I met this friend at 14 (starting having BPD type issues with him at 16) and it definitely shaped my personality as a adult.

In my early teen years, before having the BPD drama with my friend (he was pretty normal in the first few years of our friendship and then had a nervous breakdown and changed completely)... .I had normal relationships. I liked my boyfriends... and had the whole "puppy" love type feelings going on. I got attached to my boyfriends and felt happy. Ever since the drama started with the BPD friend... .I have never been the same in relationships. I have developed the same critical eye of people that my BPD friend had for others.

Most of my time and conversations with the BPD friend (nearly every day) were spent psychoanalyzing others and pointing out their flaws. When it wasn't others... he would then be doing this to me. He would also triangulate and convince me that EVERYONE else saw these flaws in me as well. Most of what he did to me is typical of what people describe as classic narcissistic-type abuse. This BPD friend was also diagnosed with being NPD as well as BPD... .and even histrionic and Bi-Polar.

I think I am partially convinced something is wrong with me bc my BPD friend would have tons and tons of  negative to say about me. But also because of my difficulty being happy in relationships. I haven't been able to put words to my experience until now, but would now say that I have what is clinically described as an "dismissive avoidant" attachment style.  I will get into relationships... .bc I DO want the closeness... .but ultimately just focus on the flaws in my partner (often not openly expressed to them) and convince myself that they are just not for me. I have a hard time accepting that everyone has flaws and loving the good parts of people. I will just find flaws... .and dismiss that person of being worthy of being with.  Prior to the 15 year  stint with the BPD... .I do not recall having such an attachment style. I felt "normal." While I saw personality traits in exes that could be considered "flaws"... .it didn't change my feelings towards them...

This issue is so bad... .that I could go from being ready to blurt out "we need to break up... .this isn't working for me" one second... .to then wanting to move forward and even consider marrying the person an hour later. This is all internal... .I do not express these thoughts openly to the partner. But I sometimes wonder if my body language does. It's like I am constantly judging everything the person does and says minute by minute and it is altering my view of them.

This is something my BPD friend did to me and others frequently... .and openly. We all knew that minute by minute we could say something that would cause him to make a complete turn around and hate us.

I  know my thoughts are irrational, but sometimes debate whether its just me not trusting my instincts with people. My ex BPD friend made me question every thought I ever had... .as a result I stopped trusting my instincts. Not sure if this is a case of me seeing valid things in other people that I personally don't like... .OR if I am just stuck on fault finding... .a pattern of behavior I engaged in constantly with my BPD ex.

I find my self stuck with this question... .did this attachment style development in me as a result of parenting? I definitely had issues with my mother growing up... .she was very much not attuned to my needs and I did not have a voice with her... .she was a bit NPD herself... .but more because of lack of maturity over intent.  OR did this style of relating come as a result of the 15 year long BPD friendship? Most would say parenting is the reason I was with the BPD person... .but he wasnt BPD for the first 2 years... and I was attached to him by the time he had a turn around.   And also... .why the few years stint before the BPD friend with normal relationships?


I know its a lot I typed... .
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12732



« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2018, 05:23:11 PM »

hi SomeChick673,

I haven't been able to put words to my experience until now, but would now say that I have what is clinically described as an "dismissive avoidant" attachment style.

this (attachment styles) is a good place to explore what you are describing... .

before we go a bit deeper, can you give this quiz a shot, and share your results here? www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

more information on attachment styles here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0;prev_next=prev
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
SomeChick673

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 06:24:35 PM »

Thanks so much for those quizzes. I actually came up with a overall "secure" attachment style... .shockingly. Most of my relationships were on the border of "secure" and "dismissive avoidant". My dad and childhood friend on the secure side... and my boyfriend and mother on the dismissive avoidant side. Gotta say... .that makes sense.

I can really depend on my boyfriend to be there for me and I feel comfortable with him, but he is really not good when talking about emotional topics. He had an extremely hard childghood and as a result kind of has no tolerance for people making big deals over things that arent serious. Although when he is not face to face with the person... has a lot of empathy for them. He has a "toughen up" attitude when dealing with people sometimes. Although... .there was one a kid he knew that was suicidal and he was very empathetic and spoke to the kid for hours... .I think its when people make big deals over things he does not think are serious... he shows little understanding. So it makes me more hesitant to open up to him... .i am just unsure what issues he will be empathetic towards and what he will not.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12732



« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 12:17:34 AM »

Thanks so much for those quizzes. I actually came up with a overall "secure" attachment style... .shockingly.

me too... .

the interesting thing though, is that our attachment styles arent fixed, but are flexible. my familial attachments are secure... .friendships are mostly secure. ive shown an insecure style in most of my romantic relationships. with my uBPDex, i would have looked a bit on the avoidant side (i was still insecure, but my coping mechanisms looked different). what i notice is that a lot of it has to do with how the other person interacts, or doesnt interact with me.

something probably isnt "wrong" with you, at least not fundamentally or permanently. there are probably lessons to be learned. i prefer to liken it more to "bad manners". if youre invited to dinner, and you slurp your food, chew with your mouth open, talk over other guests, dont thank your host, you probably wont be invited back, right? it doesnt mean something about you is inherently flawed, just that it would help to shift to a "good manners" model. all of this stuff can be learned, unlearned; new, healthier mechanisms can be learned.

I will get into relationships... .bc I DO want the closeness... .but ultimately just focus on the flaws in my partner (often not openly expressed to them) and convince myself that they are just not for me. I have a hard time accepting that everyone has flaws and loving the good parts of people. I will just find flaws... .and dismiss that person of being worthy of being with.

a lot of this becomes more prominent as we get older. what worked for us in our earlier years worked... .until it didnt.

all of us do this (find flaws) on some level; i do this with new friends. a lot of it is projection. the things that annoy us most about others are often things we find less tolerable about ourselves, or who we used to be. sometimes it can run deeper and prevent us from sustaining relationships (you seem to be indicating that this tendency does that). sometimes, in certain ways and on certain levels, we might fear intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with it. this can be especially hard to see, because we are wired for bonding; most people (unless they are either mentally ill and naturally very distrustful, deeply wounded by others, or for that matter (theres plenty of room in between) might frankly just be grieving something, or going through depression, and need normal alone time, are emotionally unavailable)... .long to be close to others, but through fear, some of us find ways to prevent that bonding. either of those hit home at all?

I  know my thoughts are irrational, but sometimes debate whether its just me not trusting my instincts with people.

perhaps some of both. i often idealize new people, see the best of them, and then devalue them when im disappointed in some way, especially if i get the impression they dont like me (we all do this to some extent, and some of us more than others). sometimes i get a funny feeling about a person thats hard to articulate, but when i do, others think im totally off base, and then i wind up feeling vindicated... .people are complex, and some of our "read" on them may be dead on, some of it not at all. i think how we cope, how we react, whether we can get along with and navigate the general populous is most important. can we be close to others, be vulnerable? if not, theres a problem.

a lot of this instinct comes from our gut. we cant solely rely on our gut, it has many biases.

I find my self stuck with this question... .did this attachment style development in me as a result of parenting?

parenting may be a significant part of it. fears, relationships that confirm or deny those fears can all play a role, as can any form of adversity you came across in life.

OR did this style of relating come as a result of the 15 year long BPD friendship?

probably not. it may have been more pronounced and fully realized than it had been previously. it may have confirmed or denied fears, beliefs, world views. we certainly pick up mannerisms and even some behaviors from those closest to us, but personality traits and attachment styles arent contagious, so to speak. there are reasons you connected to, and related to this person, in spite of the difficulty you had with them, and it would be good to examine.

Most would say parenting is the reason I was with the BPD person... .

i would say its not that simple. all of us come from very diverse childhood backgrounds. neither of my parents had NPD or BPD. what is true is that our families provide our earliest blueprint for relationships, and we tend to rely on it. for everyone, that will serve us in some ways, and hinder us in others.

but he wasnt BPD for the first 2 years... and I was attached to him by the time he had a turn around.   And also... .why the few years stint before the BPD friend with normal relationships?

do you mean he wasnt diagnosed in the first two years that you knew him? BPD is a personality style... .a diagnosis is more about a point of crisis in ones life that leads to that diagnosis.

the answer to the second question is that you were a teenager and a lot of this was less ingrained and prominent until you became older. same reason i had normal middle school relationships, and by the time i got to high school, became way too attached, obsessed, easily wounded, and then, seemingly at least, switched gears around the time i got with my ex. the functional stuff and the dysfunctional stuff is like a seed that grows over time. we adapt to both.

how long have you been with your boyfriend?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5536



« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 12:35:53 AM »

During our life time we attach to people for different reasons. At 14 we are impressionable, we try on lots of different relationships as we try to define who we are. So befreinding your friend when you did meant something to you then.

In relationships, romantic or otherwise we need to evaluate why we stayed once the red flags were evident. I don’t know you so it would be remiss of me to speculate.

For I stayed in my relationship for a load of reasons:
1) I was getting something from the relationship to. My damaged ego was bolstered every time I was put on the pedestal
2) my parents had very poor boundaries and I had no role model to teach me what was ok and what wasn’t
3) I was prescribed as a child to be the good girl and don’t make a fuss - to comply. This translate to me not feeling I can and feeling guilty for turning my back on someone who needs me
4) I was ignoring my own needs at the expense of someone else (self worth was low)
5) I invest in relationships and therefore cannot leave - failure

I wouldn’t say I was damaged - I was misguided. I needed to almost relearn some key skills that wasn’t afforded to me as a child. Don’t get me wrong I had a great childhood however I was somewhat ignored when my father drank and I wasn’t permitted feelings or boundaries and I was shut down if I did.

Hope this helps but you are doing well in looking inward. That mirror will provide you with amazing life lessons so you don’t miss the red flags

it’s possible you needed a person to
Logged

Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2018, 09:59:17 AM »

Hi, SomeChick673.   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  Welcome to the Learning board. 

I joined this site a couple of years ago to process a relationship I had as a teen and can relate very much to the questions you're asking.

It sounds like you've got a chicken and egg question in front of you.  Was it your parenting or this friendship that set the stage for your adult concerns? 

This is a great question to bring to a therapist.  Is therapy something you've thought about?
Logged

Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2018, 10:29:36 AM »

A few more questions . . .

What made the friendship attractive to you?

How did you feel when you were with your friend?

What was it like breaking off the friendship?

How do you feel today?

Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!