Thanks so much for those quizzes. I actually came up with a overall "secure" attachment style... .shockingly.
me too... .
the interesting thing though, is that our attachment styles arent fixed, but are flexible. my familial attachments are secure... .friendships are mostly secure. ive shown an insecure style in most of my romantic relationships. with my uBPDex, i would have looked a bit on the avoidant side (i was still insecure, but my coping mechanisms looked different). what i notice is that a lot of it has to do with how the other person interacts, or doesnt interact with me.
something probably isnt "wrong" with you, at least not fundamentally or permanently. there are probably lessons to be learned. i prefer to liken it more to "bad manners". if youre invited to dinner, and you slurp your food, chew with your mouth open, talk over other guests, dont thank your host, you probably wont be invited back, right? it doesnt mean something about you is inherently flawed, just that it would help to shift to a "good manners" model. all of this stuff can be learned, unlearned; new, healthier mechanisms can be learned.
I will get into relationships... .bc I DO want the closeness... .but ultimately just focus on the flaws in my partner (often not openly expressed to them) and convince myself that they are just not for me. I have a hard time accepting that everyone has flaws and loving the good parts of people. I will just find flaws... .and dismiss that person of being worthy of being with.
a lot of this becomes more prominent as we get older. what worked for us in our earlier years worked... .until it didnt.
all of us do this (find flaws) on some level; i do this with new friends. a lot of it is projection. the things that annoy us most about others are often things we find less tolerable about ourselves, or who we used to be. sometimes it can run deeper and prevent us from sustaining relationships (you seem to be indicating that this tendency does that). sometimes, in certain ways and on certain levels, we might fear intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with it. this can be especially hard to see, because we are wired for bonding; most people (unless they are either mentally ill and naturally very distrustful, deeply wounded by others, or for that matter (theres plenty of room in between) might frankly just be grieving something, or going through depression, and need normal alone time, are emotionally unavailable)... .long to be close to others, but through fear, some of us find ways to prevent that bonding. either of those hit home at all?
I know my thoughts are irrational, but sometimes debate whether its just me not trusting my instincts with people.
perhaps some of both. i often idealize new people, see the best of them, and then devalue them when im disappointed in some way, especially if i get the impression they dont like me (we all do this to some extent, and some of us more than others). sometimes i get a funny feeling about a person thats hard to articulate, but when i do, others think im totally off base, and then i wind up feeling vindicated... .people are complex, and some of our "read" on them may be dead on, some of it not at all. i think how we cope, how we react, whether we can get along with and navigate the general populous is most important. can we be close to others, be vulnerable? if not, theres a problem.
a lot of this instinct comes from our gut. we cant solely rely on our gut, it has many biases.
I find my self stuck with this question... .did this attachment style development in me as a result of parenting?
parenting may be a significant part of it. fears, relationships that confirm or deny those fears can all play a role, as can any form of adversity you came across in life.
OR did this style of relating come as a result of the 15 year long BPD friendship?
probably not. it may have been more pronounced and fully realized than it had been previously. it may have confirmed or denied fears, beliefs, world views. we certainly pick up mannerisms and even some behaviors from those closest to us, but personality traits and attachment styles arent contagious, so to speak. there are reasons you connected to, and related to this person, in spite of the difficulty you had with them, and it would be good to examine.
Most would say parenting is the reason I was with the BPD person... .
i would say its not that simple. all of us come from very diverse childhood backgrounds. neither of my parents had NPD or BPD. what is true is that our families provide our earliest blueprint for relationships, and we tend to rely on it. for everyone, that will serve us in some ways, and hinder us in others.
but he wasnt BPD for the first 2 years... and I was attached to him by the time he had a turn around. And also... .why the few years stint before the BPD friend with normal relationships?
do you mean he wasnt diagnosed in the first two years that you knew him? BPD is a personality style... .a diagnosis is more about a point of crisis in ones life that leads to that diagnosis.
the answer to the second question is that you were a teenager and a lot of this was less ingrained and prominent until you became older. same reason i had normal middle school relationships, and by the time i got to high school, became way too attached, obsessed, easily wounded, and then, seemingly at least, switched gears around the time i got with my ex. the functional stuff and the dysfunctional stuff is like a seed that grows over time. we adapt to both.
how long have you been with your boyfriend?
