Trying to cope with my spouse.

[Digitdoug]

I didn't join this to just complain about my situation that would accomplish nothing. I'm looking more for encouragement and insight. I do the reading and there are effective ways of communicating. I'm not supposed to take things personally or be offended bye BPD Behavior, just supposed to stay objective. Sometimes it's not easy especially when my past behavior is used against me and I'm painted in this extreme negative light. Sometimes I just have to walk away cuz I can't handle listening to so much negativity. It's not what the book says to do but sometimes I just have to cuz I can't take it anymore. After while I start believing that I deserve to be abused emotionally. I know that there are times when I haven't coped well and made poor choices but I've taken personal responsibility for my past Behavior. My wife continues to bring it up and use it against me. She will say things like I obviously married the wrong person. Anyway I get discouraged sometimes I need to talk to people who go through when I go through. Thank you for reading this and listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi DigitDoug,

Welcome to the family!

I'm glad you found us. There are lots of members here who will relate to your situation and be able to offer support and advice.

When you say you have to walk away, do you mean leaving the room or a similar temporary break? If so, then I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. I think it shows insight and self-awareness and can help prevent things from escalating. It can help to tell our pwBPD (person with BPD) that the break is temporary, so we lessened the risk of triggering their abandonment fears, e.g. "I need to take a break now - we can talk about this later on, when we have both calmed down". Are you saying something like that?

[Ozzie101]

Hi DigitDoug!  

I can definitely relate to what you're going through. My husband is, I strongly believe, an undiagnosed person with BPD. When he's in one of his moods, I'm his primary target. He will remember every negative thing I ever did and bring it up to beat the dead horse some more. Or he'll bring up something I never even knew was a problem. He'll preface it with "I'm not criticizing you, but... ." Last night, it was my dusting skills. First time he's mentioned that at all.

And the "I obviously married the wrong person" thing? My husband has said that many times too. Sometimes in the same conversation as "I love you more than anything in the world. I can't lose you." It's enough to make your head spin right off your body. It's part of the BPD and it's not rational. But, in a BPD way, it makes sense. I've believe that in my case, it's him pushing me away ("I have to push people away before they abandon me") and then also desperately hanging on. The two sides of the Fear of Abandonment coin.

For them, their feelings are facts. If you somehow make them feel bad (even unintentionally) or you don't validate what they're feeling or feel what they're feeling, then you become "bad" or the enemy somehow. When he gets worked up about something and I don't, it tends to trigger him because he feels like I should feel exactly the same way. They can't handle what's going on inside so they project onto us. It is very hard to be the barrel they dump all this into.

Sometimes what H lashes out at me for, I know, is actually something he sees in himself.

Walking away is, sometimes, the best thing you can do. You're fortunate you're able to do it. I tried it a few nights ago and wasn't physically able to since H followed me and just kept going.

I just joined this board a little over a month ago but I've already found the advice, input and support of fellow board members invaluable.

Very best wishes to you!

[Digitdoug]

Ozzie101,
Thank you for the reply. Sometimes it's just helpful to know that there are others going through what I am and no I'm not going crazy. 2 words you you used that really hit home that I see and almost succession with my wife. First something seems to trigger her and I'll even tell her, I think you're triggered. That doesn't do any good for her but it puts things in perspective for me. Then she'll get rather verbally aggressive with me and start projecting onto me her behavior. She'll even use terms like, I'm not going to walk on eggshells around you. I think to myself, wait a minute that's my line.
My wife has not been diagnosed either, however when relating her symptoms to a counselor he said yes she has BPD. My wife also has a paranoid aspect as well. Some people ask why I stay and I usually tell them that what I said at the altar I meant. To sickness and health. She is sick. I just need to stay healthy in the relationship setting limits and going about my life. We don't have mutual friends and she rarely gets out of the house. She does what she can to keep me from going out, usually guilt manipulation techniques. But I've learned to ignore those and go and do what is healthy.