My daughter is homeless again - II.

[jones54]

Hi WD and HB,
I met with the therapist and he said it would be of no use writing the letter because she would just pick it apart and get mad. She honestly has learned very little after we have cut her off. She only knows she has to work if she is going to have a roof over her head. She literal cannot get along with anyone. She has now been texting me endlessly but unfortunately it is just one constant rage how we are terrible parents and she is the victim because we will not help her. It is fruitless to try to explain myself to her because she never wants to take responsibility for her actions. It is always everyone else's fault. The only way she would ever get better is with intense therapy. I had this set up for her and I do not think she ever went and simply left for Florida. I hate to say but nothing has changed other than that she is now is another State. At least if she is homeless she will not freeze in a snowbank. Sorry to say this but is one of the few positive things I can think of. I have a friend whose daughter lived for years in Miami doing drugs and finally stopped after she went into a 3 week coma. Not sure how she could handle this but she did. My therapist simply said be brief when you respond. I so want to spill my guts and tell her all that I have done for her but know she will turn it around and make me look as I was abusive to her (I sent her to multiple rehabs around the country which cost a lot of money. I was fortunate to be able to pay for this and she blames me for sending her away). She  hates her life and instead of looking in the mirror and finally telling herself she needs to change, she simply blames everyone else. She is so mentally ill only God can help her by doing a miracle to have her want to get help. There is literally nothing more I can do. I have tried for 15 years (maybe to make myself feel better as well) but it has been to no avail. I think I have to step away and accept that there may be a small glimmer of hope she will seek help for herself. If I stay in this chaos I will never be happy again in my life. I see no other choice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Jones,

I am in exactly the same place with my daughter. My therapist told me if I don't step away she will ruin my life.

I'm sorry to hear she keeps texting awful things to you. I ended up moving my phone number to Google voice and getting a new one for my phone. My daughter is now the only one who contacts me on my old number and since it's not attached to a phone, I can check it online when I feel like it. I think I am only going to check it once a week when I'm in therapy. Maybe something like that would be helpful for you? It's hard to step back when your phone is basically being bombed with text messages.

I am sorry it's come to this. You are handling it well, as well as is humanly possible. It helps me to know that I did everything I could, I hope you can also take some solace in that. There's no way you could have tried harder or loved her more. Now it's up to her.

[jones54]

Thanks Hyacinth. That has been one of the more difficult things I have not been able to do, block her texts or shut off her phone since I am now paying for it. For some reason I feel her having the phone is a life line if an emergency happens. The hate texts are no fun but I do not let them bother me since she has done this done this for so long and is a form of manipulation to make me feel bad. Yet, yesterday I even said to her that this last year has been the worst of my life being placed on antidepressants, seeing a therapist and fighting off the thoughts of hurting myself because I have felt so low. She simply responded with hate texts without acknowledging any of what I said. She is the most mean, self centered person who will not accept responsibility for her actions. She has always played the victim. This response really bothered me. I feel the only way I can survive is to look at what she is and want nothing to do with her. If she was anyone else I would have gotten away from her a long time ago due to her abuse towards me. It is just such a struggle because for over 15 years II have tried so hard to make things better for her. Then I fully pulled back in hopes she would hit "rock bottom". Nothing ever seems to help other than when she is in a fully controlled environment (rehab) that she is better. She just is not able to live on her own (although therapists and others have said she can do it if she wants it bad enough... .just maybe she would rather be the victim than try to get help to make life better). It is so hard for me to just "throw in the towel". Having acceptance and having little hope does not sit well with me.  It would be so much easier if we did not care for our kids and then not be so troubled when their life was such a mess. I have to stop making excuses for her because of her disease. As my therapist said, BPD is not a psychosis (they cannot help themselves) but a neurosis whereby they are aware of right and wrong AND can chose to get help to make their life better. So sorry you are going thru the same thing as me.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Jones,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply. The past couple of years have been the worst of my life, too. It feels like we have literally gone to the ends of the earth and into the depths of hell for our kids.

I was talking to my therapist this week about how it would be easier in a lot of ways if my daughter was a sociopath/had anti-social personality disorder. Seeing the glimmers of who she could be are what have kept me strung along. If she was a sociopath there would be no hope.

I'm sorry she responded that way to you, that is so hurtful. Their perspectives are so myopic it seems like they can barely see an inch in front of them. It's also incredibly emotionally and psychologically abusive.

My husband keeps repeating a quote he saw somewhere to me... ."You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." It's a helpful reminder for me. It does feel like that a lot of the time.

I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend and enjoy yourself. Lots of hugs 

[jones54]

Hi Hyacinth,
I like what your husband said about not needing to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Makes sense. I also agree that it is so hard when we get these glimmers of hope when they seem to be "normal" only to have the bottom fall out again and they revert to their old self. I guess they call that riding the BPD roller coaster.
Well, on Friday I found out she ran out of money in Florida and had to spend two nights in a homeless shelter (I guess the ones in Florida are very over crowded). She reached out to an old friend back home (he is my age) and asked for help. He gave her bus money and she is now back. She was going to go to the homeless shelter here but he took her in temporarily. He has been communicating with her mother. Will not let her stay there but is trying to help find housing for her. She actually has another job and according to him wants seriously to go to therapy. I am glad to hear this but so many times in the past she would say "Dad, it is different this time" meaning she was going to be serious about getting better. The true miracle is she has remained off heroin.
So sorry that your daughter continues to disrespect you. I am sure you are are a wonderful mother. As they say in alanon, love the person but hate the disease (very difficult at times!).

[wendydarling]

jones  

Florida did not work out (hopefully off the bucket list), she felt the consequence of her action and reached out to get back. She did not reach out to you, to help her sounds positive. I hope this is a step to her getting back on track, stepping out of victim mode she firmly holds onto. Unfortunately getting better can include dropping the shoe from time to time as we know, see here. Everyday they're not on drugs is a blessing and one step forward.

Hugs to you  

WDx

[zachira]

I feel so sad for you that things have not worked out with your daughter after you have done everything humanly possible to help her. Parents do not choose their children, and sometimes we have a child with severe mental illness who we cannot help. Know that we support you in your decision to let your daughter find her own way and respect you enormously in making her solely responsible for her recovery. Post here anytime about your sorrow about your loss because it can be helpful to share your grief from time to time, as you will never stop loving your daughter or wishing the best for her.

[jones54]

Thanks Zachira,
I appreciate your kind words. I actually sent her an email and finally explained why her mother and I have done what we have done for the past year. I more or less explained we had no choice because if we did not pull back she would possibly never stop the heroin and die. Also tried to make her understand when she went away to rehab in another state it was not to abandon her but to help her. Everything we do is a negative to her.  I finally said that it appeared that she wanted nothing to do with her parents and that would be her choice. I said to let us know when she changed her mind and we would be happy to reconnect. That was last week. She never responded which may be good since most all her responses are raging hate texts. She is getting all her needs met by someone else who is putting her up so there is no need for us. Sad but true. Time to stay back and try working on a happier life for myself.
WD, thanks for your note as well. Sorry I never responded. Yes, if she is truly sober that is one blessing.

[Skip]

I finally said that it appeared that she wanted nothing to do with her parents and that would be her choice. I said to let us know when she changed her mind and we would be happy to reconnect. That was last week.

Know that she heard this. It planted the right seed. Hopefully there will be a time soon when it germinates.

[jones54]

Thanks Skip. I appreciate your encouraging words. I truly hope she gets this. Hard to sit back and wait for this to germinate but not sure what else we can do.

[zachira]

While you wait, keep us posted on your feelings and what is happening. There are many people who post here, or who just read the posts who are in a similar situation to yours, and are helped by hearing your story. Expressing your feelings in constructive ways, like posting here, going to therapy, talking to trusted friends, doing what you enjoy the most, will help you to be less invested in your daughter's well being than she is, which in the end could help her to take the steps she needs to, to stay clean and lead a productive happy life. I know I have told you this before. It is so hard for parents and those who work with people with addictions to not be more concerned that the person who is addicted about their recovery. This type of concern can show in words, looks, and actions, and it so hard not to do when we are truly caring people, especially loving parents who only want the best for our children. You have let your daughter know,you are there for her if she chooses to contact you, and that is all you can do for now. I am so sad for you, after all you have done to help your daughter, yet I admire your efforts to leave no stone unturned, and if your daughter starts becoming more realistic, she will realize how lucky she is to have such dedicated parents, as most people with addictions have been cut off by their families a long time ago.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

I agree with zachira. We are all her (to use a golf analogy) to play the long game... .make the best decisions for the long term outcome. Thing are constantly evolving.

We are also in it together. To stand by one-another is this walk.

[jones54]

Thanks Zachira and Skip. I appreciate what you say. What is going on now seems like a replay. It was a year ago we pulled back due to her heroin use hoping she would hit rock bottom. Not sure if she ever did but as far as we know she remains sober. Things got a bit better over the summer in our relationship but now feel we are back at square one pulling back (actually she is the one who wants nothing to do with us) in hopes she gets therapy for her BPD. Not sure which is harder. At least she is not homeless at this point. I think the most important thing is that you have to keep telling yourself that it is out of your control. Yes, this craziness has gone on for over 15 years so to think things will change overnight is unrealistic. So yes, have to be in this for the long haul. Thanks again for being here on this site.

[zachira]

We are here for you to listen and help in any way we can when you need to post. I really admire how you have kept expressing your feelings and thoughts throughout this. So many of our members periodically post or just disappear and then things change so much more slowly or not at all.