My mom has BPD, I mimic some of her behavior. What does this mean?

[Lou_june]

Hi everyone! I’m brand new here. After years and years of dealing with odd and destructive behavior from my mom, and dealing with anxiety and depression of my own, I’m just staring to scratch the surface of BPD and recognize the damage it has caused in my personal life and the lives of my family members. We all thought my mom just had a temper. That she was possessive, manipulative and controlling because she had past trauma she had never dealt with. It hasn’t been until this year that we have all noticed that her behavior perfectly aligns with that of someone with BPD. She won’t get treatment, she admits someone has diagnosed her with this before but insists they are wrong. Knowing I can’t change her or predict her behavior, the focus now has been on healing. There has been so much relief in finding out that her behavior has a name, and that I wasn’t making it up in my head. However, picking up the pieces has left me feeling like I’m picking up the wreckage after a horrible storm. I just got the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook, and it has been an incredible help. However, I notice some of these irrational behaviors in myself. Especially when it comes to moodiness, emotional instability, and feelings of guilt and emptiness. Low self esteem also is something I have struggled with. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so I know some of those things are symptoms of that, but how do I know that I don’t have BPD myself? How do I know that my feelings of anger, mood swings, anxiety and low self esteem are results of being raised by someone with BPD or if it is BPD itself? I have two kids and am so afraid that I’ll ruin them because I don’t quite know how to regulate my own emotions. I have been in therapy on and off for years to help with my own feelings of anxiety, and I have learned so much about how to cope. However, i’ve never understood why the anxiousness came from and now I feel like it’s because my childhood was so dysfunctional and I didn’t even see it. It became so normal as a kid I didn’t even think twice about it. I’m angry now because I see that it WASNT normal. That I kind of became a pushover and just did whatever she asked to avoid outbursts. And I now can’t trust any of my own decisions or anyone else very well. I am thankful to have an amazingly supportive husband. He has been incredible while I’ve tried to navigate this over the years and I don’t know what I’d do without him! However, I am afraid that I will not recognize my own destructive behavior, that my anxiousness and depression will someday get worse, and Iwill damage my own family. Has anyone else felt like this? How do I know if my feelings are just from being parented by someone with BP and not because I have developed it?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I'm glad you reached out and posted.  We can help and support you so you are in the right place.

How do I know that my feelings of anger, mood swings, anxiety and low self esteem are results of being raised by someone with BPD or if it is BPD itself?

  I don't see much difference between the two really.  Some people refer to the learned behaviors as fleas but I don't like that term.  Regardless of how we get these behaviors, it is up to us to change them.  Awareness is only the first step.  Working on change and learning better ways of responding rather than reacting is the next.

Learning about BPD and how it has influenced your life is a huge deal and can be quite unsettling.  You are right that our sense of normal is off.  We've got you though and along with your husband, we can support you as you work your way through to a better way of being (cue dramatic music here). 

At the top of the board there is a thread titled Survivor to Thriver Workshop  There are three main parts:  Remembering, Mourning, Healing.  Each item listed expands when you click it.  Where do you see yourself on the Guide?  Remembering?  Step 1, 4... .?

Let us know and we can talk more.

[Lou_june]

Thank you so much for your response! And thank you for the link to the Survivor to Thriver page. It looks like I’m barely in the second phase of remembering. I have a hard time calling my mom emotionally abusive because I’m so used to excusing the behavior.  Maybe there’s a bit of denial there, I don’t know! It’s all a whole mess right now haha I feel like I just woke up in the twilight zone! I’m going to be calling around to see if I can meet with a therapist soon. I just think I might need to meet in person with someone to organize my thoughts. It feels like a lot of my childhood memories are jumbled up. Hopefully it’ll start to get a little clearer as I go along.

[Harri]

I think reaching out to a counselor is a great idea.  I've been in therapy (on a bit of a break right now) but it has done a world of good for me.  Getting a more healthy perspective, having someone to talk with that I can tell anything to and someone to guide me through some really difficult stuff helped.  Posting here helped me to and in some ways helped me ore just by having someone I could talk to 24/7, ya know?

Emotional abuse is, I think, the hardest to identify and label.  It gets right into our core and can twist and turn through everything.  I'm not saying that to scare you though.  Just to let you know it is tough but it is possible to accept that it happened and to learn new beliefs about you, your value and how you relate tot he world.  We are all working o that in one way or another.

I don't know if you are denying.  Maybe.  I did for a long time.  I also still minimize and every once in a while something will pop up in my head and I will be struck by just how serious it was.  What happened is a big deal and it left marks.  The good news is that we can change and learn to cope better.

I hope you read and jump into posts here as doing work on the board can be quite helpful in addition to therapy.  Here we don't just vent and sympathize we actually work on learning new ways.  Things will get clearer.  It takes time and it is a process <--- so true but I still hate that statement!  Okay, I am just chatting right now so I will be quiet and give you some time to settle in. 

 

[Lou_june]

Thank you so much!  I love that you said this is a place for more than just venting - I am a super action driven person so I love that there are already so many tools here and steps to help me understand it all better. Seems to be much more productive that way and that’s what I want! Thanks again for your help and answers! It’s already lessened a bit of the grief!

[Harri]

   Yes, that is why I have kept coming back for about 4 years.  Don't get me wrong, you can vent too but we will try to pull you back to center and focus on you and not just taking care of you but changing so you have have a better life.

this really is a unique place.    

It's good to have you.

[nenarox2]

My counselor says that the fact that you are asking that question shows that you do not have it- but that you are mimicking what was a modeled normal for your. My mother has been diagnosed twice with BPD, and she also lies to her counselors and then ends the relationship when it is evident that she is in denial about her diagnosis. I have asked myself these same questions and see that I have the potential to be extremely unstable as that was what was modeled. I have been aware of her illness for 10 years now and still periodically return to therapy to cope with her, myself, and the trauma that I was raised in. I want you to know that you are not alone in asking this question, the difference between you and her, is that you are aware and she thinks it is normal. Keep vigilant about the awareness and work to overcome. This page has helped me realize that I am not alone and how to set boundaries with my mBPD, myself, and my family.  You can overcome this and you can learn to set boundaries and then reset those boundaries when the manipulative BPD family member learns to overcome those too.

NEN

[once removed]

we do have members on the board with BPD who have asked this question.

the question that has always made sense to me is "i have these unhealthy behaviors, what can i do about them?"

one thing is for sure. as children, we were defenseless. additionally, our earliest blueprint for what a relationship looks like, and our sense of normalcy, is what we learn from our parents as children. and there is no perfect blueprint.

are you in therapy currently? if so, what is the focus?

[JNChell]

Hi, Lou_june. Glad to have you on board. I’ve had the same concerns that you’re currently dealing with. You’ve been met with some great advice by very experienced members here. Harri makes a great point on not labeling the behaviors. You’ve identified your concerns which is a huge step.
once removed is spot on about how we were raised and the affect it has had on us. The most important part here is your self awareness. You’re questioning yourself in order to look out for others. nenarox2 brings up a popular point, but this isn’t always the case.

BPD is a spectrum disorder. By spectrum, I mean on a scale from 1 to 10 to keep it simple.

I don’t quite know how to regulate my own emotions.

Well, from what you describe, you were never taught this as a child. There was no way for you to be able to know this up until now. You know, my therapist gave me some good advice to pass along to my son. He’s 4. The butterfly hug. When he melts down and can’t stop, he hugs his core from shoulder to shoulder. I’m not saying that you should do this, but it is a coping mechanism. It calms the body to allow the mind to think.

And I now can’t trust any of my own decisions or anyone else very well.

I went through a trust/intuition exorcise with my T this evening. She’s an experienced trauma specialist that has been invaluable. She doesn’t tell me what to do. She’s very good at matching my current state with attributes of my childhood. I recommend seeking out a seasoned trauma specialist.

All in all, this is just advice. You’ll have to decide what is best for you.

[nenarox2]

I may not be right, but I am right in that you if you are aware, then you are steps above the one that created the norm.

[JNChell]

nenarox2, no one is right or wrong here. This community is about exploring and coming together with our findings. I apologize if my post was off putting. I can see how it could be seen that way. I’m sorry.

You are so right about self awareness. I should’ve elaborated more on your post. pwBPD generally don’t come out of it. Some do due to becoming self aware and working on themselves. A small fraction of them take the path to healing and discontinue being abusive. I get what you’re saying about folks that seek help aren’t disordered, but at the same time, some disordered folks eventually seek help. And good for them.

There isn’t any right or wrong in all of this. I’m sincerely sorry if I caused you to feel that way. I chose the wrong words. One of the reasons that I’m hear is because communication isn’t one of my strong points. I’m working on it. I hope that you’ll rejoin us.