It’s not just me...

[Horace]

Just starting out on the journey through BPD awareness and coping strategies. Been raising adoptive daughter whose birth mother has BPD.  Now an adolescent, we’re realising she’s had 7 or 8 traits since very early days... .reading the books and the info here, is like reading my own life story... .
I feel elated and exhausted and so alone.  I’m in the UK... .there isn’t much here that I’ve found so far... .
We’ve had two reasonable sessions with a DBT informed therapist... .and that gives me some hope... .
but the future looks bleak... and challenging... .
I feel like I can finally morn the loss of the family I always wanted... .but not ready to fully accept the family I feel stuck with. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello Horace 

Welcome to BPD Family.

Mourning the loss of the family you always wanted is such a healthy perspective,  you're on the right track there, and so early in your journey. Kudos to you 

I want you to know that you are not alone. We are all parents here, helping and supporting each other. I hope you get comfortable here and share more of your story, that you'll find the content here helpful and empowering.

Again, welcome! I look forward to hearing more from you and how we can support you.

~ OH

[once removed]

hi Horace, i want to join Only Human and say

it is a relief to learn that there are names and explanations for what we are experiencing, huh? grateful doesnt begin to describe how i felt when i realized there was a community of people that were walking or had walked in my shoes.

so what books have you been reading? i picked up a few myself, and theres a lot of great material out there.

is your daughter diagnosed?

[Lollypop]

Hi there Horace

I’m in the UK too, there’s a few of us with others from Australia, Canada, Europe and other parts of the world. Quite amazing when I pause to think about the community on the forum.

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter but glad you found us. The grief is raw and a big part of that emotional rollercoaster we are on. I had an almost obsessive feeling and sense of unfairness, my life wasn’t supposed to be this way. I reeled and bounced around literally for years and learnt a hard lesson the hard way. All I talked about was my son and his problems with friends and family, even new acquaintances. There was nothing they could say and eventually (my poor friends!) I said  all I could say. Finally, I understood there was nothing I could do to change things.

My grief was relieved when I took control over my own situation. I stopped talking about my son to others - I needed the space and they did too!  Instead I used this forum to vent, everybody here understood the nature of the beast. I focussed on improving my relationship with my son (top priority) by  learning better ways to interact. I started to take better care of myself (still learning and strangely I find this the hardest thing).

I’ve just re-read the above paragraph and it seems odd doesn’t it? I wrapped myself up in that dark cloak of grief for so long and I could easily have stayed in the place. It’s a choice you see. But, for me, I needed to go through that process to finally reach a place that we call radical acceptance. I can change nothing, all I can do is learn how to deal with it. I feel like I’ve grown up.

You feel you didn’t get the family you wanted. I totally understand that. I haven’t either. But I’ve found that it’s ok, the experience has made me a more empathetic person, life’s what we make it. If I can offer advice, it’s to post often, read as much as you can and learn skills so that you are better able to cope.

My family is happy, despite the problems. There’s hope.

Hugs

LP

[Horace]

Thanks for the comments.  I do feel like a few weeks ago someone opened the floodgates and out cam pouring the years of stories hidden away through guilt and shame!  Getting it out there is important.  Folks have known we’re struggling, but when yiu say BPD and send them a bit of info... .they seem to have lightbulb moments.

I’m learning to be better to myself... .my emotional eating means I,m carrying 30 pounds more than I should... .and my first focus on regaining control over my health as that is within my
grasp. 

We have as close to a diagnose as most adolescents come here... .we’re treating ‘significant BPD traits’.  Had first two session of therapy, are taking some new off plan meds, and with any luck getting back into school as we were recently permanently excluded from a private high school. 

Having her home all the time is difficult!

[FaithHopeLove]

Horace, Your story is like mine. I also grieve the loss of the son I thought I had. It is very painful. But this process of grieving is helping me to let go of unrealistic expectations so I can build on a real relationship with my son based on who he is not who I try to make him.

Lollipop, You seem to be a bit further down the road than I. Your comments are SUPER helpful.

[Horace]

Thanks for the encouragement!

[wendydarling]

Welcome Horace

Another UKer here    I'm sorry what brings you here, I am however very glad you found us, you are not alone, we've got you.  

You're right getting it out there is important, it sounds like you've a supportive network of friends/family having light bulb moments themselves, you sending them info. I did similar, when folks know what we're dealing with, they've a better sense of how they can support us and our child.

I also grieve the loss of the son I thought I had. It is very painful. But this process of grieving is helping me to let go of unrealistic expectations so I can build on a real relationship with my son based on who he is not who I try to make him.

I relate FaithHopeLove KC letting go of unrealistic expectations can help us accept our children and meet them where they are.

We've this helpful workshop, understanding, sharing where we are in the grieving process can help us feel less alone Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

Such an important lesson to us all regaining control of what is ours, to focus on better self care, are you getting much time out for yourself with your DD at home?

WDx