Her anger is like a switch

[Omega1]

 So we made a decision today to live apart and for the next little while to spend less time together. The plan was that I wouldn’t go for dinner with her and the girls tonight, and I kept telling her that I thought we should stick to the plan but she wanted me to come to dinner and I guess I wanted to come too. So the girls had a class  and when we were there she borrowed my phone. When we got to the restaurant I asked her where my phone was and she said she thought she gave it back to me I was concerned because she does losing miss place things a lot, so I wondered if she left it at the girls class which would be closing soon. She said oh it must be in the car I tried to question her and ask about checking the car but she just ignored me and dismissed me as she often does when I want or need something because it’s all about her. Then we went to sit at the table and I had to move because one of the kids wanted to sit where I was sitting. So I got pushed down to the end of the table to sit beside her friends instead of with her and the girls she got mad when I was bothered by that and then got mad again when I said I was still feeling concerned  about my phone so she said she’s fine she’ll go to the car look for my phone and then I should leave. I feel so blindsided by her anger she makes me crazy and sad and so angry I don’t deserve the level of anger I get from her. 
***I also feel ashamed and upset at myself for getting so angry back, Once we were outside I got so mad after she told me to leave I got so mad that she was so angry at me and then I yelled at her that she needed therapy and I went home.
What is wrong with me that I get triggered by her anger so much why can’t I just stay calm when she gets so angry and so dismissive?

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[Purplex]

There is nothing wrong with you I can assure you that. It’s perfectly normal to feel upset, when your feelings and wishes are ignored or dismissed and you are made responsible for mistakes, that weren’t yours in the first place. And it hits even harder, when this treatment is coming from a loved one, that you are so desperately trying to please, but never seems to value your efforts in return. 

It sounds like you, understandably, have a hard time following through with decisions and boundaries you set beforehand. That ultimately leaves you even more dependent on her moods and goodwill, which clearly is no favorable position to put yourself in.
I feel like your plan to live apart for some time is a good opportunity to create space for you and get some agency back. It’s great that she is on board with that, although I can imagine that her position on that might change when things get serious. What do you think?
Did you already talk about the specifics how to approach this arrangement?

[believer55]

I also feel ashamed and upset at myself for getting so angry back,

This statement saddens me. Too often we are asked to validate and understand and empathise... .we deserve that too. Omega you have every right to your emotions and feelings and also to express them. We can only bottle so much up. I also believe that regardless of the challenges faced by people with BPD - if they are grown adults they need to see the consequences of their actions the same as anyone else. How else can they reason the need for change if they don't see consequences?

Be kind to yourself - you are doing great.

[once removed]

So I got pushed down to the end of the table to sit beside her friends instead of with her and the girls she got mad when I was bothered by that

why were you bothered? did you feel left out?

[Omega1]

It happens fairly often. I guess I was bothered because she wants and needs and demands so much for me yet it’s just misses dismissive of me when there’s other people around and I end up feeling like I don’t matter it off but I have to give 1000%

[Omega1]

This statement saddens me. Too often we are asked to validate and understand and empathise... .we deserve that too. Omega you have every right to your emotions and feelings and also to express them. We can only bottle so much up. I also believe that regardless of the challenges faced by people with BPD - if they are grown adults they need to see the consequences of their actions the same as anyone else. How else can they reason the need for change if they don't see consequences?

Be kind to yourself - you are doing great.

Wow thank you so very much.  That’s exactly how it feels, like I’m forced to give so so much and also have to accept all this anger.  I’m slightly upset or bothered by something and she goes off on me.  After reading a bit more about PPT I can understand it better by realizing that she sees it as a threat to the relationship if I’m bothered by something. But understanding it makes it a bit easier but sometimes I just can’t handle it, the anger.

[Omega1]

It sounds like you, understandably, have a hard time following through with decisions and boundaries you set beforehand. That ultimately leaves you even more dependent on her moods and goodwill, which clearly is no favorable position to put yourself in.
I feel like your plan to live apart for some time is a good opportunity to create space for you and get some agency back. It’s great that she is on board with that, although I can imagine that her position on that might change when things get serious. What do you think?
Did you already talk about the specifics how to approach this arrangement?

 I think what you’ve said about boundaries and following through is very true and especially about dependency on her moods and feelings change for me and I’m very affected by it. I think taking more time and space apart will help. I’d love to hear any other ideas on how I can be better at setting boundaries and distancing myself emotionally enough to not be so dependent on her moods and letting her angry upset me so much.

[Purplex]

I’d love to hear any other ideas on how I can be better at setting boundaries and distancing myself emotionally enough to not be so dependent on her moods and letting her angry upset me so much.

I think the first step here is to look at past events and see what you can learn from them.

The plan was that I wouldn’t go for dinner... .I thought we should stick to the plan ... .I guess I wanted to come too.

Can you see what happened there?
What were your goals and motivations in this situation?
How could you have handled things differently?