This is understandable. I get what you’re saying. Do you have fears that you will eventually have to see her with someone else?
I see what you’re saying and it’s easy to see that you have strong feelings for her. I also understand what it’s like to have thick walls erected around my heart because of previous experiences. I’m curious, why do you think you need to have your guard up with a girl that you feel so strongly for? Obviously fear of being hurt all over again is one reason, but are there any underlying reasons that you can identify?
This is a very virtuous aspect. I’d be highly attracted to this as well.
They exist, it just takes time and a willingness to attract what we desire. I’ve interacted with women that I find desirable. My own personal issue with this this, which I’ve recently discovered about myself, is that I’m not yet able to compliment their makeup with my own. I hope that makes sense. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not ready or prepared for what I’d like to see in a romantic relationship. Kind of like a career. I want the money, knowledge and validation for doing a good job out of the gate, but I have to learn how before those things fall into place.
It’s been a minute since you’ve been back with an update. Have there been any changes?
Ok so a month has passed so in terms of updates... .yes she's currently dating a guy since NYE. He sounds nice, maybe I will meet him in a few weeks. She's very much into him right now, but of course idealization may well be at play. I'm not looking forward to seeing her with him, but I do want the friendship to work, so I'm just going to push myself through the first few rough times of seeing them together and then I hope it will get easier.
She's talking about BPD much less lately, whereas when she was feeling low she spoke about it often. Also in the last month she's fallen out with her best female friend. Basically she felt that she was always the one instigating online chats, or arranging meeting up etc and felt her friend wasn't really pulling her weight in this regard, her friend resorted to this accusation by blocking her. She now doesn't have any local friends near to her and yes maybe part of the reason I've stuck by her is I've seen how few friends she has and I can see how lonely she is.
In answer to your question about why I had my guard up... .my guard was up because she came to me fresh from her ex, and he had dumped her, so she was still hurting from that. I knew that in the early stages I'd be playing second fiddle to him, plus she mentioned she may have BPD so that factored into it too, since I suspect my previous ex of having BPD and that split was the most heartbreaking of my life.