Best Friendzoned

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, Dargumin.    This is a nice thread.  It sounds like you could use some extra support re: the ADHD and that you're taking the right steps to get it.  Is there any kind of follow-up you can do (phone call?  email?) to keep the wheels greased at NHS?

I know I'm chiming in late here but wanted to respond to this:

Do you guys think it's possible to get the "spark" back once you've been "best-friendzoned"?

Short answer:  Probably not.  (Alas.)  FWIW, I'm not a huge fan of the word friendzoned.  While it's descriptive, for sure, the sports reference implies there's a "play" you can make to get a different outcome.  In my experience these decisions about whether to engage in an intimate/romantic relationship with a man get made on an intuitive level for reasons that are hard to articulate and that are probably pretty primal.  Once you start see someone as a friend rather than a mate you can't "unsee" the friend.  That's been my experience, anyway.

[Insom]

Hi, Dargumin.    This is a nice thread.  It sounds like you could use some extra support re: the ADHD and that you're taking the right steps to get it.  Is there any kind of follow-up you can do (phone call?  email?) to keep the wheels greased at NHS?

I know I'm chiming in late here but wanted to respond to this:

Do you guys think it's possible to get the "spark" back once you've been "best-friendzoned"?

Short answer:  Probably not.  (Alas.)  FWIW, I'm not a huge fan of the word friendzoned.  While it's descriptive, for sure, the sports reference implies there's a "play" you can make to get a different outcome.  In my experience these decisions about whether to engage in an intimate/romantic relationship with a man get made on an intuitive level for reasons that are hard to articulate and that are probably pretty primal.  Once you start see someone as a friend rather than a mate you can't "unsee" the friend.  That's been my experience, anyway.

[Lucky Jim]

In my experience these decisions about whether to engage in an intimate/romantic relationship with a man get made on an intuitive level for reasons that are hard to articulate and that are probably pretty primal.  Once you start see someone as a friend rather than a mate you can't "unsee" the friend.

Hey Insom,  People talk about "chemistry" or a "spark" yet you articulated this mysterious process much more clearly!  It's interesting for me to hear that, once relegated to the dreaded "friend zone," it's unlikely that one will emerge from that classification.

LJ

[once removed]

im not a big believer in the "friendzone" either. it really suggests that a woman has relegated someone, consciously put them on some list, done something to them, and that we can manipulate them into reversing that. i think its a fundamentally flawed perspective on women, that invalidates the idea that women have a right to see a person as a friend, as more, or as less.

having said that... .

i went through high school with a lot of what are commonly referred to as "nice guy issues", which are really a flawed sense of self worth, coupled with entitlement. i was close with lots of girls, but they tended to see me as a friend and only a friend. i over pursued, wore my heart on my sleeve, i was like a very sensitive, wounded puppy. these are simply not attractive qualities. some of those girls would much later tell me that there was maybe some level of attraction, and that had i not behaved in such an over the top way, it might have become more. i certainly had better luck in love when i realized this about myself.

so while women will either be attracted to a man, or not... .it doesnt help matters to behave in unattractive ways, or to carry a sense of entitlement; confidence and self respect are very attractive.

[Dargumin]

This is understandable. I get what you’re saying. Do you have fears that you will eventually have to see her with someone else?

I see what you’re saying and it’s easy to see that you have strong feelings for her. I also understand what it’s like to have thick walls erected around my heart because of previous experiences. I’m curious, why do you think you need to have your guard up with a girl that you feel so strongly for? Obviously fear of being hurt all over again is one reason, but are there any underlying reasons that you can identify?

This is a very virtuous aspect. I’d be highly attracted to this as well.

They exist, it just takes time and a willingness to attract what we desire. I’ve interacted with women that I find desirable. My own personal issue with this this, which I’ve recently discovered about myself, is that I’m not yet able to compliment their makeup with my own. I hope that makes sense. I guess I’m trying to say that I’m not ready or prepared for what I’d like to see in a romantic relationship. Kind of like a career. I want the money, knowledge and validation for doing a good job out of the gate, but I have to learn how before those things fall into place.

It’s been a minute since you’ve been back with an update. Have there been any changes?

Ok so a month has passed so in terms of updates... .yes she's currently dating a guy since NYE. He sounds nice, maybe I will meet him in a few weeks.  She's very much into him right now, but of course idealization may well be at play. I'm not looking forward to seeing her with him, but I do want the friendship to work, so I'm just going to push myself through the first few rough times of seeing them together and then I hope it will get easier.  

She's talking about BPD much less lately, whereas when she was feeling low she spoke about it often.  Also in the last month she's fallen out with her best female friend.  Basically she felt that she was always the one instigating online chats, or arranging meeting up etc and felt her friend wasn't really pulling her weight in this regard, her friend resorted to this accusation by blocking her.  She now doesn't have any local friends near to her and yes maybe part of the reason I've stuck by her is I've seen how few friends she has and I can see how lonely she is.  

In answer to your question about why I had my guard up... .my guard was up because she came to me fresh from her ex, and he had dumped her, so she was still hurting from that.  I knew that in the early stages I'd be playing second fiddle to him, plus she mentioned she may have BPD so that factored into it too, since I suspect my previous ex of having BPD and that split was the most heartbreaking of my life.