What to expect from therapy?

[ToBlave]

Hello everyone,
    I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season with as little drama as possible.

    I started working with a therapist to sort out my issues with my mom and wife. I’ve been to five or six sessions now; and feel like I have a good relationship with the therapist.  I leave the session feeling better, but don’t always feel like I am given tools to deal with the situations we speak about. I do learn a lot about the disorders and how they develop and their traits. My wife feels I’m not progressing at all.

   Should I expect more? How long did it take any of you to see tangible results?

    Also, I still don’t see the situations with my mom as my wife does. We have different perspectives, and as I learn more from my therapist I don’t think the situation or the diagnosis we came up with is correct. I may be wrong. How much faith does one put into a therapist? It makes things more complicated. I am most concerned about my wife’s feelings, but whom do I trust?

Edit: Forgot to add this, my mom has posted some questionable things on Facebook, is it worth confronting her, or just let it go and not let it get to me?

Thanks and I hope you are all well

[Harri]

Hi.  I think therapy is different for everyone.  It really depends on you and what you want and whether the therapist is a good fit.  You said you feel comfortable with your T and that is good but it sounds like your focus has ben on learning about your moms possible disorder rather than looking at how you interact and respond in certain situations. 

My most recent therapy (I am on a break right now) was focused on trauma recovery work and I left feeling worse than when i went in.  I often had to pre-medicate otherwise I would have a banging headache after the first 15 minutes or so.  So it is hard for me to judge.

What are you hoping to get out of therapy?  Not your wife, but you?  What does your T attribute your moms behaviors to?

Often times we can never really know what our undiagnosed parent has and we can only deal with the effects their behaviors had on us and how we are functioning today as adults.  Do you talk about any of that with your T?

[JNChell]

Hey there, ToBlave. I’ve not spoken with you yet, so I’d like to say welcome to bpdfamily.  It’s sounds like you’re having a little trouble navigating your situation with your mom and wife. This is understandable. These situations tend to take a lot of conscious work to get a real grasp on. Turning to this support group is a good move while on your journey. Kudos!

My wife feels I’m not progressing at all.

I imagine that this feels frustrating for you. Has your wife detailed the reasons for you on why she feels this way? Do you feel that she is supportive of the work that you are trying to do when it comes to your mom? I can say this with confidence. If your wife has never had an experience similar to what you’ve had with your mom, it will be difficult for her to really understand the magnitude of the dynamic. That’s perfectly fine if that’s the case. We wouldn’t wish this stuff on anyone.

I’m curious about your therapist placing a label on your mom’s behaviors. Has your therapist had face to face interaction with your mom? Forgive me if you’ve already explained this in other threads. I’ve not read your back story.

Should I expect more? How long did it take any of you to see tangible results?

I’ll echo Harri here and agree that therapy is different for different people. There’s no standard in how different individuals will respond to the same type of therapy. Like Harri, I’m seeing a trauma specialist. A PhD psychologist. She’s pretty great and has knowledge on personality disorders. Many T’s don’t have a lot of knowledge on them. Is your therapist specialized in any certain areas?

[Harri]

JNChell just helped me remember to mention something.  It often takes several months before things will start clicking in T and even longer before you begin to see lasting change in behaviors.  Also, healing after a lifetime of abuse is more of a life long process.  Yes, there can be significant improvement but we will still have to work at it and watch our thoughts and behaviors.

Also, your wife may have different criteria or expectations than your T has that would indicate progress and healing.

Edit: Forgot to add this, my mom has posted some questionable things on Facebook, is it worth confronting her, or just let it go and not let it get to me?

I would leave it and not say anything.  Your mom wants attention and even negative attention is attention and will only reinforce her behavior.  You do have the option to unfollow her.  That might make things easier.   

[once removed]

I leave the session feeling better, but don’t always feel like I am given tools to deal with the situations we speak about.

have you said this? "i want to learn coping tools"

[Turkish]

I think that once removed has a valid point.  You can ask your therapist. He or she works for you.  I challenged my therapist.

How does your wife expect you to progress? You said previously that your marriage was teetering.  These things take time. 

What alternative is the therapist suggesting other than BPD and narcissism?  My T didn't like to label people either.