Need a lil help

[Yaboi]

I'm new to this sorta thing, and I feel bad I have to ask others for this sorta advice in my relationship. My gf has BPD and her emotions pop but mostly it's her temper and it's over the most minimal of things. This doesn't me I don't find her frustrations invalid or that she has no right to be a  hot cause I'm a hand full and I can do that but even just trying to.make her feel better, or a different stance on certain subjects like adoption I set her flying off the rail. I'm a simple kind of man and am straight forward but I always try and come with good intentions while speaking to her. But lately everything is one sided and I'm always at fault even when she is wrong. It isn't fair she wants to be able to do things that I can't cause for some reason she sees it differently. 
Last night was one of the worst and the reason I'm posting. She usually calls me nasty things and puts me down calling me stupid or makes me feel bad for being from the south, like a stereotype, but tonight she decides to spit at me and hit me in the face. She has spit at me before but never hit.
Idk what to do other than  walk away in things like that cause I'm 250lbs and she is 90lbs I'm not gonna hit her obviously and angry words would make it worse. Can you give me some advice or recommend what I should do or if I should leave it completely?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cailin]

Be very careful, she might not be aware of it but it seems as though she is setting you up to abuse her, commits acts of domestic violence against her because that’s what she is expecting. Ask yourself, is this relationship really worth the risk of jail and a record of DV? I’m saying this as a compassionate mom of sons, be careful and think about!

[Yaboi]

I don't believe that is what it is, she also knows my history and I gee up in family like that. I don't hit women for any reason. She knows I won't do it but I understand I should still be cautious of that scenario. Thank you. I would really like some advice on how I should proceed with this, I don't wanna leave cause it's hard and I love her but I'm at a lose on how to control this anymore. We have talked this morning of it and she knows she did wrong and says it's inexcusable to do and apologized.

[once removed]

hi Yaboi and

I'm new to this sorta thing, and I feel bad I have to ask others for this sorta advice in my relationship. '

experts (and anyone here who has lived it) will tell you that a strong support system is critical - one of the most important things you can have at your disposal. you dont have to do this alone.

 
Last night was one of the worst and the reason I'm posting. She usually calls me nasty things and puts me down calling me stupid or makes me feel bad for being from the south, like a stereotype, but tonight she decides to spit at me and hit me in the face. She has spit at me before but never hit.
Idk what to do other than  walk away in things like that cause I'm 250lbs and she is 90lbs I'm not gonna hit her obviously and angry words would make it worse. Can you give me some advice or recommend what I should do or if I should leave it completely?

what led up to this? what was the fight about?

[Yaboi]

She has cheat once in the past so it has me gun shy and I try not to unload those insecurities on her. She doesn't like me talking to women cause she has had men do the same and cheat and stuff, something I don't do or condone. I said something about her talking to a random assortment of men sometimes and she always has a reason why it's ok like they are gay or she sees them as a child and ex. But I told her why is it ok for you to while I can't talk to people I've known since middle school cause they are girls. She says it's not the same, and I told her the only reason it's not the same is cause she can and I can't. Don't get me wrong I don't talk to girls to just kill that trouble before it happens and I also don't need another woman in my life. I give her examples of two girls I know well and one didn't like her and it made her mad I said her name and I then told her that I'm going to there wedding cause it be rude and nasty not too seeing how both bride and groom are close friends. She used leaving me as a weapon and when that didn't work she got frustrated and crazy mad. She spit in my face, snatched a cig out of my ear when I tried to walk outside and let it die down, also a thing cause she wants me to quit and I am very gradually. After she spit at me 3 times I lost my cool and spit back at her then she hit me and I left after that and let her cool off. I was very nice and patient with her after an hour or so apart and tried to talk to her and get her to stop saying nasty things but atm we are awkward and it's in the air and we are barely speaking until like an hour ago and she said she knows she did wrong and she is ashamed of hitting me and saying the thing she ddoes.
 I told her she shouldn't say I'll hit you if I get angry but that I won't do it, positive vibes bread positive environments and things can change.

[Yaboi]

I'm sorry these are so long also

[once removed]

But I told her why is it ok for you to while I can't talk to people I've known since middle school cause they are girls. She says it's not the same, and I told her the only reason it's not the same is cause she can and I can't. Don't get me wrong I don't talk to girls to just kill that trouble before it happens and I also don't need another woman in my life.

it sounds like you thought it was important that you be heard. it is. our partners can struggle in those situations, and its maddening. if you want to get on the same page, its important to listen, and ask questions... .questions without judgment, that seek to understand her perspective... .its okay to disagree with her perspective, but important to understand it if youre trying to resolve conflict.

After she spit at me 3 times I lost my cool and spit back at her

fighting fire with fire just makes for more fire.

there was a lot of pushing each others buttons... .i think a lot of us do this because we want our partners to understand our perspective, teach them how their behavior effects us and how we want to be treated. this is generally not constructive or effective. a healthy time out can be good, but works best before things devolve to this point.

I told her she shouldn't say I'll hit you if I get angry but that I won't do it, positive vibes bread positive environments and things can change.

this was a good place to leave it. try to make it more about "we"... .the two of you as a couple. "we shouldnt make threats. we are better than this. we can resolve conflict."

we have a three minute video on ending conflict, with some more information below it. id really encourage you to take a look, and explore some ways you can implement this going forward... .this situation devolved to a point that does threaten your relationship; you can rebuild, but there will be more conflict. the key to resolving conflict is changing our approach to it. our partners, more often than not, follow our lead.

let us know what you think: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Yaboi]

I have the patients to do that and I'd like the situation to stop before it fills up the cup. I don't wanna poke her buttons but I also have a temper and  severe anxiety to boot and these situations make me close up but I'm working on that for our benefit. But when I do right, and I've done this and she continues the temper nd stuff right at the start after the situation has been talked about multiple times and what we should do. It's discouraging for the fact is that I've seen it and we have tried and we still end here in the end.