He wins, no Christmas, too much happening

[isilme]

It’s dumb.  I feel December is “wasted” if I do t get my tree up and house decorated.  Doing it makes me feel good, hopeful, and helps get past dark days, stress, and bad memories.

Each year, increasingly, H fights me on putting up any decorations.  It’s too much work, he says.  I don’t ask him to do it or for help.  The cats will ruin it.  In 10 years they have not done so.  We don’t have kids, why bother? All the more reason to do it, I feel.

I usually have been able to just do, I feel better, and enjoy a little cheer through a time that can otherwise be pretty dark, gloomy, and sad.

This year, it’s been a cascade failure of events preventing me from having the time or energy, or space, to do it.  Washing machine broke, I can’t make plans to be engaged doing a tree, when I am trying to get H to stop fighting me about going to the laundromat or being on stand by for the part to arrive and be installed.

I do all chores.  I am tired, I can’t stand smelly trash, cat litter, or dishes.  For my own sanity, I need to stand and wash dishes, and do laundry and take out the trash.  He can’t seem to understand this and so just wants me to let laundry pile up and try to start a fight when I try to go to the laundromat.  I’m too tired to fight or assert myself, I give up.  And feel anxious, antsy, knowing each day thenpile is just getting bigger.

H has been feeling more ill than normal, succumbing to his depression because he won’t manage his physical ailments, and so has no desire to move out of my way in the living room at all, meaning I can’t shift a desk around to put up the tree and have freedom of movement to even decorate.  I’m not talking Martha Stewart, here.  I have two shelves I put things on, plus a skinny tree I put up.  It takes a few hours to move the desk, assemble the tree, out on lights and ornaments,  I need an evening.  It takes nothing from him except he be out of my way for about 30 minutes, then I can do the rest without being in the way of his video games.  I don’t mind him playing them as long as it doesn’t result in him yelling at me. 

He wants now to completely shift all of our living room around,  it MUST be done before i am allowed to decorate, because all loose stuff, extra stuff needs to be out of the way. He has a terrible idea the room will somehow be improved by moving the tv and all other furniture from a long room configuration to a short room.  I can’t really explain it.

But, he won’t get off his ass or out of my way and do it.  So I sit here, him complaining of being in pain, too tired to do anything, feeling my chances of a happy holiday slipping away in favor of his apathy.  He’s like, you can put the tree up after Christmas.  We don’t get to be here, anyway. 

He feels somehow stressed by me doing things I enjoy, and each year he’s more like his mom, who can’t be bothered to move a two foot tree to a table, already decorated, it’s too much work somehow.

I a, asking him to do nothing except get out of my way and stop fighting it.  I don’t get it.  Why is this such a big deal for him to block? 

His great aunt just passed away yesterday.  I now need to basically get him to agree to “letting” me spend tonight doing laundry so we have funeral clothes for this weekend, and will need to drive 2 hours away to attend.  I a, not complaining about the passing, please don’t see this... .  but this wk has been a lot of me giving up what I want to do.  Wanted to do laundry or get matching fixed and do it.  Can’t.  Wanted to get my hair cut, he’d told me he might agree on going to doctor for his 3 week cold, so I cancelled my appointment.  Work is rough right now.  I am spinning my wheels, sitting like a bump on the couch, frustrated I can’t do what I want because if don’t want to need to fight for it.  So, I am just considering wrapping his gifts and tossing them into our office since the appropriate place for them isn’t allowed to be up.  They are in my way, I am tired of trying to get past them to get dressed.  He has no cheer, I guess I should give up on it.p, too.  Whatever.  I’m too tired, sad, and give up. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi islime,

I'm sorry you're so stressed and tired and that your efforts to create a little Christmas cheer are being met with such resistance. 

One thing I thought, you said you'd only need 30 minutes with him being out of the way to get started - any chance you could seize the moment while he's in the bath or shower?

[Cailin]

Here’s what I think about Christmas trees and decorations: You should do it regardless of his protests. Whether you are devoutly religious ( I’m  Catholic), agnostic or atheist, recognizing the basis for our western culture and all of its underpinnings is bigger than any of us can imagine. Whether you are celebrating the birth of Christ or just like the festive lights, this is what the western world does and we don’t even understand why we do it most of the time! Recognizing that our culture is uniquely predicated on Judeo Christian values such as recognition that no individual is above the law, not even Kings and that taking on the sufferings of the world and acting as if what you do matters are so crucial to western culture. We fought a Cold War to retain them because totalitarian Russia just seemed like a bad idea!
So put up the tree and lights, because it symbolizes something greater than you. It unites you with the rest of us! Don’t let him take that away from you.

[zachira]

My brother, my mother's favorite child, died several years ago. My mother announced we would not be decorating the house for Christmas anymore. I was really angry, considering she abused my brother so badly before he died that social services had to get involved. I too her we are all still alive, and I continued to decorate the house for Christmas, until my siblings kicked me out of the family Christmas celebration last year. Now I don't celebrate Christmas because I have no where to go, yet I am grateful for the years I did have with the family. There will come a time when I will again have a wonderful family to celebrate Christmas with again, though probably none of them will be blood relatives. Do what feels right for you this year, whether it is to celebrate or not. It is a holiday and supposed to bring joy to our hearts and souls. Is there something you could do for Christmas to bring joy to someone other than your husband? Sometimes helping others who appreciate it, can bring warmth and help heal our hearts. Doing something like listening to another person, like someone who rarely gets attention like someone in a wheel chair or an old person, can often be quite rewarding.