Gathering wool

[Woolspinner2000]

I thought I would update you guys on what is going on in my life.

I'm hoping to make it through Christmas before I move out.  Last weekend I over reacted to something that I didn't need to with DH, and I needed to own that. I sat down with him and said, "I over reacted. I find I'm not doing well with the minor things that come up because they're simply a symptom of the much deeper issues."  He bristled and asked what those were, and I deferred to him and asked what he saw (the ideas of Skip's problem solving workshop seen in practice here). DH went on to tell me what the elephants in the room were (my elephants), and I told him the one I saw as being his. Seems as if there is a whole herd of them running around destroying things. None of it was new though. Overall it was a fairly civil and non-reactionary conversation, and I asked where we go from here because we are only pretending. He thought I'd move out 6 years ago when I graduated from college and got a job apart from working for him in his business, something that gave me 'independence' from him. I could go on, but it's very much the classic abuse and control scenario that we see on the boards.

 I did really well at not over reacting verbally during this conversation, but my body responds much differently than what I believe is true. I typically end up in a mental fog and fatigue that makes it hard for me to focus and get through day 1 afterwards. Then on day 2 after these 'talks,' I find I'm about 50% foggy and tired, and by day 3, I feel as if I'm coming out of it for the most part, and I can see the sun beginning to shine again. My T told me something really helpful when he said these triggering events will usually take 48-72 hours to recover from. He's right on the mark, and I see the pattern repeated every time. The down side is when I get re triggered either right after the first event or within a few days. This week I had back to back heavy interactions with DH so I went from one to another, and I struggle to have any brain and emotional capacity to help here during these times. My T was shining the light of how easily shame and manipulation come in to play for me when DH speaks partial truths, drawing me in with FOG. It's a vicious cycle. I'm no longer pulled in as badly as I used to be, thankfully, but it still happens. I keep fighting against the pull of the undercurrent and try to keep my head above water so I don't drown.

I have been preparing behind the scene for some time, off and on over the past year and a half. I've been copying documents and storing them off site, I've been moving out important items that I can't replace the past 4 or 5 months (such as things from my grandparents, parents, etc.). I started my new part time job in January, then was hired in full time in September, and now I have benefits for the first time through work and an ability to support myself. I opened my own checking account in my name to have electronic deposit of my work checks, took DH off of my credit card as an authorized user, and I opened a credit card in my name alone. I have been trying to save a tiny bit of money each month, and I think I finally have enough to pay for rent for one year.

I found out that DH has been diverting all of his work earnings this entire year to put into his little building that he owns and is renovating. He told me he intends to continue to do so until it's done. I've been paying 2/3s  of our about $3k bills each month, using up almost every penny I make. He contributes $1k of SS to the bills. I have spoken with my T and our marriage counselor, and when I found out last month that he has moved all this money that would have supported us, I had to face up to the truth that I am enabling him to continue on in the same path that we've been on. I wasn't aware of the extent until the beginning of this month. I am planning on letting him know that I'm no longer willing to use 100% of my work earnings to pay the bills. It means I will be making a very tough choice to set one of those boundaries we talk about here, and it will put us into debt potentially and affect our credit. I need to make careful choices as to what I am willing to pay and what I'm not. I don't anticipate it going well, so I am holding off until after Christmas to let him know.

I read something recently that is helping me to see where we really are in our marriage.
"To be healthy, you have to live in truth and you have to tell yourself the truth instead of living in what you wish were true." L Vernick

Woolzie

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update Wools

I had noticed how you have been slowly drifting away and detaching from your husband more and more. It is very unfortunate that your husband is so controlling and also quite condescending, particularly when it comes to women. Sadly, he has shown little to no true insights into his own behavior or any willingness to delve into his own issues.

How have your children been feeling about the situation between you and your husband these past few years? How is their relationship with their father and are they aware of how he treats you?

When you feel ready, maybe after Christmas or after you've moved out, it might be good to also post about what you're going through.

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi Wools.   

This is something you have given a great deal of thought to and I know you have been working hard on your decision.  I am glad you have been preparing, that is smart.

I hope you keep sharing.  We can help you.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you're having to do that but you are being smart by planning.  Shame on him for not manning up to support the household. 

[Woolspinner2000]

How have your children been feeling about the situation between you and your husband these past few years? How is their relationship with their father and are they aware of how he treats you?

We have 3 children, D32, D30, and S24. All 3 have seen much of their dad's behavior or experienced it first hand, and that has influenced how they see him. Unfortunately they struggle with who they are, and also with what they believe about God because of what they've seen in their dad. He's been over the top with his own religious views, having written 3 or 4 books that he self published (Romans, Revelation, and Gender Studies).

I thought I hid things pretty well from the kids and one day S24 said, "Mom, dad doesn't treat you right." Ouch. So much for thinking I was pulling the wool over their eyes. The younger two have both said in this past year that they see no hope of change in their dad and they've encouraged me to go. They try so hard to connect with him and to get him to understand what they need, and they love him and are concerned for him. He just isn't able to meet their needs.

Now that I am doing so much better with T and my own growth, I do my best to walk alongside all 3 of them and encourage them. I try very hard to not triangulate their dad, nor do I go down that path of emotional dependence on them. That's what my support people (like here) are for but not my kids. All 3 of them are in T. D32 is able to have a relationship with her dad where he will listen to her, yet she gets very frustrated at times. She will not ride with him in a car anymore because of how rude he was to her when she drove him to a store, and in no uncertain terms she told him she would not drive him and why. She told me she had to put a boundary up with him, and I encouraged her to do so. I try to acknowledge to each one of them when they take those healthy steps to overcome what I didn't know to do for myself or for them. As Turkish says, "You don't know what you don't know."

All 3 of them are very gifted, each at the topmost spot in high school and all 3 will have Master's degrees (son is graduating in May 2018). They are incredible kids, and I will continue to help them all I can.

This won't be easy for any of us. They are each very aware of the current court case of 18 felony counts against the man their dad has chosen to invest with. Once again I let them make up their own minds, and am careful in what I say. Their dad tells them a lot about this guy.

Wools

[Kwamina]

I thought I hid things pretty well from the kids and one day S24 said, "Mom, dad doesn't treat you right." Ouch. So much for thinking I was pulling the wool over their eyes.

Yep, children can be very perceptive. Even as a child I could see that how my mother and oldest sister were treating my other sister wasn't right at all.

All 3 of them are very gifted, each at the topmost spot in high school and all 3 will have Master's degrees (son is graduating in May 2018). They are incredible kids, and I will continue to help them all I can.

Great that your kids have done so well academically  You must be a very proud llama mama!

So how are things now Wools?

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Board Parrot,

Thanks for asking.   I am the proudest mama llama ever! 

The holidays were busy with my working and having our children home. DH disappeared Christmas Day for a while down to the building he is renovating. I did something for myself this time though: I asked him on Christmas Eve morning if he would please not go down to the river property and disappear from the 24th evening through Christmas Day since his children were all coming home to see him. He said he'd think about it. Then he told me he was going to go anyway, and he did go for about 1 1/2 hours. Right away I realized that he was telling me more about who he is than anything else. It had nothing to do with me or the kids. It was a step of freedom for me to speak my request, politely, and then let it go. Revealing, really, in so many ways.

I have a call in to my attorney and hope to set up a time to meet with him soon. I need to talk with him about my options and share my thoughts and see if there are things I'm not seeing well. I'm still waiting on the right timing. Really lots of soul searching and prayers going up within me.

DH has now officially put the company into debt by using a loan. I know this isn't unusual for a business, but it is for him. He's never done this in our years of marriage, and he continues to spend.

I am unsettled tonight by a comment he made this afternoon. He had something he was trying to sell in an online auction, something of value, and he was down at his building by the river today with it. He told me he had it, and then he didn't. He looked in his car and couldn't find it either. There are a couple of men down there who have helped him on his building, and both of these guys have had trouble with the law. DH began to think that one of them (who was down there today) might have stolen it, and he said he was thinking that he might have to come home and get his gun and take it down there. (I need the wide eyed emogi) In the end he asked this guy to help him look in his car to find it, and it had fallen under his seat. DH had lost it in his own car. But he has never ever mentioned taking a gun to confront someone, and the thought of that is shocking to me!

Yes, they are all locked up in a gun safe with a combination lock on it that even my son and I struggle to open. I don't think he knows where the combination is. Yet he did ask where the combination was recently when we were talking, and he assumed that I had hidden it from him. I have not, but I'm not going to find it for him either. I'm trusting that he cannot open it. I bought the safe to keep the guns safe from him when I began noticing questionable mental behavior, and also I wanted them put away since we have grandchildren visiting. I spoke with my T a couple weeks ago about concerns with the guns, and made an agreement with him that if a gun goes missing from the gun safe, I will leave home. I didn't think DH would get one out or be able to, but after today's comment, I am more concerned.

So often here we say to trust our feelings, especially for those of us learning to know, identify and give notice to them when we learned to not do so while growing up with a BPD parent. I'm trying to trust my feelings that this isn't right.

[Harri]

Thanks for the update Wools.  There is some concerning stuff going on but I think, as usual, you are handling things very well.  I like your thought out, deliberate and prayerful approach, while also being willing and prepared to get the heck out of danger if needed. 

Praying for you and yours,

harri

[zachira]

Thinking of you and admiring your bravery to go forward.

[Cat Familiar]

Yep. Trust your gut.   

Cat

[Kwamina]

I'm trying to trust my feelings that this isn't right.

I would say your feelings are quite legitimately telling you that this isn't right.

The guns are in a safe which is good, and you don't think he knows where the combination is and are trusting he cannot open it, but still, the situation is concerning and his recent comment about maybe confronting those men with the gun is quite disturbing.

That he just recently also asked about where the combination is, possibly does suggest that the guns have been on his mind for whatever reason.

I am glad you also discussed your concerns about the guns with your T and also talked about what to do in a certain scenario. Though the guns are currently locked up securely, the combination to the safe might still be somewhere in the house. On the boards we always say safety first and my question there would be, do you feel safe with your husband in the house with him having possible access to the gun safe?

Take care Woolsie

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you guys for your validation.

Tonight I feel as if I am losing my mind.

I approached DH after my work day to say that I was really uncomfortable last night when he said he was thinking of taking a gun down to the river when he thought this guy stole something. He responded very quickly with shock and said he didn't say that. I just stood there shocked myself. He then said he wished he had a recorder because he didn't remember saying that at all. He asked me what had prompted it, and I told him that he said he was thinking of coming home to get his gun to go and confront the guy. He was pretty adamant that he never said this. Said it would be totally out of character for him. I agree.

I am not the slightest comforted that he doesn't remember. In fact I question myself, going over this in my mind... .did I not hear him right? But no, I'm positive that was what he said. I've gone through the conversation so many times in my head... .I think it is like the time he hit me and had no recollection. He was really fried last night. Something strange going on. Perhaps he was so distressed that he disassociated or something?

The file with the combination is in our file cabinet, and perhaps, just maybe I misfiled it? No, I wouldn't do that on purpose! Or maybe I would... .for safety.   

On the boards we always say safety first and my question there would be, do you feel safe with your husband in the house with him having possible access to the gun safe?

It's a good question, Kwamina. Knowing that he doesn't remember makes it even more unsettling to me. If he was thinking like that toward someone else, and it isn't right in the first place, what would stop him from thinking like that towards me? I am not feeling so safe. 

Woolsie

[Harri]

It could very well be dissociation.  I am glad you are sticking with what you know he said.   It is so hard when they are absolutely convinced they did not do something... .it can make us doubt what we know to be true.

Smart move about the combination Wools.      Nothing about this is something to smile about but this did make me smile for you.  

I am sure you do, but just in case you have a go-bag ready, keys on you at all time and a safe place you can go to without much notice as well as ID, money, credit card etc right?

[Woolspinner2000]

I am sure you do, but just in case you have a go-bag ready, keys on you at all time and a safe place you can go to without much notice as well as ID, money, credit card etc right?

Yes, I do. I had loaded some things up tonight when I had the house to myself and was ready for the possible move tomorrow. Then DH came home from prayer meeting and said he needed to take his Jeep to drop it off for repairs which meant I needed to give him a ride back home. Oh  . My stuff was in the van, and I don't want to play my hand too soon. There is danger for me if I do so.

So I was able to unload things into the garage quickly while he checked his email. Then I made sure to go out the front door and not open the garage. Back home through the front door, and then relocating my things into a closet and the laundry room while he did the vacuuming that I had asked him to help with. Whew.

I feel as if I am walking a tightrope and am about to fall off. The balancing act is hard and I am tired. The longer I stay without walking out, the more I settle into numbness and the same old routine. How much more scared do I need to be? The threat of someone else possibly being confronted by a gun from a man that doesn't even remember it has alerted me to my own danger, and I know I am becoming a risk taking gambler in thinking this won't happen to me.

So I feel rather discouraged tonight. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get out. Sleep usually helps. Maybe tomorrow will look a bit better.

Woolsie

[Turkish]

Do you think he might get violent? Do you have a plan for being safe after you leave?

[zachira]

Wools,
We are concerned about you and your safety. What do you think could happen if you left him? Do you fear he might harm you? When there is a history of violence, even if it is emotional violence, the partner leaving is most in danger of being killed right after leaving their partner. Perhaps you can consult with your therapist and/or some experts in DV to figure out the best ways to keep yourself safe now and after you leave. Trust your intuition and your gut feelings. You are very talented in knowing how to empathize  with our members' feelings. You know your husband well, and if he has changed to the point that he is a danger to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know what you need.

[Harri]

Thanks for the update Wools,  You have been planning this for a while now just be careful like always and keep your wits about you... .and post here when you want/need to.

We've got ya.   

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm heading off to my second job for the afternoon, and I will see my therapist later today. I will hopefully update you later this evening. I'm definitely working on being as safe as possible, and my therapist has drilled into my head the danger before and right after I leave. I do know that DH has become increasingly PA towards me the past few weeks.

I have a headache. No surprise there!

[Turkish]

 How did today go?

[Woolspinner2000]

How did today go?

DH was home while I worked from home as he waited for his Jeep repairs to be done. Just as I was ready to go to my 2nd job after lunch (when I posted) he got word that it was ready for pick up. I dropped him off to get his vehicle and asked his plans for the rest of the day. Since he was going to be gone down to his river property, I was hopeful for those few minutes to stop back by our house and get those items that I had to stash away, and I was able to do so very quickly, always keeping my eyes towards the street in case he popped back home. I was able to drop everything off after work and did not arouse any suspicion. It's been tricky to do house cleaning and sorting these past months with the thought that I might leave, but I also had the great reason to work on downsizing with all our children pretty much out of the home. At Christmas everyone, including DH, was noticing the effects overall. DH has even commented on how much cleaner it looks. Perhaps that says something no one wants to tell me about my house cleaning? 

My T spoke with me about something you are probably familiar with: the Stockholm syndrome. It is the reason it is so extremely hard for me to actually go. He said that during the time of the Hitler reign there was a prison camp in which the gates were swung wide open and the prisoners were told that they could leave and that the soldiers were gone. They were free. I knew why they couldn't leave. They were too afraid of what was outside those doors, that they'd be shot, pursued. They would live in fear and captivity (which they knew and were familiar with) because it was 'safer.'  That's a pretty realistic image. It stems from my childhood where it all began with an uBPDm. Those of you who have been there, can you relate?

Even as we spoke, I could feel my inner youngest inner kids (ego states) being not integrated within me, seeing my mom, knowing the fear and hopelessness and knowledge that I couldn't get out. We went through the different ego states that I've noted as I've been in T, and those littlest Wools clearly feel "I can't" get out. The 15 year old wants to go but doesn't think she has anywhere to go, the 19 year old Wools says "I'm not worth it," and the oldest (me in my adult age) knows she can go. So there is such a mixed up state within me, and it truly will be a walk of faith to get out the door and to not come back.  I have this fear that I will be pursued, even as I was in my childhood and could not escape my mom. She would come looking for me in the house, and that is part of what keeps me attached.

We talked about reality, now vs my mom is now dead and cannot get me. How strong is that fear and feeling! Yet my T also pointed out how very important it is that I keep all of us safe, and I made the comment that if I do not keep my little Woolsie's safe, I'm essentially being like my mom, keeping us trapped. He also related it to my grandchildren, asking me if I would keep them safe from DH and the now very possible threat that exists with not knowing if or when he will pull out a gun. We talked about keeping all of my biological children and grandchildren safe too, that I need to be honest with them about the risk. How thankful I am now that almost 2 years ago my T strongly encouraged me to have a conversation with my children when DH hit me, to tell them that if I suddenly go, they will know it is for my safety. So here we are.

I have been 'invited' by my friend to come up and literally do some 'wool spinning' this weekend, and that should not arouse suspicion. She has a safe place for me. I am ready, I am prepared. I can walk out the door. I hope that I can do what I know I must do and that is to not come back Sunday night, but to go to my next safe place, and on to work Monday. I spoke with the attorney yesterday and have an appointment for Thursday. My T hoped I could get in sooner.

I am scared. I can do this... .I think.

Woolsie

[Enabler]

Hey Woolsie,

You've done all your prep work, you've got your eyes WIDE open... .you've got this one    .

I don't celebrate for you, but I have a huge amount of respect for you.

Enabler

[zachira]

Glad to hear from you, though sad you are having to go through so much and at the same time admiring your courage. I have a question that may or may not be relevant or helpful. Often when two people get divorced, it is the husband who is completely surprised and devastated for a long time because the wife has been carefully planning to ask for a divorce for a long time and the husband had no clue.  Have you and your  therapist thought of how you are going to let your husband know that you are gone for good, in ways that would be the safest for you? When you were in couples counseling, did the subject of divorce every come up, and how did he respond? I am thinking, (and I really don't know) if you had a plan on how to let him know, like maybe having somebody you trust tell him and/or having someone stay with him for awhile to help keep him more emotionally stable while he is adjusting to the reality you have left for good. These are just my thoughts which may or may not be helpful. Take especially good care of yourself, and keep us posted.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thanks, Zachira. We have spoken of it, in couples counseling, and even a few weeks ago about what is next, because things aren't working, and we are just pretending. He thought I'd leave 6 years ago when I finished school. I told him, "well, I didn't leave then." He knows it's an option, and I've not made it a secret that we will have to sell the house because we can't afford to live here anymore. He even told me he already had a thought of what kind of place he'd like to live in. But I know he will be sad, just like me, very much so.

Nonetheless, your words are valid. I was thinking tonight of reaching out to the men's group at church (when things are more certain) because DH needs a support group desperately. I want to encourage them to reach out to him because he will need it. Given his personality (and also just being a guy), he is much less social than females are. He has a lot of depression, and that has and does make me feel sad too. Today I thought that I'd rather be friends with him than fight, and I hope we can make things work to be agreeable. We have children and grandchildren together, and they still need us both.

I hate this with a passion. It's not how it is meant to be. I wish it were otherwise, and that I felt safe enough to stay. With the threat of the gun now added in, even without the other issues, now the danger and risk is increased. I don't think he'd ever want that either, to harm someone, but he wasn't thinking when he was so upset, and Lord knows he's been upset with me.

I'll be back in touch as I can in a few days.

 
Woolsie

[Kwamina]

I have been 'invited' by my friend to come up and literally do some 'wool spinning' this weekend, and that should not arouse suspicion. She has a safe place for me. I am ready, I am prepared. I can walk out the door. I hope that I can do what I know I must do and that is to not come back Sunday night, but to go to my next safe place, and on to work Monday. I spoke with the attorney yesterday and have an appointment for Thursday. My T hoped I could get in sooner.

I am scared. I can do this... .I think.

You've been preparing well for what of course still is a difficult thing to do, but considering the circumstances does seem the right move to make to keep yourself safe. Your fear is understandable, I too think you can do this though for you are Wools-Eye:



The Board Parrot is thinking of you

[Woolspinner2000]

The Board Parrot is thinking of you Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Thanks Kwamina. 

I am safe and away from home. Next step is to tell DH that I won't be back home tonight. I plan to tell him I need some time to think and pray and process.

Some things that are so hard are merely steps of faith because there is no happiness in doing them. Not all of life is easy.

Wools-eye 

[Harri]

Thanks for checking in with us Wools.   

Some things that are so hard are merely steps of faith because there is no happiness in doing them. Not all of life is easy.

I am praying for you as you process all of this.   

[Cat Familiar]

You're very brave and you've thought this through well, Wools.  At some point it will all get easier.  

Cat

[Only Human]

 

[Harri]

How are you Wools?

[Woolspinner2000]

I have a few moments of energy and time to update you. I'm still at a safe location away from my home. I've been overwhelmed with emotions, ups and downs, and great fatigue. Today I felt as if I had some time when I was a little more settled while I was at work. Less emotional, more able to see the facts.

I've texted a tiny bit each day (very briefly) to check on DH, just as I told him I would. When I called him Sunday to say I needed some time away to think and pray, the subject of his comment about the gun came up. He said he didn't remember it because it was an incidental comment, and that it was issues from my childhood that are causing my fear. He said he cannot fix my fear, that it is something that I have to take care of and work on. He said that if he can't make incidental comments, then he'll need to walk around in a plastic bubble. He doesn't understand my concern or fear. It is what it is. There is some truth in what he says. There also is a lack of taking responsibility for his words.

So that's where things are at the moment. We will meet at the marriage counselor's this Friday to see what we see. I've not been able to relax enough yet to dig into what I'm feeling. I hope that soon I will begin to be able to do so.

 
Wools