He doesn't care about me enough to reach out so why should I?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I nearly caved in about an hour ago... .I very nearly reached out in email to wish my friend a Happy Christmas but I stopped myself.  I stopped myself because 1. if he doesn't reply I'll feel like utter crap and 2. he probably won't give a hoot if I wish him a Happy Christmas anyway so why bother.

The trigger for this was reading that somebody jumped in front of a train not too far away from where he lives.  As Christmas can be very depressing for some who don't have many people around to share it with, especially those with mental health issues, a part of me wanted to do it for that reason, to let him know I still think about him and care.  But he doesn't care about me enough to reach out so why should I?  Damn my empathy brain and fixer/saviour mode again.  So I stopped and told myself he will be fine with or without me wishing him the best.  After all, he's coped the past 10 months without me in his life so... .

[insideoutside]

So I nearly caved in about an hour ago... .I very nearly reached out in email to wish my friend a Happy Christmas but I stopped myself.  I stopped myself because 1. if he doesn't reply I'll feel like utter crap and 2. he probably won't give a hoot if I wish him a Happy Christmas anyway so why bother.

The trigger for this was reading that somebody jumped in front of a train not too far away from where he lives.  As Christmas can be very depressing for some who don't have many people around to share it with, especially those with mental health issues, a part of me wanted to do it for that reason, to let him know I still think about him and care.  But he doesn't care about me enough to reach out so why should I?  Damn my empathy brain and fixer/saviour mode again.  So I stopped and told myself he will be fine with or without me wishing him the best.  After all, he's coped the past 10 months without me in his life so... .

[CryWolf]

It’s understandable you you wanted to reach out with the circumstances mentioned. Don’t be too hard on yourself. 

I think it was very bold to look in within before reaching out to them.

Do you have any plans for the holidays yourself?

[Red5]

So I nearly caved in about an hour ago... .

Damn my empathy brain and fixer/saviour mode again.  

So I stopped and told myself he will be fine with or without me wishing him the best.  

Hey insideoutside, I want to echo CryWolf,

Don't be too hard on yourself, that's how a whole lot of us are wired, ie' the "default"... .*empathetic, *fixers, *saviors... .all equal "caretaker".

We will always be like this, but we all need to come to a place where we can realize that sometimes we need to just "let them be"... .I know that's hard, but that's the cold truth... .if we allow ourselves to "go backwards", we may indeed lose our balance and topple over backwards (metaphorically), and relapse right back into our old existence with the pw/BPD... .and that is not healthy for us.

Hang in there!

Red5

[Cromwell]

its easy to get emotional this time of year, it was also something I stopped myself from realising that part of the impulse is just habit from doing so the former years.

once the first since NC xmas, birthday pass and its not been sent and theres still been no NC - it was a signifcant achievement for me mentally towards detachment.

[Lucky Jim]

I stopped myself because 1. if he doesn't reply I'll feel like utter crap and 2. he probably won't give a hoot if I wish him a Happy Christmas anyway so why bother.

Hey inside/out, I think you were wise to pause before acting on that fleeting impulse to reach out.  Perhaps a third reason why it's good you stopped yourself is that it would have given him power over you to respond or not, and you would have been in that passive, anxious state of wondering whether you would hear back.  What makes the difference, in my view, is your awareness of what was going on internally, which shows mindfulness and a healthy respect for self.

LuckyJim

[Tsultan]

Good for you for thinking through before you reached out.  I can relate to the reasons you said you stopped yourself.  I too reached out to my former BPD boyfriend and had those same thoughts.  It does put us in an anxious state waiting for a response which usually doesn't work out too well for me. 

You took care of yourself and that is a great thing! 

My former BPD bf's birthday is today.  I thought about him and wondered if he had loved ones to share his birthday with.  I said a prayer instead of me reaching out to say Happy Birthday.  I went NC a few days ago because I accidentally ran into him about a week ago and it created a whole lot of pain for me again.  I decided I need to get serious about detaching from him.  No secretly wishing to see him anywhere.  He's not good for me.  I do feel sorry for him too and I have the desire to be his rescuer/care taker. That is my nature.  It's a good trait to have but not when it hurts me.   

Thanks for sharing.   

[insideoutside]

Thank you all; it does help when people remind me that I have to take care of me and put the saviour/fixer mentality to the back of my mind.  I know he's ok; he's probably in the midst of some romantic interest or other to even notice what else is going on in the world around him... or chasing that ever elusive career changing role (and good luck to him, I hope he sincerely does find one).

I think why I struggle is that he seemed to want me in his life so badly at one point; but now  its like I don't even exist.  I then sit and think to myself why am I so desperate to have him in my life. He doesn't particularly enhance it; I'm always anxious when we are in contact so when we aren't why do I crave the contact so much.  I think as I have said before, he reminds me of 'home'.  Somewhere I left 18 years ago now and miss very much and regret my decision, but unfortunately cannot go back due to house prices in the area and my husband's job.  My friend embodies everything that was fun and happy about my youth I guess.  I think that's why I try to hold on; because of the memories being in contact with him serve.

I'm fairly happy in my life; I have a lovely husband who is thoughtful and hard working (despite us going through a terrible time 7 years ago) and a daughter who is growing up to be a lovely, thoughtful and respectful young lady.  I have a job, I go to Zumba regularly and have made friends there and me and my husband have a mutual love of rock music so go to gigs etc when we can.  I have lots to be thankful for and I am.  I'm looking forward to Christmas with them and seeing the joy in my daughter's eyes on Christmas morning.  But... something feels 'missing' from my life now that I have had my friend in it for a length of time.  Not empty, just missing.  And I know that's something I need to explore further.

[insideoutside]

a third reason why it's good you stopped yourself is that it would have given him power over you to respond or not, and you would have been in that passive, anxious state of wondering whether you would hear back.

Indeed LJ.  I think not handing power over to him is also what is stopping me reach out.  I've done it way too many times; reached out, apologised, told him he means a lot to me and that I like having him in my life so its because just as much of a given as his push/pull.  I did reach out and apologise in April, no response.  Wished him a happy birthday in May, got a thank you.  Then I realised he was still following a facebook page to a class I go to (Zumba over 100 miles away from where he lives) in August, so I politely asked him to stop following it and he feigned ignorance and said he wasn't following it, despite me attaching a screenshot of the page.    I haven't heard from him since and I haven't reached out.  So yes, handing over power after no contact for over 4 months is something I'm not willing to give him.

[Mutt]

So yes, handing over power after no contact for over 4 months is something I'm not willing to give him.

I think it’s also a trigger that’s a sad story about s person jumping in front of a train and it’s the holiday season - it can play on the heart strings.

You said that you knew him 18 years ago? He survived all of that time he’ll survive on his own after you - right?

Do you talk to a T about your youth, carefreeness and with where you are today in life? What do you regret about moving away where in a r/s at the time? Do you think that it’s worth exploring in therapy?

[zachira]

It's so hard not to reach out, yet you resisted the impulse to do so because while you care about his feelings he doesn't really seem to care about yours. You now care enough about your feelings to stop getting hurt by him.

[insideoutside]

I think it’s also a trigger that’s a sad story about s person jumping in front of a train and it’s the holiday season - it can play on the heart strings.

You said that you knew him 18 years ago? He survived all of that time he’ll survive on his own after you - right?

Do you talk to a T about your youth, carefreeness and with where you are today in life? What do you regret about moving away where in a r/s at the time? Do you think that it’s worth exploring in therapy?

Hi Mutt

It’s 29 years ago we first dated.  

I’ve been in counselling twice.  I spent most of my sessions with my fantastic counsellor discussing my childhood and trying to look at my inner child.  Throughout my counselling I always said I understood my mums actions and how much she suffered being a single parent and she deserved happiness.  Even if that meant abandoning me and moving 8000 miles away.  She deserved it.  My counsellor could see I felt abandoned; by my mum and then my husband when he had his affair.  The 2nd lot of counselling my friend had come back into my life and I discussed him at length with my counsellor as I was confused about my feelings and his odd behaviour.  She deduced from our discussions that he had BPD and it all clicked into place when I looked it up.

So it’s Christmas Day here in the UK now.  No email.  Not sure why I feel disappointed as I knew there wouldn’t be one. I always said I’d be there for him but no, not anymore.  I’m am completely done.  Sadness has turned to anger again now and I really angry at being hoodwinked by him at the start of the year and falling for his BS yet again to the detriment of my peace of mine and self respect.

[zachira]

You are longing for your ex boyfriend with BPD to contact you, even though you realize he does not care about you, and really cannot understand why you feel this way. Perhaps you wish he would apologize for how he has hurt you in a way that would allow for you to heal from how he has deeply wounded you. I am wondering what are the words you might want to hear him say and mean that would be healing?

[insideoutside]

So that urge reared its head again about 30 minutes ago; a big rush of adrenalin surged through me and I got a bit anxious at the thought of reaching  out.  I thought I'll just say 'I know we don't talk anymore but I would like to wish you happy new year and all the best'.  But then I remember someone on here saying 'sit with your feelings until they pass'.  So I did.  And they did pass.  And I returned back to base pretty quickly.

The trigger this time was due to reading Quora and somebody saying that sometimes BPD is 'created' due to a child being mentally stuck at an age of trauma.  I remember my friend saying he was an adult with the emotional maturity of a 4 year old, which I'm guessing he fathomed through therapy and 4 years old being the age he witnessed DV between his parents and was emotionally and physically abused by his dad and neglected by his mum.  That makes me sad and I know that means that the things he says and does are sometimes done out of impulsion and immaturity, but, he is still an adult and responsible for what he says and how he acts.    

Happy New Year all x

[Mutt]

You’re right even though that he has a serious mental illnesss he also has an obligation to take care of himself and go taje care of the mental illness. Also BPD can be caused by genetics, your environment or sudden trauma, that being said despite all of the ways that you can have BPD emotional immaturity is found in all of them.

It’s sad thinking about witnessing DV at such a young age but it’s also speculating, thinking about one sad event can worsen your feelings I’d suggest look at all of the possibilities because it helps with grounding yourself.

[insideoutside]

So after ummung and ahhing all day; and a couple of glasses of wine later I did email him at 23.35 and said I was sorry that we didn’t talk anymore, that I hope he had a great new year and wished him all the best.  When I didn’t get a reply I felt dispondent and annoyed at myself but then I thought no, don’t be angry as you have shown that you have empathy and kindness and there’s nothing wrong in that.  You have given yourself closure and can start the new year not looking back.

Going through my emails half an hour ago and deleting old stuff there were two unopened ones in my trash.  Both from him, one dated 00.58 this morning and another one at 08.44 both saying Happy New Year in response to my email.  So I am kinda surprised but pleased he did respond.  I haven’t replied.  I’ll leave it as it is.  He now knows I hold no malice so the balls in his court so to speak.

[zachira]

You are in a good place right now. You decided to end things on a good note. It reminds me of how I had a boyfriend who ended our relationship with kindness and care, and it was so different than ending a relationship with so many unresolved feelings. The feelings are so different when we take the high road, and there can be closure.