From No Contact to Limited Contact w/Boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

It has been awhile since I've last posted. Long story short, I have a mother uBPD and sister diagnosed BPD. The last 5 years have been spent in estrangement, where I have had little to no contact with either one of them. There were definitely some difficult times, but I had managed to accept the fact that this is where things were at.

Within the last couple weeks, I had some unexpected personal things that ended up shifting around, and ended up needing to crash back at home with my parents for about a month or so.

I was very nervous about going home for the first time in 5 years. It has been a couple weeks, and neither my sister or mother and I have addressed anything, but boundaries seem to be going okay (aka no tantrums as of late, etc.)

I'm curious if anyone out there went for a long period of time with no contact, and somehow negotiated (albeit indirectly) a space where things may be cordial (and I am under no illusion that things will be 100% -- they are really cordial and we don't discuss anything of any vulnerability/depth). So -- a no contact to limited contact situation -- and how you've managed that?

Would love to hear others' potential experience with this and how you've navigated it. Thanks much.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi everyone,

It has been awhile since I've last posted. Long story short, I have a mother uBPD and sister diagnosed BPD. The last 5 years have been spent in estrangement, where I have had little to no contact with either one of them. There were definitely some difficult times, but I had managed to accept the fact that this is where things were at.

Within the last couple weeks, I had some unexpected personal things that ended up shifting around, and ended up needing to crash back at home with my parents for about a month or so.

I was very nervous about going home for the first time in 5 years. It has been a couple weeks, and neither my sister or mother and I have addressed anything, but boundaries seem to be going okay (aka no tantrums as of late, etc.)

I'm curious if anyone out there went for a long period of time with no contact, and somehow negotiated (albeit indirectly) a space where things may be cordial (and I am under no illusion that things will be 100% -- they are really cordial and we don't discuss anything of any vulnerability/depth). So -- a no contact to limited contact situation -- and how you've managed that?

Would love to hear others' potential experience with this and how you've navigated it. Thanks much.

[Harri]

Hi ainteasy.  It is good to have you back.   

I am glad things are going okay with your mother and sister right now.

I'm curious if anyone out there went for a long period of time with no contact, and somehow negotiated (albeit indirectly) a space where things may be cordial (and I am under no illusion that things will be 100% -- they are really cordial and we don't discuss anything of any vulnerability/depth). So -- a no contact to limited contact situation -- and how you've managed that?

I don't know if my experience counts but (!) my mom stopped talking to me after I moved out.  That lasted for about a year and a half and I had very little contact with her just because I was still in contact with my dad and brother. 

Then certain things happened where we had more contact.  She began to 'thaw' a bit and tried gong back to the way things used to be but I held firm.  I had used the time where she was silent to work on me and I used boundaries (with very hard lines) and was determined to speak up and set limits as well.  It did not go over too well but I stuck with it and over time she actually changed some of her behaviors.  Sticking with it was the hard part though.

I think in the situation you describe here, you will have to do similar.   How confident are you with boundaries?  A lot of us have fear surrounding our BPD parent.  Do you?  Is that something you want to work on?

[nenarox2]

Hola,

Yes, I have had long stints without talking to my dBPDm. She used to rant and verbally abuse and throw tantrums. I started hanging up and then went for about a year without contact. She learned that I will not tolerate the barrage of phone calls, screaming, crying, threatening to kill herself, wishing we were all dead and that she had aborted us ungrateful and messed up children... .That has stopped.

We are now cordial except that she has become more manipulative about how she maintains being the center of attention. It involves a lot more guilt trips, tiny slips of information to maintain sole communication with me while keeping my siblings also just speaking to her. Stealing attention by making it seem like she is being supportive- but really showing up to act like she did it all. Also, I have to maintain a mask over my emotions because showing any sort of emotion will trigger a slip of "well I am sorry I mess you up so badly that you can't ____".

You have to keep vigilant, but it is possible. If you are fine with accepting that no matter what you do, they will work to steal the attention.  And always adapt to avoid abandonment.

Nen

[HappyChappy]

I went NC for 5 years. My BPD tried to get everyone to cut me off, but ironically it back fired and all family member are LC with her now. She has not changed one jot. The main change is I’m more aware of what shes doing, so better able to contain it and protect my own mental health.

She has repeatedly said I’m different. Which I take to mean, she can’t use F.O.G. as effectively on me. She clearly has a huge sense of entitlement to my time and never thanks, just expects.

Over the NC period, she has found attention elsewhere, which helps. A BPD doesn't really care where the attention comes from, blood means nothing but entitlement to my BPD and NPD.

I know if I told my BPD or NPD not to do something, they would do more of it. Never reveal a weekeness if you can help it. So I don’t agrea plans, I just ensure my boundaries stay firm.  My BPD is always frantic for personal information, my friends called the the Gestapo because she aggressively grilled them every chance she got. She would then use that information against you. In the past I'd give into her nagging for this information, not now. She can do too much damage with the right information.

Currently my mum is pretend she can’t do this or that and I must come running or she'll  embarrass me somehow. The old me would believe her and help out. The new me, e-mails her details of a local handy man (because I’m a long distance away).

Reconnecting has gone well, but only because I keep boundaries in place, by keeping the initiative and starving my BPD and NPD of information. I hope this helps and best of luck.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hi everyone,

Great hearing from you all, and thanks so much for your thoughtful replies.

And to answer your questions, Harri:

"How confident are you with boundaries?  A lot of us have fear surrounding our BPD parent.  Do you?  Is that something you want to work on?"

One of the things I really focused on during the 5 years of NC was working quite a bit on myself -- including boundaries. I have reflected on it, and if I am not being treated with respect, then I will again leave/go back to NC (this goes for every single person in my life). I have resigned/accepted the fact that both relationships w/mother and sister w/BPD will never be fully functional, the way I'd ideally like it, etc. I think LC with boundaries is where my ideal is, and if that isn't possible during any duration of time -- I am prepared to set those boundaries, and go back to NC if I have to.

I agree with HappyChappy & nenarox2 re: the vigilance and essentially keeping things really general/not vulnerable. I think before I went NC for 5 years, one of the things that would trip me up was the belief that it could still get better, somehow. It is often exhausting and sad that vigilance is required w/one's own family members -- there's that instinct that you want to believe things will get better/they will come around -- but after a lifetime of enduring verbal and emotional abuse -- it is absolutely necessary to set those boundaries/go NC if you need to. And that is something I have definitely taken away from these last 5 years NC.

I hope the holiday season is going as peacefully as possible for you all.