Needing advice for the holidays

[_inthelight_]

Hello! I came across bpdfamily when trying to gather insight and tools to help me navigate the Christmas holiday with my family. I’m not sure if my mom has BPD but with everything I’ve read so far on the subject, it seems likely. A little background: I always dread the holidays because this is the time when my mom’s depression seems to spiral out of control. She has serious mental and emotional issues stemming from a horrific childhood and has been involved in a wide range of treatment avenues but nevertheless the holidays are always a potentially volatile time. As a child I remember the holidays being a happy time but as I entered my teenage years and early adulthood, things seemed to spiral downward. On many occasions, my mom has either “canceled” holidays, refused to participate (remaining locked in her room while the rest of the family tried to enjoy the time together), disappeared and cut off contact so we didn’t even know where she was  or worst of all there have been instances where she has made suicide threats and attempts around the holidays. I find that I am always kind of “bracing for impact” this time of year and it makes it difficult to enjoy the season with my own family. I feel awful for her because I suspect that something traumatic must have happened around the holidays in her childhood that causes her to behave this way. It seems that she is crying out for help but when I have tried to be supportive, she typically pushes me away. It’s an incredibly frustrating and helpless feeling.

The most recent source of conflict is that she has decided to change our family’s traditional plans so that those of us who already had plans during that time will have to cancel or adjust to accommodate. When my husband and I married, we established a tradition to celebrate Christmas with his family on Christmas Eve in order to accommodate my side of the family’s Christmas morning tradition. For 20 years, this has worked fine and it is what my own children have known and expected. Last year, she decided one week before Christmas that we would now celebrate our family’s Christmas on Christmas Eve. My husband was unwilling to acquiesce to this change in tradition and sacrifice time with his family, so I spent Christmas Eve frantically running around town to make sure our kids would be able to attend both get-togethers. The aftermath of his choice resulted in her berating him for his choice not to attend. She is unwilling to entertain alternative options so that we can all enjoy time together without being rushed or adding additional stress. I am struggling to understand if this is a BPD tactic and how I can navigate this situation in a healthy way. I don’t want my kids to miss out on spending time with either of their sets of grandparents. I am so conflicted. Part of me understands my husband’s position and choice and part of me wishes he’d be a little more flexible. Part of me understands my mom’s right to organize our family’s get-together in a way that is most convenient for her and part of me is resentful that her choice is upsetting long-standing traditions with my husband, kids and in-laws. I have no idea what to do. If this year plays out the same as last, I know that I will be rushing around to accommodate everyone and consequently be more stressed and agitated. I won’t be the best version of myself for my husband or kids. If I choose not to attend one family’s celebration, the consequences will be exponential. I feel that I am in an impossible set of circumstances and all I want is to be able to spend the holidays in peace and joy with ALL of my family.

I am beginning to question if I’m making this more complicated than it needs to be. Sometimes I feel like I’m the one who’s crazy. All of my siblings are handling this differently and although we all get along and agree that our mom has issues, each of us takes a different approach to coping and managing our relationship with her. She is not a bad person and I’m not trying to demonize her. I recognize that her wounds from childhood are deep and that she loves us dearly. She just doesn’t have healthy coping skills to deal with the intense trauma she suffered and she uses the best techniques that she can to get her needs met. Our father is supportive of all of us but he tends to do whatever it takes to keep my mom happy. Any insight, advice, suggestions or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site.  I am glad you found us. 

Holidays seem to be a really stressful and difficult time for many of us here so know you are not alone.  We all deal with the demands differently and can not only support you but also think of how you want to handle things this year.

What you describe is not uncommon:  the 'canceling' of holidays, not participating, an increase in dysregulation,  unrealistic expectations of other family members, the focus on self only... .  It is very challenging to work through.

 

I feel that I am in an impossible set of circumstances and all I want is to be able to spend the holidays in peace and joy with ALL of my family.

Can you think of any way you can achieve this without running around and getting stressed on Christmas Eve?  Maybe see your mom earlier in the day and then go to your in-laws? 

Is telling your mom No, we have long standing plans for Christmas Eve but we would love to get together with you on Christmas Day and are looking forward to it a possibility in your mind?

Thoughts?

[zachira]

You have to do what is in your heart, and what works best for you and your family members. Based on what has happened in the last few years, you know that you cannot really make your mother happy, and that she will always be finding ways to create chaos and turmoil during the holiday season. I would let spending Christmas Eve at your mother's be a choice for each person in the family to make on their own. Those of you who want to stop by can do so, and the others who want to continue the tradition of only going to your in-law's house on Christmas Eve can do that. It is understandable that you feel sorry for your mother and wish you could help her. You really can't feel your mother's feelings for her. What kind of outside support does your mother have? Does she have friends and activities that she enjoys? Is there any way you can talk to her health care providers and perhaps get her a mental health evaluation and some treatment? You are not alone in having to deal with a mother who is in turmoil during the holidays. My mother did Christmas for years for the family, refused any help, and always blew up at some point. Now she resents having her children do Christmas for her, because she still wants to be in control. Take care and keep us posted. Let us know how the holidays go, and how we can be the most helpful.

[_inthelight_]

Thank you for your suggestions and support! After I tried to suggest reasonable alternatives for scheduling a few days ago, I was met with resistance, threats and guilt. That’s a fairly common response when she’s in this state. Subconsciously, I think she knows that these tactics allow her to get what she wants. I think I might try to approach it again from a different angle as you suggested. I am scared of the possible backlash though. It’s still hard for me not to internalize things she says when she’s feeling like this but I’m beginning to understand that I can’t control the way she reacts.

[Harri]

It’s still hard for me not to internalize things she says when she’s feeling like this but I’m beginning to understand that I can’t control the way she reacts.

This was the hardest thing for me with my mom.  Trying to find footing in terms of knowing who I am not who my mother thought I was based on her emotions.  We are conditioned to respond to their emotional threats, even if they are not doing these things intentionally.  They have learned over time that their behaviors will work on us just like we have learned that we can sometimes make things better by giving them what they want.  As kids, we had to do that, but now?  No.  But it is so hard to change a life time of behaviors and to reel in all the emotions we feel at the thought of the backlash and whatever else they may dish out.

We have a great article titled Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt that describes this process quite well.  The thing is, our pwBPD can't control us without our consent.  I know I make it sound simple and it is anything but simple... .but in another way it is that simple.  Errrm, does that make sense?  See if the article helps you with this and let me know.  I would love to talk about it with you.

[_inthelight_]

Thank you Harri! That article has a wealth of knowledge and tools that I think will help. I think it’s fair to say that I am still “in the FOG” and susceptible to my mom’s emotional blackmail. My mom uses suicide threats and attempts as her currency. It’s extremely painful and acutely effective because I know that her feelings are very real to her and I don’t want to lose her or even worse, have my children lose their grandmother. I hesitate to divulge that because everything I’ve read and know tells me to take suicide threats very seriously, as well they should, but in my situation, I’ve lost count of the times she’s threatened and attempted. The fact is that my mom is very smart and an experienced healthcare clinician and if she really wanted to die, she would’ve been gone a long time ago. Even still, I’ve relived that scenario so many times that on some level, I’m starting to try to make peace with how I will handle it if she succeeds one day.

[Harri]

I am glad the article helped.

Suicide threats are horrible to deal with and I am so sorry she does that to you.  It must be so hard when you know this is the umpteenth time she has made this threat and you know she knows how to do it, but at the same time you can't be sure.   My feeling is to always call for help but at the same time I do not believe that emergency personnel should be used to set boundaries with our loved ones.  It makes for a very complex situation.  BTW, you are not the first to express this here.  Suicide threats are the worst sort of emotional blackmail.

We do have a Suicide Ideation (SI) Emergency Protocol that we use here.  It is an excellent guide that you may find helpful.  Sorry, I keep throwing links at you but this is pretty long and I do not know what part of it will fit your situation.   Some of it is written for this board but other parts apply to any SI situation.  Here it is:  https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Let me know what you think. 

A lot of us are still dealing with FOG.  I do to an extent and my mom died back in 2007!   It is tough to break through.  As a group we are pretty good at spotting it so if you are ever unsure, ask.  ;)