What to do when the significant other with BPD wants space

[Herman sky]

Hello everybody,

I am new here and I would never have thought i would ever seek out for help in a thread but I am crazy in Love with a Girl who´s diagnosed with BPD

I try to keep my story short but precise and I am thankful for any help.

Me 31 and her 24 met a few month ago at a job. We dated, we talked, we laughed, we´ve made love and we where together 24/7.

At the beginning she told me everything about her. About her abusive mum in her  childhood, shes been sexual abused by her uncle , shes been beaten by a guy in front of her male friends , the abuse with drugs and alcohol, her traumatic relationship with a narcissistic guy who brought her to drugs alcohol and bukakke parties. , but she couldn't leave him for 2 years, she broke up and  went to the clinic, did therapy and received the diagnoses BPD. she got herself a dog( which was sick) spend all her money to save that dog ( lives a happy life now) she met another guy who stabilized her, but she had no feelings only stayed because he had a nice family.


And then she met me.
She said I dont' want a relationship we are in a  friendzone, but soon she behaved like we were a couple. And she told me i was different for her. She felt in love , she told me she had the WOW experience with me, she  kept saying stuff like, "usellally I dont to this or that" or "i dont say this or that but with you do it". Unfortunately she stopped therapy when she met me but until one week ago everything looked just fine.

As i said we spent everyday together , so i got stuck and soaked up into her life. I became co- dependent. and then one night she said something which hurt me, and I didnt know why it hurt me but i couldn't talk to her we just felt asleep without cuddling .the next morning i still felt bad and didn't talk to her. She asked me a few times whats wrong and i didn't reply, i was super awkward and aware of the fact, that I'm rejecting her but I had big issues confronting her. And just before i left for work, I told her whats wrong with me and she was pissed and didn't understand me.

She told me we don't have a relationship and I make a thing out of it which is stressful for her and puts a in a state where she has to explain herself for her behavior which is double stress for her.
We had some little issues before but we solved it because we can communicate very well and she is aware of her diagnosis and learned a lot in the therapy.

but this time i triggerd something which was stronger then before. She wanted a break
i got desperate and confused and looked up BPD so I am reading about it for like a week. I see the tools and understand her now. We saw each other one night since the past week. I stayed over and we cuddled but the next morning she told me , there is no hope. She likes me to much and she has to push me out of her live, she cant trust anybody. All the nice things i tried to say just reminded her of her abusive ex boyfriend who was also nice in the beginning.

After reading threads blogs and books about BPD i can grasp a tiny bit of her situation.
"I cant see you" she tells me, "its gonna be okay somehow" she tells me and "I really gonna miss you". I still feel helpless, I dont know what to do except for being there and telling her she can count on me.

Do you think I should write her everyday to tell her I am still there?At least  Every night I send her a song I played on the guitar before that she can fall asleep, because without me, she sleeps very bad. Or is that me trying to help her to much?

I start to freak out even though I understand that she is going through something which is hard for her to control.

Thanks for reading my story

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[once removed]

hi Herman sky, and

i can hear your urgency in your post, and how hard this is for you.

Do you think I should write her everyday to tell her I am still there?At least  Every night I send her a song I played on the guitar before that she can fall asleep, because without me, she sleeps very bad. Or is that me trying to help her to much?

has she responded?

[itsmeSnap]

Hey Herman

I see a lot of my own situation in what you described so I just want to let you know, you're not alone in this.

then one night she said something which hurt me, and I didnt know why it hurt me but i couldn't talk to her

Something similar happened to me, except it was the "situation" that pushed me away and not anything that was said. Since posting here I've noticed my own issues playing into the relationship dynamic, so I'm curious: what did she say that hurt you? also, why would it seem "confusing" to you that it did hurt you?

We ask a lot of questions here to get a feel for the particulars of your situation so we can give better advice. keep posting and hope you're feeling a bit better from reaching out 

[Herman sky]

Hello once removed,

thanks for your empathy

has she responded?

Yes she replies to all my messages. But she also told me in the beginning, she would never ever run after a guy and write him first. So I feel like, If I don't contact her from time to time we wouldn't have any contact at all.

But that's where I feel trapped. How many messages are to many; its between I show you I care about you and I am there for you and I don't want to put pressure on you... .

 Christmas is coming and before both of us are driving home I would like to see her.

[Herman sky]

Hello ItsmeSnap,

thanks for your post!

Something similar happened to me, except it was the "situation" that pushed me away and not anything that was said. Since posting here I've noticed my own issues playing into the relationship dynamic, so I'm curious: what did she say that hurt you? also, why would it seem "confusing" to you that it did hurt you?

We spent so much time together I became dependent on her in a way that she influenced my self-esteem. She works as a model and she told me so many Times I am attractive and whatsoever, but at one point I felt like, If  she doesn't look at me right now or if she doesn't kiss me now, I feel rejected.  I told her this before going to bed. She said that she has the feeling she has to please me all the time and that I don't accept her. She felt like doing stuff for me even though she didn't really wanted, even sex.

That shocked me, I couldn't digest the information and became quit until the next morning.

Confusing for me was the fact that before I met her I was just happy with myself I had a good sense of Self-awareness how women react to me and so on.

In the end I figured out we got stuck in co-dependency and Now I am fine.

 Afterwards I told her this, that it might have been good to spend some time alone , to see friends but she took it bad of course , because I  put myself in a role of a victim who was just doing what she wanted just  to please her. But I didn't! I loved every single second with her. I told her it is my problem, that I am doubting myself and I have to figure that out.

All I see now is , that she must be in anxiety going through a lot of stress and trying to level down . She's splitting so badly I can't reach out to her to figure stuff out. In the end I don't know how to deal with it, when she is so scared of a the word relationship. My only hope is, we can find a way to see each other again and she will be willing to continue her therapy.

[Doughboy]

All I see now is , that she must be in anxiety going through a lot of stress and trying to level down . She's splitting so badly I can't reach out to her to figure stuff out. In the end I don't know how to deal with it, when she is so scared of a the word relationship. My only hope is, we can find a way to see each other again and she will be willing to continue her therapy.

Herm,  I can really understand how this can be confusing. I have been in this situation and it can cause your head to spin.  Totally normal.

My advice is to give her the space she wants. All of it.  You may lose her... .you may not. You may not hear from her for days, weeks, months.  She has to decide what she needs because she needs to be comfortable with what is happening.  You can't do that for her unfortunately.

I would suggest you take the time to learn up on all of this stuff.  Don't obsess, just become informed.  It will be very valuable if/when she reaches back out.   If she never does it will provide you with a little peace and maybe alleviate any guilt/responsibility you may be putting on yourself. 

I have been on a path similar to yours so I am just speaking from my experience on what allowed me to stay healthy.  Mine Person walked 3 times - 3 mo, 4 mo, and then for 6 mo.  She came back after the 6 and we are currently back together for 6 mo with really great stuff.  Each time she walked she came back a little more ready to accept her stuff. It built slowly but she is full accepting at this point.

It takes time for them.  You need to decide if you want to wait. If you want to learn. If you want to adapt.  It's a lot, so stay focused on you as much as possible.

Any feeling you are having are normal, and expected. Anger, frustration, sadness, confusion... .all normal! 

Good luck! 

DB

PS:  Try your best to NOT obsess. It will make things worse with her and WAY worse for you. Remember there is a whole world out there.  Interact with it daily, in a personal way, to keep you balanced.

[RedArt]

I would suggest you take the time to learn up on all of this stuff.  Don't obsess, just become informed.  It will be very valuable if/when she reaches back out.   If she never does it will provide you with a little peace and maybe alleviate any guilt/responsibility you may be putting on yourself.  

I'm really new to the whole idea of BPD and I really appreciate what you are saying here.  It's really hard not to obsess about someone you love and are worried about, but I think this is really good advice.

It takes time for them.  You need to decide if you want to wait. If you want to learn. If you want to adapt.  It's a lot, so stay focused on you as much as possible.

I wish I had understood 5 years ago that I needed to focus on me.  I'm so lost it's going to take a bit to find my way back to me.  Take the advice and try to work on you and who you are.  It's so easy to get caught up in worrying about this person that you love that cannot manage their emotions.  (I'm working on managing mine now!)

[Skip]

Very good advice, Doughboy.

Herman sky, while the relationship is intense, look at the separation as an important break from that intensity. This is a time of slow and calm.

Think of someone at sensory overload going into a dark closet to regain their equilibrium and then to take a very slow and cautious reentry back out of the closet.

The important thing is not to keep stimulating her, but rather to leave the door open and lt her come back slowly on her own.

Does that make sense.  The whole tempo has to change right now.  Slow. Easy. No demands.

[Herman sky]

Thanks for all the support and help.

 

Does that make sense.  The whole tempo has to change right now.  Slow. Easy. No demands.

It really makes sense to me, that she is splitting. And I try my best not to push her.

The important thing is not to keep stimulating her, but rather to leave the door open and lt her come back slowly on her own.

But I dont know exactly how to leave that door open? We are writing everyday since we know each other. I dont know If I should write less or completely stop texting her now.   At least I never freaked out. I was always calm and never demanding, I tried to giver her the feeling, that I respect her decision but that she can still count on me.

But Yeah you are all right, focus on oneself is also important.

[Skip]

Respond to her. Don't take the initiative. Let her texts be the last in each sequence.

You didn't ask for space - she knows that.

[Herman sky]

Respond to her. Don't take the initiative. Let her texts be the last in each sequence.

That sounds reasonable ! Its only so hard, because she told me she would never ever reach out to the other person. And I think even if she would love to, she can't somehow. That makes it so frustrating. But in the end you are right, i stop texting her for a while and see how it goes.

[Skip]

Are you texting an not getting responses?  Are you typically the last text in the sequence?

[Herman sky]

Are you texting an not getting responses?  Are you typically the last text in the sequence?

I am always getting a response.

yesterday night :

me " I miss u"

Her response ""

end

[Skip]

How do you interpret that?  I interpret it as an sign that your comment was not what she wants to deal with right now.

If I wanted space in a relationship, which means I want to get away from the sensory or emotional overload of the relationship, that would be encroaching on my space.

It's good that you let it go with her reply.

[Herman sky]

I kind of interpret it as a I miss u too but I can't express my feelings.

But yeah what do I know, except that she really really liked me and its hard for her to split with me.

[Skip]

Think of it this way.  Everyone has two coinciding feelings - reasons to stay and reasons to leave. In idealization, it could be as high as 100% and 0%. As the relationship progresses, reality move it to 90% and 10% (should leave).  Right. You have this going on, too.  But you stayed because the good outweigh the bad.

Right now she is somewhere like 40% and 60% (should leave) or even 30% and 70%. She is taking space because the bad outweighs the good.  Even when this happens, their is part of her that wants to stay (but the bad out weigh the good).

She wants space to let these percentage re-balance.

Why did she leave?  I don't think you know.

Giving her the "sad puppy" often works against you because it is not addressing the reasons why she left and it is all about you.

The best thing to do is be strong and upbeat and do things that are interesting an fun. Stay fresh and stay attractive.

When she does open the door to talk - the first thing to probe (lightly) is, "what is making you pull away" and then listen.  Then it is about her.

1. Stay attractive, independent, marching forward with good life.

2. When she opens the door, make it about her and her needs, not yours. Listen to her, confirm that you understand, and say you want to think about it. Don't try to fix anything on the fly. Get help and get a plan.

Make sense?

[Herman sky]

Think of it this way.  Everyone has two coinciding feelings - reasons to stay and reasons to leave. In idealization, it could be as high as 100% and 0%. As the relationship progresses, reality move it to 90% and 10% (should leave).  Right. You have this going on, too.  But you stayed because the good outweigh the bad.

Right now she is somewhere like 40% and 60% (should leave) or even 30% and 70%. She is taking space because the bad outweighs the good.  Even when this happens, their is part of her that wants to stay (but the bad out weigh the good).

She wants space to let these percentage re-balance.

Why did she leave?  I don't think you know.

Giving her the "sad puppy" often works against you because it is not addressing the reasons why she left and it is all about you.

The best thing to do is be strong and upbeat and do things that are interesting an fun. Stay fresh and stay attractive.

When she does open the door to talk - the first thing to probe (lightly) is, "what is making you pull away" and then listen.  Then it is about her.

1. Stay attractive, independent, marching forward with good life.

2. When she opens the door, make it about her and her needs, not yours. Listen to her, confirm that you understand, and say you want to think about it. Don't try to fix anything on the fly. Get help and get a plan.

Make sense?

WOW Skip . I can't tell you how much I appreciate that honest answer. It makes me see things different. I feel a big relief . I think I understood whats to do now. It takes Time and there is nothing I can do but just focus on myself. Thank you so much.

I hope sooner or later I can come back with a positive feedback.

[Skip]

I strongly encourage you to start working with members here on learning relationships skills (the tools). Take some prior problems you have had and explain how they played out and explore how you could have done it differently.

If you one or both of you don't go back with better skills, this will just be one in a series of breakups before it all ends.

Make sense. Do the work.

[Doughboy]

I hope sooner or later I can come back with a positive feedback.

How about just staying for a while? This is a good place to learn and to research. You will find a little something in everything that will apply to you or the situation. That is where the comfort level develops. That comfort level allows for a more balanced response if/when she engages.
I tried your way... .then I was a little less... .then a little less. She finally came back a 3rd time and I was so balanced and informed that even though she wasn't ready to get the help needed I was able to diffuse many situations before they started often just be being aware.
As G.I. Joe said... ."Knowing is half the battle!"

[once removed]

let me join the voices suggesting: dont just post in crisis. by that point, damage is usually already done, and there may be little to do to reverse it.

[Herman sky]

I hear you guys, and you are right. I definitively dig deep into the topic and look for further support in this thread. I also bought a book ( wenn lieben weh tut) by a german therapist, its only available in german so dont know if that rings a bell?

[Luan]

Some great advice being given here to Herman.

I have been through a similar splitting, and I cannot agree more with this... .

while the relationship is intense, look at the separation as an important break from that intensity. This is a time of slow and calm.

Think of someone at sensory overload going into a dark closet to regain their equilibrium and then to take a very slow and cautious reentry back out of the closet.

The important thing is not to keep stimulating her, but rather to leave the door open and let her come back slowly on her own.

Does that make sense.  The whole tempo has to change right now.  Slow. Easy. No demands.

I think of my partner as a mouse just putting her nose outside the mouse hole at the moment, whiskers twitching and sniffing for danger. Any sudden move and she will be straight back in the mouse hole. Any interaction should be as mostly friends would interact. She knows your feelings, you do not have to state them over and over again. If she wants you to, she will give you the cue by bringing up the subject. Even then, proceed with caution, this can be just to cut you off again if you are not careful.

All the best. Time is your friend, kindness is your friend, I enjoy this quote from the following article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

Structure  - A Necessary Relationship Dynamic
The borderline individual's chance at recovery from their desolate and chaotic state, unfortunately, only occurs in extraordinary circumstances. Recovery requires frequent contact with a person who can simultaneously demonstrate, with unwavering certainty, that they care very deeply for the borderline and that they will not tolerate interference with their own boundaries. Such a person must possess supreme confidence in their own personality. They must be able to manage every kind of attack or manipulation with kindness and understanding, and yet never give in. Giving in to the borderline's merger fantasy, or accepting their withdrawal, rage, or blame, results in the borderline believing they are in control. True recognition of the borderline's independence cannot thus occur and the borderline can never achieve a feeling that they are truly independent. In the end, only the recognition of their true self, given from a truly independent yet loving other, can permit the borderline to build within themselves the confidence they need to truly be independent. In the end, only the recognition that no one has control in relationships, and that everyone must control themselves, a recognition that is made possible only by becoming truly independent, can save the borderline from never-ending sorrow within relationships, and can finally make the borderline feel whole by themselves and capable of living full and integrated lives within relationships and among others.