Don't know what to do

[Tony13]

Hello.
I am new here. I got here becoause of a Randi Kreger's book abouot borderline, which I'm reading now.
My girlfriend has BPD, and recently I'm facing more and more doubts about our relationship. I know that i do love her, but I feel that this relationship is killing me.
Few days ago we were at our friends birthday and got few beers. I don't want to write about all what happend during that party, but long story short: we started arguing. One thing led to another and one of us mentioned breaking up. We were really upset and I said that I am going home and asked her if she want to go with me. She refusend and stayed with 2 other guys. I came back for her later, and found her totally drunk walking with one of them. Guy told me that she is going with him, and i should stay back. That's where i lost my nerves and hit him. I fekt like she would go with any random guy because she was angry at me. I managed to convince her to come back home with me. Next day we tried to talk about it and we decided to still be together. She promised not to drink any alcohol from now, because that's what triggers her borderline behavior. Anyway she can now live just like nothing happend. I still can see her walking totally drunk with that guy in my mind, still can hear her yelling at me that whole city would hear her and I'm just scared. Scared that maybe I should not coniunue this relationship, but simply I can't. I know that i love her, but but it's really hard for me. That situation wasnt's of course the only one, there were a lot of other, but less serious.
Also, I am a guy with not much of empathy, and when she for example want to hurt herself I don't feel sorry for her, but more like I'm annoyed that she can't control herself.
I'm sorry for my spelling mistakes and chaotic writing. I'm really emotional right now and just needed to tell somebody how I feel.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Tony13,



You argued at the party. One of you mentioned splitting up. You went back for her later and found her leaving with a guy. You hit him. The next day you and your girlfriend talked things over and decided to stay together. Is that correct?

You say that alcohol is what triggers her BPD behaviours. It may exacerbate some of them, especially those related to impulse control, but it is not going to be the only trigger. Everyone has triggers. For people with BPD, one of the most significant triggers is abandonment. If the two of you had brought up splitting up, it is very likely that it is this that triggered her behaviour, rather than the alcohol (although that would have furthered impaired her coping abilities). Which one of you mentioned splitting up?

Also, I am a guy with not much of empathy, and when she for example want to hurt herself I don't feel sorry for her, but more like I'm annoyed that she can't control herself.

That is likely to be a problem, as being in a BPD relationship requires a great deal of empathy. Skills in expressing empathy are fairly straightforward to learn, but, if feeling empathy doesn't come naturally to you, you may need to do some deeper work to develop this capacity (it's a very important life and relationship skill that you will benefit from developing whether you stay in this relationship or not).

There is an article on listening with empathy here, which has a guide to assess your level of empathy. It is recommended to ask someone else to answer for you, rather than answering yourself. Do you have anyone who could do this? It might help you figure out how much of an issue this is for you generally (not just in the relationship).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[Tony13]

Hi, thanks for quick reply. First of all it's pretty nice feeling to finally tell anyone about these things.
About breaking up - it was something like both of was saying it. Like "So maybe we should break up? -Yeah, sure, do it. -ok then". I was i very emotional at the time, but i think it was I that said the last word about breaking up. I know that i should not say that while being emotional, but I felt like it was too much for me. And i know that if at the time I would be more patient and try to solve the problem, probably nothing bad would happend.
About that article, my girlfriend is the closest person for me and she knows me best. I think if anyone could answear these questions for me, that would have to be her, but i don't know if it's recommended. I want to mention, that we are 100% honest with each oter, we talk about almost everything and konw each other really good. She is totally aware of her problems and tries to deal with them, so it's not like shes denying that she has a disorder. Also she pushed me to read abouot BPD and try to understand that. Before that i never knew that something like that even exists.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey Tony13,

Does it bother you the most that she acts like nothing happened, such as what happened with that guy and the yelling? From what I understand is it the lack of responsibility on her end to acknowledge your feelings that makes you question if you should be with her even though you love her?

It's great to hear that she doesn't deny that she has BPD and has awareness of her problems. I hear and seen many who have partners with BPD who have no idea and you can only imagine how difficult those relationships can be. It is often the willingness a person has to work on things that makes such a difference. 

What would you need to see from her, or what kind of changes, to feel more comfortable in the relationship?

[Tony13]

Now, as few days has passed I'm more calm about it. She promised not to drink any more and I hope she will stick to that. She also apologized for what happend.
About "What would you need to see from her, or what kind of changes, to feel more comfortable in the relationship?" - I think the key word is "see". She often says that she's sorry, that she will do something, but sometimes it's just words and nothing comes after that. I think that I need time to actually see the change in her behavior (such as not drinking).
I'm way more calm now, and it felt really good to talk with soomebody about all that. Maybe I didn't even need to hear any solutions and advices, but to tell somebody what I feel. Thanks for your replies and that you shoewd me that I can turn to somebody with my doubts and problems.

[Yellowpearl]

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling calmer and things are going better for you both. She seems she is taking some responsibility lets see what happens.  I agree, change is hard and there may be many set backs until we "see" the change and it can be frustrating. In such times, coming here gives us a sense of community. I am glad you are feeling supported here.