Overcoming cognitive dissonance to detach

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Would others agree that cognitive dissonance is one of the key aspects of struggling to let go and detach in many of these sorts of relationships?

on one hand wanting the person so much, wanting another chance, another opportunity vs. the reality of the relationship being unhealthy and the realization of BPD traits leading to that.  virtually battling thoughts of "If only i had one more chance" vs. being fully aware that another chance will likely change nothing, and result in the same outcome

the other conflict being: move on, it didn't work and there are many reasons why, most of them are not fixable, nor will it ever be rewarding and fulfilling except for brief moments vs. will the person they are with now be able to love them, receive their love and actually make it work and why couldnt i have been able to do that. 

any tips to soften these conflicting thoughts? will time lessen the intensity of them?

[Al Kaseltzer]

Would others agree that cognitive dissonance is one of the key aspects of struggling to let go and detach in many of these sorts of relationships?

on one hand wanting the person so much, wanting another chance, another opportunity vs. the reality of the relationship being unhealthy and the realization of BPD traits leading to that.  virtually battling thoughts of "If only i had one more chance" vs. being fully aware that another chance will likely change nothing, and result in the same outcome

the other conflict being: move on, it didn't work and there are many reasons why, most of them are not fixable, nor will it ever be rewarding and fulfilling except for brief moments vs. will the person they are with now be able to love them, receive their love and actually make it work and why couldnt i have been able to do that. 

any tips to soften these conflicting thoughts? will time lessen the intensity of them?

[Red5]

How is ‘cognitive dissonance’ treated... .cured?

It is like fear, fear is not a threat to us, fear is only an emotion... .a feeling.

This cognitive dissonance... .is the endless repeating of the ‘what if’ thoughts that are fueled by the feeling that we could have done something different... .and if given a second chance we could supposedly effect a different outcome... .

This is a foolish thought... .

The only way to emerge from the ‘fog’ of the round and round thought process of ‘what if, and if only’... .that is ‘cognitive dissonance’ is to educate educate educate !

Learn about this BPD phenomena... .and understand what it is, and what you are actually fighting in your own mind... .

I been listening to this score I found on YouTube a long time ago... .self soothing... .‘music therapy’... .

I’ll share 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k1EkAO56gX8

The endless turn and return of the tones in this score absolutely make me see the comparison with my own thought processes... .

What cures cognitive dissonance... .knowledge of the ‘why’,

I know... .I talk too much  ... .

Red5
 

[crushedagain]

I wish I had answers, but I have none. While the logical side of my brain tells me everything I need to know about why it didn't work, why it would never work, and why I should never entertain the thought of even communicating with her if she reached out (she won't), another part of me is completely consumed by wishing she would come back, apologize, tell me she loves me and blah, blah, blah. It's disturbing.

[Al Kaseltzer]

I wish I had answers, but I have none. While the logical side of my brain tells me everything I need to know about why it didn't work, why it would never work, and why I should never entertain the thought of even communicating with her if she reached out (she won't), another part of me is completely consumed by wishing she would come back, apologize, tell me she loves me and blah, blah, blah. It's disturbing.

how long/far removed are you from the end of the relationship out of curiosity?

[crushedagain]

how long/far removed are you from the end of the relationship out of curiosity?

About 14 months or so. Seems like a long time to still have feelings, but this one did a number on me.

[Red5]

So just imagine if you (we) knew nothing of this BPD phenomena... .

What would we be going through right now... .

I can only imagine... .I’ve been there, 1994 - 1995, first marraige... .she stepped out and abandoned me and the kids... .at the time I had zero idea or knowledge of disorders... .

I remember how utterly lost, afraid, and completely crushed I felt... .how could she do this, we had been married for ten years, we had three little children... .and she’s out f’ing some other guy... .

Yeah, and wow... .that almost killed me, .

So fast forward to right now... .wife #2 is now gone, eleven more years of my life invested... .but I’m nowhere near the level of anguish I was back in 1995... .or 2006 when wife #1 abandoned me and the kids for good.

Yeah it sucks... .I’m sitting here in my pajamas in a lawn chair in front of the fire place... .where leather couches... .chairs... .and love seats used to be... .the whole house is empty except for my Sons room, and the office... . bare floors... bare walls... .

But I’m actually quite relieved that she is finally gone... .

To quote ‘crushed’... .she really did a number on me... .

But you see... .’I got the enigma code book’ now... .

I can read the coded messages... .

I now know  “why”... .it’s NOT a mystery... .

I miss her, yes I do... .in some crazy room... .a padded cell in my mind someplace  ... .but she was pretty damned destructive... .and that’s what I’m used to... .I will need to work on that as I grieve the loss of this second marriage... .

I do feel the loss, but I’ve also become quite awakened... .

I’m freakin fifty two... and I’m still learning... .and it’s starting to get ‘expensive’... .

Will I ever learn... .why do I keep attracting this... .ending in disaster each time... .

Will there be another, can I say that she is gone for good, like the first one?

Well, it’s only been there weeks... .but this has been a three year decent... .after I first read about BPD.

It’s like I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out my ticket... .and it said White Star Line... .RMS Titanic... .I understand what this meant... .but we were already at sea... .so too late... .

I really don’t think I can do it with her anymore... .she is certainly NOT of any mind to seek therapy... .so there is no hope for us... .or this marriage... .as I cannot go back knowing what I know now... .

We are NC, and that’s how it will remain until a year passes and we can then divorce... .she said she was done!

And what she did was in inexcusable... .

This cycle has to stop... .the only thing I can do now is try to learn from all of this... .

Red5

[Cromwell]

Would others agree that cognitive dissonance is one of the key aspects of struggling to let go and detach in many of these sorts of relationships?

on one hand wanting the person so much, wanting another chance, another opportunity vs. the reality of the relationship being unhealthy and the realization of BPD traits leading to that.  virtually battling thoughts of "If only i had one more chance" vs. being fully aware that another chance will likely change nothing, and result in the same outcome

the other conflict being: move on, it didn't work and there are many reasons why, most of them are not fixable, nor will it ever be rewarding and fulfilling except for brief moments vs. will the person they are with now be able to love them, receive their love and actually make it work and why couldnt i have been able to do that. 

any tips to soften these conflicting thoughts? will time lessen the intensity of them?

the trick here is not soften anything - why try to adulterate or dilute what are genuine feelings.

its the equivalent of over salting an inherently bad meal to disguise the taste.

there is no escaping these thoughts they have been too long stored into memory, just listen to them but choose to let them flow for what they are. nothing more nothing less.

opportunity cost, Alka, those girls I forfeited for all of this... .BPD folly.

get a grip on this and its actually been a productive use of time, never again will emotional hurt be part of the lexicon.

you already did your part, opened up and reached out. what is round 2 going to be different or more of the same hoping for a different outcome.

Red5 has the right word here "cycle", round and around. A perpetual motion machine has been achieved after all.

ive not been on this board for over a year because there isnt anything better on tv.

Is this a "match" - is coming to this board a sign of it being a match. I dont know either of you but do yourself a favour and dont numb any of those feelings out. If you are after emotional intamicy then failure to be genuine to all of it, warts and all, is failure to be genuinely intimate.

there is no such a thing as cognitive dissonance in love, at least, not in my comprehension of it.

[Beneck]

the trick here is not soften anything - why try to adulterate or dilute what are genuine feelings.

Agreed 100%

You must experience your emotions as they are. Be brave and face the hurt. And it's going to be difficult, but very much worth it, at the end.

This is an opportunity for you (and all of us) to learn things about ourselves, as well as how to relate to others. I'm not saying that you must wallow in despair; rather, do all that you can to soften the pain without obscuring it. Live and coexist with it.

In the meantime, I think you'd do yourself a great favor by checking out the tools here. Have a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle and SET. Also check out (not available here in the site, I think) self-differentiation theory, by Bowen.

She comes back? Great. You have greater tools and a better awareness of the forces at play. She doesn't come back? You've still gained.

It's not easy at all, and the death of a relationship is the death of hopes, dreams and a future that will (most likely) never be. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve properly!

Stay strong! 

[Turkish]

Time is part of healing and helpful,  and is the one thing that marches on inexorably no matter what we do. 

I miss a lot about the r/s, said as I'm sitting here by myself for a week. Yet I realize that I'd be miserable if she were here because I was miserable.

[Red5]

Yet I realize that I'd be miserable if she were here because I was miserable.

#Me2!

Very important to allow the feelings to come on through, and to then “feel”’them.

If we don’t... .and we ‘push them down’, they will only show up as unclaimed baggage later on.

Christmas was always full of triggers... .uBPDw claimed she loved Christmas... .and as long as you (Red5) did as he was told, read her mind, and delivered the correct present... .gift... .Yuletide attitude... .I was allowed to ‘keep my head’... .

But one misstep, and I was in for a good flogging... .merry f’ing Christmas ; (

So this year... .she is gone, me and the boy went to Christmas Eve service, I made a crock pot of chili, my S28 came by after he got off work, and we are all going to breakfast at the neighbors... .to honor the brave chainsaw weilding men of the chainsaw militia who cleared the roads after Florence went through here back in September (me)... .then tomorrow afternoon my D26 and her bf, and also my S28, and me and the Jakester (S32 autistic) will get together around the Charlie Brown Christmas tree I scored at K-Mart 50% clearance ( the folks who work down there at our local K-Mart are the salt of the earth )... .and we will open presents... .and eat Dads “surprise chili’

Do I miss her... .yeah I do, and why is that... .even though I get triggered about every fifteen minutes around here as I pick up an object, or else see something here in this house... .: and I say to myself... .wow, I ‘remember’ when she flipped her lid... .and slipped her rail and flew onto a rage because of x-y-s-x... .yeah loaded with such great memories... .

Yeah... .I’m digging my Charlie Brown Christmas tree  !

“A Christmas Story” has started its twenty four loop  

“You’ll put your eye out Ralphie”... .“ Ho Ho Ho “  

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mrAwb9ptu9U

Yeah it’s looking pretty good... .my Charlie Brown Christmas tree, the two stray cats are digging it too ... .I hope it survives the night... .

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jiq_VvgEC1Y

... .and the long drone of a steam trains whistle coming from S32(autistics) bed room (YouTube)... .that used to really set her off ; (

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbzU-1oiCgk

Merry Christmas everybody !

Need to put another log on the fire... .

Yes... .very important to feel these feelings !

Live and learn !

Red5
    

[Turkish]

My last Christmas with her I got her a pink iPad cover. Ahe started going off on me,  but her SIL said, "what are you talking about? He got you an iPad!" She shut up. I even had out engraved with a loving note. But I forgot that she hated pink yet I was ordering it online at work during December pressure... .My bad. In her mind it proved that I didn't love her.  D6 loves pink. Not her mother's child. 

[Red5]

December pressure

Ah’ yes... .I do remember  

... .the stories I could tell, .let’s see, I’ve known her since 2007, so that’s eleven Christmas’s... .not counting this one as we are separated... .now twenty three daze plus fifteen daze, .

So out of eleven... .’I can count off the top of my gnarly old head... .probably five or six of the eleven were ruined, wrecked, blown up... .by her “ behaviors “... .ie’ a full blown BPD rage... .two of the six were during the dating (so called ideation) phase... .Jiminy Christmas !, talk about red flags... . 

... .the phrase “never in my life” is appropriate here... .

So I have to ask myself... .why in the world did I put up with it?

What was it about her that kept me around... .I’d like to figure that out... .yeah !

Our anniversary (eight years married)  is New Year’s Day  

Lol

I wonder if I’ll hear from her... .I doubt it.

Getting late here... .and I’m starting to get drunk  

Red5