Holiday Hell

[quietgirl]

Anyone else having Holiday Hell w/ the BPD family member?
I haven't posted in a while but needed to hear about everyone's family fun to feel better about mine.

I haven't spoken to my sister since early fall, but knew I would probably see her around the holiday.  She refused to come to Thanksgiving, but is coming to Christmas.
She's been recently sending me messages about how are parents are the route of all her problems.  And demanded that she would only come to Christmas if me and my brother would promise not to leave her alone with either of my parents.
We both have young kids, under 5, and I told her I can't promise this,  there will be a time when all of us are having to attend to our kids and not babysitting her.

She's done this behavior before.  The "Do this or you are against me"
Its just so exhausting.
And I am not looking forward to Christmas dinner.

How's everyone else fairing ?

[HappyChappy]

"Do this or you are against me"

That sounds frustrating. Your team or mine. My BPD mum has dissed my kids this year. Because they didn't write thank you letters (that she can brag about and show friends) she's not sent them anything this year. Last year, she just gave my daughter something cash so I got the same for my son and never told them.  My BPD very words were "If they don't send me a thank you card, what's the point of me getting them anything." . its called unconditional love mummy dearest ! Goodwill to all people. Bless them, bless them all.

[Harri]

Hi.  That is frustrating to be expected to take care of her when it is something she can do very well on her own. 

Has she said she will be at the dinner even though you made no promises?

What can you say to her if she does go and gets upset that you 'left her alone'?

[JNChell]

Hey there, quietgirl. You sound pretty charged up, and that’s understandable. The Holidays are a great time of year for disordered folks to show their  .  Number one, enjoy the food with your hubby and kids. Taste it and squeeze his leg. Keep it about yourself. The day is about you and your family. Taste the food.

Your sister is who she is. How have you dealt with her in the past? What works? What doesn’t? Take a simple approach, calm down and  taste the food. Ground yourself. Is your mom a good cook? Do you expect to be met with good food?

[BlackArmoire]

Hey there. 

I don't have any advice except to hang in there.  I'm going through something similar with my mother.  BPDs are addicted to drama and don't give a damn about other people's boundaries or lives. 

Here's to grounding ourselves.  A friend of mine got me some lovely tea.  What about you?  Any good food or drink?

[Horace]

Dear Holiday Hell,
Going through our own issues... .it’s never easy, and always harder around holidays.  
Even the most stable families come unglued this time of year, so why would we think it would be easy!

I’ve had a difficult evening... really challenging given its xmas eve... .I’ve had to let go again ... of the ideal that we can be ‘normal’.  

DD cries at everyone having fun, feels angry with anyone who shows signs of contentment, and feels hard done by other people’s happiness.  Tough at any time.  She is trying to make silly demands us, to control us, and all we can do is sit by and watch it spiral downward... .remember it is an illness that she can’t control, forgive her... .and start all over again tomorrow !

I think she’ll wreck xmas morning for my 10 year old... .fingers crossed!

You are not alone ... .stay sane, be strong!

[Marcie]

I hate those ultimatums and used to fall for them all the time. Thank

[itsmeSnap]

I'm having the best but weirdest christmas in a while.

Dad I think has BPD, divorcing from mom not in the most "constructive way".

We set up the most christmas-y house for him. Wrapped presents, made dinner.

Mom dropped by unexpectedly. He was actually happy.

Started opening presets, he had one for her, it was one he got from a work thing so it wasn't "for her" for her.

He went from telling her to open the present right into criticizing her for how she opened it. Then he brought another present, some silly thing we wrapped and used to prop under the tree (soda can box). She played along, he made snarky comments about it.

All night has been underhanded jabs, but it seems mom is determined not to take the bait.

I think pwBPD do it automatically, he seems happy to see her and still he'll poke quick sharp criticism at her. The night has been overall mild though, which I wasn't expecting.

Hopefully your night goes "well enough" for you aswell. 

[quietgirl]

So I was feeling really terrible about living in the negative.  Especially when I saw the moderators post about focusing on the positive. 

Turned out everything went ok, which is as good as we can expect.
I think I'm so traumatized but the series of horrible events that happened over the summer w/ my sister I forgot she can act civilized sometimes.

There was total drama until she showed up, then she was fine.

She's done stuff like this before, she likes to tell the rest of our family how we don't accept her, then share w/ the world how she is alone and has no where to go on the holidays.  Making us look like the bad guys.
I can't even imagine what the rest of our family thinks about us.  I just stopped caring.

Thank you all for sharing, hearing everyone's experiences is truly helpful.
Good times and bad time have happened, and will happen.
Its life

Happy Holidays to you all.

[mrscubbie]

So my 24 yr old BPD daughter was supposed to show up at a certain time, claimed she was outside and the door was locked so she coudn't get in. She could see us all in the living room and said she was knocking but we didn't hear her as we had music playing. So she left and then blamed me because I was supposed to know she was out there. She said she texted me to open the door but I was washing dishes and hadn't looked at my phone. I got blamed for that too. I think she just didn't really want to see anyone having fun and decided to leave.  Any other time she would have knocked loudly or called the house phone.  She recently got charged with a 2nd dui and is going to jail for 20 days and then 70 days house arrest.  She is literally coming unglued... She could have opted for 10 weekends instead of the 20 days and could have done those in a separate facility just for dui offenses that is not really jail but just a probation center.  But she wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.  So now I am dealing with meltdowns every other day.  She has to report Jan. 7th. and I am dreading every day leading up to that.  What is she refuses to go at the last minute?  I recently took a day off from work without pay to treat her to a nice day out because she complains that I spend time with her siblings but not her.  It's actually the opposite because she is so needy and demanding.  She ended up throwing a fit in my car because I wouldn't buy her an expensive coat and threw her phone and cracked my windshield.  She also got fired two months ago and hasn't been able to find another job. I have been paying her rent only because I can't have her living at home anymore.  And the rules are very strict on house arrest and since my two sons still live with me i can't subject them to that.  On top of that my husband died in June and O am struggling but I can't even grieve because of her.  I'm seeing a counselor but it's not much help.  She's just draining the life (and money) out of me.

[JNChell]

Hey, quietgirl. I believe in relativity, meaning that the good can’t exist without the bad. Comparisons. IMHO, I don’t think that you should beat yourself up for feeling negative. Feeling negative can motivate us to seek out the good.

We’re all at different places within this community. What we feel at any time differs. The focal point is that we all get it. We understand where each member is because we’ve been there.

I’m glad that you had a nice holiday. The anticipation sucked, but it turned out well.

Dealing with trauma is a big thing. Realizing and accepting the trauma is bigger. Are you ready to process it, or do you still need time to time to vent it?

[quietgirl]

mrscubbie
I am so sorry to hear this, the behavior sounds similar to my sister.
She finally got a job this fall and we are all terrified she will do something to jeopardize it.   My parents also are paying for her to live in a condo just be/c they can't bear to have her at home anymore.  She is 38 and was living at home the almost 3 years.  they wanted to give her one last chance to live her life but if she relapses we are all considering the option of committing her for a period of time.  She can barely function in society.  And whats frustrating is knowing she can, We've seen it. 

Can you ask your other children to help?  Are there other options? 
I know this sounds terrible but maybe being in jail will be good for her, to see what her life will be like if she continues this behavior.  Will she have access to medical professionals in there? 

JNChell - thank you for your comments.  We are all traumatized by the events in our family this past summer.  I want to move on but it is one of those things that will take time.  It is still fresh. 

[mrscubbie]

It just seems as though whenever one crisis is over another one is looming.  I get discouraged when I read that people still have this disorder even when they're older.  I always thought she would eventually grow out of it.  But it's really depressing to think I will have to be dealing with this the rest of my life.

[JNChell]

Hi again, quietgirl. Understood. Take as much time as you need. We’re open 24/7.