I need support- please

[Will2Power]

I have been no contact for almost a full year. I even managed to meet a new amazing partner who is healthy and safe. It is truly great. I am in love with him. It is a different love than the love I had for my expwBPD though.

Today, on Christmas, I randomly am thinking hardcore about my expwBPD. Both of his parents died when he was young, and of course, as the DSM would demonstrate, he still carries this trauma with him and it plays into his fear of abandonment. I keep crying every time I think about what he might be feeling today without Mom and Dad... .I haven't been able to tell a soul, because if I did tell friends, family, or my boyfriend, they would likely get angry at me for my feelings. That is why I am here writing. I need support very badly.

I find myself writing letters to my exBPD sometimes. Of course, I don't send them, but it helps me feel like I can update him and not hear any negativity back. I suppose it is sort of a narrative therapy thing I am attempting to do. It is as if the parts of me that miss him want to pretend like I can tell him about my happiness without judgment. I tell him about my new boyfriend in the letters, and how I recently got into a doctoral program and will be researching and writing dissertations on BPD... .I tell him how I wished that his illness could go away for Christmas. That it was all I wanted. I don't understand why I am doing this. I fantasize that his response is supportive and that he is happy for me. Maybe even a bit apologetic too. I really don't get what is happening in my mind. I wouldn't ever even want to be in a relationship with him romantically ever again, but I still feel some kind of platonic love for him. It is so odd and I cannot explain it. And, I find that I do this more often lately: I sometimes go back and watch videos of us at concerts when we both had smiles on our faces. For a moment, I smile at them. I think about all the happiness, and then I burst into tears recalling how things always went south. I feel like I am torturing myself but I can't help it. I feel like I am wallowing and intentionally triggering myself, but I still keep at it for whatever reason.

How can I possibly feel this way about a man who abused me physically, emotionally, sexually, threatened my life, etc. ? Why am I writing these pretend letters to him? Why in GODS NAME would I feel any empathy for him today? I need someone that understands to help me. I am feeling so odd and I have no one else to lean on. Please help and tell me everything will be OK. Sorry for sounding desperate. I am also alone on Christmas so maybe it is just a bit of feeling sorry for myself. Thanks to any kind words or support you may have for me. I have been in tears all day, and I guess I just need my support group here... .it seems that no one understands until it happens to them.

[Red5]

Hello Will2Power,

I too am “feeling” extremely lost, and the constant waves of ‘cognitive dissonance’ are bombarding me today.

I am recently separated from my own wife of almost eight years, our Anniversary is New Year’s Day.

The entire relationship is eleven years in length.

She moved out about three weeks ago, long story... .

Why in GODS NAME would I feel any empathy for him today? I need someone that understands to help me.

The reason we have these feelings is because we are empathic... .we feel love, compassion and commitment to our person who may be a boarderline... .even though they abused us... .

This is pretty tough I know, we were probably caretakers as well, we put them first, and tried our level best to make the now broken relationship work, even though it proved to be very detrimental to us.

Only time, and an “education” in this suspected disorder (BPD/npd?) eventually free us from our seemingly self inflicted emotional state... .

Now add Christmas... .

It is tough I know, .I’m in the midst myself.

Enjoy your new relationship... .and try your best to let your ex go... .writing these letters, which you will never send is a good start, I would suggest burning them after you write them, as the flames consume the letters, it does serve as a measure of release... .and cleansing.

Take care of yourself, and please know that you are certainly not alone on this path... .there are many others here with us, walking along tonight.

Keep posting, and Merry Christmas... .

Kind regards, Red5

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi will2power,

I have been separated from my uBPDh for just over a year. I went NC two months ago because it was evident to me that after losing his job, home, and family and spending nine months in jail (not the first time for any of these things BTW) he is still unwilling to get help and honestly face the issues he has, nor does he fully acknowledge or have interest in stopping the scope of abuse he disperses on me.

Yet I still have empathy for him. He is alone and broke on Christmas. He could not find a way to get to his mother's house. He doesn't know that I went to her house and took our S3 to see her. I hate that he missed seeing his family on Christmas. I hate that he has made it unsafe for us to communicate or have any contact.

My parents are not living anymore either, and I have no one else to spend Christmas with except my MIL. However, I feel guilty that I got to go and he didn't.

I believe this is because, as red said, I am an empathetic person. Also, somewhere along the line I internalized some kind of message that told me that other people are my responsibility, and that if I feel sad for them then I have to do something to make their pain better... .even if it places my emotional, mental and even physical safety at risk.

I never learned how to separate sadness over a situation from guilt that I couldn't change it. Perhaps you are stuck in kind of the same thing. Maybe you didn't get closure, or you have trouble accepting the situation as it stands because the outcome is not what you would have chosen. You wish your ex peace and happiness despite his mistreatment of you, probably because you are compassionate. You know that in all likelihood he has neither of those things and you wish you could change that for him.

I think those feelings are natural for someone who has compassion and empathy. I am sorry you feel that you would be judged or criticized if you were to share those feelings with friends or family. It probably gives you the message that these feelings are wrong or crazy. They are not, I assure you.

You will get through this. I agree with Red about maybe burning the letters after you write them. It does bring a kind of closure that you probably haven't gotten.

Merry Christmas and keep posting, we understand and are here to listen and support you.

Redeemed

[Tsultan]

Hi Will2Power,

I get that need to want to reach out to them and share updates and events that happened.  For me, it was a  connection because he could be a great listener.  That is one thing I miss the most.  He could even validate me when I needed it.  It's very sad that it couldn't work out with us.  It was just something I needed to learn to accept and boy let me tell you the distance between the head and heart can be the longest traveled path.  Today, I am at peace with the decision.  That could change next week or even tomorrow!  Grief is not a linear path.

Like you, one of my character assets is the ability to empathize.  In addition, my mother trained me really well to put my needs last and hers first from a when I was a little girl.  She was a rager and I would turn myself inside out trying to make her happy to keep the peace in the home.  I had to consciously work at remembering to consider me in situations.  It has become almost second nature but I have been working at it for some time now.

I grew up in a home affected by alcoholism and one of the effects of that is that I can confuse love with pity.  Another effect is feeling over responsible for others.  That one is something I ALWAYS have to check myself on because it is such a natural thing for me to do.  I'll jump in and take care of stuff and get her done.
I'm getting better at that.  Progress not perfection.

Christmas can be hard.  It's a day that has so many expectations tied to it.  To be with family.  But it's just another day.  There are 364 other days in the year. 

You did the right thing by asking for help.  That is a great way to take care of you. 

I hope this helps you.  You don't have to do it alone.

 
Tsultan





 

[Turkish]

It sounds like he experienced a lot of trauma which affected him badly and likely helped contribute to his disordered world view. I think it's natural to feel empathy,  even more so having been in an intimate relationship. 

It's also natural to feel conflict given his abusive behaviors towards you.  He is both of those people.  You are a person as well.  Can you grant yourself the grace you feel towards him? Toy are deserving of that grace.