My BPD ex-gf (psychotherapist) left me for someone else

[Vincenta]

hi TL,

Must have been very hard, I can relate very well with your experiences.

Seems that you already are quite analytical  and doing self searching too - that is very good, but on the other hand, sometimes the disorder is just what it is - a horrible disorder, disabling and sabotaging any  ‘normal’ relationships. The sufferers probably being even more miserable than ‘us’ ; they live in it every second, whereas we can at least choose, as difficult it might be.

Am actually ashamed to say that am still at the ‘ conflicted’ board myself, as the things and very bad turns are very recent ( to put it mildly). Have a look how horrible it might get ( see Vincenta on Conflicting).
Ps Btw I share your native language, but live as ex pat in mid- Europe (and other continents too)  for almost two decades now.

[Toughluck]

Hi Thouhluck,
I'm glad you've reached out to tell your story. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Your story sounds so familiar to most members including myself.
I  don't believe you could have saved your r/s at all.
BPD is a very complicated illness and almost all of them never change, they're also not capable to talk about the illness or explain what they do and why.

It is most likely that her new r/s will end liķe yours.

I  would like to ask you to look up a few things to understand what happened to you.
First look up for 'Traumatic bonding' and then 'inner child'.

As others pointed out time will help you to get over her.
You should appreciate that the two of you don't have a child together. In most BPD cases children will develop pd as well.

I  wish you the best for 2019 and that you might find a great and healthy new partner.

I Thank you for the bottom of my heart

[Toughluck]

hi TL,

Must have been very hard, I can relate very well with your experiences.

Seems that you already are quite analytical  and doing self searching too - that is very good, but on the other hand, sometimes the disorder is just what it is - a horrible disorder, disabling and sabotaging any  ‘normal’ relationships. The sufferers probably being even more miserable than ‘us’ ; they live in it every second, whereas we can at least choose, as difficult it might be.

Am actually ashamed to say that am still at the ‘ conflicted’ board myself, as the things and very bad turns are very recent ( to put it mildly). Have a look how horrible it might get ( see Vincenta on Conflicting).
Ps Btw I share your native language, but live as ex pat in mid- Europe (and other continents too)  for almost two decades now.

Hi Vincenta!
Yes I have spent over year to figure out this and same time I've been thinking that did I ever had a chance really? Every passing day I'm more convinced that there was no other possible path for me, with the knowledge of that time. I will check your post there, thank you.

Ps.yesterday in new years eve, I had a date in a bar. While I was in queue and stepping inside,there was 5 of my ex's best friends. It was a good therapy for me because they saw me with this stunning lady, Who was all over me

[MyBPD_friend]

Ps.yesterday in new years eve, I had a date in a bar. While I was in queue and stepping inside,there was 5 of my ex's best friends. It was a good therapy for me because they saw me with this stunning lady, Who was all over me

That's the way to go. Great.

[once removed]

Ps.yesterday in new years eve, I had a date in a bar. While I was in queue and stepping inside,there was 5 of my ex's best friends. It was a good therapy for me because they saw me with this stunning lady, Who was all over me

isnt this just the next move in a contest?

youve got a broken heart man. im sure it felt good, but it wont heal that.

[Toughluck]

isnt this just the next move in a contest?

youve got a broken heart man. im sure it felt good, but it wont heal that.

I agree! Comfort that I got, passed already. But on the other hand, if I would have been there alone, it would have been very sad. I think it is good that people see that I move on.

And no one else can't heal me. I notice now that I may have some mental locks, that were not there before my last relationship. I have some kind of wall around me and no one can't pass until I'm free from the sadness.

[Cromwell]

Hi again Toughluck

even if the new r/s falls part, could you really find any true comfort or delight in it in practice?

I mean, it can be ego bruising to wonder what is it about the 'replacement' that we can only speculate must have more to offer and when/if that new r/s crumbles - it can be taken if we want as validation that they werent, or that our ex had chosen wrong. But in the big long term picture - what does it really make any difference unless the hope is to then go backwards and rekindle the relationship if she reaches out.

we never know what is really going on, all else staying equal she could just as well be doing this in her mind to make you feel jealous. Its just another theory and example, to counteract that our own perceptions of what is going on do not align.

You mentioned she went on a route 66 road trip, coincidentally what you had previously said to her you had wished to have done. Maybe she got inspiration from you, after all, there is a million and more other places and things she could have done, but she chose that experience.

its ok to feel sadness, you really liked her and wanted it to work out but she has BPD and was always going to be a very challenging r/s to try and navigate - with a very troubled person as chosen partner. The post topic is about her leaving for someone else, id guard against magnifying my own perceived 'faults' in my mind to try and explain why the r/s went wrong, I did this at a time I never properly knew just how established fact it is of how serious BPD is, I really had next to no clue of why so much felt like it was constantly failing and blamed myself far too much as the problem for it. Remember, she said she is a manipulative person, id take that personally as her giving out a pre-warning of behaviour that you cant later on be surprised at receiving, my ex was good at doing this too.

stuff like "i wont ever have a proper relationship"

became code words for; dont complain now if I go on and cheat on you, do whatever, you got your pre-warning.

[Toughluck]

Hi again Toughluck

even if the new r/s falls part, could you really find any true comfort or delight in it in practice?

Hi!
I honestly think that if the current r/s breaks down, I'd  be delighted because I know the guy. As I said, I do wrestling and it is akward to see him at the competitions etc. If the r/s comes to an end, and a new begings... .I think that I don't care anymore also because time has passed. But you are right that, If I'd be over from her... .I would wish her luck.

mean, it can be ego bruising to wonder what is it about the 'replacement' that we can only speculate must have more to offer and when/if that new r/s crumbles - it can be taken if we want as validation that they werent, or that our ex had chosen wrong. But in the big long term picture - what does it really make any difference unless the hope is to then go backwards and rekindle the relationship if she reaches out.

You are right. It can be so that in my subconsious mind, I'd like to keep my options open. This can (and is) hurtful because I can't close the door.

we dont know what is really going on, all else staying equal she could just as well be doing this in her mind to make you feel jealous. Its just another theory and example, to counteract that our own perceptions of what is going on do not align.

You are right! I should not think what is happening because I don't know all the facts.

You mentioned she went on a route 66 road trip, coincidentally what you had previously said to her you had wished to have done. Maybe she got inspiration from you, after all, there is a million and more other places and things she could have done, but she chose that experience.

For this I disagree. All of her published photos were taken from the situations that I described to her. This was calculated... .or all of this is quite big coincident. The fact is that 3 months had Only passed in their r/s... she ain't that of a traveller.

its ok to feel sadness, you really liked her and wanted it to work out but she has BPD and was always going to be a very challenging r/s to try and navigate - with a very troubled person as chosen partner. The post topic is about her leaving for someone else, id guard against magnifying my own perceived 'faults' in my mind to try and explain why the r/s went wrong, I did this at a time I never properly knew just how established fact it is of how serious BPD is, I really had next to no clue of why so much felt like it was constantly failing and blamed myself far too much as the problem for it. Remember, she said she is a manipulative person, id take that personally as her giving out a pre-warning of behaviour that you cant later on be surprised at receiving, my ex was good at doing this too.

stuff like "i wont ever have a proper relationship"

became code words for; dont complain now if I go on and cheat on you, do whatever, you got your pre-warning.

Sounds familiar... .I have done self assesment after when my previous 10 year r/s ended (she did not have any mental illness) . I can use mirror ... .You are right I guess the reason why I even posted this was to get somekind of validation that there was nothing wrong with me... .Of course I could have done somethings better, I am not perfect... .But for me to understand and conclude that it is all about the illness, not because I'm a lesser person than the new guy

[Cromwell]

Hi Toughluck

Sorry about my grammar at trying to discuss the Route 66 situation, I meant to explain that I also do not see it as a coincidence I believe that she did it because she knew it was something you had suggested. The only thing im not sure about is if she did it to manipulate you, I think from what I have learned my own belief is that it is more likely the reason is that she lacks her own solid sense of stable personality which then extends to having interests, hobbies, they get absorbed from others.

I understand you would feel happier if the r/s falls apart, the best advice I can give is to let it run its natural course and not be drawn in. The problem I can imagine is that if you still have feelings of wanting to be with her and she gets back in contact, it becomes then a Triangle, which is designed for her benefit to keep the relationship(s) going. My ex did this, her true objective she was after was to have as many options as she could maintain - and as I broke each new triangle, the best that would ever happen is she would create a new one.

 It is a tricky situation to be in, think about if she did leave him and come back to you - what is there to suggest that she ever truly has left him, if she comes back to you there is seemingly no reason she wouldnt do the same. Its why its ok to be optimistic and maybe wait and see what happens, but at the same time to not get ones hope too high just because there seems another chance is offered and it can feel tempting when our emotions and feelings are still strong for the person.

[Toughluck]

Hi Toughluck

Sorry about my grammar at trying to discuss the Route 66 situation, I meant to explain that I also do not see it as a coincidence I believe that she did it because she knew it was something you had suggested. The only thing im not sure about is if she did it to manipulate you, I think from what I have learned my own belief is that it is more likely the reason is that she lacks her own solid sense of stable personality which then extends to having interests, hobbies, they get absorbed from others.

I understand you would feel happier if the r/s falls apart, the best advice I can give is to let it run its natural course and not be drawn in. The problem I can imagine is that if you still have feelings of wanting to be with her and she gets back in contact, it becomes then a Triangle, which is designed for her benefit to keep the relationship(s) going. My ex did this, her true objective she was after was to have as many options as she could maintain - and as I broke each new triangle, the best that would ever happen is she would create a new one.

 It is a tricky situation to be in, think about if she did leave him and come back to you - what is there to suggest that she ever truly has left him, if she comes back to you there is seemingly no reason she wouldnt do the same. Its why its ok to be optimistic and maybe wait and see what happens, but at the same time to not get ones hope too high just because there seems another chance is offered and it can feel tempting when our emotions and feelings are still strong for the person.

I agree with you 100%.

Thank you for the clarification. It is easy for me to say others that "run away" when you are being abused or mistreated. But it is hard to not to fall to that triangulation when you are living it yourself.

I can sense that you have learned quite much of your experience. Tough learning path though... .For me aswell

[Toughluck]

I had gramma errors few posts back...

I do not blame the illness completely. I could have done better, I know it. And I'm not accusing BPD people for all the break ups entirely, mine included.

But I just could not comphrehend why some one would hurt me while she says that I'm the most perfect guy there is... .I didn't know what causes it and I thought she is a crazy person... .That is where all went bad. With knowledge I had, I stood no chance. I'm just sad that someone else handles these mood swings better (with the persons who I loved)... .
 And I have to figure out also that was it really love (in the late period) or was it some kind of traumatization thing that I was sucked into... I have to learn more and investigate (via this Forum)  

[once removed]

But on the other hand, if I would have been there alone, it would have been very sad. I think it is good that people see that I move on.

there are worse things, for sure.

I notice now that I may have some mental locks, that were not there before my last relationship. I have some kind of wall around me and no one can't pass until I'm free from the sadness.

what sort of mental locks/walls?

[Toughluck]

what sort of mental locks/walls?

I can't let anyone close mentally. My overall feeling is quite sad and everyone around me senses it. I just say to them that I'm tired or something.

This girl that I have seen few times, there is nothing wrong with her... .Quite the opposite but I can't get relaxed near her, or anyone. I try to do things that you should do in order to move one but it does not feel right. It almost feels like I'm cheating... .Meanwhile my ex lives with another dude. I know, different thing and everyone needs their own time to get over it... .But it is now 1 year + 3 months. I can't just let my life slip away while I'm in this condition. Luckily I have therapy time next week and this girl leaves on a vacation next week so I get time to process things

Of course I have to be honest with her if my feeling does not go away soon. I do not want mess anyone up... And ofc I dont promise anything.

[Cromwell]

I can't let anyone close mentally. My overall feeling is quite sad and everyone around me senses it. I just say to them that I'm tired or something.

I was really surprised when I confided in a new friend that id been in a BPD relationship and how much it had effected me. Turns out he wasnt surprised at all - he knew someone who has it. Same goes for a girl I dated, she had shared an apartment with a girl who had BPD.

Suddenly I started to find a sense of, this wasnt like I had been been the most unluckiest guy who happened to be hit by an asteroid and that it was normal to feel the way I was. But whilst it may or may not be 'normal' to feel depressed, anxious after a relationship like this, one thing is - its not healthy - but if I wouldnt have declared why, how else would anyone be able to begin to understand stuff like.

"Cromwell, whats wrong, have I done something - you usually talk a lot but your not anymore"

If I was to say, "nothing, im just tired", but in reality, my mind is ruminating over the historic landscape of a now 1 year 2 months old battleground - its merging that past into the present, but no-one else can see it. This isnt helpful if the goal is to become emotionally intimate with another. The girl Ive started dating - she is an actress. We havent ever talked about my ex, ive not felt any need to, she will know because we met via hooked up by a new friend, and ive never felt the need to - yet, even if it would happen. I dont feel depressed with her, i dont think of my ex with her, thats not to say that when im apart that those last ruminations have evaporated - but im working on that.

I guess your post has helped me realise something about myself. Maybe there will come a point where i might feel depressed, and its because I am thinking of something to do with my ex. I guess its a choice - to talk openly and honestly about whats on my mind, so that she doesnt have to reach her own conclusions that maybe its something to do with her.

Well, she already knows about BPD, it is unlikely in my mind my friend will not have mentioned it to her. but it hasnt so far needed to be talked about. I guess it boils down to what I want - if it comes to the point of saying "im really happy with you but from time to time, i get a memory over my ex, she had BPD and it was difficult,  but it passes - dont worry about it, im fine"

If a girl would have any huge issue in that, then thats fine and her choice, but id rather go that option than to live the way I have been doing. afraid to express how i feel or feeling this false sense of shame that id apparently been "beat down" by an ex. Ive shared with this board, so I can share when it is even more important to - a relationship im emotionally interested in taking further. The alternative is to carry this burden secretly, and at the same time, keep what I call a "pseudo relationship" at a psychic level. Another week, month, who knows another year of not being together in person, but at the same time, not "detached" as oppossed to still "detaching".

This girl that I have seen few times, there is nothing wrong with her.

Toughluck, its early days, and during the first 3 months with my ex, I felt the same, until I found out otherwise. Actually, ive learned a lot more about what was "wrong" post-relationship.

right and wrong are subjective terms. The new girl im seeing, she "hates" the colour Green. It happens to be one of my favourite colours and at the moment, i cant make any sense of it. I thought to myself, I wonder whats going to happen when I wear this green t shirt to see her next time, ive also tried in vain to find something green in her apartment. Either this is going to stick in my mind as something wrong, or I could just enjoy it for what I suspect it is - she is an actress, drama is her forte - ive learned that if I hadnt have went through so much with my BPDx, I probably wouldnt have learned to appreciate it for myself. Just that, I learn that I can have it without it being emotionally wounding, I can enjoy it. I have no crystal ball to predict what might happen if I choose to wear one of my favourite green t-shirts, just the thought of it - is this walking on eggshells or is it exciting for me. My thoughts are, she said it as an off-hand comment, maybe just to keep rapport going. You know, what could be wrong with it to "hate" it. My ex talked like that, "loved me" "hated me"

What I didnt do - is simply ask her.

failing to open up is failing to become emotionally connected.  

in the meantime, at least ive learned that my BPDx didnt hold a monopoly over my ruminations like it felt she did. Granted, not every girl can make me feel that way and she did - until it shifted from the joy of wanting to know about a partners choice in the psychology of colours, towards learning that there was far more to discover beyond the trimmings and red herrings. Or is it green herrings, that distract from what mattered most to me. That i wouldnt be disrespected, cheated on, put down, stalked and controlled and have it toxicly packaged up as an emulation of what "love" should be. Toughluck, I had enough of the mind games, if thinking of this new girl instead of my ex constitutes 'cheating' than so be it - I enjoy it, it makes me happy. I have to forgive myself at some point for daring to be this utterly selfish. I should really be sitting and waiting for "the one", solemn and serious and faithful, like waiting for god to show up.

Toughluck cmon, can you help validate me here, life is too F short for all this... .allowing onself to be upset and hurt... .and it originated so long ago now - it must be time to draw the line... .

 right?

[Al Kaseltzer]

It is a tricky situation to be in, think about if she did leave him and come back to you - what is there to suggest that she ever truly has left him, if she comes back to you there is seemingly no reason she wouldnt do the same. Its why its ok to be optimistic and maybe wait and see what happens, but at the same time to not get ones hope too high just because there seems another chance is offered and it can feel tempting when our emotions and feelings are still strong for the person.

i dont know about you toughluck, but this for me is a big issue with wanting to re-connect with my ex.  this has essentially been one of the worst thoughts circling in my head for the last few days; at what point was there someone else, at what point was i already in a triangle, what happened in the periods of time i didnt see much of her and what happened that lead to the periods of time i did see a lot of her.  that stuff completely F's with my head, and it is definitely something we need to consider or use as caution if they come back. 

[MyBPD_friend]

Toughluck,
Thinking about what I did wrong was part of my process.
I know I made mistakes.

However I am very convinced that my r/s was nothing that could have lasted. My friend is very ill with BPD and Cluster B.

[Cromwell]

I was really surprised when I confided in a new friend that id been in a BPD relationship and how much it had effected me. Turns out he wasnt surprised at all - he knew someone who has it. Same goes for a girl I dated, she had shared an apartment with a girl who had BPD.

Suddenly I started to find a sense of, this wasnt like I had been been the most unluckiest guy who happened to be hit by an asteroid and that it was normal to feel the way I was. But whilst it may or may not be 'normal' to feel depressed, anxious after a relationship like this, one thing is - its not healthy - but if I wouldnt have declared why, how else would anyone be able to begin to understand stuff like.

"Cromwell, whats wrong, have I done something - you usually talk a lot but your not anymore"

If I was to say, "nothing, im just tired", but in reality, my mind is ruminating over the historic landscape of a now 1 year 2 months old battleground - its merging that past into the present, but no-one else can see it. This isnt helpful if the goal is to become emotionally intimate with another.

[Toughluck]

I was really surprised when I confided in a new friend that id been in a BPD relationship and how much it had effected me. Turns out he wasnt surprised at all - he knew someone who has it. Same goes for a girl I dated, she had shared an apartment with a girl who had BPD.

Suddenly I started to find a sense of, this wasnt like I had been been the most unluckiest guy who happened to be hit by an asteroid and that it was normal to feel the way I was. But whilst it may or may not be 'normal' to feel depressed, anxious after a relationship like this, one thing is - its not healthy - but if I wouldnt have declared why, how else would anyone be able to begin to understand stuff like.

"Cromwell, whats wrong, have I done something - you usually talk a lot but your not anymore"

If I was to say, "nothing, im just tired", but in reality, my mind is ruminating over the historic landscape of a now 1 year 2 months old battleground - its merging that past into the present, but no-one else can see it. This isnt helpful if the goal is to become emotionally intimate with another. The girl Ive started dating - she is an actress. We havent ever talked about my ex, ive not felt any need to, she will know because we met via hooked up by a new friend, and ive never felt the need to - yet, even if it would happen. I dont feel depressed with her, i dont think of my ex with her, thats not to say that when im apart that those last ruminations have evaporated - but im working on that.

I guess your post has helped me realise something about myself. Maybe there will come a point where i might feel depressed, and its because I am thinking of something to do with my ex. I guess its a choice - to talk openly and honestly about whats on my mind, so that she doesnt have to reach her own conclusions that maybe its something to do with her.

Well, she already knows about BPD, it is unlikely in my mind my friend will not have mentioned it to her. but it hasnt so far needed to be talked about. I guess it boils down to what I want - if it comes to the point of saying "im really happy with you but from time to time, i get a memory over my ex, she had BPD and it was difficult,  but it passes - dont worry about it, im fine"

If a girl would have any huge issue in that, then thats fine and her choice, but id rather go that option than to live the way I have been doing. afraid to express how i feel or feeling this false sense of shame that id apparently been "beat down" by an ex. Ive shared with this board, so I can share when it is even more important to - a relationship im emotionally interested in taking further. The alternative is to carry this burden secretly, and at the same time, keep what I call a "pseudo relationship" at a psychic level. Another week, month, who knows another year of not being together in person, but at the same time, not "detached" as oppossed to still "detaching".

This girl that I have seen few times, there is nothing wrong with her.

Toughluck, its early days, and during the first 3 months with my ex, I felt the same, until I found out otherwise. Actually, ive learned a lot more about what was "wrong" post-relationship.

right and wrong are subjective terms. The new girl im seeing, she "hates" the colour Green. It happens to be one of my favourite colours and at the moment, i cant make any sense of it. I thought to myself, I wonder whats going to happen when I wear this green t shirt to see her next time, ive also tried in vain to find something green in her apartment. Either this is going to stick in my mind as something wrong, or I could just enjoy it for what I suspect it is - she is an actress, drama is her forte - ive learned that if I hadnt have went through so much with my BPDx, I probably wouldnt have learned to appreciate it for myself. Just that, I learn that I can have it without it being emotionally wounding, I can enjoy it. I have no crystal ball to predict what might happen if I choose to wear one of my favourite green t-shirts, just the thought of it - is this walking on eggshells or is it exciting for me. My thoughts are, she said it as an off-hand comment, maybe just to keep rapport going. You know, what could be wrong with it to "hate" it. My ex talked like that, "loved me" "hated me"

What I didnt do - is simply ask her.

failing to open up is failing to become emotionally connected.  

in the meantime, at least ive learned that my BPDx didnt hold a monopoly over my ruminations like it felt she did. Granted, not every girl can make me feel that way and she did - until it shifted from the joy of wanting to know about a partners choice in the psychology of colours, towards learning that there was far more to discover beyond the trimmings and red herrings. Or is it green herrings, that distract from what mattered most to me. That i wouldnt be disrespected, cheated on, put down, stalked and controlled and have it toxicly packaged up as an emulation of what "love" should be. Toughluck, I had enough of the mind games, if thinking of this new girl instead of my ex constitutes 'cheating' than so be it - I enjoy it, it makes me happy. I have to forgive myself at some point for daring to be this utterly selfish. I should really be sitting and waiting for "the one", solemn and serious and faithful, like waiting for god to show up.

Toughluck cmon, can you help validate me here, life is too F short for all this... .allowing onself to be upset and hurt... .and it originated so long ago now - it must be time to draw the line... .

 right?

Thank you for opening your situation ...

Yes well, I told to the girl I'm seeing my short story. Concerning my latest BPD relationship, I opened it all. I just don't want to constantly talk about it, you know ... I have seen the girl 3 times now and we have had some great moments already. Ofc I don't really know how she's like before few months or years... .But I'm pretty sure that she is not BPD :D no love bombing which now feels like kinda mild. This is what is supposed to be, normal dating I mean. She has said that she is very interested to get to know me but nothing else. I have to see what happens ... .And I don't want to bring out my current BPD issues until she asks. Obviously I know that if I'm not feeling close to 100% comfortable pretty soon, then I have to break down this more or be alone a bit more time.

I agree that you should only think of yourself and your happiness only to a point where you decide to be a pair. If it gets serious and you let it, then everything must be thought through companion also... .but before that, it is just to get knowing each other and having fun meantime. If it gets weird before you have this serious talk, I would not waste my or other persons time... .

You are right! I should start to not a give *amn about my BPD ex. My friends are also tired of my stories about her :p... .Only a therapist listenes to me, and that is reasonable because I pay 70€/h :D... .This is part of my process. I already feel way better than few weeks ago when I've heard that they are moved together. And after I've finally accepted it... I think nothing can harm me anymore. These may be the Last hurdles that I come across with

[Toughluck]

I think honesty is the key. I just plan to talk about in smaller doses or in a situation where she doesn't feel that I'm not over her in anyway... .I carry this load for sometime but it is not far away that I don't anymore about my Last relationship

[Toughluck]

i dont know about you toughluck, but this for me is a big issue with wanting to re-connect with my ex.  this has essentially been one of the worst thoughts circling in my head for the last few days; at what point was there someone else, at what point was i already in a triangle, what happened in the periods of time i didnt see much of her and what happened that lead to the periods of time i did see a lot of her.  that stuff completely F's with my head, and it is definitely something we need to consider or use as caution if they come back. 

I know, I was/am there also. It really f's you up...
Although, I have never wanted to contact my BPD because what she did to me... .Was the worst thing you can possibly do. I would make myself a fool, if I'd do that...

But I have wanted her to contact me. It would feel good. I know it would, but would it make change my hurted feelings towards her, I do not think so.

To be realistic, I know that she does not love the new guy... .But the new guy is safe choice for her and maybe does not confront her like I did.

But do BPD's contact their ex's ever if they are in a relationship? In this case they so much common friends which strengthenes their r/s. Although, the network of friends does not help when the devaluation phase begings or now when their "leisure" life has begun together... .its not exciting anymore for them.

I think that something has to go wrong for them... .Before she will contact. And that is a big "if"... .

And do BPD's mostly go further away if their previous partner starts to date or do they try to contact so that they won't loose their other options?

My ex is wise and she can think these so that BPD symptoms won't be affective. When she is stressed she acts like a crazy and makes irrational and bizzare choices... .it all comes down to her psyche I guess

[Toughluck]

Toughluck,
Thinking about what I did wrong was part of my process.
I know I made mistakes.

However I am very convinced that my r/s was nothing that could have lasted. My friend is very ill with BPD and Cluster B.

Mine too... .And I think it is healthy. In my circumstances, I had no other outcome... .I believe so too.

[once removed]

I can't let anyone close mentally. My overall feeling is quite sad and everyone around me senses it. I just say to them that I'm tired or something.

two things might be going on.

the first is that you may be experiencing depression. over 70% of members here are. it can be hard, but its also good to lean on friends and family for support when/where/as youre able.

the second is that grieving is sort of synonymous with emotional unavailability, and in the context of grief, that is normal. when we are healing a broken heart, we guard it closely, and we are wounded easily.

lastly, as you do date, id encourage you to post about it on the Learning board (it is also a Dating board), where we learn and apply the lessons we want to take into new relationships.

[Toughluck]

two things might be going on.

the first is that you may be experiencing depression. over 70% of members here are. it can be hard, but its also good to lean on friends and family for support when/where/as youre able.

the second is that grieving is sort of synonymous with emotional unavailability, and in the context of grief, that is normal. when we are healing a broken heart, we guard it closely, and we are wounded easily.

lastly, as you do date, id encourage you to post about it on the Learning board (it is also a Dating board), where we learn and apply the lessons we want to take into new relationships.

Sounds legit!

I will post there after I've read (and learned) some posts from there . Thank you!

[Toughluck]

But do BPD's contact their ex's ever if they are in a relationship? In this case they so much common friends which strengthenes their r/s. Although, the network of friends does not help when the devaluation phase begings or now when their "leisure" life has begun together... .its not exciting anymore for them.

I think that something has to go wrong for them... .Before she will contact. And that is a big "if"... .

And do BPD's mostly go further away if their previous partner starts to date or do they try to contact so that they won't loose their other options?

I know that these are not the things that I should concentrate on but... .Do you have experiences or opinions on those matters
? Anyone?...

[once removed]

I know that these are not the things that I should concentrate on but... .Do you have experiences or opinions on those matters
? Anyone?...

theyre generalizations, Toughluck. BPD is a personality style with hundreds of combinations, ranging from mild to severe. its like asking the same questions about introverts or extroverts, or red heads.

i wouldnt say you shouldnt concentrate on them. id just encourage you to look deeper. you want some sign from her that you were important/significant and matter, right? and youd like to know she has some regrets?

[Toughluck]

theyre generalizations, Toughluck. BPD is a personality style with hundreds of combinations, ranging from mild to severe. its like asking the same questions about introverts or extroverts, or red heads.

i wouldnt say you shouldnt concentrate on them. id just encourage you to look deeper. you want some sign from her that you were important/significant and matter, right? and youd like to know she has some regrets?

She has a severe BPD. She changes her friends every 3 years because she chooses to abandon them (if they are not useful for her) or she gets abandoned. If I got a Phone call from a male friend she got jealous, and we had to start a fight. I have 1000 of those stories... her relationship have ended the same way than I had to face or she was abandoned because her partners could not take it anymore. This r/s different than others, the guy Does not have social network so she may not be jealous of anything towards her guy.

But! These mental explosion things happens when she is under stress. When she is uplifted, she think she can fly... .

Well anykind of reach from her part, would be nice. I know that she Does not apologize, never did. But I know that if she emails or sends a message, that can I return her fork that she left 2 years ago to my apartment... .I know that she wants something from me and wants to be in contact.

I mean... .Any contact would be nice, for my recovery. It would make me feel stronger I think. But, would it change anything, no it would not... Apart me being happier.

[Cromwell]

You are right! I should start to not a give *amn about my BPD ex. My friends are also tired of my stories about her :p... .Only a therapist listenes to me, and that is reasonable because I pay 70€/h :D... .This is part of my process. I already feel way better than few weeks ago when I've heard that they are moved together. And after I've finally accepted it... I think nothing can harm me anymore. These may be the Last hurdles that I come across with

Thats excellent, I noticed since you have been here a huge amount of positive words, it helps to have optimism and have the self belief, this was a very challenging and confusing time you have gone through. I also feel a lot better sharing what ive been through and learning from others the tips and tricks of how they manage, so thanks and keep going.

I think nothing can harm me anymore.

I found a lot of new confidence for future relationships, I notice it and others do as well. I could never have said this a year ago, I felt emotionally at the worst state ive ever been, but to anyone reading this, recognise it is temporary however hard that might be to imagine at the time. Life can knock us around, but life is also not one day.

Ive been single for a year, the longest, it taught me one important life lesson that I didnt need to find happiness by searching for it in others like I used to. Just this single thing has been the gift from the experience I value the most. Its why I also feel the same, that after overcoming the hurt of that level, it feels near impossible to be hurt again. At the same time im open to new love.

Can I ask TL, Do you feel in some way you have changed? I ask because I know I have, but part of it scared me. I thought the change would lead to losing the person I felt had a good heart and would be instead, locked down and guarded, but it hasnt happened that way. im really happy for you for how far you have come. 

[Toughluck]

Thats excellent, I noticed since you have been here a huge amount of positive words, it helps to have optimism and have the self belief, this was a very challenging and confusing time you have gone through. I also feel a lot better sharing what ive been through and learning from others the tips and tricks of how they manage, so thanks and keep going.

I think nothing can harm me anymore.

I found a lot of new confidence for future relationships, I notice it and others do as well. I could never have said this a year ago, I felt emotionally at the worst state ive ever been, but to anyone reading this, recognise it is temporary however hard that might be to imagine at the time. Life can knock us around, but life is also not one day.

Ive been single for a year, the longest, it taught me one important life lesson that I didnt need to find happiness by searching for it in others like I used to. Just this single thing has been the gift from the experience I value the most. Its why I also feel the same, that after overcoming the hurt of that level, it feels near impossible to be hurt again. At the same time im open to new love.

Can I ask TL, Do you feel in some way you have changed? I ask because I know I have, but part of it scared me. I thought the change would lead to losing the person I felt had a good heart and would be instead, locked down and guarded, but it hasnt happened that way. im really happy for you for how far you have come.  

I am better than few weeks ago but I'm not there yet ... .I just try to be positive and meanwhile process things.

I agree with you. I think that when you are happy with yourself, you can have more likely a good relationship. First you have to be alone happy to be happy with someone else... .
I think I would not like to date anyone at this current moment else but I'm a bit worried of my age because I want a family. I am not stupid, if it does not feel right... .I do not want to force it. I date now but maybe in a month I won't... .Or I build a serious relationship... .Who knows. It is all up to my feelings how they now build up. Let's see how it goes!

I think this is the main problem why BPD relationship fail. The persons with BPD can't be alone and they are after constant validation and caretaking to get their "glass" full. They are not happy with theirselfs so others has to make them happy. This is where I failed... .I was sincerery in love but my ex was Only after my secureness, which I could not give it to her... .Because my perception of what love means, battled with her actions.

I think that I'm more cautious and more aware what is happening in relationships. I have a small shield... .And I wait someone to break it :D. I think when the right person comes, it will happen. I'm not there yet. But ofc I'm 1000 times better condition than one year ago.

As I said in earlier post that this may be last hurdles that I have to across. It is a big hurdle to accept that they (my ex and the guy) are planning their rest of their lives together. When I truly accept it in my heart... .I'm fully healed and I can move on. But most of all, I'm many times wiser what comes down to relationships and what kind of person I should be in bad situations. And I'm also wiser now to avoid BPD (or abusive) r/s... .I do not want to let the r/s go too far if I notice that everything is not right... .

And I truly hope that somehow, someday my ex relationship would get a prober closure... .Meaning, she would say or reach out to me... That would close the book. It may not happen but that is my wish

[Cromwell]

It is a big hurdle to accept that they (my ex and the guy) are planning their rest of their lives together. When I truly accept it in my heart... .I'm fully healed and I can move on.

I think the other hurdle was about feeling like you would be cheating on her if you did the same?

What helped was that I didnt have her in my life at all when I went NC. I didnt know if she was in a r/s, so therefore, would never get updates if it would succeed or fail. I wasnt interested in this personally, but if I was, I wouldnt have known either way, didnt check her FB - out of sight out of mind in terms of new information. I recommend this rather than any latent wish that if you stay single and available waiting in the hope she returns. I say this from my own experience, I split up and went with other girls - at a concious level I wanted to detach, but at a subconcious level I was doing it for other reasons - i wanted to be with her - at the same time I wanted to show that just as she went elsewhere, I had the option to do the same. It worked, except, its almost as if I had her - but I didnt have what i wanted. I wanted a r/s where I didnt have to resort to this level of thinking and behaviour. It had cheapened its value to me.

So consider, in your situation - she would break up with him and you are available and get a phone call. Have you 'really' got what you wanted? It might seem like it on the surface, but... .?

And I truly hope that somehow, someday my ex relationship would get a prober closure... .Meaning, she would say or reach out to me... That would close the book. It may not happen but that is my wish

Proper closure is still possible regardless, there might be other ways to find solace. I didnt find proper emotional closure by ghosting her, but it had its advantages and I had moved from caring primarily about my own health that had suffered - before anything else. Closure took time so soul search that whatever has happened, has happened, nothing can change history, a form of radical acceptance. But acceptance too, that regardless of it all, there is a future ahead to consider - pining over what went well and what didnt was ok for a short while it was helpful to have space to get a more balanced, less emotional view. Let the usual predicable emotions like bitterness, anger, play out their expected roles in the post relationship grieving process.

Unlike my ex, I cant just go and cheat, or leave another and act like I didnt care a thing about the ex partner, or simply paint them black. I dont have those abilities or coping mechanisms. But when the dust has been swept up through time and hard work, there comes a point to leave it behind. Hoping it would just happen is just exactly that "hoping" as much as hoping for anything else in life. I guess one gift of being through all of this is becoming a bit more pro-active in feeling the need to actually go for the things I want and make them happen. Closure is part of it, a new relationship is important enough not to just leave to chance and the last thing I want is to be dating and still thinking about my ex because there is a latent hope that maybe the possibility id go back to her. Once that got properly sealed off it became far easier. Im indifferent today wether or not id hear from her again, get a "chance" to do another round or to know whether she finds success or failure in her new ventures. I guess I see it as none of my business, which in reality, it isnt.

[Toughluck]

I think the other hurdle was about feeling like you would be cheating on her if you did the same?

What helped was that I didnt have her in my life at all when I went NC. I didnt know if she was in a r/s, so therefore, would never get updates if it would succeed or fail. I wasnt interested in this personally, but if I was, I wouldnt have known either way, didnt check her FB - out of sight out of mind in terms of new information. I recommend this rather than any latent wish that if you stay single and available waiting in the hope she returns. I say this from my own experience, I split up and went with other girls - at a concious level I wanted to detach, but at a subconcious level I was doing it for other reasons - i wanted to be with her - at the same time I wanted to show that just as she went elsewhere, I had the option to do the same. It worked, except, its almost as if I had her - but I didnt have what i wanted. I wanted a r/s where I didnt have to resort to this level of thinking and behaviour. It had cheapened its value to me.

So consider, in your situation - she would break up with him and you are available and get a phone call. Have you 'really' got what you wanted? It might seem like it on the surface, but... .?
Proper closure is still possible regardless, there might be other ways to find solace. I didnt find proper emotional closure by ghosting her, but it had its advantages and I had moved from caring primarily about my own health that had suffered - before anything else. Closure took time so soul search that whatever has happened, has happened, nothing can change history, a form of radical acceptance. But acceptance too, that regardless of it all, there is a future ahead to consider - pining over what went well and what didnt was ok for a short while it was helpful to have space to get a more balanced, less emotional view. Let the usual predicable emotions like bitterness, anger, play out their expected roles in the post relationship grieving process.

Unlike my ex, I cant just go and cheat, or leave another and act like I didnt care a thing about the ex partner, or simply paint them black. I dont have those abilities or coping mechanisms. But when the dust has been swept up through time and hard work, there comes a point to leave it behind. Hoping it would just happen is just exactly that "hoping" as much as hoping for anything else in life. I guess one gift of being through all of this is becoming a bit more pro-active in feeling the need to actually go for the things I want and make them happen. Closure is part of it, a new relationship is important enough not to just leave to chance and the last thing I want is to be dating and still thinking about my ex because there is a latent hope that maybe the possibility id go back to her. Once that got properly sealed off it became far easier. Im indifferent today wether or not id hear from her again, get a "chance" to do another round or to know whether she finds success or failure in her new ventures. I guess I see it as none of my business, which in reality, it isnt.

If we gategorize it to one specific hurdle ... .I think it is the same. Meaning, I still at some level hope to believe her loving words and the atmosphere so that I think they are not really mentally together. So I should not either be with a anyone :D... .

I know, its a load bs . After I studied this BPD, I know that the same thing is happening now. And it was just a game. But I'm quite close to close the book, for real. Every passing day, even more. Some bad days will come, but the target is close.

I just remember the Last time we met (at a bar). Her emotions looked like inhuman, after what she put me through... .Like she did not understand what was happened. Same moment, I asked "is xxxxx (her new guy) over there sitting?" she answered, "I do not care"... I know now, that is Only mind games. She wanted keep all Doors open. And she didn't mention to the new guy that she had a relationship with me... She got upset because I informed the guy. She is not a reliable normal person, and the new guy will see it, if havent already.

I should have also go NC... .I Only did it half way... I stalked her through her fb. And she has not posted anything about the new guy there, my friends have told me. I used other ways to find out if they live together... .Nobody should not know that they are loving together, I only know. After I found out, I went fully NC... .After 1year :p... .Sad isnt it?

I'm with you also with the hoping thing. I'm also a DO'er. I do not only hope ever, I have plan and try to excecute it. But in this case, I will never contact her. Because I know, deep in my heart... She is not good for me. Besides, after what she did... It is not my business to contact or say I'm sorry. Actually when I heard it for the first time(that they had sex)... .After 4h I apogolized her and tried to win her back. What a pussy I was :D... .Never again. I have grown quite much.

And I think you are right about, do I really want the Phone call... .It Does not change anything and I cant forgive her. So what would be the point? ... .

But she won't contact me, unless the guy looses it and she is really irrational in that situation. And that is not the moment when I want to hear from her.

Ps. My face goes to her fb feed every day neverthless :D... .I play guitar and I do gigs so she sees that my friends are participating those events (most of my own friends are still her friends in fb, but not the other way around... I don't have any of her friends anymore). I didnt do gigs while I was with her (Last gig I did was 2007). She didnt want me to perform because she was jealous... She thought that I would have a agenda to *uck after gig is over . That is a one big Red flag there also