Why did she have to say she loves me at that moment?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So, Christmas has gone pretty well this year. I’m full of acceptance.
I accept that my uBPD son doesn’t want me in his life, I accept that he ignores my emails and I even accept that my mother will never discuss him with me or my H (despite her promising this time last year that she would let us know whenever he contacted her, as we told her we just needed to know that he is ok).

My son lives in a different country to me and I heard from my D that he is visiting UK over Christmas. She said he is seeing Grandma (my mother) Thursday and her Friday. My mother came to my home as usual Christmas Day, never said a word to me about my son but out of earshot of myself and H spoke to my D about it.
Today my mother came to us so that we could give her a lift with us to my other D. We all had a lovely day. During the journey back to my house I asked my mother what she is doing tomorrow (Thursday). She said that her grandson (not my son, even though he will be there, but my nephew) and his girlfriend are coming up from where they are currently living, but she doesn’t know what they will be doing. Lie. She already told my D on Christmas Day what they are doing. She then went on to say that she couldn’t tell me anymore as nobody tells her anything and that she knows nothing. So I changed the subject. When we got back to my house she got straight in her car to drive herself home, but not before giving me a hug and saying “Oh I love you”. Emphasis on the love, like when someone has made you really happy and you really mean it. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I can’t remember the last time she told me she loved me, certainly not this last year as she was upping her passive aggressive behaviour towards me until I distanced myself somewhat. I didn’t respond well. I just said “Ok”, to which she replied “I .do. Can’t remember what I said to that, maybe nothing, I checked her car over and changed the subject.

She got to me though. Why did she say that? Why then? I’ve been trying to process it. I don’t think it’s guilt. Every reason I come up with I dismiss because I feel like I am making excuses for her and I’ve done that way too much in the past, and not just her. Am I overreacting?

Thoughts anyone?

FB x

[Feeling Better]

So, Christmas has gone pretty well this year. I’m full of acceptance.
I accept that my uBPD son doesn’t want me in his life, I accept that he ignores my emails and I even accept that my mother will never discuss him with me or my H (despite her promising this time last year that she would let us know whenever he contacted her, as we told her we just needed to know that he is ok).

My son lives in a different country to me and I heard from my D that he is visiting UK over Christmas. She said he is seeing Grandma (my mother) Thursday and her Friday. My mother came to my home as usual Christmas Day, never said a word to me about my son but out of earshot of myself and H spoke to my D about it.
Today my mother came to us so that we could give her a lift with us to my other D. We all had a lovely day. During the journey back to my house I asked my mother what she is doing tomorrow (Thursday). She said that her grandson (not my son, even though he will be there, but my nephew) and his girlfriend are coming up from where they are currently living, but she doesn’t know what they will be doing. Lie. She already told my D on Christmas Day what they are doing. She then went on to say that she couldn’t tell me anymore as nobody tells her anything and that she knows nothing. So I changed the subject. When we got back to my house she got straight in her car to drive herself home, but not before giving me a hug and saying “Oh I love you”. Emphasis on the love, like when someone has made you really happy and you really mean it. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I can’t remember the last time she told me she loved me, certainly not this last year as she was upping her passive aggressive behaviour towards me until I distanced myself somewhat. I didn’t respond well. I just said “Ok”, to which she replied “I .do. Can’t remember what I said to that, maybe nothing, I checked her car over and changed the subject.

She got to me though. Why did she say that? Why then? I’ve been trying to process it. I don’t think it’s guilt. Every reason I come up with I dismiss because I feel like I am making excuses for her and I’ve done that way too much in the past, and not just her. Am I overreacting?

Thoughts anyone?

FB x

[HappyChappy]

A BPD has black and white thinking, so maybe she’s thinking now your son is out of the way, there’s more room to love her. So she said that to anchor you ? Thing is, we can read way too much into a single word, we kids of BPD tend to be hypervilliglent and read too much into stuff. But I must say, all the reasons I can think off, are good reasons. Along the lines of your mum just wants more of your time ? What do you think it is FB ?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FB, 

There is certainly opportunity to feel quite confused about those 3 words: "I love you." So much is underneath the surface, the wondering if she really meant it; perhaps feeling your inner little child stepping back in astonishment asking herself if her mom really does love her after all.

In life I've discovered that so many things influenced by BPD trickle over into many (if not most) other areas of my life. For example, my relationship with my DH has been greatly influenced by what I learned growing up with an uBPDm, so when DH says , "I love you," there are so many internal questions that pop up causing me to ask some of the same questions you are asking. I can relate to feeling confused.

Are you able to put a finger on what your inner feelings are? Tell me more of what you are telling yourself in your head.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

I rarely hear that from my BPD mom and on the few times I have, I also feel uncomfortable.

I don't think it is good to mind read, but it is hard to resist trying to interpret what she means. My best guess is that she like how she feels with me in the moment- maybe I have been useful to her.

I don't think my mother is capable of the love I call love- because she lacks self love and self insight. She's too mentally affected. However, I think she does "love" in her own way- in the moment. The next moment she might be overwhelmed with rage.

I also think she truly does want to be a loving mother. I don't think she has much control over her Mr Hyde aspects. She wants caring relationships as much as anyone else would.

So when she says "I love you" I assume she's doing the best she can with the abilities she has. On my part though, the nature of the relationship is such that, if she is feeling good about me in the moment, it can also change. I don't trust the consistency of it.

[Feeling Better]

HappyChappy
Thanks for your reply and suggestions. I wish I knew what goes through her mind, I did think it interesting that you mentioned trying to anchor me. It could be possible and I did wonder about it myself, especially since I have distanced myself somewhat, it was as if she wanted to pull me back in line. That would also tie in with your comment about her wanting more of my time, but to be honest, I don’t think that is the case. She is very strong minded and independent, I don’t think that I would be top of her list of people she would want to spend a lot of time with.

Wools
Thank you, your response has given me plenty to think about.

You are right about the confusion, I most certainly did feel confused. I couldn’t see how she could lie to me one minute and then say she loves me with such utter conviction the next, the two actions just don’t go together, not in my mind anyway.

Are you able to put a finger on what your inner feelings are? Tell me more of what you are telling yourself in your head.

When she said it I felt quite shocked, she took me completely by surprise. Whenever she has told me in the past that she loves me it’s felt more loving and I’ve always responded with “I love you too”. This time though I felt quite repulsed and insulted by it, it felt as if she was treating me like I’m an idiot. You know, like, I can do whatever I like to you, you won’t do anything about it as long as I back it up by telling you I love you.

She told me this time last year that she didn’t want to be involved in what was happening between my son and me, and I have wondered whether her idea of not being involved is to carry on regardless with my son but not tell me. Maybe she thinks that by not telling me anything about my son or when she’s been in contact with him constitutes “not being involved”. But then I think if I believe this, I am making excuses for her again.
Today I have been wondering whether she can separate things in her mind to avoid inner conflict. This would allow her to lie to me yet still be able to say she loves me because she wouldn’t connect the two together, and she would be free of any feelings of guilt. Not sure if that makes sense?

Notwendy
Thanks to you too, I like what you say about meaning it in the moment, and I can see how it could apply in my situation too. If she had forgotten about the lie by the time we got back and was thinking about what a lovely day she’d had, then I can see that with that in her mind it would feel ok for her to tell me she loved me. The trouble was, I was still stuck thinking about  the lie that she’d told me.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel uncomfortable on the rare occasion that your mom says she loves you. It does sound though like you have processed it well and are able to understand and accept her limitations.

FB x

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FB, 

As I was reading your post, I was reminded of how many times my T has said to me that I am not going to be able to understand DH, no matter how hard I try. Darn it, but I keep trying so that I can make things better. I'm not sure that is what you are doing, but I share that just in case it might be helpful. I have wasted so so much of my emotional energy trying to understand what is going on in his head, all to no avail. I don't think you will ever really know what your mom meant, and you may get different answers from her at different times if you were to ask her what she meant.

With that thought in mind, since we aren't going to figure her out, I think it's important to focus on you and what you were/are feeling. There was a response within you that is telling you some important things. One thing that I picked up from your post is that for once you didn't feel obligated to respond back with "I love you too." To me that is huge, thus allowing you to make a choice and to have time to think on it.

You also were able to pick up on the inconsistency from the past when she has gone off on you. It's another good observation. Do you feel as if you have to do something with her statement? I tend to feel obligated to respond but in the past months I also have been able to not automatically respond to DH's words with an "I love you too" because his words have come across as shallow and not having meaning to me when I see how he treats me much of the time. I'm in a healthier place of not denying how my body is responding. Now I'm standing up for myself to protect myself rather than people pleasing.  I have to be careful that the pendulum doesn't swing too far the other direction though.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

My mother lies- a lot. It's been a shock to know just how much she does it. As a child, you just assume your mother is telling the truth. As an adult, I have heard her lie so much that I don't know if what she tells me is true or not. She's very good at it, and sounds sincere. She has even said to me " I have never lied  to you" which I know is a lie.

She's elderly now and when she tells me something I think is important, I have to fact check it because I don't know what to believe.

I think one reason is that it gives her a sense of control. She enjoys manipulating people. It's obvious to me when she's putting on an act, but others can't tell. Sometimes she even fools me. I've seen her smile when she knows she has.

I think knowing that she lies makes it uncomfortable if she says she loves me. Maybe she means it in the moment, maybe she's lying, but I don't know.

[HappyChappy]

My mother lies- a lot. It's been a shock to know just how much she does it.

I was also shocked. My BPD is incredible good at lying. One of her techniques was to tell stories no one could evidence “you’d be too young to remember this, but... .” Only today my mum walked past 3 dogs without flinching, she’s apparently lost her life time fear and allergy to dogs. It was her reason for preventing my Dad's best friend from ever visiting as he couldn’t leave his dogs. My Dad died last year along with mum's need to be scared of dogs. Trouble is, unless you know about BPD, you just wouldn’t fathem their motive for lying.

Feeling Better,  I believe “love” for a BPD is different. My BPD actually once told me in a round about way, love was a great way of manipulating people. If my BPD feels secure in a relationship, she never says she loves anyone. But if she’s vacuuming you back in, liberal amounts of love. I have to admit, whenever my partners told me they love me, I would always wonder, and look for evidence of love. Talk is cheap.

[Feeling Better]

Wools

I don't think you will ever really know what your mom meant, and you may get different answers from her at different times if you were to ask her what she meant.

You are so right. I forgot to remind myself that her behaviour is hers to own and not for me to wonder why. I also agree that at different times I would probably get different answers if I was to ask her.

One thing that I picked up from your post is that for once you didn't feel obligated to respond back with "I love you too." To me that is huge, thus allowing you to make a choice and to have time to think on it.

That is right Wools, I have thought about it and I have decided that I do love her but I don't love her behaviour. She's not about to change anytime soon and I accept that.

Do you feel as if you have to do something with her statement?

NO. At least not anymore. I used to try and discuss things with her and she would always say that she was sorry. And she probably was, in the moment. It never stopped her dishing out her passive aggressive stuff again though.

Notwendy
I'm sorry your mother lies to you and it sometimes makes you feel uncomfortable, that's not nice at all. My mother is elderly too (90), and I'm not always sure whether I'm doing the right thing by factoring that in, she certainly gets away with a lot by people, not just me and family, making allowances for her because of her age.

HappyChappy
Thanks for sharing, I can definitely see why a pwBPD would use "love" as a means of control.

Like you I believe talk is cheap. Actions do speak more than any words can say

Thanks

FB x

[Charlie3236]

Wow this was a really great thread to read, and cleared up some confusion for me. I’m soo grateful for the wisdom that is on these boards!

I went through this with BPD lil Sis a few years ago, after a huge long rage session that pretty much destroyed any remnant of hope for our relationship, she then came back 6 months later telling me how much she “loves me.” And I couldn’t help but tell her that love doesn’t treat people the way she treats us, so I’d prefer she didn’t say that. She was pretty upset and of course didn’t respect my boundary (as usual), but I still consider it a win that I was able to stand up to her BS.

I’ve since learned (again, through these boards) that “medium chill” is the best way to avoid drama with her, so if she says she loves me now I just mumble that I love her back and let it go. She doesn’t know what Love is and she never will... .she's way too wrapped up in her own head to care about anyone else.

Like was stated by someone above (Wools I think), trying to understand the mind of a pwBPD is an impossible and fruitless task in frustration. They make no sense, are disordered and irrational, and they best we can do is just love from a distance.