Re: Hi... again, over a decade later... (Part 2)

[HistoryRepeated]

This thread is continued from a previous thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331886.0;all

Hi HistoryRepeated,

I can imagine you must feel very miserable when he stomps off and leaves you in a car you can't drive.

Can you use this time to do some of the things that he prevents you from doing when he's there? For example, can you pay your phone bill online? Most sites have an option to save debit/credit card details, so even if he took your cards with him (I don't know if he ever does that), all you would need to remember is the three digit ccv code from the back, and then you could pay your bill when he's not around.

It sounds as though you feel very controlled in his presence, so maybe see if you can see the times he stomps off as opportunities to get some things done? Even if you can't get out of the car, you have internet access, so you could tackle some of the things that can be done online while he's elsewhere.

I have a new physical sensation I've never felt. It is like my backbone is throbbing at the top of my spine.  He just tried lock us in a hot car with no air in direct sun. I got out and fought and cried a little bit. He eventually gave in but not without shoving me and saying things like, "this goes to show how low you are" whatever that means.  I usually can't enjoy the stomp off alone time because it is usually during a crisis when something is time sensitive.   As for paying bills, there is no money. I just earned $35.  It involved months of posting ads online and him refusing to allow meets. He finally allowed one today.  Then, he sold $125 of items for $35 and screamed at me that it was my fault.   I can do it myself next time.  Keep in mind his only job was to physically walk items to buyers and collect money. I needed 101 for phones.  Due tonight or disconnect. I didn't sleep last night trying to arrange sales. He sabotaged this one. Now, he's sabotaging the others by refusing to get stuff ready to go to the other meets.  When the phone is disconnected, I wont have any connection to the outside world or any way to earn money. I've only been without a phone 3 times in the 3 years he stopped working, it is the primary resource keeping me alive.  He controls everything unless I use a burst of energy to fight my way back into consideration like I did just now. I'm still in direct sunlight which causes me to get a painful blistering lupus rash but at least the cats and I have air conditioning.  He has the 35 from the sale. I'm too shattered to message others right now. I need to make 65 dollars not only with no cooperation but with him actually working against me. Thats been every day of the last 7 years. I can't possibly put into words everything he has intentionally done to destroy my life. Throwing away a 15 plus year 6 figure career just to hurt me is probably the most easily communicated example of his wrath.  It ranges from that to last night, throwing away my half of dinner I was going to eat when I felt less nauseated and pretending it was an accident.  Passive aggression,  outright aggression, obsessed with me and my attention and when he doesn't get it, flipping out in epic tantrums... .says he hates me and wants me to leave but does everything but chain me.to the chair to force me to stay.  So, I do use my time away from him to work normally but those are the times I ask him for items in 2 different parts of the store so it takes a while. The stomp off times are usually when I've asked to go to the bathroom for 15 hours and ready to have an accident and he leaves me abandoned forcing me to do so... .or deadlines for bill pay... .like when my storage units were evicted or this phone bill, tonight... . Keep in mine, to appease him, I bought him one phone at the beginning of nov on my plan. I took it back after abuse involving him taking my phone.  Theb, I bought him his own metro pcs line a week later.  That phone was shattered when he was trying to humiliate me in public talking about adult diapers and holding my door open after he had forced an accident and then drove me to a public place and demanded I get out wet and walk past people to go inside to a bathroom. I fought back to close my door and his phone fell in the process. So, I offered to buy a new screen and tried giving SIM cards. One of my phones, etc. Just to keep the peace. It didn't work. Here we are... .if I can get over myself and find out a way to elicit cooperation, I'll be back on the road to communication for at least a few more weeks. If I cant, well, I don't see how to come back from this aside from a secret inheritance in my future.  This man is a fault line. He has been rumbling for decades.  I ignored it and built my house there anyway because the bigger threat for me, at that time, was my mom.  She died and with no distractions on the horizon, I finally felt the magnitude of this dude's disruptions.  While I can't say that he will get any worse or bust loose any time soon, I can say with absolute certainty that my foundation is cracked.  All of the plaster is chipping off my walls. My roof is starting to slant.  He doesn't have to get worse for me to completely fall apart.  His normal level of insanity is too much for me now that I've been battling interpersonal natural disasters for almost 40 years.  I could keep riding this metaphor all day. Figurative living seems safer than actually existing in this world.  In short, this dude is straight up anti whatever I am in the moment most of the time. His position flips as quickly as necessary since he isn't grounded to even his reality but rather only wants to oppose me. I wish I was exaggerating. I wish these were symptoms I picked up from Mom.  Actually, I spent years telling myself this wasn't this bad and I was just being sensitive because of what happened with Mom. Yes, no, this dude's behavior is a nightmare. Ok, I feel stable enough to go battle a few more hours. I will be back to respond to the other post next time j start to crack. Thank you, again, for being my safe space.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Harri]

Hi there.  I am glad you feel safe here.  We can listen and support you as you figure your way through this.

You mentioned your mom and I remember you said you first found this board years ago and posted about her.  Do you want to talk about that some?  How did you get through things with her for example?

I can say with absolute certainty that my foundation is cracked.  All of the plaster is chipping off my walls. My roof is starting to slant.  He doesn't have to get worse for me to completely fall apart.  His normal level of insanity is too much for me now that I've been battling interpersonal natural disasters for almost 40 years. 

This is quite telling.  40 years is a long time and it is daunting and exhausting work.  We can help you build a more solid foundation though. 

Put him aside for a minute if you can and talk about what you want to change for you.  I don't mean getting away from him, as that is a given.  I mean in how you view yourself.   What can you say that you want to change and what do you like about yourself?

[HistoryRepeated]

I'm sorry to hear you are hearing "not today" from these places. I'm crossing fingers that something comes up real soon, keep trying, just don't let yourself get discouraged! Even though you are going through a lot, I can see your strength in your posts.  

Tech writing and copy writing seem interesting to me. I always was curious about similar positions myself at one point!

Oh, I sure hear you in how dysfunctional people can be. Very true. It's so nice we have a board like this that is so understanding and here to listen. We are glad to hear you!

Not sure this will help at all but what helps me when feeling anxious is thinking "one day at a time" or "this too shall pass" or a calming phrase that helps me through the day.

Not sure any of this helps as I know you are in a difficult situation but just wanted to say I know how much it sucks to be in a position when it seems there is no way out but there is hope in each new day and I hope you will find peace soon.

Thank you.  I appreciate the kind words.

That's awesome you find those writing styles interesting too. I know it isn't flashy but I really enjoy it the times I've created those types of publications previously for work projects.   

I will try more of this too shall pass repetition in my head. It got me through a few particularly awful moments with some of his more repetitive behaviors. I can kinda know what's coming and how many more hours it will last... .

Thank you again for the kind words.  At least I am awake for it this holiday. I remember feeling so confused the last 7 years. Why is he acting this way? Now, I know... .and I can accept it as not going to change on my watch.

I'm being clear in my boundaries and pointing out when he overstep.  My nephew - 15 years old - was texting me and I told the partner he would have to wait because I was choosing to give my attention to my nephew.  He continued to try to get attention. The third time, he just took my phone.  I pointed out that he is a 41 year old who is acting out toward a minor because he wants to talk to his aunt.  He just grumbled and made some demands. He eventually threw my phone back and it hit me in the face.  A grown man is so starved for attention he would step in front of a kid at christmas.  That's who this man is... .  I see it and I'm not closing my eyes again.

[HistoryRepeated]

Hi there.  I am glad you feel safe here.  We can listen and support you as you figure your way through this.

You mentioned your mom and I remember you said you first found this board years ago and posted about her.  Do you want to talk about that some?  How did you get through things with her for example?
 This is quite telling.  40 years is a long time and it is daunting and exhausting work.  We can help you build a more solid foundation though. 

Put him aside for a minute if you can and talk about what you want to change for you.  I don't mean getting away from him, as that is a given.  I mean in how you view yourself.   What can you say that you want to change and what do you like about yourself?

I don't know that I got through things with my mom. There was never a resolution. Things were difficult until she died. It is possible she died because of the dysfunctional dynamics of our family.  I set clear boundaries with Mom.  She knew how I felt. She always turned it around to how I would regret it when she died. She was right. I did.  There was no bigger mindfreak than the stream of people at her memorial telling me how wonderful and smart and beautiful and funny and kind and special she was in their lives.  Oh, you mean the woman who broke the bones in the top of my feet by digging her heels into them where tightly gripping my arms and staring into my eyes telling me how awful it was that I was alive on this planet? Yes, she was cool, I guess.  I mean, I loved her... .I do love her... .no contact wasn't for me.  She was maybe 50/50 abusive/kind.  She was all those things those people said and sometimes, I got to see it too. She was also my abuser so it let me with so much unresolved guilt.  So, yeah, there was really no healing. Running from that straight into this... .

I need to make a lot of changes.  I am physically unable to care for myself due to a combo of illness and neglect.  It became too difficult to fight him for proper nutrition so I eat foods that make me sick.  I've been diagnosed as malnourished the last few hospital admissions.  I am allergic to a lot including foods that are harder to avoid without lots of attention.  If I can be in control of my own diet, I think I will start to physically heal. I hope to exercise and regain enough mobility to return to work.

I need to work through a lot of complex psychological trauma and tried.  I've rarely known a life without abuse. I don't know how to integrate all of the damage into a healthy new me. My brain screams that I should just excise it and pretend none of it happened.  Move forward from wherever I end up and don't look back... .but that didn't work very well for me this last time.  I want to be able to grow from this bs... .Let it be the fertilizer for the rest of my life.  Sadly, I don't think that will be very long.  Both of my parents died at 60 and I've already led a super stressful existence to this point.

I like a lot about me. I think I am smart. I think I am kind. I think I am funny. I think I am creative. I think I am resilient.  I think I am compassionate.  I have a lot of self doubt and fear.  I have a ton of unmanageable anxiety.  In a perfect world, I would get 6 months to a year to just be alone and heal.  Only see others when I choose and not have to fight for survival every second of every day.  I honestly believe I could come out of that a different looking and thinking person. I believe that because I did it before... . that brief period where he was out of my life and my parents were out if my life, I made wonderful friends, had fulfilling relationships, I lost 100 lbs, I got my graduate degree, I functioned as a health human and really learned that was possible.  I got sucked back in a little after my nephew was born and all the way when my dad almost died and i moved home to care for my parents.

Here I am... .verge of tears in a del taco parking lot. People everywhere but feel like the loneliest person on the planet. Wish I could scream outloud how horrible this is but I know there's no one who would care. My sister is on the autism spectrum. Sentiment isn't her specialty. My nephew is too young and I would never burden him with this nonsense. I have only 3 cousins.  One had a massive stroke and is disabled, one is on the autism spectrum with less desire to hear from me than my sister, and the other believes I stayed in this abuse on purpose because I didn't want to leave... .and that it wasn't the health insurance or the lack of a shelter anywhere else that influenced the decision. Rather, she believes I am secretly still in love and afraid to be alone.  If only she knew that I have been alone every second I've spent with this man.  My family are lovely people. I adore them and I think they like me.  However, we all limbs of the same crooked tree. I don't feel strong right now.  I am overloaded.

[2020]

Hello HistoryRepeated,

I have read your story and felt compelled to write. I am a novice to understanding and advising about BPD, but I do feel your pain. I have a very abusive mentally unwell father myself. I have not spoken to him since my mother died five years ago. I too seem to have had abuse all my life. I think maybe I went looking for it in my partners.

I was turfed out onto the streets with my 12 year old son at the time in 2004. It wasn't fun. We slept in a vacant garage for a couple of months. We got water from a garden hose and peed outside at night. Somehow I kept my kids school uniforms washed in a bucket and kept him in school. I was lucky. A woman next door saw what was happening and told me about a house with a space underneath we could rent. I found out I could apply for a loan for the security deposit. Granted we were not in the dire situation you have found yourself in, but I do empathise.

I am thinking of a couple of things. Is reaching out to a family member beyond posibility? It sounds like you really need a break and some help, even for a couple of weeks or so. Sometimes we just need someone to pick us up and help us. You sound like a very resilient person! I am in awe at how you have got this far and maintained compassion and kindness. I lived in a tent with my son for six months. It wasn't so bad. It gave us our own space. We camped in a cow field and used a bathroom nearby. Is there someone who has a yard you could camp in? This may all sound like stupid options and I am sorry if it does. I just think you need someone to help you onto your feet. We all do from time to time. You sound like a good person to me, in a not so good situation. Your life experience will equip you with a great deal of compassion and empathy. In my eyes, humans such as yourself are precious.

I am thinking of you on this other side of the planet. I sincerely hope your fortunes change. You deserve so much better.

[Turkish]

When you say he 'physically prevents you'd from doing something, how does this not qualify for physical dv? You've said the shelters aren"t as willing to take you if the abuse is verbal and emotional.

HistoryRepeated,

Not letting you pay the phone bill borders on cutting you off from seeking help of needed.  It's not quite taking the phone grin you,  which would be a felony,  but it's close.  If he's preventing you from relieving yourself,  he's keeping you prisoner,  which is also a crime.  Speaking of that,  how is he preventing that?

As a support community, we can listen and offer validation,  but when you're cut off,  such as if the phone gets disconnected,  then you've lost the link to us.  Then you are left where you are.  

You've indicated that you aren't a priority to local shelters.  What have you told them?  Have you called a local DV hotline? They might be able to connect you with resources you aren't aware of.  

[HistoryRepeated]

HistoryRepeated,

Not letting you pay the phone bill borders on cutting you off from seeking help of needed.  It's not quite taking the phone grin you,  which would be a felony,  but it's close.  If he's preventing you from relieving yourself,  he's keeping you prisoner,  which is also a crime.  Speaking of that,  how is he preventing that?

As a support community, we can listen and offer validation,  but when you're cut off,  such as if the phone gets disconnected,  then you've lost the link to us.  Then you are left where you are.  

You've indicated that you aren't a priority to local shelters.  What have you told them?  Have you called a local DV hotline? They might be able to connect you with resources you aren't aware of.  

Will respond to other post later. He's only been awake 10 mins and it's already started.  Shelters know everything as do hospital administrators, sheriff deputies, police, and even animal control.  I only willingly told shelters.  However, during a scorching summer day, on one of his abandonment in a parking lot punishments, I got very sick.  I had been denied bathroom for a few days. I was overcome by heat outside the car. Hospital administrators found me in the parking lot.  I was taken in, put in a special room, promised the world from the er social worker, and discharged a few days later after being rehydrated.  I was given a walker to help me but he locked it in storage and I don't have access to it. My mobility distance is maybe 20 yards without a break.  My endurance is maybe 10 mins but sometimes less depending on symptoms. I can walk at normal pace or have every single step be excruciatingly painful and dizzying.  I am in a good space right now and am able to make it from parking to bathroom and even wait a little if someone is inside.  So, 2 hospitals knew all of this because I went into the first so very sick and dehydrated and malnourished and the second, they found me that way.  As for the shelters, I don't know that it's that I'm not a priority, I'm just not a fit for their programs. Some were for parents and kids. Some were for women with addiction history.  Most were unable to accommodate my ongoing, yet fully undiagnosed chronic health conditions. For example, some would only have top bunks or upstairs available or had chore requirements such as cleaning 2 levels of a home that I might not be able to do so I was referred to the next place.  I don't know if anyone else went through it but thankfully, they don't outright reject you but always offer you new places to call. So, I've now called them all within 3 counties. I've applied for special domestic violence victim assistance for my pets and even that rejected us.  My cats both have special needs and their vets didn't feel like they could provide the level of care needed to keep them in the program.  It is very triggering for me to hear the hopes. When I tried to get help for my sis and I, the school sent a social worker to the home and my parents acted normal and called me a liar.  The school told me I was making excuses.  We got no help and my sister ended up leaving home right after I left for college. She failed out of most of her classes. Started smoking and drinking.  I am finally not actively mad at the school after 2 decades but I'm still resentful and would tell them to their faces how narrow minded and shallow their assessment was compared to the depths of hell my family endured all those years.   So, after about 2 months of 8 hours a day trying to round up resources for me, I stopped and am back to just calling the 2 most appropriate shelters  (based on the fact that they keep telling me to call back after a few assessments) and started trying to dig out on my own.  I've also called the police multiple times.  We are in a high crime area.  Any given day, women are brutally assaulted by their partners.  I am not so I guess that is the reason I am not one of the emergency placements.  I agree with that assessmenr. Peeing in my seat, while degrading and awful, isn't the same level of risk as being shot or stabbed.  On top of that, we have the highest rate of homelessness in the nation.  So, all of those shelters are similar in that some serve specific groups and others aren't able to do any immediate placement. I have shelter in this car. Even though it isn't ideal, it is more than many people still on the street. I hooked us up with safe parking people and they reached out and offered to help pay fees and give us a safe space to be each night. He will not allow it.  He even deletes their emails when they try to reach out to me.  When I am not in crisis,  even my least likely plans have backup plans.  If I can secure some sort of remote income, I could get my own car and live in that for a while.  The trouble is there's so few hours a day where he isn't raging.  I used the time where he was sleeping today to post ads to sell things for cash. I'm using this stomp off time for self care in responding here and trying to read a few pages of the workbook.  I did get the phone bill paid but it was close. I had 103 and needed 101.  That only buys me a few more days bc that was a payment arrangement from last month.  He is just flipping out extra on top of his usual oppositional, indignant self bc it is Christmas as he has done every single year. It won't stop until Christmas day if it follows similar patterns.  It just sucks. I don't want to minimize it. I don't want to overstate it. I'm just exhausted.  I do have a plan to get one night free in a hotel thanks to cashing in some points.   When I feel a true crack in my core about to happen, I have a night of solitude I can cash in to recharge.  His behaviors are very juvenile. This is not war with an adult male who I think wants to kill me.  This is war with a petulant child who wants to get his way and might kill me on accident trying to win imaginary battles.  I do not fear him but I fear not being able to withstand more of his meltdowns and the torture involved.  More of his epically poor choices that leave us on even less stable ground.  For example, he abandoned me today in one of only 3 safe places to sleep. If security gets upset or lot owners complain, we've lost a place to sleep. He doesn't see that though, and only sees I can't reach a bathroom here and he will leave me until he feels I'm punished.  It makes me sad to think of what sort of extreme abuse he must have suffered to think this is appropriate behavior to any situation. 

I've rambled enough... .again, typing this out sort of mostly centers me.  Oh, someone asked about staying with family.  It isn't an option.  They re all entirely across the country. My sister doesn't have space. All cousins live together in an apt with a parent and a child and several pets.  I have several friends who superficially know my situation and have offered me everything from help flying back to my home state to a place to stay but going there leaves me without any health coverage. My medications would be several thousand per month.  There are also several expensive surgeries and diagnostic tests I've supposed to have already had but the partner won't allow. My goal is to find a place to stay here for 6 months to receive that medical treatment while also connecting with resources to help back home.  I would need to apply for several rx fee waivers and studf

[HistoryRepeated]

Oops. Hand spasm and hit send.  Also, there's the logistics of getting me there.  I don't think people would be too pleased if I wore my pee covered dress into their uber or onto their airplane.  After the last hospital visit, I bought into the narrative that I just wasn't being helped because I wasn't letting people help me. So, I dove all all in and submitted and humbled and basically begged.  In 2 weeks, I couldn't even round up a donated outfit to wear out of the hospital. The social worker brought me a medium t-shirt that I frankensteined together with another medium tshirt. I wore disposable paper pants that ripped in both directions before I made it down the hall. Ha.  I don't think I'm meant to be helped traditionally. I always have just the right help for me in my darkest moments. Like someone I haven't heard from will reach out with something sweet to say or I'll win a cheeseburger or something like that... .but some studd, the universe is just forcing me to do on my own and that's ok.  I no longer believe in not getting help bc I won't let people help... .I believe in getting all the help I need and I'm capable of figuring the rest out on my own. I have no resentment or I'll will - unlike with my high school - and I recognize I have skills and abilities that allow me to survive this where other people might need more help to make it to the other side.  I have no idea if I even answered the questions this time.  I'm so tired today.  I don't thinknhes going to let me do any meets so it was pointless to do the ads but I'm still glad I got them posted.  I hope everyone had a happy holiday week ahead! Thanks agaun for the safe space.

[Bnonymous]

How are things going, HistoryRepeated?