I am his trigger...(new here)

[Coldfish]

Our relationship is very extreme. He wanted me from the first moment he saw me. On day two of our relationship he asked me to be his gf. On day four he asked me to marry him. He tried to slow things down, he pulled back some and declared we were gonna be friends.

 We can never be friends, it is not possible. Friends do not drive past someones home multiple times to see where they are. Friends don't GPS track their friends Location. Friends do not freak if they do not answer a text right away. Friends don't get terrified of being left.

He says friends because he feels he will never lose me. Relationships fail but he feels friends are for life. I do understand where he is coming from. I would say this  friend facade llasted six weeks and then things changed. Now it's something else. He tells me I am his and he is mine. He asks me who owns me? He says that I own him. He tells me that I need to stay in my place and if I don't, silent treatment comes. He excludes me. It's almost like he doesn't want to share me. He will invite me over now when everyone is wrapping up for the evening. Everything is maybe now where it used to be yes.

I know reading this it sounds extreme well because it is. Around other people he is different. Around me I seem to draw out the hard part of him. He changes during sex. He is not himself during sex. It's like his personality changes. ECT.

At first I used to see this personality some times. Now I draw it out all the time. I brought up how during sex he changes and he was amazed. He was like, " really ? I am like that"? It was like he wasnt even aware. I can tell when he is different now.

I am sure I am not writing this well enough. I draw out his extreme side... It's almost as if he's a totally different man when I am around him. There is no grey with him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Coldfish, and

I would say this  friend facade llasted six weeks and then things changed. Now it's something else. He tells me I am his and he is mine.

do i have it right that after he proposed, he slowed things down and said he wanted to be friends? how would you describe the status right now? exclusive? what is it to you, what is it to him?

how long have the two of you been together?

[Coldfish]

He slowed it down because of things going on within his family. he had stress coming really hard at him from that area. He then started to pull back.

I get him. He says that I " get him ". He feels obligated to return home. He loves me. He cannot have both at this time. Home is not here. He has to go but he is not going to leave me. I will not make this hard for him. I just say ok. He gets very upset that that is all I say. What can I say? Blood is thicker than water. It has to be his choice.

I say we are in a bargaining stage. He is holding on very very tight. I move an inch and he notices. He is very very smart and extremely intelligent. I watch him watching me. He searches my face or body language for reassurance he needs. I keep my face blank.

He says friends. I said ok. He asked me what does ok mean? I told him to get out of my head and ok means ok. He got very upset.

He wants me to react. I have no reaction for him. I do have a ton of feelings but those are mine I feel right now to experience, not him. I think my lack of emotions confuse him.

So he is giving me nothing and I am giving him nothing and he's watching me and I am watching him and we'll no one's talking with words anyways.

It will be five months in January.

You have to understand that he is extreme. He has two sides to him. If he satisfies one side , the other will suffer and if he satisfies his dark side only, the good side will suffer. He has to learn how to satisfy both at the same time, good and bad to happy. This is very hard for someone who doesn't believe in grey. I told him this before he left for the holidays and he agreed with me. He says he has mastered this.

[once removed]

He feels obligated to return home.

where is home? as in, another state? another country? is family there?

[Coldfish]

They live in another state. The only reason he is still here is me. He told them about me but with his history and issues I don't think they thought it was gonna last. He goes through relationships and jobs like water. His last solution was spending six months here and then spending six months at home. His mom said that was fair. Now, five months later instead of being farther apart we are closer. He likes it here one minute and then next he hates it... .he bipolar are well. So I just listen to him swing back and forth depending on his mood. I just watch him being all animated about how I don't understand he is seconds away from leaving, raging.

My response: I understand.

See he can go from zero to 1000 real quick. When he's worked up if I get worked up as well then things will probably get very hairy.

So the more worked up he gets, the more meek I respond. It throws him off balance. He will stop and watch the tv and then look at me. Watch the tv and then look at me again. I just keep a blank stare at the tv. Then He will come by me and kiss me and look me in my eyes and ask me if I am gonna leave him now.  Then he will ask for makeup sex.

[once removed]

what would you describe as the primary sources of conflict in your relationship? in what ways are you his trigger?

[Coldfish]

The primary source of conflict would be him trying to dominate me. I am very strong willed and when we initially met it was so wonderful. He treated me like being on a pedestal. Then he declared we are friends. I do not do demotions. I told him no. I will not be his friend. This sets him off because he feels that this is what I will do until he is ready again to be in a relationship. Yeahhhhh right. How many people you know that got demoted ever got re promoted to the same job?. So then I size him up. I study and learn who and what I am dealing with because you insulting my intelligence. I will not be his friend and we cannot be friends.

 So what does he do? He invites me over in front of his friends and tells me to come inside. I do and without even turning around or acknowledging me he tells me to go to the bedroom he will be there shortly. Now, I will admit my blood pressure jumped probably in dangerous levels. I was livid.

If I speak my mind he will ignore me. He will block me. He will tell me I need to learn my place. This is no friendship. He said if I didn't like it there was the door. I left. I told him since we were friends that I could go to this Christmas party I had been invited too. I know I should not have said it and he would thinking about it with his abadonment issues. Well the next night he text me at 1230 to see if I wanted to come over. I said ok and half sleep I got out of my bed, wrapped myself in my blanket and went to his apartment. I tried the door and it was locked. I text him the door was locked. I called him and it went to voicemail. He never, NEVER came to the door. I had to go back home and get back in my bed. The next day I text him thinking he fell asleep. He never responded. He was due to leave town for holidays but sent me a text saying " hey". He just wanted to see if I had left him.

Why the intense domination? I have done nothing to deserve this.

When we first started seeing each other he had this hard part of his personally that only presented when we had sex. It's like that part of him, the hard part really really liked me. When we weren't having sex, in the beginning, he had another personality  that was more accommodating. I can tell when he is different and as the relationship progressed, this personality showed up more and more. Now this is all I get. It's almost like when he is with me,he is this whole other personality. It's like it over shadowed the guy I fell in love with initially. It's almost like I am dating another man. Sorry, hard to explain. Whatever he becomes when I am around likes me a hell of a lot. He changes.

[once removed]

so the two of you are kind of fighting over power, and the terms of the relationship, does that sound right?

When we weren't having sex, in the beginning, he had another personality  that was more accommodating. I can tell when he is different and as the relationship progressed, this personality showed up more and more. Now this is all I get. It's almost like when he is with me,he is this whole other personality. It's like it over shadowed the guy I fell in love with initially. It's almost like I am dating another man. 

how do you adapt to the changes?

[Coldfish]

I care nothing about power. I am often a loner and many times seek my own company. I honestly do not know what we are fighting over. He's a man, I am a woman who like each other so this should be extremely easy. It's not hard or draining it's something that I find hard to define.

When we are together he can be him without judgement. I offered him unconditional love. I have seen some of him but not all. He is scared and intrigued at the same time of being transparent. He is fascinated that I am not afraid. That I don't run in horror from his past. That I don't judge him. That when I look at him I see just a man. That I don't see him as some wounded, flawed thing.

 I think we struggle over feeling safe. His sense of himself is vastly different than what I see. If you asked him how he views himself it's Being worthless. He feels unlovable. And yet when he is around me , for the life of me I can't see anything but a hero.

This personality that he becomes with me is something new. The relationship has not been terribly long. I have no idea how to adapt. I am frustrated that he needs this from me. I don't think it's to be difficult but rather a culture, respect and safe thing for him. Often times he will put his head on mine and we will just close our eyes. He will ask me if I am mad, I will shake my head yes and he will just say he's sorry, he's sorry. I know that I will have to yield to him, but I have no idea about subjugation.

[Turkish]

If you asked him how he views himself it's Being worthless. He feels unlovable. 

This is the core feeling of a person who has traits of BPD. The push pull behaviors are a response to this internal conflict. 

You sound frustrated.  Where do you want to go with this relationship?  Do you feel safe?

[Bnonymous]

Hi Coldfish,

Can you tell us about his changes?

It is fairly common for relationships (even where BPD is not a factor) to change after the initial "honeymoon" period into a power/control struggle phase (which is short-lived in relationships that are strong on security, respect, negotiation, compromise, and compassion, but can go on indefinitely when any of these things are missing).

In relationships with pwBPD, the above issues are greatly magnified. The phrase "Jekyll and Hyde" comes up a lot in discussion of pwBPD, as the changes can seem much more dramatic and total. People with BPD have issues with attachment; on the one hand, they fear being abandoned, on the other hand, they fear being engulfed. Thus it's pretty common for high-functioning pwBPD to only display the traits of the condition when with the people they are closest to, as this closeness itself triggers a lot of issues, fears, and insecurities.

You say he changes during sex - how does he change? Is his sexual persona something that you are comfortable with?

Some people just are different in the bedroom. For some people, sex is a way of giving expression to some of the parts of them that are dormant or marginal in their everyday life (for instance, a person who is very meek, shy, and submissive in their day-to-day existence might enjoy taking a more dominant role in the bedroom, reveling in the simple fantasy of being someone else for a while). Some other people reveal themselves in the bedroom and behaviours/attitudes first seen there then start to surface in everyday life too.

It sounds like you think he's the latter type and that the persona he takes on during sex is starting to surface in other areas - is that correct? Is it something that concerns you? What is the persona like? Are you talking about things like power/dominance/control? Or is it something different, like is he uncharacteristically submissive or loving or vulnerable/open in bed?

[Coldfish]

When i first met him I asked if I could look into his eyes. I told him the eyes are the windows to our souls. That I could tell alot about him by looking into his eyes. This fascinated him so he let me. I remember taking his head in my hands and tilting his head back and staring deep into his eyes for what seemed like minutes. Afterwards I sat down and told him he was lonely. I told him he was really lonely. This bothered him and startled him. He said that "i don't like people looking into my eyes".
I have never seen such loneliness before.

When we are intimate he changes. His eyes change, the look in them. It's not role playing or an act it's something different. He is different. It's like I start off with say Jake and end up with luke. It's like he is a totally different man. His personality changes, his desire change, ECT. I can tell when he changes because of his eyes and his mannerisms. He gets mean. The way he talks changes.

To him there is only good and bad, no grey. Since I have known him he has had five jobs in five months. He starts off thinking the job is wonderful and then determines his bosses are bad people. They defraud, they cheat their customers, they use inferior products, they discriminate their employees etc. They become pieces of crap. And so there is no way he can work for such bad people. If anything happened to these people he would no lose any sleep trust me.

He considers me good. I am sweet. I and kind and he says I am innocent.

To him you are either good or bad. I do not think he believes a good man can do bad things or a bad man can do good things.

[Bnonymous]

He gets mean. The way he talks changes.

Can you give us some examples?

To him there is only good and bad, no grey. Since I have known him he has had five jobs in five months. He starts off thinking the job is wonderful and then determines his bosses are bad people. They defraud, they cheat their customers, they use inferior products, they discriminate their employees etc. They become pieces of crap. And so there is no way he can work for such bad people. If anything happened to these people he would no lose any sleep trust me.

He considers me good. I am sweet. I and kind and he says I am innocent.

To him you are either good or bad. I do not think he believes a good man can do bad things or a bad man can do good things.

This kind of black-and-white thinking is common with people with BPD. Frequent job changes are common too. PwBPD can swing rapidly from idealising people to devaluing them completely. It seems that this is happening with his bosses and he is "splitting" them black. We have an informative thread on splitting here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

A word of caution, if he has a tendency to "split" like this, then there is a fair chance that he will, at some point, do this with you too. At the moment, he views you as good - if he tends to have unrealistic views of people as either all good or all bad, as you say, then he probably sees you as all good. Of course, this kind of idealisation is unsustainable in the long term (as none of us are all good or all bad; we're just people). Be prepared that his view of you may swing round completely at some point in the future. If you learn about splitting now, then you will be prepared for this and less likely to take it personally and be hurt by it when/if it happens.

[Coldfish]

I think he has split me a few times. Sorry if I am saying it wrong. Right now he won't talk to me. He shut me out. He is mad at me because I have not learned my place with him. Until I do, he will give me the silent treatment. He does not like it when I speak back or go against what he says. Maybe this is not splitting but just apart of him. Some times it's hard to tell where one meets the other.

This man can be a saint. He will give you the clothes off his back, feed the poor, help the homeless fill out job applications, open up all he has to you. The other side of him I would not like to run into on battlefield. He is either very very good or extremely horrible.

By being mean it's like he enjoys pain and despair when he gets a certain way. Crying would excite... .it's like he gets off on the emotions.

You know how people can bond through emotions? People commonly speak of love. There are other emotions like pain, despair, etc. that people don't like to acknowledge because they are considered bad. These intense emotions can create strong bonds between people as well. When people have trouble with certain emotions like love, etc there are other ways they seek to bond with people.

[Insom]

Hi, Coldfish.    

It sounds like this is an intense relationship.  I can relate to feeling confused when the person who put you on a pedestal in the beginning starts to turn mean and dominating.

The relationship has not been terribly long. I have no idea how to adapt. I am frustrated that he needs this from me.

By adapting, do you mean learning to behave in a way so things go back the way they were before when you felt special/put on a pedestal?

[once removed]

I think he has split me a few times. Sorry if I am saying it wrong. Right now he won't talk to me. He shut me out. He is mad at me because I have not learned my place with him. Until I do, he will give me the silent treatment. He does not like it when I speak back or go against what he says.

what happened? what did you speak back against? what was said?

[Bnonymous]

I think he has split me a few times. Sorry if I am saying it wrong. Right now he won't talk to me. He shut me out. He is mad at me because I have not learned my place with him. Until I do, he will give me the silent treatment. He does not like it when I speak back or go against what he says.

Are these phrases that he uses "learned your place," "speak back," "go against what he says"? Or are they your words for how you interpret what's going on?

[Coldfish]

He says I need to learn my place. He has said it a few times so I know he means it. He had made some descions that I disagreed with. My mouth does get away from me sometimes, but I wasn't yelling at him or anything. I think he felt attacked in that instance. In other instances we were discussing the bible. He's Catholic and accused me of being a Baptist. We got into it over Adam and Eve.

.

[Coldfish]

I guess what I would like to know is do BPD relationships pretty much stay the same? I am not asking so much about the future future but the short term. Do they get physical? Is violence more prevalent vs a relationship without it?

It's hard for me to see him as mentally ill. I do not view him this way.

[once removed]

the more details/specifics you give, the more we can help.

He had made some descions that I disagreed with.
... .
I think he felt attacked in that instance.
... .
In other instances we were discussing the bible. He's Catholic and accused me of being a Baptist. We got into it over Adam and Eve.

what decisions did you disagree with? what did you say?

was it that, or the arguments over the bible that led to the two of you currently not speaking?

I guess what I would like to know is do BPD relationships pretty much stay the same?
... .
It's hard for me to see him as mentally ill. I do not view him this way.

it wont help to see him as simply mentally ill. it will help to know the ways in which he is limited in terms of relationship skills and coping skills.

if you think about it, we all have our limits. his will be a challenge. relationships stay the same if we approach them in the same way. our partners limits mean that we have to accept the role of emotional leader in our relationships, and steer them into healthier territory.

our article here on what it takes is a good place to start regarding your questions: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

what is it that led you to determine he has BPD?

[Coldfish]

He went to the store and brought back homeless people. You know how people run to the store and pick up cheese or cereal? Oh no. He comes back to his apartment with two homeless people. I was like what? It was two women, lesbians. Now I think he felt bad for them because it was rather cold outside and they had a tent. I get where his heart was. I mention lesbians because maybe he felt I wouldn't feel threatened because they liked each other. Anyways I had something to say about this. It was his place but wth.

Then he starts treating them like really well. I did not mind it but he began excuding me. Telling me to go to the bedroom. Telling me When he says to cook he means for me to cook. I was livid. He had never treated me like this before. How dare you. In front of these people. These people you found on the streets? Who has God knows what? I am not saying I am better then them but who the hell brings homeless people home and invites them into their home? Is he taking his pills? And so the conversation went really poorly the last few days.

He tells me I will learn my place. That I will learn my place. He even threatened to put a dog collar around my neck and make me stand in the corner. You and what army?

Then he tells me they are staying? I think to spite me. That he has decided that they can stay. I have my own place so you can take care of your project yourself. But leaving isn't an option. It's almost like he wants to make me submit to whatever it is he chooses.

I am not some wallflower. I am not a good victim. He cannot dominate me. It will not go well.

So the homeless people are like " are you guys fighting?" and so what if we are? They can take their tent and get out. But no he will take their side... .i will be looked at as the heartless cookie monster.

It's just crazy... .that is just an example

He has a diagnosis. Ptsd, bipolar, personalities, ADHD, tbi

[Bnonymous]

I did not mind it but he began excuding me. Telling me to go to the bedroom. Telling me When he says to cook he means for me to cook. I was livid. He had never treated me like this before. How dare you. In front of these people.

... .

He tells me I will learn my place. That I will learn my place. He even threatened to put a dog collar around my neck and make me stand in the corner. You and what army?

This is concerning, Coldfish. I am wondering if your earlier questions about whether BPD relationships are likely to turn physically violent reflect concerns that this relationship might turn physically violent? There do appear to be some red flags here. Additionally, intuition that physical violence might happen is actually a very strong indication that it might - is your intuition telling you this?

Even without physical violence, his behaviour sounds controlling and dominating to the point where it may constitute abuse in itself. We have a thread on DV here that might be worth checking out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

I would also recommend seeing if you can get hold of the book 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft - it's really informative and quite an eye-opener.

Trust your intuition here.

Also be careful about your safety. If he is abusive and your intuition is telling you that it might get physical, be cautious about how you handle it. Of course you do not want to allow him to treat you in the ways you have described, but be aware that your resistance could trigger an escalation in his behaviour and, if physical violence is going to occur, this could be when it happens (when he finds that other methods of control aren't working). Think about how you will ensure your safety if that happens.

[Coldfish]

Thank you. I will read the article and he is away now. He is giving me the silent treatment so the gap is providing space. I feel good. I have been going to the movies, doing beauty care, Netflix etc. Emotionally I am just fine. I do get frustrated sometimes but I don't stay frustrated. I do things to keep myself happy with life.

Yes he does seem determined to control me but I don't feel in danger of anything. He is actually quite protective of me. What's funny is his dog is a great protector as well.  I don't like dogs and of course he had to have a dog. The dog took to me instantly the first time I met him. When I get up he gets up. I go to the bathroom, the dogs waits for me outside. Anyways we were play tickling one time and the dog thought he was hurting me and went off. I screamed and he grabbed the dog who bit him. He was shocked. The dog protected me.  Another timex after sex, the dog came and stood over me with his tail stuck out as stiff as a board. He would not move from standing over me. He kept calling the dog but he didn't move one inch. He told me the dog was protecting me. What's funny is it's his dog.

I will read the articles you provided and educate myself.

Thanks

[Bnonymous]

He is giving me the silent treatment so the gap is providing space. I feel good. I have been going to the movies, doing beauty care, Netflix etc. Emotionally I am just fine. I do get frustrated sometimes but I don't stay frustrated. I do things to keep myself happy with life.

That is a brilliant attitude to take, Coldfish! 

I will read the articles you provided and educate myself.

How do you feel about things after reading the thread? Did you see anything you recognised there?

[Coldfish]

The articles and thread has proved, this far to be very enlightening. I do understand that there are red flags in this relationship. His entire diagnosis seems to be a red flag and I know that many many people would probably not even date someone like him. When I told some of my closest friends about him only one encouraged me to give him a try. Just one. Now, I don't have a ton of friends but he was ruled out long before he ever got a good chance to be himself. If I share things in our relationship it's always his bipolar, BPD, ECT that is to blame. They would not put up with it. They do not see him at all. When he, however,  was putting me on a pedestal everyone wanted him.

My intent is to see if I can live with the red flags. I mean this guy is never ever gonna be like a traditional relationship. Even if some godly amount of therapy cured him he would always walk a different path. What is normal anyways? Is normal defined by the majority of traits a group displays? I am not interested in normal but more so what is normal for us. I realise that there needs to be boundaries and lines drawn in the sand that both of us do not cross etc.

I will never shut him out. I promised that he would always be emotionally safe with me and I will keep my word. Besides the buck stops with me. He is a strong man but he is very tired. He is surrounded by death. I can see a change in him just by being in a relationship with me. Now our relationship is not one for the stars  but as crazy as we are it means the world to him. He tells people we have a Real relationship. He feels like he has something. Him, me and his dog so far and a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Gosh that sounds so sad, but he decorated his apartment with three ornaments on the tree and two Christmas hats. Oh let me not forget the homeless people. They are apparently in our family as well. Maybe I should get to know their names.

[Coldfish]

One thing I would like to say is I do not allow this relationship to define me. This man is not my husband. Even if he was I would not let this define me. What do I mean by that? Well when he shuts things off, say the silent treatment ECT. I shut it off too. I will not allow myself to be hurt emotionally while he checks out emotionally. I have a box in my brain that has two boxes. One is for him and one for another person. When things shut down I put everything in that box in the far corner of my mind. Do you know what is written on it? "To be continued ", is written on it.
When he sets it down, I set it down. When he picks it back up, then I go to the box, dust it off and take the stuff back off. My point is I will not be all stressed out, crying etc. While you off doing gosh knows what probably having the time of your life.
If my mind keeps going back to the incident because I am human then I concentrate on an image. My favorite is a rose, a strawberry or the beach. I concentrate very hard to see the image in my head crystal clear and recall the scent, the touch, the feel of it ECT. I have gotten really really good at it. Eveytime my mind wanders to him I will concentrate on that image until it does not anymore. This is something I learned to do in my last relationship.

The second thing I do is spoil myself rotten. Everyday I spoil myself. It could be going to a movie, or making myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, talking to an old friend, learning how to crochet, reading a new book, walking on the beach, collecting shells ECT. It could be something as simple as trying a new milkshake flavor. I am the most spoiled person that I know. Anything he does extra is icing on that cake. I do not have to wait on him to be happy.

The third thing I am gonna do is charge him. This is something new.  When he returns from home,  he is gonna pay me. If his therapist generates a paycheck then so shall I. Eveytime he does something that creates havoc or makes him rage or ECT., I am gonna have him put money in a jar. Now this money will be used for me and the dog to do whatever we want. I am sure the dog needs a break too. I should be very rich very fast. If by chance something is my fault, then I will place money in his jar. This is gonna be our Christmas present to each other this year because in his BPD rage he surely forgot to buy me one. No matter,   two pickle jars will be waiting for him when he returns.

 I feel like there needs to be a consequence for his actions. Since he knows I will not leave him and I will forgive him, if he is broke, then maybe he will think more about things. Also, when he sees how full his jar is maybe he will think about things. Trust me I do not take rain checks and money is payable upon demand. We can start off with quarters.

The biggest thing here I find is I can't stay mad at him. Sometimes I have to remind myself what he even did. Sometimes he is amazed that I forgive him so fast and have put things behind me. Sometimes I amaze myself.

As long as he doesnt cross some hard line in the sand and the things he does aren't repeatedly purposeful we are good. Most times I do understand where he is coming from.

[once removed]

The third thing I am gonna do is charge him. This is something new.  When he returns from home,  he is gonna pay me. If his therapist generates a paycheck then so shall I.

what if he says no?

[Coldfish]

 He is a man before his diagnosis. I am a woman. I can get him to agree. I find it's all in how you present something... .

He left to go home, mind you after he locked me out of his bed. He left to go home without telling me his flight details, nor flight return details. He didn't let me know when he arrived safe. Heck I don't even know if the plane arrived. The entire time this man has been gone not one peep, nothing. I sent a Merry Christmas text and nothing was returned.

 Who can't say Merry Christmas?

The same type of individual that leaves town without telling you flight details ECT. The same type of person that wakes you up 1230 in the morning and won't open the door that's who.  This behavior tells me that you are being mean and you want me to suffer.  Now mind you the entire time he's been gone I been going to the movies, shopping, eating out and going to the beach. That is my idea of suffering. I also find  that its not important so much as HOW I SUFFERED As so much as he THINKS I suffered.  Once every four days that he is gone  I send out a feeler text. This makes it look like I am thinking about him and then I go back to whatever it is I was doing.

Now the entire time he's gone he will be thinking about how things went down.

I know him.

He will think about how he treated me, how he wonders if I am even still around. So when he returns he will reach out to me and want to talk. I will begrudgingly say ok and go to him with some of HIS clothes on. He'll think I been sleeping in them the entire time he's been gone. He will apologize. I will keep my face fixed and emotionless and not have much to say. He will offer to cook me dinner... .I will tell him " yeah sure, whatever."

Later on that night he will have hopes of getting lucky. I will tell him yes I did miss him. We will be intimate... .i will make sure I have some cookies on the side of the bed ( the man loves cookies) at the opportune time I will start counting and when the time is right I will bring up the idea of the jars as an afterthought, just something I was thinking about, no big deal.

He will most likely agree.

[Bnonymous]

I also find  that its not important so much as HOW I SUFFERED As so much as he THINKS I suffered.

... .

He will think about how he treated me, how he wonders if I am even still around. So when he returns he will reach out to me and want to talk. I will begrudgingly say ok and go to him with some of HIS clothes on. He'll think I been sleeping in them the entire time he's been gone. He will apologize. I will keep my face fixed and emotionless and not have much to say. He will offer to cook me dinner... .I will tell him " yeah sure, whatever."

Are you saying that you plan to give him the impression that you have been more hurt by his actions than is actually the case? If so, I would advise against it. I think that smacks of game-playing and emotional blackmail, and thus it is likely to damage trust.

What is it that you would want to communicate by doing this? What is it that you hope to gain/achieve by making him think you were more hurt than you actually were?

[Coldfish]

He knows exactly what he is doing by employing the silent treatment. It's a vicious thing to do to someone that people employ to tear down a person. People use it because it is very very effective. As long as it bothers you they will continue to use it. I can see if it was some survival technique to help preserve their well-being but it is meant to tear down another human being into submission. It is calculated and cruel.

I have never been to war and I am not saying my relationship is a battlefield. We are actually very well paired in intellect, ECT and we both love each other. Since my partner is very very dualed natured and very extreme his " handling" of me reflects that. What I am saying is I am not gonna bring a knife to a gun fight.

In a normal healthy relationship I think we could have talked about things and came to a reasonable agreement. This, at this moment is not reasonable. He has taken that choice, to work it out,  from me because he has gone silent. I have no voice.

He is thousands of miles away and I am here. He has no idea if I can get up to go to work in the morning. If I am sick if I got in an accident. If I am even alive. if I have eaten for days or etc. The silent treatment says he doesn't care.

Luckily for me I understand what and who I am dealing with for the most part. Somethings I am still learning, but this part I have learned very well. If someone feels something is effective they will keep doing it over and over and over.

What I am saying is that eveytime he thinks he is making me suffer, I will be making myself happy. He can think what he wants. He is not dumb. He should be able to look at me and tell I am very well off emotionally.

When people have been run down, you can tell. When their spirit has been broken, you can tell. When someone is ok within themselves and happy you should Also be able to tell. That is what he will see when he comes home and wants to see me. Let him infer what he wants.

Now we do not lie to each other so if he asks me I will gladly tell him everything I did. Hey, I even forgive him and all is well in the world.