Standard lines my uBPDex used

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Just a short post to see if others have a similar experience. Ruminating on our relationship there are a few lines my ex used throughout our 4 months together, always black or white statements I had trouble relating to as I'm a fairly flexible person. They are like fail-safes that excuse her from any wrongdoing, like she was prepping for an exit if needed:

1. If I get chased, I run. (but I was in trouble if I did not return a call)

2. I never look back (but can go back to the ex?)

3. I just want to be loved forever (but when that is on offer, it is rejected)

After we broke up:

1. We had our chance (she never really gave us a chance)

2. The only reason I was given that we broke up, I had a 'drug history' (I had been open about recreational drug use in my teenage years)

3. Life is too short (so best to have a string of dysfunctional relationships, rather than build trust?)

Anyone else get the b&w statements regularly, like they were written in stone somewhere?

[Luan]

Just a short post to see if others have a similar experience. Ruminating on our relationship there are a few lines my ex used throughout our 4 months together, always black or white statements I had trouble relating to as I'm a fairly flexible person. They are like fail-safes that excuse her from any wrongdoing, like she was prepping for an exit if needed:

1. If I get chased, I run. (but I was in trouble if I did not return a call)

2. I never look back (but can go back to the ex?)

3. I just want to be loved forever (but when that is on offer, it is rejected)

After we broke up:

1. We had our chance (she never really gave us a chance)

2. The only reason I was given that we broke up, I had a 'drug history' (I had been open about recreational drug use in my teenage years)

3. Life is too short (so best to have a string of dysfunctional relationships, rather than build trust?)

Anyone else get the b&w statements regularly, like they were written in stone somewhere?

[Struggler123]

Just a short post to see if others have a similar experience. Ruminating on our relationship there are a few lines my ex used throughout our 4 months together, always black or white statements I had trouble relating to as I'm a fairly flexible person. They are like fail-safes that excuse her from any wrongdoing, like she was prepping for an exit if needed:

1. If I get chased, I run. (but I was in trouble if I did not return a call)

2. I never look back (but can go back to the ex?)

3. I just want to be loved forever (but when that is on offer, it is rejected)

After we broke up:

1. We had our chance (she never really gave us a chance)

2. The only reason I was given that we broke up, I had a 'drug history' (I had been open about recreational drug use in my teenage years)

3. Life is too short (so best to have a string of dysfunctional relationships, rather than build trust?)

Anyone else get the b&w statements regularly, like they were written in stone somewhere?

I’m sorry to hear everything you are going through as you knoe no two people with BPD will have the same dysfunctions. Similarities will definitely be there but thats due to the splitting mechanism. You see everything is a defense mechanism, some people like to supress their feelings others like to express them and some just cant seem to accept. The average person will have unbearable thought but will eventually push it aside. Whereas someone with BPD, will cope in different ways impulsive decisions, shopping, anything to get rid of the shame. We can discuss how the things they say and the actions dont match, but thats part of the disorder. I’d like to ask you, what are you looking forward to now, are you looking for answers on why your ex was the way she was or how you can heal. Because the first step to anything is acceptance that change is needed. Good luck, keep reading.

P.S.
Number 1&2 are classics.

[Coastered]

My lines I got... .

"You'll not find anyone who treats you better"
"You'll not find anyone better"
"You've lost the best thing to happen to you"

[Luan]

I’d like to ask you, what are you looking forward to now, are you looking for answers on why your ex was the way she was or how you can heal. Because the first step to anything is acceptance that change is needed.
P.S.
Number 1&2 are classics.

Struggler 123
I think I'm just looking to understand how her mind works. When she would say these things, they were like a mantra that could not be questioned. They are a convenient excuse for her behaviour, but they are not even beliefs that she follows herself. It is as if, in any slightly emotional conversation, she put up barriers from the start. I'd also like to know what strategies can be used to counter such barriers, without creating a circular argument. For example, if I began to reach out and she didn't want me to, she would say, 'If I'm chased, I run', leaving me with no options for discussion.

My lines I got... .

"You'll not find anyone who treats you better"
"You'll not find anyone better"
"You've lost the best thing to happen to you"

These sound like similar blocking tactics Coastered, damned if you agree, damned if you don't. Classic. I just don't give ultimatums like this to people in a relationship - during the relationship I used to let them slide, but during breakup I found them very frustrating.

[Struggler123]

Struggler 123
I think I'm just looking to understand how her mind works. When she would say these things, they were like a mantra that could not be questioned. They are a convenient excuse for her behaviour, but they are not even beliefs that she follows herself. It is as if, in any slightly emotional conversation, she put up barriers from the start. I'd also like to know what strategies can be used to counter such barriers, without creating a circular argument. For example, if I began to reach out and she didn't want me to, she would say, 'If I'm chased, I run', leaving me with no options for discussion.

These sound like similar blocking tactics Coastered, damned if you agree, damned if you don't. Classic. I just don't give ultimatums like this to people in a relationship - during the relationship I used to let them slide, but during breakup I found them very frustrating.

Thats exactly what is so frustrating. The way your ex behaves is due to the disorder its coping mechanisms. It has nothing to do with you and all that has to do with it isn’t dependent on you. I’ve read through all the techniques, validation etc. Theres one thing that isnt described in there, and that is that you can never know fully whats going on in the mind of someone with BPD. A normal thought may sound normal to you but the end of the world to them. The problem is that they have such a difficult time accepting that someone can love them, because at times even they don’t love themselves. Thats where the issues arrise, the only way I feel like she would remotely speak about her issues is through therapy but, everyone wants a shortcut and unfortunately the human mind is so complex even the longest route can lead to nowhere. In my opinion, I think you should focus on communication, not just in terms with your ex but, yourself as a whole. There are a lot of times where you have to realize that you are speaking to someone emotionally stunted and as such you have to find the triggers. As hard as this is gonna be to say, unless your ex finds the help she needs on her own. There’s not much you will be able to do. Have you ever tried to hold on to sand? It slips between your fingers. Thats how it is for a BPD with their feelings. I think that, before we can help anyone else we should first try to figure out what made us attracted to this person in the first place and then work our way up, because if we’re in the right state of mind, only then can we figure out someone elses. I hope things work out better, but just remember that her mind has nothing to do with your mind. The same way that she may not open up to you, but if and when she does you’ll be better equipped to handle the situation. Take care.

[Cromwell]

My lines I got... .

"You'll not find anyone who treats you better"
"You'll not find anyone better"
"You've lost the best thing to happen to you"

not sure about you but, If that was the best, jesus i shudder to think what the worst looks like!

these self inflated, rooted in insecurity, self aggraindising ego boasting seems narcissistic in nature.

[Tsultan]

This was kind of a funny one that he used  to me: “I’m a catch” (that is if you can catch him) I think he was trying to convince himself more than me. I can laugh about this one now thank God! 

I heard this one a lot:

“We need to let go of each” then when I asked him if he was breaking up with me he would say “I didn’t say I was breaking up with you” :/  Crazy making stuff.  Glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

[Al Kaseltzer]

Mine were always much more in the realm of "you can do better than me". Which always screwed with my head, at the time it was said and looking back on it now.

[Coastered]

not sure about you but, If that was the best, jesus i shudder to think what the worst looks like!

these self inflated, rooted in insecurity, self aggraindising ego boasting seems narcissistic in nature.

Yet she accused me of being a malignant narcissist.   I know, go figure...

Ten discards from her and I was the sucker who kept going back for another round.  All I feel now is great sorrow for what once was (the early stage).  Thats the woman I miss but I know that woman was a lie.  Its a pain only people like us here know.  In a way its a good thing she blocked me everywhere as I would be/am to weak to not try and be friendly.  Still, nearly three months in with no contact at all, it is still early days.

The way I see it, we were given what we wanted all our lives only to find out it was not real, like awaking from a perfect dream only to find out it never really was.  She moved on rapidly with another person like I was nothing, I still reminisce.

Thats pain quantified.

[Mindfried]

The narcassiscist line hits home with me. I could go from being her entire world, so thankful for me, can't imagine life without me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you in one sentence then being called a narcassist and the worst person in the world in the next followed by I am done or good bye. Always amazed me how in one sentence I could be an amazing person to one that is so evil. In my entire life I have never been described as a narcassist. It has been 6 months since the break up which was done via text and I was immediately blocked. Last contact was by her maybe late September early October. Relationship was 4 years of constant break-ups and make-ups. Constant conflict. After all of that and knowing she is a bottomless pit that no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough. I still think about her everyday and continue to miss her.

[Coastered]

The narcassiscist line hits home with me. I could go from being her entire world, so thankful for me, can't imagine life without me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you in one sentence then being called a narcassist and the worst person in the world in the next followed by I am done or good bye. Always amazed me how in one sentence I could be an amazing person to one that is so evil. In my entire life I have never been described as a narcassist. It has been 6 months since the break up which was done via text and I was immediately blocked. Last contact was by her maybe late September early October. Relationship was 4 years of constant break-ups and make-ups. Constant conflict. After all of that and knowing she is a bottomless pit that no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough. I still think about her everyday and continue to miss her.

Mindfried, every one of your words, except the four years, (it was a year and a half for me) hits home exactly as you said it.  Dumped me via text and immediately blocked, still think about her, constant make up and breaks up.  It really is weird how very similar BPD partners treat their supposed loved ones.

" I am DONE!"
"GOODBYE!"

Exactly the same type of texts you got, sometimes twenty or thirty in a row.

If you want to talk over messenger, or email send me a PM.  Maybe we can work through it together.  I am now taking an honours degree on Psychotherapy as something to work towards, a goal.

Do you have a goal?  It helps.

Be an even better person, be a stronger person.   Use than pain as a positive, learn from it.  You can love her, I still do, but we can't return to that.  We still love as we have the capacity to love.  We loved until the door was slammed in our face so it is no surprise a lot of us have not 'moved on' we did not get proper 'closure'.

Trust me, she lost you, you did not lose her.

[Tsultan]

Mindfried,

Same.  3 1/2 years off again on again.  My close friend used to light heartedly joke and say why don't you just tell him to put a duffle bag next to the door with all his stuff in it so he can just grab it and go. 

My exBPDbf also broke up with me via text.  It really is something how similar these situations are.

It's been 8 mos.  It's getting easier.  I do love him.

l really like what you say Coastered about using the pain as a positive and learn from it.  And that we still love as we have the capacity to love.  Good to remember this.

Tsultan

[Coastered]

My close friend used to light heartedly joke and say why don't you just tell him to put a duffle bag next to the door with all his stuff in it so he can just grab it and go.

Now why did I not think of that!

And thanks for your kind words, I find it helps

[Hopefulgirl]

Lines he used frequently:

When I'm done with someone I'm just done with them. I don't look back.
2. You don't want me, no really you don't. 3. She's just a friend of mine.
4. It has nothing to do with me, for some reason she's lost her mind over me.
5. You are too sensitive, this is what I don't like, I can't handle emotions from people.
6. You are the one who had the best of me ( me: wow, then I don't even want to know how you treated those other girls)

[Al Kaseltzer]

I just think the worst part about having heard standard lines, or anything like that is just now taking it as a grain of salt, deciphering what it meant, realizing it may have meant something different in hindsight.  Overall, just the notion that: what was legit and what was complete BS?  I know that there were genuine feelings and honest moments, and it was never in my nature to assume anything i was being told was in fact, NOT true.  but looking back now, its like who the hell knows about any of it.

[Luan]

Lines he used frequently:

When I'm done with someone I'm just done with them. I don't look back.
2. You don't want me, no really you don't. 3. She's just a friend of mine.
4. It has nothing to do with me, for some reason she's lost her mind over me.
5. You are too sensitive, this is what I don't like, I can't handle emotions from people.
6. You are the one who had the best of me ( me: wow, then I don't even want to know how you treated those other girls)

It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one that got served these kinds of mindf**ks. I guess they serve as boundaries for a BPD's mind, the limits that they are prepared to venture to, when they are in control. The fact that they can be contradictory does not seem to register with them.

I just think the worst part about having heard standard lines, or anything like that is just now taking it as a grain of salt, deciphering what it meant, realizing it may have meant something different in hindsight.  Overall, just the notion that: what was legit and what was complete BS?  I know that there were genuine feelings and honest moments, and it was never in my nature to assume anything i was being told was in fact, NOT true.  but looking back now, its like who the hell knows about any of it.

I think you are right AK,

These little gems are a bit of a window into how their mind works. In the right set of circumstances, relationships can find their own level of balance through trust and communication. These ultimatums leave no room for growth and flexibility. I think people with BPD may find those concepts way too threatening.

[Sandb2015]

Lines he used frequently:

When I'm done with someone I'm just done with them. I don't look back.
2. You don't want me, no really you don't. 3. She's just a friend of mine.
4. It has nothing to do with me, for some reason she's lost her mind over me.
5. You are too sensitive, this is what I don't like, I can't handle emotions from people.
6. You are the one who had the best of me ( me: wow, then I don't even want to know how you treated those other girls)

The first 3 are things I heard many times from my love.

I haven’t moved on, I’ve been tossed out and I end up going back, taking space right now.

[Ozzie101]

Lines he used frequently:

When I'm done with someone I'm just done with them. I don't look back.
2. You don't want me, no really you don't. 3. She's just a friend of mine.
4. It has nothing to do with me, for some reason she's lost her mind over me.
5. You are too sensitive, this is what I don't like, I can't handle emotions from people.
6. You are the one who had the best of me ( me: wow, then I don't even want to know how you treated those other girls)

Wow! Numbers 1, 2 and 5 are straight out of many conversations with my uBPDh. I also hear a lot of:
1 I'm so easy-going. (no, you are not)
2 You just don't 'get' me.
3 You're not helping!
4 I don't do complicated.
5 I'm low priority. You put everything and everyone else before me.

[Mindfried]

Holding the realtionship Hostage;

What It Is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

Why It’s Toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise, people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What You Should Do Instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.

https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-habits