He's seeing someone else

[Yellowpearl]

I sent that light message yesterday, but today I saw that he is seeing someone else. I checked facebook, even though i dont have one, he doesnt know i can see it. he has his arm around her, looks its taken on christmas, there are fancy lights, and they are smiling and someone commented "facebook official" my heart just sank, seeing this. i'm in complete SHOCK.

i feel utterly humiliated, i'm shaking and i'm wondering how the heck did this happen. he told me he wasn't ready when the blow up happened, now im wondering if he just said all that because he was seeing someone else and when we got back in touch few weeks ago he said he wanted to go on dates with me, not rush into anything, he apologized for things and called me 3 times, he said he had been thinking about me, how could he say all that, and now be in a relationship with someone else in just weeks.

is this some type of BPD behavior? where they just jump into something, and his message yesterday said he was going through stuff, i thought he was just having a hard time and wanted to mend things now im feeling this is why he flaked out on me few weeks ago after HE made the plans. what he said to me is really different from what i see in this picture on FB. He literally told me a few weeks ago on his own, that he wasn't seeing or meeting anyone during our time apart. I'm dumbfounded...

how could this happen, am i just discarded, he just went on to someone else and this is it? even if he comes back, i cant trust him now can I? im really lost, im hurting, im devastated, im at a loss. i dont really know how i will get through this one. at least before i thought okay things can always improve. now i feel betrayed and wonder if he was going back and forth because he was seeing her. maybe this whole thing was a lie. This is truly my WORST nightmare coming true.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

its a painful shock to the system, i know.

i think there are a few possibilities here.

one of them is that he was considering your feelings and didnt want you to know. if so thats a pretty lousy and weak way of going about it... .mentioning getting back together and going on dates, and then going silent. some people really struggle to be straight forward and honest about things like this.

another possibility is that we dont know exactly how far along this is, how official it is, what the status is... .he may not know himself, and lots of people keep options open to seeing more than one person.

the possibilities are all cold comfort, i know. it has happened to me too, and it is always a shock.

it gets better. hang in there.

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for the words of comfort.

I'm just a lost for words. If he was talking about getting back together just a few weeks ago and then goes silent and knew he was with her, that really is sure a weak way to go about it. I was left wondering for weeks.

Now that is true, i'm not sure how official it is, maybe he is not sure it will work out and wanted to keep options open, i also noticed that girl lives 2/3 hours away, not sure how he would pull that off.

another possibility is that we dont know exactly how far along this is, how official it is, what the status is... .he may not know himself, and lots of people keep options open to seeing more than one person.

if this is a possibility and he isnt sure but decides later its not working out and he contacts me again, i'm not sure how to proceed. i dont want to be a fool.

I wonder if im horrible and really naive and stupid if i still hope things would work out in the future. im thinking is this even like cheating or that much of a betrayal even though we werent together but he told me "i wasnt seeing anyone during our time apart" yet goes silent.  That's just too painful.

[Skip]

i feel utterly humiliated

There are a lot of things to feel right now. Hurt. Betrayal. Stay there. I don't think humiliation is part of this. You've conducted yourself with integrity and compassion. You can stand proud and with dignity. You last note was a good one.

i'm shaking and i'm wondering how the heck did this happen. he told me he wasn't ready when the blow up happened, now im wondering if he just said all that because he was seeing someone else and when we got back in touch few weeks ago he said he wanted to go on dates with me, not rush into anything, he apologized for things and called me 3 times, he said he had been thinking about me, how could he say all that, and now be in a relationship with someone else in just weeks.

It's really hard to know what happened. This will become clearer in time.  I would try not to think of the absolute worst case scenario.

You two were broken up. Weird staff happens around the holidays. There is likely a real reason that he contacted you. You don't know when this started, and you don't know what the photo means. There are lots of unknowns here... .and the fact is, contradictory things happen in real life.

All that said, it is a "couples" photo and you two were talking in "good faith" and for that alone, this sucks, big time - more so as it is Christmas time.

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

Whatever you do, don't contact him right now. Don't give up your ace. You may need that if this plays out more.

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for your words, Skip. You are right, at least I left it on a good note and showed integrity on my end. I guess I don't know for sure how/when this happened, or what the status exactly is between them, maybe since it's holidays, he went for a distraction. It's really hard to tell but seeing that couples photo really grabbed my heart and broke it.

I just am shocked when he contacted me and talked about dating again, he told me he hadn't been seeing anyone during our time apart, and then I see this picture weeks later.

I'm definitely not going to contact him, ill need to see what he does, if anything. I guess maybe i'll just see how this plays out.

I also have to think about if he contacts me can I even trust him again if it is that bad that he said those things to me, and went silent, while seeing someone. Just worried he'd been playing some sort of game with me and I was just along for the ride. Or if hes just confused, or if our blow up led him to date around. i dont like the possible dishonesty part, telling me he wants to make it work, silence, then that picture. i'm feeling plain devastated.

I just wish I had a clear picture. if eventually things get clear, i'm terrified of facing this again. then again, maybe this is a discard. I just dont know anymore.

[zachira]

Women and men are wired very differently when it comes to how to handle a break-up. It is not uncommon for a man who has recently ended a relationship to medicate his distress by getting into another relationship as soon as possible. Woman are often warned when dating a recently divorced man, to check to see if he is truly over his ex or just biding his time until he either reconciles with his ex, or finds what he is truly looking for, which is usually not one of the women he jumped into a relationship with before he was over his breakup. This is hard for most women to understand, as we usually do not want a relationship for quite awhile after the ending of one.

[2020]

Hello Yellowpearl. You have heaps of integrity in my books and you have acted nobly and with respect. I am saddened to hear of this current development for you.

Having said that, there is still a fair amount of speculation going on here. There is a photo with a comment on it by somebody else. Maybe the eternal optimist in me is speaking here? Regardless, this would really hurt!

It has made my head spin reading this. I am fearful this is what is happening in my life too. I have been pretty much amputated from my partner. I haven't eaten much in days and I have slept probably 8 hours in the past 72. It will be another difficult day.

Try to be gentle on yourself. I don't know what more to advise. Take care.

[Yellowpearl]

It is not uncommon for a man who has recently ended a relationship to medicate his distress by getting into another relationship as soon as possible. Woman are often warned when dating a recently divorced man, to check to see if he is truly over his ex or just biding his time until he either reconciles with his ex, or finds what he is truly looking for, which is usually not one of the women he jumped into a relationship with before he was over his breakup.

I never looked at it like that, that's a good point, thanks for pointing out this possibility. Although i'm still not sure he will come back and reconcile after something like this, but it's just insane, just a few weeks ago he talked about seeing each other again. What bothers me is, you don't tell someone about coming to there apartment to talk/reconcile and disappear the next day and then the other person sees a picture without warning. My head is spinning with possibilities. Part of me wonders if it is a joke. Like if it was taken at a christmas party and some girl showed up and his friends thought it would be funny to post on facebook. They dont have any other pictures together, usually i thought people who get involved start by pictures together casually before posting a holiday/christmas picture together. It says she lives in a different nearyby 2-3 hour away state too. Though i really could be mistaken in that thought and this could be some twisted reality. The recent ignoring/silence from him is what triggers my anxiety and making this all look very bad. Like gee, i'm not talking to you cause im seeing someone else. Oh god. Oh god.

Having said that, there is still a fair amount of speculation going on here. There is a photo with a comment on it by somebody else. Maybe the eternal optimist in me is speaking here? Regardless, this would really hurt!

It has made my head spin reading this. I am fearful this is what is happening in my life too. I have been pretty much amputated from my partner. I haven't eaten much in days and I have slept probably 8 hours in the past 72. It will be another difficult day.

Thanks for your support, as always 2020. I think yeah maybe a lot of speculation here, and we dont know for sure what this photo exactly means. The silence from him just makes it hit me ten times harder, and the lack of explanation I got from him the other day also makes it worse. I am very fearful this is a reality. I don't really know what to think.

I feel for you too, i'm very sorry about your fears that this is happening as well. I haven't slept well either, probably got 4 hours of sleep in the last 3 days too, i'm struggling at work too. I know the next week will be a difficult one, and the weeks after likely. It really throws me for a loop, and his expressing to be left alone the other day makes me feel he decided on her or something and what feels like such betrayal is feeling silenced, (if i talk, he just gets pressured, this whole month) and not being given a decent explanation at all. I'm thinking was i giving space for no reason was he just seeing her all this time even during the blow up when he was ignoring or refusing to see me. My thoughts are pretty scattered. He must know I may see that picture up there even though I dont have fb. this is just all too painful. its just too much.

[2020]

Yes I feel for you. It is just too painful and too much. It is the not knowing which really drives me nuts. I don't know how to cope when this stuff goes on. I sit here on this forum almost 24 hours a day now hoping to find answers. I can't think straight anymore. I refresh my emails constantly, haven't eaten much, phone her sister for answers, and ring my sister for support. Painful as it is, if they could just communicate, be honest and upfront, we could have this misery reduced greatly. But can they/will they do that? Probably not. And that really hurts. Strength and belief in ones own worth is maybe in order for us all? Good luck with getting through the day.

[Yellowpearl]

I feel you too. I don't know how to cope with all this either. Very true that they would have communicated with us, it would have greatly reduced so much pain. I keep thinking about the worst possible scenarios. i'm too worried that he is deep in some new relationship (if that is what happened) and was so when he was in touch with me talking about going on dates again just a few weeks ago. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking this as a possibility. Why can't they just have a respectful conversation about what's going on. The ambiguity of it, the uncertainty makes me question if they are really that confused about things and these things are flukes, or if it is some other ball game.

The worst part is while he is doing whatever he is doing, i still am sitting here praying and wondering if its just a rebound or fluke like some total idiot, and I'm left really not knowing, I can't even ask or anything. I have to bite my tongue, and im just supposed to be like oh okay so hes gonna do this whole thing, ill just sit here and sleep all day or barely sleep and try to function at work again and barely get 2 hours in of 8 hour work days while I wait for answers that may never come.

[once removed]

I'm thinking was i giving space for no reason was he just seeing her all this time even during the blow up when he was ignoring or refusing to see me.

if you had chased him, and then found this news, it would feel like humiliation. you might be kicking yourself and saying "if only id given him space".

i dont mean to play the "it could be worse" game, but that space, as well as how you conducted yourself, are part of why you have your dignity intact. i know that feels like little comfort now, but it truly goes a long way.

[Yellowpearl]

i dont mean to play the "it could be worse" game, but that space, as well as how you conducted yourself, are part of why you have your dignity intact. i know that feels like little comfort now, but it truly goes a long way.

I am glad I didn't go chasing, that's for sure, it would have felt worse. I'm also relieved that I went with that light/short message yesterday, before finding all of this out, instead of putting my heart out there again.

Even though I don't know exactly what the photo means or how "official" this situation means, I just find it disturbing if he would ask to come talk  to me in my apartment and then flake/disappear. Or how when I apologized, it was received very well to the point I almost felt HE overpursued me few weeks ago, telling me to call him "its not bad or anything i just want to apologize ive been thinking about you and hoping youre doing okay, id like to actually talk about things and apologize, i was selfish and bear responsibility too, i hope you are okay, id love to hear from you, feel free to call me"

i'm very confused about how can he say that weeks ago, arrange plans and just disappear. When I saw that picture i thought I was gonna die. I'm experiencing all this heartburn.

I know I said i'm not going to contact him but I also feel like doesn't he kind of owe me an explanation so I can figure things out and how to proceed, this has put me through absolute hell and as much as my diginity and pride is important to me, and how good I felt at least leaving it on a good note, at a certain point what about reaching him in a few weeks if he doesnt contact me, and somehow addressing this, and telling him what i've been going through and asking for some sort of explanation? I feel so silenced. As possibly a bad thing as it may be, I don't know how else to deal with this. Not knowing just kills me inside. But if he really is seeing her and if I were to ask about whats going on and he confirms this, i can only imagine it further devastating me.

[once removed]

i would hold off on any contact or any major decisions.

[Yellowpearl]

Yeah for now, I'm not going to contact at all and see what happens. I wonder if there is even hope here at this point. The question is how long do hold out for, if for good. I'm fearful of waiting for more than just weeks leads to suffering in silence, then if it comes to that accepting never knowing may be really be the end for me.

[2020]

Yellowpearl, I get your pain. I have been suffering very much today too. I have just got off the phone to a counselling service for men. They have advised me that I am best spending my energy on myself rather than obsessing about my partner. I have been driving myself insane with worry and I am in many ways in a similar boat to the one you are in. While they are refusing to engage with us, we are best trying to focus on making ourselves strong. I really feel like I am being dragged under. Today I have to somehow stop refreshing emails and letting my imagination go wild. That is no good for anybody. Easier said than done, but I think what this means is, we need to focus our care onto ourselves right now. I hope this may help you somehow.

[once removed]

you wont be suffering in silence YP. you have your family here. we have your back, and your heart.

your friends would probably like to hear from you too.

[Yellowpearl]

2020, that’s actually helpful advice that the counselor gave you... I’m glad it’s getting you through the day. I’ve been spending way too much time worrying and constantly wrapped up in this and if I keep doing so and don’t focus on myself I can imagine this all getting much worse. We may need to get stronger so if or when they get back and just dealing with all this aftermath, we’ll be more equipped to deal with the next steps. Hang in there 2020, as hard as it is it may be a long game or something or maybe for me it is over. Just need to feel in control of my life again while this just all hit me at once.

Once, true I don’t know know what I’d do with out this family at least I can find solace here : ) Cause if this situation changes or maybe let’s say in a month if i don’t hear anything and I may want to reach out depending on where I am emotionally I may need to come here and gather my thoughts about it. Maybe better not to waste my thoughts on what could be said since he may reach out within that months time (possible wishful thinking) and if that happens I’d have wasted all that brain power on thinking about what if’s or what to do.

This is a sinking ship. It’s probably over (trying not to be pessimistic). I gotta work on my mindset too

[2020]

Sounds like you have a better grip on this. There are some things we unfortunately have little control or influence over. We need to divert our energies inwardly rather that potentially squandering them where they are not having much effect.

Yes this is a very special place this forum. I am touched by the kindness of the members here. It has helped me greatly. We are learning, one day at a time. And these people we have been in relationship with, no matter how hard it has been and the pain we have felt; they have been our teachers. What we learn here and from them too is going to carry us in good stead into our futures.
It is difficult to change our focus. No doubt we have spent a huge amount of energy on our BPD loved ones. Just a little bit of love for ourselves hey? I trust it will all turn out nicely in the ending... .one way or another. Take care

[Yellowpearl]

2020 I thought I was having a better grip last night but this morning I woke up feeling completely broken with my anxiety through the roof. I don’t know how I’m goig to make it through the next few weeks and be okay. This all has been a shock to my system and I feel traumatized.

I said I wouldn’t contact him but I’m having second thoughts again. I’m having the urge to reach out and I think I’m going to. I just want answers and I want him to know what I’m going through. How much it’s hurting me. And ask what is going on. But if I do, I’d like to use communication skills to do it. Right now what I wrote out is kind of all over the place and much too long, thought I’d just post it here for insight. I know it sounds harsh and maybe it would be not the best idea to send all this. Maybe a shorter version. I really don’t know what to do. This is what I came up with: it’s definitely a draft and written when I just woke up. I know I can’t say I saw that picture. I left it out.

I still feel very confused. You didn’t get back to me for a while after you promised to meet me. This hurt me. When we got back in touch you said your head was clear now. You said you wanted to meet up and talk, and go on dates. Have you been seeing someone else or something?   I’m just very baffled by all this. I just feel like I’ve been getting conflicting messages since the summer and the last time we spoke. I understand if you have a lot going on. Like you can’t just offer to meet at someone’s apartment to talk and just disappear. I feel uncomfortable now. This hurt me a lot. You even acknowledged how you went silent over the summer because you weren’t ready and how next time you would talk to me. What happened with that? It just feels like you put one foot my forward and leave me hanging a lot. With everything else. This makes it worse that it happened again. You’re arent considering my feelings and it’s not fair to me. Can you tell me very honestly what’s going on, why the back and forth and why did you apologize too, say your heads clear too, offer to meet and disappear? It’s honestly all taking a toll on me and I feel like I deserve the respect of an explanation. Can you please explain what this all is no matter what it is? I will try my best to understand and listen.

How terrible is this? Can I work on this and even send something?

[zachira]

If you were asked to write an objective honest evaluation of your ex to post on a dating site for potential future girlfriends what would you say?

[Yellowpearl]

I'd say he is slow and hard to get to know at first, has a strong caring side, a sensitive person, very intelligent but doesn't always believe in himself. He has a lot of trouble organizing meetups and isn't always reliable when he is very stressed out with his own life. Things he can work on: taking things too personally, admitting when he is wrong, struggles with emotional strength and stamina but can be supportive in very thoughtful way and listens well. You have to be strong and bring up matters as they come or he may start taking you for granted.

You can't always swear on his word. he says one thing and does another and wants to change careers a lot because everything interests him. he is a dreamer that attitude won't likely change.

that's what I would likely post as an evaluation of him

[once removed]

if you contact him (with that or anything) there are a few likely outcomes... .

1. theres a good chance he wont respond. thats not going to feel good. you may feel a greater urgency to contact him again.

2. hes not going to be able to help you feel better about this, YP. hes not going to be able to soothe your anxiety, or your hurt.

3. if he does respond, it will likely be from a place of defensiveness, or worse. he may blame you.

4. you are in a strong position, and you hold all the cards, whatever is going on. sending this message throws that away.

you mentioned the need for change and doing things differently. the old YP would send this message.

[Yellowpearl]

I understand what you're saying and you make very good points. He may not respond and i'd feel worse or he may get very defensive. That's what I'm afraid of. I wondered if there was a gentler way I can put it without so much jadeing. Maybe he can at least think about it and get back to me. I feel really out of control thinking about the worst possible scenarios. it's very hard to control the urge to reach out and ask him about this. What if I did in a non-jadey way. But I know if I don't get a response, it would really hurt me. I just feel really left without any explanation after he pursed and offered to talk and even date. This makes me feel really out of place and disoriented. I'm feeling stuck.

you're right I have all the cards, but I wonder if that even matters at this point? maybe he just isn't going to return, its been weeks he hadn't reached out before I did on Christmas and learned this news.

maybe this is a terrible idea, ugh, how can i distract myself so i don't feel the need to send this

[zachira]

In many ways you are grieving a big loss. Your ex had many fine qualities that are hard to find in another man, yet there were some real challenges in getting along. What qualities do you think you brought to the relationship that are special, and he will find difficult to find in another woman?

[Al Kaseltzer]

I understand what you're saying and you make very good points. He may not respond and i'd feel worse or he may get very defensive. That's what I'm afraid of. I wondered if there was a gentler way I can put it without so much jadeing. Maybe he can at least think about it and get back to me. I feel really out of control thinking about the worst possible scenarios. it's very hard to control the urge to reach out and ask him about this. What if I did in a non-jadey way. But I know if I don't get a response, it would really hurt me. I just feel really left without any explanation after he pursed and offered to talk and even date. This makes me feel really out of place and disoriented. I'm feeling stuck.

you're right I have all the cards, but I wonder if that even matters at this point? maybe he just isn't going to return, its been weeks he hadn't reached out before I did on Christmas and learned this news.

maybe this is a terrible idea, ugh, how can i distract myself so i don't feel the need to send this

I'm not going to say whether you should or shouldn't send anything, but just know that I am in the same boat as you right now, except I know for sure theyre with someone else. With that knowledge I still have intense anxiety and extreme urges to reach out multiple times each day. In my case, I have kept telling myself (and getting insight on here as well) that it is the anxiety telling your mind you need to reach out. It might help you feel better in the short term but do more damage long term. If you are scared of what the reaction might be;  good, bad or none at all then make sure you can handle it. In my case and others from here it doesn't seem that we ever really get the ending we want or think we deserve.

[Skip]

How is this going? Have you had any communications?