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Author Topic: What qualities define a healthy relationship?  (Read 358 times)
Struggler123
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« on: December 29, 2018, 03:47:16 AM »

Its so often that we always talk about the qualities that define a unhealthy relationship, but what is a healthy relationship to you? Is there really love like the way it is movies? What is the clear line of difference between a healthy relationship/love and attachment... .
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Bnonymous
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2018, 05:30:24 AM »

Those are interesting questions, Struggler123!


 what is a healthy relationship to you?


Hmm... .

Top of the list, I'd say that a healthy relationship is characterised by the presence of mutual respect and trust.

Both partners feeling free to express their opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs, without fear of censure, excess anger, or ridicule.

Ability and willingness to talk through issues in the relationship and really listen to the other person. Willingness to find solutions together as a team. Willingness to negotiate and compromise.

Some common goals, mutual interests, and shared projects. But also some separate interests, activities and some separate friends too. Mutual appreciation and enjoyment of both the similarities and the differences between oneself and one's partner. Each partner being secure enough in themselves and in the relationship for the other to feel free to be themselves and pursue their own interests and friendships.

Each partner feeling that the relationship provides them space to emotionally breathe. Both partners feeling safe and free to express their emotions and trusting that the other person will respond in respectful, empathic and validating ways. Neither partner fearing that the other will take their emotions personally or attempt to "fix" or control their feelings.

Each partner recognising and respecting the goals, values, and needs of the other, and supporting them in achieving their personal goals and living by their personal values (rather than trying to impose their own values on to the other person or deciding what the other "should" be striving for).

Genuine enjoyment of the other's happiness, triumphs, and success.

An ability to laugh together, even when life is challenging.

(I could go on, but I'd be here all day, so I'll leave it there for now!   )








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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2018, 09:52:30 PM »

This feels like setting a low bar here, but not shaming the other.  Shaming is an attack on the other person, basically telling them that they are worthless.
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« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2018, 07:05:19 AM »

Is there really love like the way it is movies?

movies, stories, books, video games... .media in general, certainly influence us, and i think more than we always give credit to. our strongest blueprint comes from watching our parents, but id say media can be a strong second.

one of the prominent messages in media, at least one i gravitated toward and latched onto, is this blurry line between intimacy and intensity... .this idea that you just meet someone, instantly know each other and powerfully connect off the bat; the soul mate thing, and that love will overcome anything that threatens it. one thing that ive learned is that intimacy is built slowly, over time.

i still believe in soul mates. ive used this example before, but my best friend and i met on day one of sixth grade, hit it off and never looked back. thats called initial chemistry. nothing wrong with it. but we can mistake it for more, and over invest in it, be unrealistic about it. my best friend and i didnt form the relationship we have today on day one of sixth grade, or even for many years. that was built, and tested, slowly, over time.

the same is true (with different given dynamics) in romantic relationships.
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« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2018, 11:31:42 AM »

I've read many books on what defines a healthy relationship. By far my favorite is: "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2018, 04:14:29 PM »

Mutual love and respect.

I once had that with mine, but... .well, that's why I am here.

John Gottman has some really good videos on relationships. His discussions on how contempt destroys relationships really got me. Mine once told me that I didn't need any praise and/or encouragement because he didn't believe in flattery. Note the black-and-white thinking. I'm "all" bad.

I remember one birthday where he was talking divorce again (too many times to count), and then gave me a romantic birthday card that night and expected me to be thrilled. I put on a show and cried privately about the confusing nature of our relationship. He still does that. All kinds of bullying and vindictive stuff all year, and then sends me a romantic Christmas card.

A friend helped me draw a distinction recently. In normal relationships, sometimes you hurt each other. You apologize and move on. But it unhealthy relationships, there is harm done repeatedly by one partner that ultimately damages the relationship. Unless that harm is stopped, the relationship will break down. Even if they stay together, the relationship is not a satisfying one.

Heavy but important stuff.
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Struggler123
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« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2018, 04:51:58 PM »

A lot of good responses, came out of this thread. But, one thing i’ve still yet to figure out is that what is the distinction between normal relationship arguments and an abusive one? What qualities do you look for to understand so called “compatibility.” Is it looks, personality, the way they make you feel, or the way you make them feel... .Do you need a relationship to make you feel complete?
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zachira
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« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2018, 05:04:31 PM »

In a healthy argument the safety of the partner comes first, and there is repair of disconnection and hurt. Unhealthy arguments are about winning and being right without taking into consideration the damage caused by hurting the partner's feelings.
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Yellowpearl
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« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2018, 10:01:41 PM »

Loyalty is an important one. When you're looking for loyalty, you're looking for consistency. If there is a lot inconsistency in the person's words/actions, not being willing to discuss issues as they come up, not being around/going off on one's own, loyalty will tested.
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« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2018, 08:43:33 AM »

What qualities do you look for to understand so called “compatibility.”

in a longer term relationship, you need compatible independent and interdependent values.

Excerpt
This life skill has three pillars: defining personal values to ourselves, communicating and asserting what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds to others, and being committed to make hard choices, when necessary, to honor and defend.

    Defining values: Healthy relationships are sometimes characterized as an “inter-dependent” relationship of two “independent” people. Healthy individuals have values that they honor and defend regardless of the nature of the relationship. These are core or independent values. Healthy individuals also have values that they are prepared to negotiate and adapt to in an effort to bond and collaborate with others. These are known as inter-dependent values.

    Asserting boundaries: Using verbal and nonverbal communications to assert intentions, needs and define what is in-bounds and out-of-bounds. Laying out reasonable, safe and acceptable ways for other people to interact and relate to us.

Honoring and defending: Living a life that honors our values and knows how to take constructive actions necessary to avoid being compromised.

Defining Values

Having a healthy relationship takes a great deal of self-awareness and knowing:

    which of our values are independent, core values to be upheld by us and defended (in a constructive way, of course),

    which values need to be more open for compromise or replacement based on our desire to bond and build relationships with others (partner, friend, relative), and

    how, in difficult situations, to look across multiple values and balance priorities.

Independent core values:
It's important to not only identify core values, but to live them. Independent core values should guide important  decisions in our lives. Our values should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make.

Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relationships with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy; feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.

Inter-dependent values:
Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromising independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others and the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
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« Reply #10 on: December 31, 2018, 10:51:00 AM »

Great question, Struggler123.  When you say "love like it is in the movies," what do you mean?  What are you seeing that appeals to you?

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Struggler123
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« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2019, 12:05:38 AM »

Great question, Struggler123.  When you say "love like it is in the movies," what do you mean?  What are you seeing that appeals to you?



I feel like when people love someone with BPD or any perinality disorder. Its love like in the movies. The highs and the lows. Only difference is at the end of the movie everything seems to work out. But, in a relationship like that in real life it doesnt work that way. Thank you everyone for all your answers. I guess, I had to change a lot about the way I see my own relationships. I always felt like I was a pushover. In some ways, I felt like I was easy manipulated, not in terms of love relationships but also in my day to day affairs. I guess thats why I was trying to figure out how I had been living the wrong way for so long... .
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