Memories returning

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello bpdfamily 

This is a personal process thread, it's a place for me to share my remembering. 

It's all coming out at the moment, and it's all rather shocking. I am being deeply effected by this, and I need some extra help in the way of resources for recovery from child sexual abuse. Any links to websites, forums, supports groups, books, etc is greatly appreciated, thank you. 

I am remembering him forcing me to hold his hand and walk round to church with him every Sunday morning for eleven o'clock mass. I hated it and frequently refused to do it, I hated how it felt touching him or being near him. I would cry at the very thought of him touching me. He stopped forcing me to go the church with him when the abuse stopped at about 7.

#MyResilientHeart positive I statement -  It happened, Its over, and I am okay. 

[freespirit]

Hello bpdfamily 

This is a personal process thread, it's a place for me to share my remembering. 

It's all coming out at the moment, and it's all rather shocking. I am being deeply effected by this, and I need some extra help in the way of resources for recovery from child sexual abuse. Any links to websites, forums, supports groups, books, etc is greatly appreciated, thank you. 

I am remembering him forcing me to hold his hand and walk round to church with him every Sunday morning for eleven o'clock mass. I hated it and frequently refused to do it, I hated how it felt touching him or being near him. I would cry at the very thought of him touching me. He stopped forcing me to go the church with him when the abuse stopped at about 7.

#MyResilientHeart positive I statement -  It happened, Its over, and I am okay. 

[freespirit]

As well as being BPD/npd, my father was also a violent alcoholic.

I am remembering waking up in the middle of the night in my cot next to their bed, covered in my father's vomit. (I was in their room, in that cot till about age 7)

Turns out I was in their bed that night, and he came to bed in an alcoholic stupor, staggered over to my cot, vomited directly into my cot, lifted me out of the bed, put me back into the cot, then went to bed.

I love you inner child.   I am so sorry this happened to you.   Thank you for sharing your secrets with me.   You are safe now   

[zachira]

There is probably nothing more heartbreaking that being abused by a parent. The memories are coming up now, likely because you are getting ready to process them and put them behind you. There are many resources, however the most important step is likely to go to therapy where you can get help in putting these memories in a normal file in your brain where you can control how these memories affect you currently. When your memories are in a normal file, you will be able to  choose to remember or not think about the memories in the present moment or if you choose to think about them there will be much less negative emotional affect. There are many members who regularly post here in this group who have been abused by a parent. Though every story is different, some of the feelings that emerge are similar: hurt, intense emotional and physical pain, outrage, sadness, helplessness, etc., Others will share with you their resources and let you know that they hear you and feel for you. Do let us know how you are doing and what is the most helpful. You will find relief, and be happier, with time as you find support and the means to heal in your journey. Keep us posted.

[freespirit]

Hi zachira 

Thank you for your understanding, encouragement and support its very nice to meet you. 

Yes, I am looking forward to receiving more resources for recovery from child sexual abuse. 

Thank you ~ freespirit

TRAUMA: A DOORWAY TO THE SACRED

A trauma is not a past event. It is the seemingly unbearable thoughts and feelings we carry in the bodymind, often unconsciously, into the present moment, into the Now. Thoughts that feel unthinkable. Feelings that feel unbearable. Sensations in the body we aren’t able to fully hold. Experiences we weren’t able to fully digest. Pictures we don’t want to see. The darkness in ourselves that we run from, the ‘negativity’ that we hide from others.

Moment by moment, we can begin to allow even the most terrifying and intense thoughts and feelings back into the healing arms of Now, where they belong.

In the presence of a loving friend, a skilled therapist, a great mountain, or the sky and all the gods and angels, with the ancient Earth holding us like a newborn, we can allow our defences to break, and touch into our deepest pain and sorrow, flushing it with curiosity, awareness, love.

Moment by moment we can begin to bear the unbearable, tolerate the intolerable, breathe through the deepest pain. Mindfully, slowly, we can flush the horror with light, drench the darkest regions with kindness, illuminate the Underworld, where the fearful and feral creatures dwell.

The wound is a portal. It will not kill you when you turn towards it. I have known horrors within myself that have pushed me to the edge of sanity, the edge of my mortality. I have touched into grief so unbearable my heart couldn’t hold one more second of it. I have felt rage so volcanic it could destroy or create an entire Cosmos.

But, moment by moment, I was able to bear the unbearable, accept the unacceptable, fall in love with the inner ‘enemy’. An enemy that turned out to be an innocent inner child, screaming and raging for my love. My own flesh and blood.

At the core of my deepest trauma I found... .myself. I saw my own kind face, smiling back at me. I found power and courage I never knew I had. I found the ultimate safety. I found God herself. She had used my deepest wounds to call me back to myself, and make me whole.

Your trauma is a black hole. It will suck the life out of you and everyone around you. But it can also be a quasar, an astonishing dynamo of new life, emitting more light than a hundred galaxies.

- Jeff Foster.

#ThePhoenixKnows be exactly who the  you are #Adultchild 

[Kwamina]

Hi again freespirit

I am remembering him forcing me to hold his hand and walk round to church with him every Sunday morning for eleven o'clock mass. I hated it and frequently refused to do it, I hated how it felt touching him or being near him.

What did your father do when you refused to hold his hand?

As well as being BPD/npd, my father was also a violent alcoholic.

Alcohol and mental disorder are often a very problematic combination. In what ways was he violent?

Turns out I was in their bed that night, and he came to bed in an alcoholic stupor, staggered over to my cot, vomited directly into my cot, lifted me out of the bed, put me back into the cot, then went to bed.

That's a very unpleasant thing to wake up to  What did your mother and/or your father do when you woke up? Who got you cleaned up?

[freespirit]

Hi Kwamina 

You asked -  "What did your father do when you refused to hold his hand?"

He would threaten me with physical violence.

"What did your mother and/or your father do when you woke up? Who got you cleaned up?"

No one got up to clean me up, they were both in an alcoholic stupor. I had to sleep in it.

I have just finished listening to Brené Brown, Listening to shame, and it calmed me. She is such a beautiful soul, I am blessed by her work. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

 

[Harri]

Hi freespirit.  I am so sorry all this has happened to you.  Little you and big you are worthy of so much more.

About online resources, I don't really have any to suggest.  I would stick with known people like Pete Walker, Brene Brown, Bradshaw. etc.  There is too much snake oil out there on the net and if you are not careful it is easy to get drawn inn especially when at the beginning of remembering abuse.

Our Survivors Guide is an excellent resource.  If you open the link to it at the top of the board you will also get a free download of the Survivor to Thriver Manual.  I can't think of better resources aside from your own therapist. 

I do encourage you to keep working on yourself but try to wait until you can get into counseling.  Professional guidance is best when you do deep dives into the emotions and memories surrounding your sexual abuse.

Take care

[freespirit]

Hi freespirit.  I am so sorry all this has happened to you.  Little you and big you are worthy of so much more.

About online resources, I don't really have any to suggest.  I would stick with known people like Pete Walker, Brene Brown, Bradshaw. etc.  There is too much snake oil out there on the net and if you are not careful it is easy to get drawn inn especially when at the beginning of remembering abuse.

Our Survivors Guide is an excellent resource.  If you open the link to it at the top of the board you will also get a free download of the Survivor to Thriver Manual.  I can't think of better resources aside from your own therapist. 

I do encourage you to keep working on yourself but try to wait until you can get into counseling.  Professional guidance is best when you do deep dives into the emotions and memories surrounding your sexual abuse.

Take care

This is very good advise, thank you Harri 

I agree professional guidance is best when we do deep dives into the emotions and memories surrounding sexual abuse, and at the same time I got my appointment letter from the hospital, and it Looks like I wont be getting into see a therapist till the end of Jan or possibly even later.

This process of remembering is happening now, with or without my active consent, so I am looking to support myself in every way I can with free resources for now.

So far I have found this specialist forum which looks very promising. 

isurvive.org/forum/ 

 

[Harri]

This process of remembering is happening now, with or without my active consent, so I am looking to support myself in every way I can with free resources for now.

Yes, that is understood.   

[freespirit]

I have done some preliminary research for resources for adult children recovering specifically from childhood sexual abuse. I expected to find abundance resources in this area, but sadly this does not seem to be the case.

If anyone knows of any resources that I could check out pertaining specifically to recovery from childhood sexual abuse, I would be very grateful. #Gratitude   



Sharing insights - I met a man online last year and we were Facebook friends for a while, that is until I checked out his website and found out that he was a practicing sexual therapist. I understand now that's what started off all this deep purging and unraveling with my father wound. I had no idea at the time and only realized today. Funny how the thing that triggered me the most back then, and that I ran away from, is now the thing I need most in my life.

Thank you

[zachira]

Go to Amazon books and put in "childhood sexual abuse recovery" and four titles will come up. There should be an endless list of resources in this type of book.

[Harri]

How are you doing freespirit?

[freespirit]

Harri, you are an absolute rock-star 

I have had a massive awakening around all this. It took me till yesterday to psychologically catch up with the healing session I had 3 weeks ago, where I uncovered the child sexual abuse.

I understand now that the man I mention in my last post reminded me of fathers energy, because it was a match. We can not have peace until we acknowledge the truth. His behavior towards me was highly narcissistic, not once did he try to be helpful or bring peace. I was highly triggered by all of our interactions without really knowing why at the time. This was when I was full force energetically activating and purging childhood trauma, as I have this past 12 months, so I took on all the responsibility thinking it was me being in intense process, no he was actually a    and I didn't see it, in fact I kept going back for more.

I see now this was because I hadn't remembered the father issues of attempted  murder and /rape/incest due to repetition compulsion/trauma solutions

"Survivors need to resuscitate their instinctual anger about parental maltreatment or they risk blindly accepting others reenactment of these behaviors."
- Pete Walker.

This is true, but first they need to remember the parental maltreatment. #Remembering

[Harri]

  

I have had a massive awakening around all this. It took me till yesterday to psychologically catch up with the healing session I had 3 weeks ago, where I uncovered the child sexual abuse.

Awakenings are good, though can be tough.  Looking back, what did you do to help yourself cope during the 3 weeks?  I don't mean posting or reading though.  Did you dissociate?  Go numb?  Distance yourself from your memories in any way?  I ask because it is quite common to do such things.  I only mentioned the ones here that I have done in an effort to cope.  You may have your own.   

I see now this was because I hadn't remembered the father issues of attempted  murder and /rape/incest due to repetition compulsion/trauma solutions

I can see how not remembering would affect your behaviors and compel you to re-enact your father relationship with others.  It is the root of a lot of the generational dysfunction we see and experience.  It is great that you were able to make that connection and that you are aware and working through your issues.   

It is so common to try to go back and correct things that happened in the past with others.  I have done that so often.  It is also part of the reason why I stayed in the dysfunctional relationships I had.  I wanted to get things right, to fix things. 

Freespirit, I can only recommend that you take a look at the Survivor's Guide and work through the steps.  The first section, Remembering, applies to where you are right now with a lot of this stuff and I think it would help you.  We also have the Survivor to Thriver Manual, a free download, which is where the 21 steps of the survivors guide comes from.  It discusses things in more detail and can be a great help on your recovery journey with or without a professional counselor.   

[zachira]

Your are doing everything you can to deal with the memories returning and affecting your well being in the present moment. What is key is to not be overwhelmed by these memories. The first step in healing is learning to feel safe in the present moment, which means carefully distinguishing between what is actually happening in the present moment, and what is bothering you in the present moment that is really about the past. When you see your therapist at the end of January, do notice what she/he does to help you feel safe and calm during the session, and what tools she/he gives you to be able to live in the present without being overwhelmed by past memories.

[freespirit]

Thank you for your replies Harri and zachira  

Harri, you asked - Looking back, what did you do to help yourself cope during the 3 weeks?

Funny you should ask that as I was reflecting on the same thing myself. Well, I hid myself in God, that's what I did. I focused wholeheartedly on my recovery and used everything I could to help myself and others.

I don't mind telling you at times I wondered if I was ever going to heal from it. But I am determined to empower myself, I am not going to let anyone not even the people who gave birth to me, rob me of my god given right to be a whole and complete person.

NPD parents do not give life, they consume it. My parents consumed me. They literally ate me alive. I did not have permission to exist. I was energetically, and otherwise raped from the moment I was born, by them both. I have been trying to run away from that fact by forgetting. But this kind of experience has an effect on us, no matter how we try to deny or repress it. #TheOnlyWayOutIsIn  

[Harri]

I focused wholeheartedly on my recovery and used everything I could to help myself and others

How so?

[freespirit]

zachira I just wanted to say thank you for your suggestion regarding key words searches, I ended up typing in the word incest and a whole bunch of great resources turned up. 

Harri are you asking what that looked like for me?

If so, it looked like a good daily self-care routine, and just putting one foot in front of the other. A lot of prayer and mediation. A lot of help from the spirit realms, and other peoples loving energy towards me. It looked like surrender to what was/is

Willingness to lean into it, rather than away from it, to feel it all. Knowing that there was a point and a higher purpose to what I was going through helped keep me out of victim mentality and focused on the task at hand. #AcceptingMyStory

Time and space to just be, and then when I was ready to process it, I wrote it out. When I write things out or talk about it, it helps me make sense of my life better. I figure that if I can make sense of it for myself, then that same sense could potentially help someone else in their lives too, so I get creative and make posts on Facebook and share them with others, it really helps me.

Creativity is how I manage to stay engaged with my recovery when the road I am walking is very challenging.   

[freespirit]

And Gratitude!             

Thank you bpdfamily community for all you are and do here                

I am truly grateful! 

    

    

    

Corey Voss - You Promised https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpOWpgiYk08 

[Harri]

Hi!   

It sounds like you have been doing well with coping then.  Kudos to you.  Keep working and posting here as you feel the need. 

  

[Kwamina]

…... .just putting one foot in front of the other.

 That's how we get ahead

Willingness to lean into it, rather than away from it, to feel it all.

I think this is indeed important in our healing to be able to allow ourselves to reconnect with our feelings. When dealing with memories of traumatic experiences, this process can also be quite overwhelming, yet it's definitely a step forward once we're able to engage it all and feel it all on a deep emotional level and move through it.

How are things now? Any more memories returning?

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Hi Kwamina  

I am re- connecting with my feelings in a very powerful way at the moment around memories and the process is quite overwhelming, then it shifts into breakthrough. #Gratitude

I agree, there is empowerment and freedom in feeling it all on a deep emotional level, and moving through it all to the other side.

Thank you for posting. 

[Harri]

I've been wondering how you are.

Thanks for the update freespirit.

 

[freespirit]

I've been wondering how you are.

Thanks for the update freespirit.

 

  Harri 

Even though this is incredibly difficult work, I am learning, healing and growing so much throughout this. Part of my recent growth has been accepting my story on a deeper level than I have done before. I have stopped running and trying to find a magic pill to make my story any different to what it actually is, there is acceptance here now. I accept that I am both enlightened and  up,  that I am both simultaneously,  and thats okay.

I did a big piece of work last week where I reclaimed my sexuality, personal power and inner masculine that released a huge amount of transformational energy that has opened up a new path forward regarding my future work in this area. #Gratitude

Yesterday I put myself on a 3 day Facebook posting ban that is working out so well I am thinking of doing it permanently as a weekly thing, to help me slow down and make extra room for the deeper work than can only be done in stillness. #SelfCare

With the extra time and space this afforded me, instead of researching recovery and making Facebook posts and headers, I got some crayons and drew the words that came to me intuitively, this helped me slow down a bit and really "get" the message in a way I wouldn't have done by just typing the words out alone.

I am learning thats its okay to have a process, that I don't have to speed through this, or positivity the  out of it when its hard. 

Here are some words I drew last night. #InnerChildExpressiveArt

Thank you, and blessings for your day.

[freespirit]

Coincidentally, this post just came to me and I thought to share 

"AN INSURRECTION OF HUMAN-KINDNESS

Sadly, friends, it does not surprise me, all the reports coming out now about so-called “spiritual gurus” abusing, shaming, dehumanising and even molesting their students. In the name of Truth. (What kind of ‘Truth’ could be so unkind?)

My heart goes out to the victims.

I’ve been saying this for years: The more ‘perfect’ and ‘calm’ and 'transcendent' someone appears to be on the outside, the more internal chaos and mess they are inevitably repressing, hiding from view.

You see, all that is unhealed (unconscious and unseen and unloved and unmetabolised) within us, will inevitably end up pulling the strings in our lives and hurting our loved ones and those closest to us. All our repressed humanity, all the silenced voices of shame and fear within us, all the rage and grief we numb in order to maintain our image of “the nice one”, or, worse, “the enlightened one”, all of this material will end up making us cruel and unkind and manipulative if it’s not acknowledged, if we don’t take full responsibility for it. All our unmet trauma, all our squished ‘darkness’ will lead us to overpower and control others, shame them, call them names, blame them, and invalidate their pain, in OUR search for relief.

We will simply stop listening.

No matter how “enlightened” we are.

No matter how many followers we have, how many ashrams we run, how high up we are in the lineage.

In this way, we avoid being seen, and our vulnerable humanity remains hidden, and we get to play the superhuman “expert” or “guru” or “perfect being” and get the power over others we secretly crave. So we can run from our own loneliness and doubt, and be "The One Who Knows".

Until we discover our true spiritual power:

This open, vulnerable, tender and honest,
messy and achy and mostly broken
brilliantly and completely whole
human heart."

- Jeff Foster

[Harri]

Hi! 

Good work on finding acceptance with your spirituality and your past.  Knowing that the two can co-exist is excellent. 

I used to say I was  - up too yet at the same time advise others to stop verbally bashing theirself!  haha  I think it was a way for me to keep working on acceptance of my past but at one point it became a way for me to keep myself stuck in my past (can you say victim?).  Why do you think you do it here?  Is it even significant for you?  You can say Harri, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar! 

With the extra time and space this afforded me, instead of researching recovery and making Facebook posts and headers... .I am learning thats its okay to have a process, that I don't have to speed through this, or positivity the  out of it when its hard.

This. Is. So. Important.  I am glad you see this and have embraced it.  I still catch myself thinking things like "Let's get this done!  Just Doo it!"  I am glad you found such a great way to express yourself with your art, which, BTW is beautiful.  My best release is through writing.  But rambling writing.  heh  Thank you for sharing. 

You see, all that is unhealed (unconscious and unseen and unloved and unmetabolised) within us, will inevitably end up pulling the strings in our lives and hurting our loved ones and those closest to us. All our repressed humanity, all the silenced voices of shame and fear within us, all the rage and grief we numb in order to maintain our image of “the nice one”, or, worse, “the enlightened one”, all of this material will end up making us cruel and unkind and manipulative if it’s not acknowledged, if we don’t take full responsibility for it. All our unmet trauma, all our squished ‘darkness’ will lead us to overpower and control others, shame them, call them names, blame them, and invalidate their pain, in OUR search for relief.

Yes, yes yes!

And this: 

This open, vulnerable, tender and honest,
messy and achy and mostly broken
brilliantly and completely whole
human heart."

So achingly beautiful. 

Thanks freespirit!   

[freespirit]

Harri you said -

"Good work on finding acceptance with your spirituality and your past.  Knowing that the two can co-exist is excellent... .I am glad you found such a great way to express yourself with your art, which, BTW is beautiful. " - Thank you so much Harri  

 "I used to say I was     up too yet at the same time advise others to stop verbally bashing theirself!  haha"  -  Haha this is funny   

"I think it was a way for me to keep working on acceptance of my past"  - Yes, exactly that! 

"but at one point it became a way for me to keep myself stuck in my past (can you say victim?)." - This makes sense to me. 

"Why do you think you do it here?  Is it even significant for you?" - I think  it is an  initial yet important traveling point along my road to recovery. It seems that the 3 points we go through are victim, survivor and thriver, which to me correlates to - it happened, its over, and I am okay. Today I honor each point as a temporary yet necessary point in my recovery, learning, healing and growth. 

Here are the words I drew from last nights stillness session 



Love to you today, Harri