Need advice

[Coldfish]

My question is do individuals with BPD fear when their partners go away on vacations?

I want to go away on a trip. I have girlfriends that like to travel and they are always going somewhere. Right now they are planning trips to Iceland, Switzerland, Aruba, the mountains etc.  I do have a fear of flying but I would be willing to start small which my partner expressed months ago was a good idea. My partner does not want me to go anywhere without him. When I ask about a girls trip he will come up with a solution that includes him. I would not mind going on a trip with him but he keeps pushing it off. I am ready to go somewhere now.

Right now he says that we are friends. So I feel that if he views us as friends then I should be able to go do what I want and be bothered. He has, however, been getting closer to me emotionally. I have to sneak out of his bed at night because he wants me to stay all night. He has currently left for a trip but he wanted me to be at his place while he was gone but we got into a disagreement. He was giving me a key to his place which I knew he would not have wanted back.

I am just torn should I book the trip or not

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[Bnonymous]

Hi coldfish,

People with BPD have big abandonment fears, so vacations can be a trigger. That's not a reason not to go, but it does mean that it would need careful handling; you'd need to introduce the idea with plenty of notice and with reassurance that you'd text/email him regularly while away.

If you genuinely don't mind whether you go with him or with friends, then why not give him the option? That, too, would have to be done carefully so that he didn't interpret it as a blackmailing "Either you come away with me at x time, or I'm going to abandon you and go away without you".

I'd approach it by telling him that you really need a vacation, that you feel it would be good for you and help you to feel less stressed and that this would be good for both of you, as you're better company when you're relaxed. I'd tell him that you would really love to go with him, but that you don't want to put any pressure on him, so, if he doesn't want to go, that's okay. If he says he doesn't want to go, then wait a couple of weeks and then make arrangements with your friends (so that he doesn't feel like it's a punishment or an ultimatum).

If he says that he will go, then try and get something booked fairly soon. If he keeps putting off getting firm plans in place, then come back to us. There is a likely a way you could arrange to go with your friends soon and with him later, but it would need careful handling. I suggest try asking him to come away with you first and then take it from there.

[Coldfish]

Thanks for your reply. I will try your suggestion. I do not mind if he comes I just want to go. I have asked him before but he has to start a new job. I get that but he always is starting a new job because of his BPD.

I will try what you asked and let you know how it goes.
 
Thanks