I think that I just needed to put this out there.

[JNChell]

Just because you were able to conceive a child together biologically  doesn't mean you should be together. In a perfect world people wouldn't have a child(or sex) with someone until enough time passes to properly know their potential mate. Unfortunately we aren't perfect and neither is our world.  For the sake of your child though you shouldn't raise him in an abusive relationship.  That is the relationship you had with his mother. You know it was flawed and unhealthy.  You need to break the cycle right now and accept that you and her just aren't compatible. I believe there will be someone someday that treats you like you should be treated. It will probably be a holy___ moment honestly.  I think I'll have that moment someday also.  You can't keep dwelling on something that is broken that you can't fix.

This was from a couple months ago. He and I have been friends for a long time. He’s family. His family have been one of those outside resources that caused a different outcome.

I don’t really know what compelled me to post this. I don’t have any questions right now. I’m not seeking advice. I think that I just needed to put this out there.

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for posting this. These are powerful words. I'm really on the fence of realizing and understanding how unhealthy and flawed my situation has been/was. The urges to really wish things were how they used to be are still there often, but I question maybe it did turn god awful and I was too blinded. As long as they aren't seeing someone else, you think there's so much hope. When he did start seeing someone else recently, i'd been going ballistic inside thinking "was this abuse?" in ten fold. Maybe it's some kind of turning point but it's scary to go down that route when you once were so connected to the person.

Someone told me the other day when I told him he's seeing someone else "is he now? he needs a lot of counseling before he even starts dating someone." I think it's true. Not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I just took it as face value.

[Cromwell]

I agree with Yellowpearl about when it comes to questioning at a rational level "is this abuse". It becomes tricky because id started to find justification or reasons rather than to ask myself "do you feel abused"

I asked myself that way too late, or maybe I guess, its never too late, but I stuck around too long not wanting to feel it for what it was.

So to try and envisage having to stay together on that basis with bringing up a child under the climate of feeling abused - I cant see it working for anyone. Kids pick up on these vibes and what sort of influence does it have an etch into the developing mindset - that "dad gets picked on" - thats just the way it is around here, thats life.

Way too much potential for picking up on the wrong sort of ideas in an environment like that, its true I believe that it effects kids having to see the family unit split apart and adapt afterwards, but this is one of those factors that make it a no-brainer. the chances are better to have an environment where abuse being witnessed between the primary caregivers isnt going on. Is this one of the "nature vs nurture" debates, does a child really think about genetic lineage or does it think about having their needs met in a safe and loving environment regardless of who is doing it.

[once removed]

Just because you were able to conceive a child together biologically  doesn't mean you should be together.

i think this is true.

equally true, and very hard for me to swallow was the notion that two people can love each other very much, do their best to make a relationship work, and not be right for each other.

[JNChell]

Yellowpearl, I’m sorry for my late response.

Maybe it’s the lack of closure. The normal “why”. The reasonable apology that would’ve made things so much easier. The normal closing with a kiss and a long embrace. A proper goodbye.

I understand the raised emotions upon finding out about someone else. Those feelings are awful. Physically and mentally. It hurts.

How are you feeling currently?

[JNChell]

Thank you for this Crom. I’ve really been struggling over the idea of family.

So to try and envisage having to stay together on that basis with bringing up a child under the climate of feeling abused - I cant see it working for anyone. Kids pick up on these vibes and what sort of influence does it have an etch into the developing mindset - that "dad gets picked on" - thats just the way it is around here, thats life.

I want what is best for my boy. I’ve been riding on his core family being intact for quite some time. It’s not possible. And you’re right, he wouldn’t benefit from growing up like that.

Man, there is too much potential for picking up on wrong ideas in the wrong environment. You know, my kiddo is asleep next to me. It’s quiet and peaceful. Nothing can breach that. Thanks, Cromwell:

[JNChell]

or, yeah. It’s really hard to swallow. I believe that we do love each other. We just don’t know how to. We break each other. That’s not the kind of love that I want. I want her to be happy. That’s a really hard thing to say. She’s done a lot of hurtful things to me. The thing is, I’m starting to understand why. I can sit here and write the playbook in my head. The thing that I need to be reminded of is that my thoughts won’t change her. She is innocent like a child, but she rages like my mother. Sprinkle a few more things on there, and that’s my girl. That’s who I chose to share a child with.

[Tsultan]

JNChell, I was a martyr for the sake of keeping my family intact for most of my 24 year marriage. I wanted the family I never had growing up as a kid so badly I would tolerate covert abuse throughout the marriage. I sometimes wonder if my ex husband was BPD. Just internalized the emotion instead of externally acting out. ? Who knows.

I do regret putting up with so much bs from him though now just for the sake of keeping my family intact. There is definitely damage done to me that I am still processing 4 years after the divorce.

I recently had an awareness about abuse and it helped me to see things more clearly. I always thought that abuse was when the abuser intentionally along with awareness hurt others. Now, my thinking is that someone can be abusive and not even be aware that they are hurting others.  This opened up my mind to my reality of what was happening to me.

I am really getting to a place today however that I would much rather be alone and have a peaceful life rather than be with chaos. It’s less wear and tear on my nerves. Recently, I have come to the realization that my relationship with my children and grandchildren are better now that I’m not married to their father because no 1 I have more energy, no 2, I am more focused on their needs because I don’t have the distraction of an unhappy relationship and no 3 I have more tine to spend with them the way I want and how I want. It’s really wonderful.

For Christmas I made a snowman with my grandson. It made his day. Mine too! If I were still married I would have had to work around the ex’s wants and needs and probably wouldn’t have had these opportunities like I do now.

Just my experience strength and hope.

 
Tsultan

[JNChell]

Hey, Bluegill. 24 years. That’s a long time. Family runs deep, doesn’t it? I wanted that family too. My mind was set on it. Turns out, one mind wasn’t enough. At least not a mind that was cemented in commitment and another mind that couldn’t do that.

I wonder about her awareness as well. This is spectrum stuff. I believe that my ex knew what she was doing. It was her defenses kicking in. She was simply reacting. I was her trigger and she, mine.

I feel you on wanting to be alone. Actually, I’m forcing myself to be alone through my healing. I typically don’t do “alone” very well, so I need to learn how.

I’m glad that you’re finding your freedom. It’s really something, isn’t it?

[Tsultan]

JNChell, Family sure does run deep.

That is exactly what helped me detach from him. Knowing it takes two committed people. He just couldn’t plain and simple. Those words are helping me with my exBPDbf too. 

I don’t do alone very well either. I don’t like it at all. I think we were made to have a companion. I’m doing my best to live life on life’s terms.

I am determined however to NOT pick another person who is abusive and doesn’t have my interest in the equation.

BG

[Yellowpearl]

Yellowpearl, I’m sorry for my late response.

Maybe it’s the lack of closure. The normal “why”. The reasonable apology that would’ve made things so much easier. The normal closing with a kiss and a long embrace. A proper goodbye.

I understand the raised emotions upon finding out about someone else. Those feelings are awful. Physically and mentally. It hurts.

How are you feeling currently?

Hey JNChell, thanks for asking. I'm hanging in there. I realized how much he would have been bad and toxic for me all around and it's crazy how seeing him with someone else made me realize that and really start to detach from him. I'm really trying to take a hard look at myself and figure out why I tolerated his emotional abuse. Like you were saying about your ex, as lovely as it seemed at times, it's not the kind of love I want. I'm trying to figure out what kind of love I do want. I think that's what I need to look at, to find the right person eventually.

How are you doing?

[JNChell]

Hi, BG.  I think that you’re right in thinking that we should have a companion. It’s simple nature. I’m not minimizing anything when I say that men and women are a natural attraction. How else does the species survive? Also, it’s nice to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Ok, enough of that.

Living life on life’s terms sounds reasonable. Living life on your terms sounds agreeable. You’re at the helm. I’m not there yet, but many senior members here dictate their lives. With respect to where we may have come from as children, this can be a long journey.

I’m on a similar path to your’s. I don’t want those types of relationships anymore. I’m 42 and may never have another chance at love. The only thing that I really know right now is that I need to learn to be alone because that’s a real possibility for me.

I hope that you don’t mind me addressing you as Bluegill. Like I said, it’s my favorite fish. S4 and I will catch some during this upcoming summer. We’re going to make fish tacos.

Hang in there BG. Everything is going to be just fine.

[JNChell]

Hi again, Yellowpearl. You know, it’s easy to look at our exes throughout all of this. You, however, have taken the wise approach of looking at yourself. That’s very brave and commendable. What have you seen thus far?

I’m doing ok. Thanks for asking. Spending a Sunday with my boy is exactly where I want to be. 

[Tsultan]

JNChell,  Fish taco's, that sounds fun.  Try them with mayo and breadcrumbs fried in olive oil.   

What I mean by life and on life's terms is accepting the things we cannot change.  There are of course many things we can change.  Like the Serenity Prayer says.

45 years old is young.  For me now I have been focusing on being with friends and family to keep me from being lonely.  And my horse too.  So lucky.

I was doing really good for about 3 weeks and I started missing my exBPDbf last Friday a lot.  I was hoping I would run into him at the park and we could spend the afternoon together.  Then, tonight after the I took myself to a movie "The Mule", I drove by his house and saw his light on.  I confess.  I drove by his house. (boy that sounds kind of creepy) The thing I was thinking though was I really don't think he is the love of my life.  I can see that there will be another.  One that will be solid.  At least I am hoping if it's HP's will.  I'm 55 talk about old.  We shall see.  Nah, that whole dating on-line thing isn't for me. Again, trying to accept life on life's terms.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Well, the good news is even though I miss him I am not texting him.  I am just missing him though.  I'm just going to do what I have to do until I don't have to do it anymore.  Boy this grieving thing can be really slow a times. 

You are right.  We will be just fine.  You can call me bluegill - no worries.

The days are getting longer! 

Bluegill

[Yellowpearl]

JNChell, I agree with you. It's easy to just look at our ex's when it's really about us on the long run. When I think about it, I stayed because I think I had a lot of stress accumulate over the years and I wasn't completely happy with where I was in life. You know, you start to wonder if you're at where you should be, if your job was good enough, if you are good enough. Then it hit  me, he never really was there for me emotionally or invested in me properly, I instinctively knew it was going to be all or *mostly* about him. It was easier to spend time focusing on fulfilling somebody else's needs than worry about my own problems.

Then there's also when you're in situation that isn't exactly healthy, you just get kind of comfortable because you've known that person and you don't know what else is out there. I think I didn't really want to bother finding someone else because the unpredictable was scary. He was familiar. He reminded me of people I grew up with that weren't the best for me. I believe I settled for less. Now i'm really trying to dig deep and focus on myself for a while before I go out there and try to meet someone. I'm realizing you really have to know what you want before you jump into these things. I don't think I knew and I fell into it for a lot of reasons and it got comfortable.

[JNChell]

Hey, BG. Isn’t it really something when we miss them? Why? You know? Ruminating has been a big issue for me. I have a lot of trouble to not think about her. It’s getting better, but it’s also becoming annoying. I’m at a point where I look at other women and try to make small talk. At times, I feel like I’m cheating inside. I’m not fully detached.  I’m free to do what I want, it’s that feeling.

I share your feelings in having doubts about finding the love that will last. We share the fact that we don’t do being alone very well. Personally, that aspect has landed me in hot water before. I think that the only remedy to that is being alone long enough until I’m comfortable with it. Comfortable with myself. I think that the key is there. I could be wrong. I have been thus far.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,

I think you are right.  I need to be alone for awhile.  It is the first time I have been on my own my entire life.  I have always had either a room mate or a child to look after so this is kind of strange to me.  It is like taking my medicine that I know is good for me but I do not want to take it.  It is the financial part for me that scares me some.  I worry that I will not be able to take care of myself that way being a woman, and being 55 years old.  I am finding age discrimination alive and well in the workplace.  I will figure out a way.  I am resourceful and I always have figured out a way.  I am a solutions oriented thinker.

Honestly though, I have been on my own and quite lonely throughout my marriage so if I think about it, it was really an illusion that I was "together" with my exhb.  I was married 24 years second marriage.  After, thinking about it he may have some diagnosis on the BPD spectrum.  The whole Alcoholism traits and BPD traits sometimes run together for me.  It is possibly a spectrum thing but they do seem to go hand in hand sometimes.