Living a nightmare

[Morpheus21!]

I'm here because I have yet to find help in any other place.  I'm hoping to get guidance here from others who may have experienced what my daughters and I are going through.
Background:  In about 2011-2012, I was the father of three pre-teen girls. I was married and lived in FL.  I was a successful business executive and my wife was educated as a teacher and had been homeschooling the girls their entire lives.  At the time, I hadn't realized it, but my wife was starting to display some highly narcissistic traits and spend an increasing amount of time at the local church, neglecting the girls at home.  Through 2016, this trend continued (most of this is hindsight) until in January 2016, my wife walked out on the girls and I.  She left to sleep on a spare couch with people from the church.
There is so much to say here, I can't write it all, but by April 2016 we were divorced.
I moved to NJ to take another job, but was wiped out by the divorce, literally starting with nothing.
After 2 months, all three girls, now 16, 14, and 13 joined me in NJ, as their mother wasn't very interested in being a mom anymore (her behaviors made that clear).  Since I had been separated from the girls for a few months, I saw a lot in their behavior that was troubling.  My oldest was having trouble while I was in FL and I had taken her to a psychologist then, but only for a few sessions.  What I saw then was some small cutting on the knuckles and what I now know as dissociation.
I took her after about 2 months in NJ to get evaluated at a psych clinic and they wanted to admit her to Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) immediately. It was a  shock to my system: she had been depressed and acting strangely, but I had no idea what was to come.  She ended up staying in that program for 6 months, which was DBT focused (group) along with education for her to keep up with school.  
Her Mother came from FL to visit in December 2016 and my daughter made a suicide attempt the day after her Mother left.  The IOP proved worthless.  She was probably more unstable after 6 months of DBT than before she entered the program.
Fast forward to today... .I have thrown endless resources at Psychiatric (2) care, therapists (4) , along with a few more hospital trips. She is currently unmedicated and scraping her way through her senior year in HS.  However, she is a mess.
Her two younger sisters (and I ) have suffered immeasurably as she is completely unpredictable, says the meanest and nastiest things to all of us, and basically takes up part of our house like a squatter. She is like a feral dog much of the time.  To outsiders, she puts on a different face and comes off to most as quite likable.  We are trapped in a living hell.  On top of that, it is clear to me that my ex-wife was a borderline all along and she has been harassing me in court for more than 2 years.
I don't know what to do to discipline my daughter or set boundaries.  She has threatened numerous times to kill herself or one of us. I have unbelievable conflict over my sense to protect her versus getting her out of our lives so the other girls can grow up healthily.
Insurance doesn't seem to cover the kind of care I think may work (Schema) and I can't afford one of those Malibu style places, nor do I think it will work.  She has no skills.  She has nearly a gifted IQ and is an excellent writer, but much of her daily functioning is at the level of maybe an 8 or 10-year-old.  
It is so bizarre and confusing for me (and her sisters) and I am desperate for help.
There is so much more to add here, but maybe it is easier if you ask questions and I'll answer them.
Regards,
T

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Morpheus21! 

Welcome to BPD Family. I'm so sorry for what's brought you here but I'm glad you've found us. You've come here looking for guidance and we can surely help with that.

We are a peer-to-peer support group, loved ones who are learning together, supporting each other, living with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can feel very lonesome as I'm sure you're aware.

It seems like you've done so much to help your daughter, I'm so sorry you and her sisters are suffering with her unpredictable and mean behavior. Many here can relate to what you've shared and we are here for you, you are not alone.

What have you tried in the past in regards to boundaries? There's a lot of information here, tools we learn and use. It helps to get a good picture of what's been tried and the results.

I'm glad you're here.

~ OH

[Morpheus21!]

Thanks for your reply.
Boundaries I have tried to set.
Phone use:
She is constantly on her phone and does it to the neglect of anything else "normal" around the house, like helping with chores, etc.
She also stays up late some nights to all hours.
I have used taking away the phone as punishment. For example, she is tardy to school almost every day. I told her "if you are tardy again you'll lose the phone for 24 hours."
When I took the phone she went into an animalistic mode that, frankly, scares the crap out of me.  She sobbed and moaned and rocked back and forth and hid under a desk and it was just like a scene out of the exorcist.  This has happened many, many times.  She threatens to kill herself, telling me that she doesn't want to be here in the house with us but needs to be connected to people through the phone.  It's horrible.
As a single Dad trying to hold down a  job, I find it impossible to deal with that type of behavior. She'll come in my room at night and throw a fit if the internet is down, for example.
There are many other examples, but the phone is a hot button for sure.
Thanks

[Only Human]

Thanks for sharing more, Morpheus21!

I both love and loathe cell phones and can relate to your DD being on it constantly, same for my DD. I'd be scared as well if my daughter behaved in the way you described.

How do you (and her sisters) respond when she's acting out this way? Threatening suicide?

~ OH

[smallbluething]

That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you Morpheus 21. I am a newbie but the book I'm reading on this topic puts caring for yourself front and centre as the first step for dealing with BPD family members.

This must be very difficult being a single Dad of 3 but is there anything you can do to get a bit of 'me time'?

[medianeh]

I probably could have written your post (except for the divorce part). 

My dd is 26 (27 next month), but had exhibited the same behavior as your daughter when she was that age.  She's cut, experimented with every drug out there, and now drinks quite a bit. 

I wish I could tell you it gets better.  I felt the same way that you did.  So conflicted between wanting her to get better and helping her, to wanting her to move out and get away from her so that my son didn't think her behavior was "normal" - so to speak.  I hid all our sharp knives that I had in the house because I was worried about her stabbing us in the night when we slept.  It was that bad.  She also suffers with severe depression, and attempted suicide when she was 18. 

She ended up dorming her first year of college, then ended up having a couple apartments here and there over the course of the next couple years.  Failed relationships (she's a lesbian), and living with partners that clearly had second thoughts after they see how difficult she is to live with.  DWI #1 happened while she was living at home (she was 24 when she got that).  After income tax time and through my help, she got another apt.  This time she finally lives alone.  Then DWI #2 happened a year after the first one.  She never takes responsibility for her actions, and you know... .these 2 DWI's were the cops fault.  She blames everyone else for her problems.  She's been in and out of trouble, and we are at the point where we have pretty much detached with love. 

I have also recently started seeing a counselor for myself.  The counselor I see deals with borderlines.  Through his help, and learning how to deal with someone who has BPD, it has helped me tremendously. 

As of right now, my daughter is not on meds, not in therapy, and is self medicating with meth, cocaine, and alcohol.  For a bit, we were no contact (due to an argument we had), and she thought she was punishing me by pushing me away.  It was actually the best thing she did.  I've learned so much in the past few months about myself, boundaries I had to set, and realizing how much I enabled the bad behavior.  I am now on a new path myself, and have decided that I need to let her problems be her problems and not mine.  I'd love nothing more than for her to get help, but I can't want that more than she does.  I also have to let her hit rock bottom and ask for help. I have 14 year old son at home that still needs me, so by "keeping her in the gray area" (as my counselor tells me to do), it is so much less stressful.

I'm not sure I have any solid advice for you, but rather wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.  It's a roller coaster everyday, and each day will bring new challenges.

Keep  your head up, be strong, and do some research.  If you have to get help for yourself to learn how to deal with this - don't hesitate.  I've been dealing with this for nearly 9 years myself, and have just recently reached the point to where it was affecting me terribly, and I couldn't take it anymore.

If you haven't yet, definitely look into the book "stop walking on eggshells".  It's a great place to start... .

[Only Human]

smallbluething asks a great question - are you able to get some "me time"? You really have a full plate and we all need respite. We talk a lot about self-care here. As they say on the airplane, "put your own oxygen mask on first."

I work full time and am fortunate to be able to work 6 days per month at home. On my way home sometimes, I'll pull over at the park near my house to just sit, play a game on my phone, or call/text my BFF.

I second medianeh's book recommendation and encouragement regarding getting therapy for yourself. Finding a therapist who is familiar with BPD has been great for my mental health.

Hang in there, Morpheus 

~ OH

[Morpheus21!]

Thanks for sharing more, Morpheus21!

I both love and loathe cell phones and can relate to your DD being on it constantly, same for my DD. I'd be scared as well if my daughter behaved in the way you described.

How do you (and her sisters) respond when she's acting out this way? Threatening suicide?

~ OH

Hi - Thanks for your thoughts on all this.
When she is acting out, it always becomes a judgment call for me.  Some instances have led to trips to the psych ward. As her threats become increasingly ramped up in intensity, I think it will come to me throwing her out of the house (she's still in high school) or having her arrested.
I

[Morpheus21!]

smallbluething asks a great question - are you able to get some "me time"? You really have a full plate and we all need respite. We talk a lot about self-care here. As they say on the airplane, "put your own oxygen mask on first."

I work full time and am fortunate to be able to work 6 days per month at home. On my way home sometimes, I'll pull over at the park near my house to just sit, play a game on my phone, or call/text my BFF.

I second medianeh's book recommendation and encouragement regarding getting therapy for yourself. Finding a therapist who is familiar with BPD has been great for my mental health.

Hang in there, Morpheus 

~ OH

Thank you.  I have listened to the audiobook "eggshells" and many other related books.  I feel like my situation is more about resources than anything else. If I was still married, I feel like I could consistently implement some of the boundaries and step-wise plans that so many BPD books recommend. By the time I get home, I'm just so worn out and have no energy to engage my daughter.

As for "me" time, I have none.  The closest it comes is I will go from the office to get fastfood for lunch and sit in the parking lot of a nearby movie theater.  That's about 20 minutes of reflection time.

[Morpheus21!]

I probably could have written your post (except for the divorce part). 

My dd is 26 (27 next month), but had exhibited the same behavior as your daughter when she was that age.  She's cut, experimented with every drug out there, and now drinks quite a bit. 

I wish I could tell you it gets better.  I felt the same way that you did.  So conflicted between wanting her to get better and helping her, to wanting her to move out and get away from her so that my son didn't think her behavior was "normal" - so to speak.  I hid all our sharp knives that I had in the house because I was worried about her stabbing us in the night when we slept.  It was that bad.  She also suffers with severe depression, and attempted suicide when she was 18. 

She ended up dorming her first year of college, then ended up having a couple apartments here and there over the course of the next couple years.  Failed relationships (she's a lesbian), and living with partners that clearly had second thoughts after they see how difficult she is to live with.  DWI #1 happened while she was living at home (she was 24 when she got that).  After income tax time and through my help, she got another apt.  This time she finally lives alone.  Then DWI #2 happened a year after the first one.  She never takes responsibility for her actions, and you know... .these 2 DWI's were the cops fault.  She blames everyone else for her problems.  She's been in and out of trouble, and we are at the point where we have pretty much detached with love. 

I have also recently started seeing a counselor for myself.  The counselor I see deals with borderlines.  Through his help, and learning how to deal with someone who has BPD, it has helped me tremendously. 

As of right now, my daughter is not on meds, not in therapy, and is self medicating with meth, cocaine, and alcohol.  For a bit, we were no contact (due to an argument we had), and she thought she was punishing me by pushing me away.  It was actually the best thing she did.  I've learned so much in the past few months about myself, boundaries I had to set, and realizing how much I enabled the bad behavior.  I am now on a new path myself, and have decided that I need to let her problems be her problems and not mine.  I'd love nothing more than for her to get help, but I can't want that more than she does.  I also have to let her hit rock bottom and ask for help. I have 14 year old son at home that still needs me, so by "keeping her in the gray area" (as my counselor tells me to do), it is so much less stressful.

I'm not sure I have any solid advice for you, but rather wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.  It's a roller coaster everyday, and each day will bring new challenges.

Keep  your head up, be strong, and do some research.  If you have to get help for yourself to learn how to deal with this - don't hesitate.  I've been dealing with this for nearly 9 years myself, and have just recently reached the point to where it was affecting me terribly, and I couldn't take it anymore.

If you haven't yet, definitely look into the book "stop walking on eggshells".  It's a great place to start... .

Thank you for your story.
It is at once uplifting to me and crushing.
I used to have a little girl who I thought I knew, who I thought had promise for a bright future, and who I thought loved her family as we loved her.  None of that is true anymore and maybe it never was.
It is unbearable for me to think of her 10 years from now, living like your daughter. Is that even a life? If life worth living when you have no sense of yourself, have no real relationships, have no intimacy, and can't see a future because you're living in your head.
Many days in the last 2+ years I have thought very dark thoughts. For me, I have not only my daughter and her direct actions on my shoulders but 2 younger daughters being impacted and their estranged Mom, who's behavior is strikingly similar to my daughter's.  I have gone into debt with medical and legal bills, I have struggled to keep my job, and my health has deteriorated. 
I have found no real help from the Psych community - though spending countless resources on them.  The broader family doesn't really "get it." 
It seems a grim outlook.

[Only Human]

Morpheus,

Not many people "get it," and that's why I'm so glad to have found BPD Family.

You sound exhausted, hopeless, fearful for your daughter's future. You're doing this alone, it's no wonder you're feeling this way.

What type of resources are you looking for?

Morpheus, you have a whole lot of things going on in your life. My heart goes out to you as you find your way through this.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Morpheus21!]

Morpheus,

Not many people "get it," and that's why I'm so glad to have found BPD Family.

You sound exhausted, hopeless, fearful for your daughter's future. You're doing this alone, it's no wonder you're feeling this way.

What type of resources are you looking for?

Morpheus, you have a whole lot of things going on in your life. My heart goes out to you as you find your way through this.

>> >Thank you OH. I do feel completely alone.
The resources I need:
> a psychiatrist and therapist to work together with my daughter who understand BPD and I can afford!
> a little time off once in a while
> a plan for therapy and a plan if nothing else works
 

~ OH

[once removed]

hi Morpheus, i want to join the others and say

i can hear the pain in your post, and the toll all of this has taken/is taking on you.

experts will tell you that having a strong support system is critical, so im glad that you reached out. there is hope here. ive seen some of the worst of situations turned around in my years here.

a psychiatrist and therapist to work together with my daughter who understand BPD and I can afford!

have you looked into this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

[wendydarling]

Hi Morpheus21

Another (single) parent (UK) rolling up here in support with all to welcome and support you forwards.  

I'm breathing in and out with you, being mindful in this moment. As once removed says support groups are critical. Do you have friends, colleagues, family members? I needed a network to help me in crisis. Are there people in your community, locally or far a field you can reach out to? People are more than willing to help us, when we share, we ask for help.

For me that was the first step to helping myself, the first resource I needed, people who knew me and cared.

WDx

[Panda39]

Hi Morpheus,

You have taken on alot.  It's tough enough being a single parent without the support of the other parent but when one of your kids is showing BPD Traits it's 10x as hard.  I hear your exhaustion.   

I would start with some self-care on your part.  We often give the airplane analogy... .we are told when the airbags drop in an airplane that we should put our own mask on first and then help others.  Why because if we don't we can't help anyone because we are unconscious.  So I suggest this so you don't "pass out" or so you are better able to take the things on that you are faced with.  I also suggest this as a first step because this is something you can control, in a situation that likely feels out of control.

Self-care can be whatever works for you, it could be taking an extra 1/2 hour to yourself before going home in the evening to switch gears, it could be a few minutes of meditation before emerging from your bedroom in the morning, it could be doing an activity you enjoy, or escapism at the movies for a couple of hours or it could be a visit to a therapist for yourself once a month etc.

More on Self-Care... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0

Information on Taking a time out... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

Start with you, keep coming here, keep reading, keep talking and taking care of you.  As you do that then we can start taking on your daughter. 

It's great that you have been doing some reading on BPD and have a grounding in what it is, that knowledge will help.  What this site is really good at is support, everyone here "gets it", and practical help, tools, strategies and ideas, not in the abstract but as you are going through those situations with your daughter.

Can you tell us how you have responded when your daughter makes a suicide threat?

Panda39

[Mutt]

It is at once uplifting to me and crushing.
I used to have a little girl who I thought I knew, who I thought had promise for a bright future, and who I thought loved her family as we loved her.  None of that is true anymore and maybe it never was.

Maybe it is true and maybe things in the future will look up. It hasn’t been written yet.

Id like to echo the others about self care. My exuBPDw is incredibly difficult I’ve had court for the last few months. I’m a single dad although I don’t have the kids 100% of the time I have them half of the time. It has to be really tough to feel like you’re doing this on your own.

Something that can boost your mood, make you stronger, help with stress is working out. I started weight lifting almost four years ago because I wanted something that alleviates dress and makes me stronger physically and mentally.

What I like about working out is that this time for you - you’re not working, answering calls or emails.

[Morpheus21!]

Maybe it is true and maybe things in the future will look up. It hasn’t been written yet.

Id like to echo the others about self care. My exuBPDw is incredibly difficult I’ve had court for the last few months. I’m a single dad although I don’t have the kids 100% of the time I have them half of the time. It has to be really tough to feel like you’re doing this on your own.

Something that can boost your mood, make you stronger, help with stress is working out. I started weight lifting almost four years ago because I wanted something that alleviates dress and makes me stronger physically and mentally.

What I like about working out is that this time for you - you’re not working, answering calls or emails.

Thanks for your input Mutt.
I currently have no real time for myself. I would love to have some female companionship, but I think anyone would run screaming from my situation and I don't think I could lie to someone about it. On top of that, I was married 20 years and have no clue when it comes to meeting people in the modern era.
I like to do activities for my exercise, like long walks or hikes. When I was younger, I played a lot of soccer and loved to fish, photography.
Somehow, time and my current situation stripped all of those away.
I need the motivation to get out and do something for myself, but I just find it so hard as I am always exhausted.
All for now.
- Morp

[Mutt]

I know that's really tough when you're mentally depleted. Start small with 10-15 minute sessions and slowly work your way from there. It sounds like things are complicated right now - focus on yourself.

Go to the gym before work, go on a lunch break make the time for yourself, you'll gain energy, you'll gain confidence and self esteem, you'll project that confidence.  I'm sure that if you stick to a gym routine you'll find female companionship.

[zachira]

I am sorry for what you and your daughters are going through. It is so painful to have a daughter who is severely mentally ill, and then to experience how it affects you and your other daughters. What are all of her diagnoses? It should be a list, as it is generally rare to have one diagnosis when there is severe mental illness. It is important to have an understanding of what needs to be treated as the primary focus and how all her symptoms of mental illness are affecting her getting effective treatment. Not all clinicians are equally skilled in making the most accurate diagnoses, and every person with mental illness is unique in their own ways. Can you get hold of all her records from every mental health professional who has ever seen her and read the records so that you can get some ideas about what might be the next best steps to take? Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[incadove]

Hi Morpheus21 - welcome, and sorry to hear the intensely painful situation you are going through.  Its especially difficult when you feel that whatever you do you might harm one of your daughters.

I do think, that what you relate about her phone and internet use sounds very hopeful in being able to regain some control.  Since completely taking away the phone makes her desperate and out of control, what if you used a very small penalty - perhaps if she fails to do a specific chore, the Internet will go down for 1 hr OR until the chore is done.    This might allow you to provide a small consequence without escalation.  Let her know ahead what will happen, and then in one hour restore the Internet whether or not she has completed the chore.

By choosing a small consequence that is entirely under your control (you are choosing ahead of time that the duration will be brief, regardless of her actions), she can experience a consequence and the safety of it not escalating.  Just remember to be determined not to respond to any of her outrageous behaviors during that hour (or shorter if you deem that better).  That gives her the control to reduce the duration by doing her chore, or to not reduce it, but either way you have the power to enforce this small consequence in a way that does not escalate or feed into her power.  You can reassure her when it is down, that you will be restoring it at a specific time or sooner if the chore is complete.

Then if she does do the chore, praise her for that action and try to show genuine appreciation despite all the other negative behavior.  If you can get one small positive thing reinforce the heck out of it!

I don't think this will solve all the problems of course but if you can get one small ray of hope... .

Good luck with this, I really admire your dedication to your daughters!  

ps (the internet is better than the phone, because you can bring it down from your office without going into her space.  you can also change the password and quietly provide the alternate password to your other daughters in advance.)

[Morpheus21!]

I am sorry for what you and your daughters are going through. It is so painful to have a daughter who is severely mentally ill, and then to experience how it affects you and your other daughters. What are all of her diagnoses? It should be a list, as it is generally rare to have one diagnosis when there is severe mental illness. It is important to have an understanding of what needs to be treated as the primary focus and how all her symptoms of mental illness are affecting her getting effective treatment. Not all clinicians are equally skilled in making the most accurate diagnoses, and every person with mental illness is unique in their own ways. Can you get hold of all her records from every mental health professional who has ever seen her and read the records so that you can get some ideas about what might be the next best steps to take? Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

>> I'm cathing up on the board here today<<
Her diagnoses and symptoms went through a progression from age 12 or so (not all officially diagnosed):
Anorexia/Bulimia/Self Harm >> Clinical Depression + PTSD >> Suicidal attempts and ideation >> Psychosis/Detachment >> Bipolar + "behavioral issues" >> Bipolar + "BPD."
The BPD goes in quotes because the PDoc will discuss the BPD and acknowledge it, as will the therapist, but they don't want to put it down as the actual diagnosis, because of the stigma and lack of insurance support for treating BPD as a standalone issue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Morpheus21!]

Hi Morpheus21

Another (single) parent (UK) rolling up here in support with all to welcome and support you forwards.  

I'm breathing in and out with you, being mindful in this moment. As once removed says support groups are critical. Do you have friends, colleagues, family members? I needed a network to help me in crisis. Are there people in your community, locally or far a field you can reach out to? People are more than willing to help us, when we share, we ask for help.

For me that was the first step to helping myself, the first resource I needed, people who knew me and cared.

WDx

Honestly WDx, I have been so overwhelmed with trying to deal with my current situation that I have not developed a support group.  For the new year I have started acting on a strategy, part of which is to let my daughter (who is legally an adult at age 18 in the US) take responsibility for her actions. I think I have been quick in the past to jump in and help bail her out.  So, unshouldering some of that has helped, even in 1 week of trying it.
For the sake of my other daughters, what I really need is to find a way to get my oldest out of the house.  She is ruining their lives, as she seeks to sabotage their accomplishments as the pass her by in life.
This group is my only support so far from people who understand what I am talking about and don't think I am just a bad father or crazy.
Best regards

[Isanni]

THANK YOU! Your post stopped my tears and let me laugh because we have a similar daughter - with a younger one we worry about. Ours too freaks about my shutting down the internet when she doesn't follow rules, is now threatening to kill me and herself as usual, cutting non stop, running away. She was so abusive to me today, the house cleaner left in tears.
And we too are trying to get her out of the house. She's 15 but won't go unless I send her to a 60k private school in the same city as her older boyfriend. Won't go to therapy either even if I would consider  the school if the therapy team gives her the thumbs up.
 
Having a group helps but not in the moment where she's destroying everyone around her. I find having a therapist for myself helpful. I plan too to find someone expert in borderline to coach me. The books are helpful but the practices take repitition and it's hard to think when you're stressed out, being yelled at. I found Dr. Blaise Aguirre's book (Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents) and his videos (youtube) helpful in understanding what's going on with her. He also runs a clinic but she has to be willing to go - my kid is not. We tell my little one that her sister is suffering, has a disorder and that her behavior is not acceptable and that we are trying to help her with treatment. The little one is sometimes resentful - blaming me for not being able to control the 15-yr old, but I think this is natural. We try to spend as much quality and solo time with the little one as possible.

My heart goes out to you. I know it sucks!

[Only Human]

unshouldering some of that has helped, even in 1 week of trying it.

That's fantastic, Morpheus! I call that an act of self-care, letting go, freeing up time/energy for other things, thinks within your control.

Care to share more? We all benefit from success stories, what is working for other parents.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

For the new year I have started acting on a strategy, part of which is to let my daughter (who is legally an adult at age 18 in the US) take responsibility for her actions. I think I have been quick in the past to jump in and help bail her out.  So, unshouldering some of that has helped, even in 1 week of trying it.

That is great Morpheus. I am also doing much the same since the new year and also finding it is helping my own state of mind a lot. Part of it is letting go of any expectations I might have. If our expectations are low/non-existent then at least we won't be disappointed!

If this group gives you a space where you can vent and let off steam hopefully that can lift the burden a little too - sometimes to laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the behaviour can help. You are not a bad Dad at all, you're a really great Dad trying to do your best under very difficult circumstances.

I really hope for you that if you do find the burden lifting a little you'll be able to find the energy to start to do some more self care stuff, activities you enjoy, exercise, being in nature - whatever will hit the spot for you.