If you knew at the beginning

[Steps31]

Hi,
I recently tried to rekindle a romance, and since it had been years since we were together in that way, most of the time between was friendly and supportive love and sharing. I had forgotten about the borderline flareups and upon rekindling the romance, the flareup suddenly appeared and felt like a slap in the face and a stomping on my heart that pretty much put out the flame. I didn't know what I was dealing with and left very confused but knowing that I can't survive (let alone love) in that type of behavior.
Hours of reading and research has led me to this space... .and the behavior I encountered very much fits much of the traits and also the said effects on the non BPD, so I believe I'm in the right place.
My question is... .if you knew what you know now at the beginning of your relationship, what would you have done differently? Would you go forward with it, or back out?
(And yes, this is someone I feel I truly love. Just her for being her)
I just feel in a very tough place, and I'm reading the Stop Walking on Egg Shells book for more knowledge... .

thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Q-DawgVFR]

If I were to encounter her now, knowing the signs as I know them now, I would make different choices, certainly.  But I didn't have all the facts.  I could certainly play the what if game and ruminate about how it could have turned out differently.

That being said,  I am grateful for all life's experiences and I don't regret the path I've taken, as excruciatingly painful and frustrating as it has been at times.   I don't waste a lot of time thinking about "wasted time or efforts " as I there are lessons to learn and personal growth to come from my experience.   And it has given me three wonderful boys and a loving and supportive extended family on her side.

Would I use a rewind button if I had an opportunity to press it once, not knowing if the alternative path would be more rewarding in the long term?  Probably not.

[itsmeSnap]

It's like playing a casino game:

You don't know the outcome, you roll it hoping to win, you win a few times, you lose others. And yet you keep playing because there the "big prize" that's just out of reach, but if you keep playing you might eventually get it right?.

Now, you know that there's a "house advantage" and playing by their rules (going along their twisted thoughts and accusations, walking on eggshells) you are bound to lose in the long run.

But what if you had "one simple trick" that would stack the odds just ever so slightly in your favor, enough that now YOU are the one with the "house advantage". Sounds too good to be true right? And yet that is exactly what we seek.

To be real, you know you will still lose sometimes, but in the long run, you win more than you lose.

Having the tools provided here can help you "count your cards" and expect the next hand dealt. You won't get it right every time, but with practice it becomes second nature.

If you had those tools would you keep playing then?

For some that is not enough, sometimes you just want to spend your time at your 9-5 relationship and get that steady "love paycheck". Others will take the risk.

Don't mean to sound condescending to anyone looking for stability, just trying to keep the analogy going 

It's up to you to decide, every path is different and everyone's wants and needs are different.

As for me, I think I would play. Obviously don't make your life depend on it, just be ready for a losing streak every once in a while.

And yes, this is someone I feel I truly love. Just her for being her

People can get by no problem when they move on from such a relationship, but for just as many people, probably you included, the allure of the intense is intoxicating enough that others have compared it to an addiction, withdrawals and everything.

So it is what it is, love responsibly and take care of yourself.

[Steps31]

Thanks.
You make a lot of sense... .
Though I've given a lot of hard thought as to why I feel like I love her, objectively. I don't feel dependent or addicted. I just think we really connected when we were close. I've tried dating others and I've been no contact for a couple months now. Inside though, it feels like I could be missing something really special for both of us. Of course this might be the fantasy thinking... .
I've been doing a lot of work last year and have my own therapist. My mantras this year are self-love, courageous heart, and loving action.

[itsmeSnap]

Though I've given a lot of hard thought as to why I feel like I love her, objectively. I don't feel dependent or addicted. I just think we really connected when we were close

It's not like loving a pwBPD is inherently "wrong". Sugar is objectively addictive, we can all manage and crave a bit of sugar and even go long periods of time without, only when our relationship with it is "unhealthy" does it cause issues down the line.

Don't beat yourself up for loving or crushing on your ex, like I said, just love responsibly.

I've been doing a lot of work last year and have my own therapist. My mantras this year are self-love, courageous heart, and loving action.

Sounds great! have you run this situation through them (your T) to get their opinion on it?

[Steps31]

From the experiences I brought up to the therapist, I'm pretty sure she would hate that I pursue this relationship... .

[itsmeSnap]

From the experiences I brought up to the therapist, I'm pretty sure she would hate that I pursue this relationship...

And how are you feeling about it? obviously you posted on "bettering" and not "detaching" so there's that, there might something you're "missing" that's drawing you back to her even if you know how it developed (the flareups) in the past.

In our most vulnerable we tend to ignore the "flags" that tell us something is not quite so perfect. You probably already Identified those flags if you are aware of how you think your T would react.

Just reflecting a little on what you posted, food for thought so to speak 

[Coldfish]

I knew from the beginning that he had things going on. He told me two weeks into the relationship. I told him I didn't care. Then we just kept going. I had no idea what a bipolar individual even was let alone one with BPD. I guess we figure it out together... .

I do know that I love him. I love him exactly as he is. I accept him for how he is... I just wish for him to be happy.

He does seem to have this whole internal conflict thing going on, but he is a lot more relaxed around me too. He doesn't ask me all the time if I am going to leave etc.

The only thing I do wish is I had more time with him. I wish I had known him longer.

[MyBPD_friend]

I knew something was very wrong when we met.

If I had known what I know now I would have run away as fast as I could.
I did just that in April last year.

Glad she's gone.

[Ozzie101]

I'm not sure what I would have done. Playing the "if only I hadn't done this" game isn't particularly helpful. One can go crazy from what ifs. Also, even if you'd done something different, there's no guarantee things would have ended up better than they did. Different, maybe, but not necessarily better.

I love my husband. Always have. And there have been some wonderful things. I finally experienced what it's like to love and be loved in a romantic sense. We've had some great times and some fabulous trips. Looking back, though, there were some small warning signs that I dismissed or overlooked. Knowing what I know now, would I have married him? No. Probably not. Doesn't mean I want to turn the clock back. Then I would miss the good, too. But if I knew that I would be verbally abused and facing every day not knowing whether the slightest thing could set off a dysregulation, no, I wouldn't commit to the bad.

[Lost In Thought]

I have been married for 28 years and only recently found out that my wife may be suffering from BPD.   The fact that you have found out ahead of time can help you navigate much better through the relationship than someone like me who found out AFTER having so much conflict.

What I am learning is how to identify triggers and how to deal with them.   Had I known this all along, it is quite possible I wouldn't be here today.   I could have managed better, we could have done things differently etc.  

So if you truly love her, I wouldn't jump ship without understanding how manageable it can be for you.   From what I am learning, for some, they are highly functioning and it is a matter of a key word or a signal that you agree upon where you both take a break and cease the conflict.   For others, it may be unstoppable and even violent.  That all depends on both individuals in the relationship.

Learn as best as you can about how you both deal with it.  See if it is something you are willing to work with in your future.

Does she also recognize she may be suffering from BPD?

[Ozzie101]

Yes. The willingness of both of you to work on things can have a big impact. And learning the tools to use can really make a difference. But the question is: Is she willing to work on things? And is it worth it to you to put in all the effort? It's not easy.

[Lost In Thought]

Oz,

Is she willing to work on things? And is it worth it to you to put in all the effort? It's not easy.

Boy you hit that one on the nose!    That is where I am at today with my wife, but again, my case was after years of not knowing.

Good luck Steps31.   At least you are looking into what it all means.   Leverage this board and others to get informed as much as you can.

[goatclimbing]

It’s a very difficult question to ask anyone who’s been in a long term relationship. In my case 27 years.
If i’d known from the start here’s what I’d have done... .
- Sought couples and individual therapy much sooner and if she didn’t agree to work through her probs individually, ended it.
- Not got dragged into the cauldron with her. Her pain, not mine. My only job is to drag her out of the cauldron when she’s having an episode.
- Put myself first not her. Set boundaries and not run after her.

It can be worth it but do the work up front not at the end like so many of us here. And seriously think about pursuing someone who may not be capable of sustaining an intimate relationship.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea.

[Steps31]

Thank you all so much.
Really helps to identify with other stories and lots of food for thought here... .I tend to do a lot of chewing.
The first relationship I had with this person lasted about 6 months and much of it was pure hell to me (ha ha) and I didn't know what I was dealing with.
After we broke up, we later became friends and for years and years I only knew her as a friend and this is the person that I love, as she is. I had forgotten about all the suspicion and mistrust and impossible demands. I realize now the more I read, that this is brought about after the romantic element is switched on. It makes more sense now. So I've had some experience with it and I know it's not easy. It's exhausting just reading through all these forums and books and youtube videos, and I'm not even talking to her right now. I guess I'm doing all this work (and not just regarding her) to find my happiest existence.