Visit To Mom In Nursing Home

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Got back this afternoon and after working for about 3 hours, stupid internet is down again.  Grrr.

We went to see my mom Monday morning.  Three good thing is that she's walking around unaided.  She only kind of recognized who we were though.  After a while, she introduced me to one of the nurses like, "this is my son... .Jay." That was my birth name when she adopted me in 1974. She changed it to "Turkish" soon after.  Funny how the brain works.  She responded to the kids, and they were great.  I think they understood her mind was somewhere else. 

We managed to walk her to the lounge to sit with us.  Often I couldn't understand what she was saying, sounded like tongues. We hung out for maybe 40 minutes then left.  We all hugged her goodbye.  I'm not sure how much she was aware.  It looked like she was being taken care of though.  It was sad... .I guess that's how I feel about it.  I can't help but think how much those last years of isolation and extremely unsanitary living conditions (like black mold) ate away at her brain earlier than it should have.  Her elder brothers both lived into their 80s and didn't show signs of severe dementia. 

[Turkish]

Got back this afternoon and after working for about 3 hours, stupid internet is down again.  Grrr.

We went to see my mom Monday morning.  Three good thing is that she's walking around unaided.  She only kind of recognized who we were though.  After a while, she introduced me to one of the nurses like, "this is my son... .Jay." That was my birth name when she adopted me in 1974. She changed it to "Turkish" soon after.  Funny how the brain works.  She responded to the kids, and they were great.  I think they understood her mind was somewhere else. 

We managed to walk her to the lounge to sit with us.  Often I couldn't understand what she was saying, sounded like tongues. We hung out for maybe 40 minutes then left.  We all hugged her goodbye.  I'm not sure how much she was aware.  It looked like she was being taken care of though.  It was sad... .I guess that's how I feel about it.  I can't help but think how much those last years of isolation and extremely unsanitary living conditions (like black mold) ate away at her brain earlier than it should have.  Her elder brothers both lived into their 80s and didn't show signs of severe dementia. 

[Harri]

Happy New Year Turkish.  I've been wondering how your visit went. 

It is sad.  I'm not sure there is anything else to say. 

What would you say to her if you could say anything and know she would remember it?

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish

I am glad you and your kids went to visit grandma wolf. This way they'll have more memories of their grandmother  Were you perhaps able to take some pictures of all of you together?

It is sad indeed that your mother wasn't fully aware of things. Did the nurses say anything more about this? How have they experienced your mother these past few months?

[Turkish]

I didn't ask the nurses any questions.  I don't think they would hee added much to my observation.  The kids felt positive about the visit,  of which I'm glad.  I thought it might be weird to take pictures given her state.  Truthfully,  and I feel badly about saying this,  I didn't want to be there.  I hope my kids do better by me if I get that way,  keeping in mind they'll be ten years younger than I am now of I reach that age.  Her 76th birthday well be on the Ides of March. I should go visit,  with or without the kids. 

[Harri]

Truthfully,  and I feel badly about saying this,  I didn't want to be there.

I hear you.  I understand not wanting to be there and feeling bad about saying it too.  Those feelings are not easy to reconcile and I am not even sure it is possible to do so.  You acted according to your values and you brought your kids to see your mom. 

You have so much goodness in you.  Truly.  I just read what you wrote in the thread on compliments where your mom said "they don't know the real you" and it just breaks my heart that she could not treasure the real you without projecting her own stuff on you.  I hurt mostly for you but for her as well. 

  

[Turkish]

Well that was 31 years ago.  She wasn't Mommie Dearest at all,  though the homelessness and associated drama wasn't fun.  Think she didn't often know how to be to me because she had such horrible mirrors in her childhood.  "I think I might have crossed the line into maybe abusing you when you had that seizure at 15... ." She told me at 36. Her experience of abuse was far worse. 

In retrospect,  I see a little girl who was orphaned at 12 (her mouthy)  and then at 14 (her likely ASPD, BPD father), emancipated at 16 after living with her elder sister and her husband which is admirable... .but she never really functioned in life well. 

[Kwamina]

I thought it might be weird to take pictures given her state.

I understand, the most profound pictures are taken in the heart, mind and soul anyway so I guess that part's already covered

Was it mainly seeing your mother in her current state that made you not want to be there? Or was it (also) the memories of how she lived her life and treated you?

... .but she never really functioned in life well.  

But she did mother a wolf which is quite amazing for a human. Sending you some (again very discrete) parrot hugs

[Turkish]

I think I am still angry that this turned out as it did,  which I saw dining over 15 years ago. 

Also,  seeing her in her current state.  I talked to my neighbor,  who is just turning 70, yet seems like she's going on 60. My mom is turning 77 on the Ides of March.  It's a shocking contrast both physically and mentally.  The neighbor asked, "is it Alzheimer's?" I said no.  Then the neighbor said,  "maybe from her being alone for so long." I said probably,  and the black mould and filth she lived in for so many years."

Minus the filfth and hoard,  it makes me rethink my retirement fantasy to my compound in Idaho by myself in 15-17 years... .being isolated and alone may be a way of escaping drama,  but it may not me healthy to be alone. I did it in my late 20s moving out of state,  but in my 60s, maybe not as good an idea. 

[Kwamina]

... .being isolated and alone may be a way of escaping drama,  but it may not me healthy to be alone. I did it in my late 20s moving out of state,  but in my 60s, maybe not as good an idea.  

Also, even when they are all grown up, your kids still need The Incredible Wolf around. Once you have a title like that, it stays with you, with great wolves comes great responsibility

It is what it is with your mother. She ultimately was still responsible for all her choices, unfortunately she made some very unwise and irresponsible choices. You did the best you could do, with what you knew and were able to deal with. You still are there for her as best you are able to be and I think you taking your kids there again was a huge and very important thing to do, for your mother even if she's in this state, and also for your kids who do know their grandmother. And also for you, you're breaking the cycle even if it might not always appear so to you and at the same time you are connecting the past and present to open a new future by bringing the baby wolves to see grandma wolves. You are creating part of the sense of family you have been looking for yourself by bringing three generations of wolves together, perhaps what you were looking for all these years was inside of you all this time. That's how the Board Parrot feels about things

Take care wolfie

[Turkish]

I whimped out today. 

I have three days off with the kids on their winter break.  We drive to the mountains yesterday,  took them to the snow, which eat too far up the road, and had dinner with two sets of friends.  After breakfast this morning with one friend,  we drove back home rather than 45 minutes north to the nursing home. 

I told my buddy that I was thinking of just going home (S has a royal appointment in the morning so we couldn't stay another night) and he said,  "it's up to you." No help! I didn't promise the kids we were going to visit her.  Visiting her would have been the right thing to do and I chose not to. 

When we visited in January, she really didn't know who we were and I had to direct her to even walk with us.  She responded but mostly stared. She interacted better with staff and other patients.  It was like a bad blind date.  So what's the point if she doesn't get anything out of it that I can really see?

I thought about not posting this,  but I felt the need to be honest, even if I'm an 

When I brought her back to her Hoard almost three years ago,  I thought that would be the last I saw of her... .much like when I was 18 and she told me to "just go!" When me and my buddy with his truck were there to help her save some things from her storage which was foreclosed upon,  I thought,  "I don't need this  or her" (I had already moved out) but at the time thought, "I'm all that she has. I can't abandon her." Even though she'd find a number of "replacement kids" in the many years after that day in 1990, all of them dysfunctional and a few dangerous. 

Now she really doesn't have anybody and I've abandoned her. 

[Kwamina]

Now she really doesn't have anybody and I've abandoned her.  

You last visited her in January... .….of this year. That's just 1 month ago. Doesn't really sound like you have abandoned her to me

I think it's ok not to visit her every time you are up there. You had a good time I think having dinner with two sets of your friends and taking your kids to see the snow.

I was planning to visit my mother on Sunday (hadn't told her yet), but I didn't because when I talked to her on Saturday her voice was 'off' again, anxious, paranoid and bordering on depression. After a very long week at work, this was not something I wanted to deal with this weekend as I needed to re-charge a bit, so I didn't visit her.

[zachira]

Turkish,
It such a different story when we have a mother who abused us and we take care of her in her old age. Children who help a wonderful parent are often glad to give back. With a parent who abused us, there are many mixed feelings. We have to do what is best for us, our children, and balance wanting to help/not help our parent, not treat the parent like he/she treated us. You are doing a great job of noticing and expressing your feelings about your mother. It is challenging not to feel bad, because you are a caring person, and indeed if your mother had treated you right, you would likely do anything for her. Unfortunately, you have to set strict boundaries with her, and it is hard when you wish in your heart that you loved her enough to want to do more for her.

[Harri]

While I don't think the choice you made makes you an  or means you have abandoned her, I do understand the feelings.  I struggled too when my mom was still alive and I chose not to visit or spend time with her. 

I whimped out today.

How can you reframe this to a more realistic version?  One where you are not putting yourself down for making a choice that was right for where you were?  None of this is easy.  None of this is going to be painless.  It is a matter of making choices and being okay with those choices to the extent we can right? 

She interacted better with staff and other patients.

What did this mean to you?  You mentioned it here so I assume it is significant, beyond your question "So what's the point if she doesn't get anything out of it that I can really see".  Am I reading too much into this?  Did it hurt to see her interacting with others instead of you and the kids?  Was it something else? 

 

[Turkish]

It felt a little weird that she interacted with everyone there rather than us, but then she's there 24/7. I knew her worst fear was ending up in a place like that.  She thought I'd put her in a place like that.  She worked skilled care for the elderly from my teens on.  Being a single mother,  I spent many nights in those places on cold vinyl couches, the only thing to entertain me reader's digests.

I was talking to a friend today about the property. My mom suggested 20 years ago to put it in my name but then told me that while she thought I was moral,  that she'd head of elderly parents who did that and were kicked out by greedy kids.  Yeah, that hurt. Then why even mention it? Not to mention that it indicated that she didn't know me. 

Yet in the mid 00s, she talked about adopting the 27 year old mother of the Traveler-like family that she moved in.  They definitely were salivating over the 5 acres.   Ended up rescuing her from them,  her "daughter" and "grandchildren," which was also insulting. 

I feel kind of badly for talking like that as those things don't seem really hurtful compared to most of the stories here. 

[Harri]

It felt a little weird that she interacted with everyone there rather than us, but then she's there 24/7.

Exactly.  Objectively this is a good thing for her adjustment and overall health.  Subjectively, I can see how this would hurt especially because she used her fear of being in such a place to accuse you and abuse you emotionally.  What she did was emotionally abusive.  Of course it hurt... .maybe especially because, like you said, that means she never knew you.  That is heart breaking Turkish and one of the worst things a parent can do to a kid.  To not see you for the precious, lovable, loving, loyal and generous person you are?   

that she'd head of elderly parents who did that and were kicked out by greedy kids.  Yeah, that hurt

Of course it hurt.  It cuts right to the heart of who you are.  I heard similar and I think I know you pain.  I can tell you I still ache when I think about it more so than I do with most other things that happened.   Pain to the body, in whatever form, is nothing compared to having your character assassinated by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and someone who claims to know you. 

Don't compare stories.  It is all bad and it is all abuse.  there is no contest right?  Talking about it is important and takes a great deal of strength.  I know it is not usual for you though so I don't want to push... .well, not too much anyway.  heh heh     Can you imagine doing to your kids what was done and said to you?  Can you see how they might feel and be affected by it?  Why would it be any different for you?

Your mother was disordered in ways that are not so apparent now.  Does that change anything for you?

[Turkish]

Character assassination is a good way to put it. I'll own "living in sin" and spawning puppies, but the other things,  like telling me over 40 that I need to go back to school (communicating I'm a loser and haven't done anything), is like a paper cut with lemon juice.  I suppose that's why my ex's similar criticisms of me pissed me off.  Who's the one with the high income paying child support?

Yeah, I can't  imagine doing or saying to my own kids half the crap my mom did,  though she did some things right.  It hurts me to even consider it. 

[Harri]

   I am sure you know I do not want you in pain, but this is hurtful stuff T and I am glad you are talking about it.  Think of this stuff happening to your kids the next time you start to minimize or compare your childhood to others.  Maybe that can be a good reality check for you.

Living in sin and spawning puppies sound like the title of a rap song.   Differentiation is needed here.  Your mothers opinions do not define you nor do her values determine your worth.  Knowing this intellectually is one thing.  Emotionally it is something else entirely.  Even with the latter, I don't think such comments or remembering them will or even should be painless.  We are human and vulnerable and the mother-child / parent-child relationship is one of, if not the most, intimate there is. 

Your ex... .I know you have been here long enough to know that we will try to solve old issues and heal old hurts with new or present relationships.  I am not surprised that your ex said similar cutting things to you, though it angers me to no end that she did so. 

Yeah, I can't  imagine doing or saying to my own kids half the crap my mom did,  though she did some things right

. My mom did some great things for me when i was a kid and even as an adult.  It does not change the fact that she abused me.  Letting the good outweigh the bad is like saying I took care of the car I just totaled due to bad driving  because I put gas in it and changed the oil.   

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey T wolf, 

I'm hearing you, the self blame and shaming. Somewhere in the middle of all that is a young wolf pup who is feeling abandoned by the pack to which he thought he belonged. He howls at the moon in sadness because he wants to be loved and cared for, just for being the young pup he is.

Are you able to follow my analogy? You are the one who is hurting, and even though your mom has no clue mentally, It still is so darn painful because you aren't really ready for her to abandon you. You still do what you can, and you would do more if it were not outside of the boundaries you must place around your heart to protect.

It's not at all what we wish for by any means. Comfort that young cub inside you and when you are able, you'll go see her. You are grieving for you and your mom and what you never had and what you are losing.

 
Wools and Lil' Woolite