Sister wants to meet with me

[CaryCanary]

My sister was recently hospitalized.  She has had strokes and heart attacks in the past. She is a chronic complainer. I listen about the physical and emotional pain she’s in. She refuses any suggestions to help resolve anything so I listen. I call her on my way to work which gives us 30 minutes. Every time I offer to get together she has an excuse. We live in the same town so I’ve stopped asking.
She was hospitalized for internal bleeding and I told her I’d come visit but she said “no”. I did visit anyway to talk to head nurse and to stop in to just say “hello “. I left shortly later. After I left, she sent me mean screaming text messages about what a horrible sister I am. She said she wanted to meet with me to tell me all the horrible disappointing things I’ve done. She said she was told by her doctor her health issues are caused by stress and she needs to confront people and get things off her chest. I told I’d meet with her as long as there is a third party present.
I think her issues with me are made up, unfounded and I don’t want to be her punching bag. She says she doesn’t want a thing party and doesn’t know where to go with our relationship. This is all through text messages. HELP!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry to hear about your sister.  Has your sister always been this way?  How was your relationship when growing up?

Do you know what kind of doctor it was who told her to get things off her chest?  If it was a therapist, could you get together in their office?  You could also meet some place public where there would be other people and less of a chance of things getting out of hand.

Thoughts?

[zachira]

I am sorry your sister is treating you so badly, particularly when she is in ill health. I too have been the punching bag of my sister for my whole life, and know what it is like to be blamed for all kinds of things that have nothing to do with you. It really hurts to be treated like this by a sister, when you would like to have a loving relationship. It sounds like you want to repair your relationship with your sister as much as possible, because of the kind of person you are, and you worry about her dying and would like to end things on a positive note as much as that is possible. You are doing the right thing by insisting on bringing a third party when you meet with your sister. I have found with my mother and siblings who have BPD and NPD, that having others present who are not part of the immediate family really makes them behave better as they don't feel comfortable acting badly in front of those they want to impress. Do what is right for you, as you want to have as positive memory as possible in case your sister passes on, because ending things on a bad note can really hurt for a long time even though you have done everything to repair the breaks in respectable communication. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[CaryCanary]

Thank you for your sensitivity to my situation.  She has gotten worse over the past few years with accusations toward my husband as well.  She has made up things about him and tried to turn other family members against him. The other members of the family thinks she's wrong.
Thank you for the idea of meeting in a public place because this may be an answer since there is no one who can be the third party she would be comfortable with.  The reason being is that no one should know besides her and I what her "issues" are with me.  This is her thoughts, not mine.
I will have to reach out to her because if I don't and time goes on, her thoughts will just get worse.

[zachira]

I am wondering what your thoughts are about what kind of public place you are thinking of choosing to meet with your sister. Some types of places convey a need to be more respectful than others, like a school, religious/spiritual setting. What would you like to tell your sister, even if she is unlikely to hear it?