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Author Topic: Introduce yourself  (Read 3465 times)
Longterm
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #30 on: September 09, 2019, 07:17:47 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

  What is the type of relationship?

Parents, grandparents, brothers, ex.

What is the status of the relationship?     

Parents, grandparents all dead, brothers disowned, NC.

  How is the current status working for you?

I wish my parents were here to answer questions, NC with brothers (5yrs) works for me, I do not see this changing.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one? 

With my brothers, to simply stay away. With other family, acceptance and understanding.

How would you categorize your loved one? 

Mother- low functioning, possible BPD (ouch)
Father- alcohol dependent, high functioning, physically and mentally abusive.
Grandmother- evil
Brother 1- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism and sociopath
Brother 2- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism
Brother 3- low functioning, paranoid schizophrenic (deceased-suicide).

What do you struggle with yourself? 

Very traumatized (CPTSD). Low self worth/esteem, low confidence, seek validation from outside, dissociation, core shame, denial.

  What are your goals at bpdfamily?

To help my children not to make the same mistakes, to put a stop to generational dysfunction, to learn and grow, to gain knowledge and experience, to understand, to come to terms, to accept.

LT.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
TelHill
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 526



« Reply #31 on: September 10, 2019, 07:03:39 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Daughter of BPD mother. She was officially diagnosed 5 yrs ago. 25 years ago my therapist at the time thought my abusive mom might have bpd.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Flip-flopping from NC to LC as an adult. Past few years have been pt care giver.  Went full contact until recently. Trying to be LC while care giving.

How is the current status working for you?
It's the best I can do with elderly, scared to die, parents. Have a much older brother who refuses to help -- not happy with that. He's been just as bad as bpd mom with his disdain of me throughout my life.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Keeping a balance: Knowing when to stay LC and when to reach out to offer a little support and affection. 

How would you categorize your loved one?
Never satisfied with anything - herself, others or objects. Controlling and manipulative.  Great with put downs of my looks and personality. Extremely depressed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-care.  Finding suitable friends. Setting boundaries with bpd mom who wants me with her 24/7 and has rages when I leave to go home.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Giving and finding support to other who have been traumatized by a bpd family member.  Making some headway with my struggles above.

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Funsized04

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 3


« Reply #32 on: September 17, 2019, 07:03:36 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Sister In Law SIL

What is the status of the relationship?
Low contact, lives in our home.

How is the current status working for you?
Working for now.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Manipulation, lying, rages.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She has been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have seen the bipolar symptoms but that doesn't explain her anger, and rages. Nothing anyone does is good enough. She is a perfectionist and if she organized something you better put it back the way it was or she'll be upset.

What do you struggle with yourself?
We just moved to a new state after living 10 years in the previous one I had friends, a support network. Once we moved I became depressed. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to find a job. I was raised as a Catholic, but lean towards the spiritual. I enjoy learning about different religions. I do my best to stay positive, I listen to positive affirmations, I love and read and follow Louise Hay, and Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer, and listen to Kelly Howell.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn how to live with this BP. How to react to the BP. To change how I react to the actions of the BP and to have better reactions.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2020, 04:03:18 PM by Harri » Logged
Tsultan
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 159



« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2019, 08:30:34 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother, sister and exbf.

What is the status of the relationship?  
Mother has passed.  Sister I have limited contact. We talk on the phone about once a year.

How is the current status working for you?
It's pretty good.  She drains my energy.  It's usually all about her and I end up doing most of the listening.  I don't trust sharing my feelings with her b/c she has a habit of talking to others about my business.  

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I wish I could have a closer r/s with her.  I feel connected but I have to be reserved.  I wish she didn't drain my energy.  

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sister has been diagnosed with BPD.  She went through intensive therapy and she did improve her behavior a lot but occasionally will disregulate and acts out on her abandonment feelings and end up hurting others.  Mother was never diagnosed but I think she had moderate to severe at times BPD traits.

What do you struggle with yourself?
The effects of being raised by two BPD care takers.  Neither of them were emotionally available growing up.  My mom was a rager.  She slammed cupboards and things.  I was not physically abused but emotionally abused by her with her silent treatment towards me.  It was very painful.  I ended up marrying someone who did the same thing she did to me and put up with it for waaaay too long.  I am kind of mad at myself for doing that.  I focused a lot of my childhood trying to make my mom happy.  Consequently, didn't learn how to take care of my own needs.  That has improved since going Al-anon meetings on a regular basis for many years.  I sometimes wonder if I have some traits myself.  I have not had healthy r/s's.  I have a tendency to pick men who are abusive.  Particularly emotional abuse.  I have not met anyone since my break up with with my exUBPDbf.  That was about 1 year and 4 mos ago.  I am kind of anxious about dating again but I think this time I will pay attention to the red flags.  It's been a pretty rough road for me as far as the male r/s end of things.  I definitely will be friends only for a period of time.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily? It offers support when I struggle with missing my exUBPDbf.  It's a good reminder to me when I read how others are struggling to be grateful that I don't have that stress in my life any more.  I would like to give back to others the support that I received but I feel that I don't often have the words to be helpful.
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Jemiina
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1


« Reply #34 on: October 24, 2019, 04:02:44 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
 - My sister.

What is the status of the relationship?  
- We are in contact few times a week and we live in the same city.

How is the current status working for you?
- Not well, her behavior is effecting my well being and starting to became hard to handle.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
- Her constant self harming, constant suicide attempts.

How would you categorize your loved one?
- Diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
- This situation has been going on for years, but few days ago she tried to kill herself again. She spend few days at the mental hospital. Somehow this affected me more than usually and I had kind of a breakdown. I got overwhelmed with everything and couldn't sleep for days and I had to take some sick leave.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
- I wish to learn and find a ways to cope with this situation. I wish to talk to people who have similar situations.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 10:03:58 AM by Harri » Logged
Methuen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1732


« Reply #35 on: October 24, 2019, 11:58:53 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
mother

What is the status of the relationship?  
Currently full contact, as she's 83, had a recent fall with fractures, and I've been involved in a lot of meetings setting up community care supports for her so that I am less tempted to get sucked down the rabbit hole of FOG to do everything for her that community care supports can do.  She of course is resisting these supports.  Last summer I was NC for over 3 weeks, and then LC until her fall.

How is the current status working for you?
OK at times, and not OK at other times.  It's a roller coaster.  A lot of survival mode.  I've noticed my wellness is tied to my mom's wellness on any given day.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting boundaries, FOG, less JADEing, radical acceptance...forgiveness, all as my mom's failing health progresses.  My cognitive self understands these things, but my mom is always one step ahead of me and never fails to find new ways to disrupt my life.  I also feel like she deep down hates me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
High functioning uBPD Waif, with an occasional dash of Queen and the smallest pinch of Hermit.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Radical acceptance that the mom I always thought I had, never existed.  It all hit me this summer like a jackhammer.  I always thought I was pretty well adjusted.  Accepting my new real mom and all that goes with that is a painful process.  I resent her, I resent being trapped by her, and I resent having to care for her (she's an 83 yr old Waif).  I'm struggling with a lifetime of memories and resentments, and in awe of my deceased father who was a caring and hard working family man.  Because she was high functioning, I feel like nobody in the community who knows us has a clue.  I can only hope they have eyes to see with, and ears to hear with.  She's pretty "special".  I fear being judged by other people in case mom leads them to think I don't do enough for her.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Stop feeling so alone.  Learn and process.  Move on.  Feel less guilty.  Let go of the resentment.  Learn to detach.  
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Ramhorn

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 4


« Reply #36 on: October 25, 2019, 08:20:31 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
uBPD/NPD Dad

What is the status of the relationship? 
Estranged.

How is the current status working for you?
Well.  I mourned the loss for a long time. I tried a casual meet up but I hated having to remind myself who he actually is, once it was over. I don’t feel like doing that all the time.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
n/a

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD or uNPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression and anxiety. Perfectionism. Shame. Needing to be the solution. Self-sabatoge.
I don’t know how to love myself. I have a terrible view of myself. Avoidant Attachments. Motivation.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Really just looking for more tools to put on my metaphorical belt. I’ve been walking the path to freedom for a couple years now. Someone in a therapy group told me to look into BPD fathers and long story short, here I am.

My main goal is to get healthy. I want to be able to be successful. I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to be able to be relied on. I want to be able to do this work so my kids don’t have to. 
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narcdaughter2

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 19


« Reply #37 on: October 28, 2019, 03:06:14 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
mother with BPD/narcissism, 2 of 3 sisters with narcissist/bpd tendencies.

What is the status of the relationship? 
limited contact with mother and narc/bpd siblings

How is the current status working for you?
Very well.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My sisters are trying to pressure me into doing care taking duties for my aging mother which I am not willing or able to do.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother's is undiagnosed BPD, and was very abuse.  Her crazy behaviors have mellowed, and she is no longer abusive, but now she is elderly and frail, and losing the ability to be independent.  My youngest sister, who is domineering and grandiose, is trying to control the situation (from a distance, she lives in another state), and set up medical interventions for our mother, and trying to get me to be physically involved in all this.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I want to learn to set boundaries in a calmer fashion.  I want to get over the fear of making people in my family mad at me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to learn to set strong healthy consistent boundaries with my mother and siblings.
I want to get over all fear, obligation, and guilt.
I want to get over the fear of making other people mad at me because that makes it tough to set healthy boundaries.
Overall, I want emotional detachment from these people. 
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RubyDooby
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Some Contact/Fragmented
Posts: 1


« Reply #38 on: December 16, 2019, 06:50:04 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
I strongly suspect my mother is uBPD as well as my brother, but my issues are primarily with my mother. I've spent my life trying to understand my mother's behavior without any resolution. Then, thanks to counseling, I began learning about BPD (something I had never heard of before) and I've spent the last 6-7 months researching it. I'm wholeheartedly convinced my mother is a waif/hermit mother. My father is the typical passive parent married to a BPD who doesn't have a spine, and wouldn't stand up for us ever, even in our darkest moments.

What is the status of the relationship? 
The relationship goes in and out of no contact. The most recent period of no contact was about 6 months long. These periods of no contact really emotionally impact my brother is a very negative way, so I do my best to remain in contact, even if it is superficial. I also struggle with my relationship with my father. His passivity by default creates no contact with him, even though my issues are mostly with my mother.

How is the current status working for you?
It causes me some anxiety. I bounce between the idea of wanting to have a relationship with my family and the reality of knowing it will never be healthy or normal. I am getting better through therapy at coming to terms with this. With that, with resumed contact, I am working on limited, managed communications and I am hoping it makes a difference.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her inability to see responsibility in anything she does.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Needy, lonely, manipulative, emotional, illogical

What do you struggle with yourself?
Coping with the idea that my family is not normal and that it never will be - that I will never have a loving and happy family like the ones I see on TV.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find comfort in knowing I'm not alone (which I felt for decades), and any advice or ideas to help cope with these issues in a healthy and productive manner.
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Choosinghope
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 97


« Reply #39 on: December 16, 2019, 04:18:32 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
I think that my mom is at least close enough to BPD for me to be at my whit's end, even if she doesn't check all the boxes.

What is the status of the relationship? 
We have been NC for about a month. She said that she is done with me, but I strongly suspect that I will have to decide pretty soon if we are going to continue NC when her current episode passes. I am strongly leaning toward NC for at least 6 months to give me time to heal and figure out how to protect myself.

How is the current status working for you?
I am so sad and feel a little bit ripped in half, but at the same time more at peace than I have been for years. I feel free to be myself and enjoy my own life. It's awesome Smiling (click to insert in post)

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not letting her words, beliefs, and unpredictability affect my marriage and my opinion of myself.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sometimes a wonderful person, sometimes so hurtful, confusing, and illogical that I have a hard time reconciling her two sides.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not letting fear of her control my life.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To come to terms with something I have struggled with for years, to heal, and hopefully achieve a healthy relationship with my mom, in time.
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Lloyd Christmaz

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 5


« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2020, 03:36:54 PM »

What is the type of the relationship?

Adult survivor/Adopted Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 

Have terminated all contact with her, siblings, and all extended Family member of my adopted mother.

How is the current status working for you?
I feel like I am isolating. I find I have a lot of dysfunctional thoughts of worthlessness. The effects of my trauma are affecting my family life with my husband.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My biological sister and mother are still in a relationship with her.  I am always worried I will see them out and about. She financially ruined me. I am emotionally drained.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is like the Don of a mafia family. If you do something she doesn't like, you're ostracized. If you do something that really makes her happy she will let you in. She can pit the whole family against you because it is better to be in than out. She can be charming but she is truly an evil woman. I left before she had a chance to kick me out.

She also, wouldnt let my husband, the father of my child, to any family functions. When my daughter began crying because daddy couldn't come to Christmas...I left

What do you struggle with yourself?
I dont believe in myself. I go into crisis quickly. I always feel like people will abandon me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I do not plan to ever reconcile. I just want to grow as a mom, spouse, and healthy self.
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Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate inquiry to what is happening within.
-Dr. Mate'
Imatter33
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 184



« Reply #41 on: January 04, 2020, 11:23:37 AM »

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother udbpd
Older Brother possible udbpd as well  I only post about him in relation to mom dynamics. He is lc with me and its working well.
Back to mom...

What is the status of the relationship?  
NC for 10 months (Open ended, as no formal closure or letter or communication has happened after our last texts in March.) Recently I thought I saw her in the grocery store and I hid. This tells me I have some more work to do...

How is the current status working for you?
For the first time in my life, my life is completely my own. It's an unnerving calm that I am not completely used too. The nc was not a difficult decision to come to, but I find it is hard to maintain because it is still new.
I deal with FOG (Fear obligation and GUILT) when I am alone in my thoughts.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
When we were talking, it felt like she always had to be right, and her bottomless need for validation left me feeling empty. I could give and give, feel absolutely positive about our exchange and the next moment be listening to a woman that said "I don't know the real her, I'm not close enough to her, and that I am a liar.
The NC challenge is not knowing what my channel for love is to her.
Knowing that I am keeping her from her only grandchild.

How would you categorize your loved one?
UBPD (on a spectrum, like so many other disorders) Sometimes I think but is she really all that difficult?

What do you struggle with yourself?
Being assertive. Having good self-esteem. Hiding my joy in my life because I know that my mom (and other family members are not joyful.)

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Vent, reflect, decide what is good for me. What I NEED.
Be there for others and engage in this community.
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klystron

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged daughter
Posts: 3


« Reply #42 on: January 05, 2020, 03:07:13 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Parent (Mother) with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
LC from May 2019-July 2019, NC since July 2019

How is the current status working for you?
It's working okay, I still think about our relationship a lot and feel guilty about a lot of things.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting/maintaining boundaries

How would you categorize your loved one?
I wasn't made aware of my mothers borderline tendencies until I was 22. My parents got divorced when I was in high school (about age 14/15), and my mom was very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and my siblings because of that. She's very controlling and manipulative and can be very much hot and cold most of the time.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Establishing my own individuality apart from my mother and having that independence.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To work through past trauma and work through the lasting effects that my mothers uBPD has left on me.
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fox_m9
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: In contact
Posts: 2


« Reply #43 on: January 07, 2020, 06:50:57 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother, uBPD of the Empty/Dependent type.

What is the status of the relationship? 
2.5 months into limited contact- we still text and see each other once a week for family lunch. Things went severely south about 3 months ago, and I've moved in with my father (parents are both divorced and remarried) temporarily while I start looking for a place of my own.

How is the current status working for you?
My god, the relief is insane. Not having to jump at shadows, not having to account for my whereabouts all the time, not having to hover over my phone when I'm out with friends for fear that she'll text, asking me when I'm coming back. Not having to bite my tongue when she says something hurtful or distorted. There are feelings of guilt, yes, and a big part of me that misses her (the Good her, the one I have 10000 hobbies in common with), but for once in my life I'm able to breathe.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Currently, navigating wheedling requests to come back and stay for awhile so that I can leave again 'on good terms', aka her terms. Balancing the desire for parental approval of my very first romantic partner with the desire for said partner not to get caught in the crossfire, since disapproval of him is a big reason why my mother started splitting drastically over the past year.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Diagnosed with other things over the years: PTSD, Depression, Anxiety disorders. It wasn't until a therapist dropped the BPD term (only today- I move quickly, don't I?) that I had a lightbulb moment that this has been an ongoing problem, and not one triggered by some of the tragic experiences she's had in the course of her life.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt. These three months have been a roller coaster in terms of me finally coming to the conclusion that I am not my mother's keeper, and deciding to claim a life for myself. Breaking isolationist habits. Unlearning some of the learned behaviours (lack of self-esteem, conflict-triggered anxiety attacks, hyper-vigilance) that I never noticed in myself while I was living with her, but have started to become apparent with distance. Reclaiming forgiveness and compassion- even though I understand that on some level she's suffering, repeated threats and verbal abuse mean I've grow a thicker skin. I still fear I may not respond quickly enough if she carries through with one of her threats.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find an understanding space. To maybe learn how to communicate better with my mother from people further along the road than me. To, hopefully, start healing.
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anguishedaughter

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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: daughter
Posts: 3


« Reply #44 on: January 07, 2020, 09:41:11 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother with undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
Currently no contact after Christmas disaster

How is the current status working for you?
I feel calm at the moment because I am not communicating with her, but I don't know what the long-term plan is.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
How to go forward as my mother ages. She is 70-years-old and has three grandchildren. (I have two children and my sister just gave birth.)

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD. She was doing pretty well the past two years but has now "relapsed". I now realize that our relationship was more functional because I was sick with a disease and she was in the role of hero-caretaker. Now that I am getting well and getting my life back, she is dysfunctional again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with being the designated "all-good" child who was expected to parent her own mother.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn coping skills for how to deal with my mother, and how to protect my children (her grandchildren) and my husband from her dysfunction.

After 40 years of dealing with a dysfunctional mother, it is only after this past Christmas that I truly understood what I am dealing with: a mother with BPD. She visited my family for Christmas, along with my father.  (We live in Canada and she and my father are in the U.S.) As she has done for every Christmas as long as I can remember, she got triggered and spent most of the day in a dissociated state. This was deeply triggering to me. By the end of the day she was fighting with me, and then with my husband the following day. It is clear that she sees my marrying him (ten years ago) as an abandonment and rejection of her. She attacked him as a horrible father who hates his son and should have his/our children taken away because he yells at them. She has chosen her grandson as "the victim" and it is clear that she pathologically identifies herself with him and my husband as an aggressor akin to those from her own past (her own mother and MIL). (For the record my husband is an incredible father.) Since Christmas I have been reading every book I can find on BPD, and have learned that I am the "all-good" child of a BPD "hermit" mother with a father who is the "huntsman" (all categories from the incredible book, "Understanding the BPD Mother"). To make a story of 4 decades "short," I have been expected to parent my own mother for my whole life, and my father's excuse for her deeply dysfunctional behavior is that she "had a hard childhood." Frankly I am tired of this excuse. I have had to suffer my whole life because of her difficult childhood, and my father has been deeply in denial. However, after Christmas he cannot be in denial any more, as he was witness to her deranged attacks on her son-in-law. I feel deep shame, but at the same time freedom in realizing that by naming the problem (BPD) there is a way to make sense of the chaos. After she ruined Christmas, and she went back to her own home, she proceeded to send disordered emails to me and my husband. I wrote back a very sharply-worded message in which I told her to seek treatment for a personality disorder and to not contact me again until she has an appointment with a therapist. I also laid out all the pain she had caused us over the holiday, and over the years. I am now feeling guilty for having written this message, because I have been made to feel responsible for her pain my whole life and I can only imagine she is pained by my angry message. I also exploded at her on Christmas Day. I am not typically an angry person, and I have never been violent towards anyone, but I clearly have so much anger bottled up in me for what she has put me through, and how she is now targeting my husband and affecting my children, that I was shaking like a leaf and growling like a wild animal. I didn't recognize myself. Neither did my mother recognize me, which was clearly unsettling to her. It is clear that I need professional help myself to process all this. About 15 years ago I was in therapy but at that time I really did not understand that what we have been dealing with is BPD rather than merely "depression" or "mental illness." I am very happy to have found this label, this group, and the resources on offer here. Thank you for listening.
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mariana1969

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: he is in residential treatment
Posts: 4


« Reply #45 on: January 07, 2020, 02:49:15 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
My child is 16.  They are non-binary.  Born a girl, "changed to a boy at 12 and to non-binary at 14.  He had top surgery at 15 (removed boobs).  My husband and I are together and have been supportive of the LGBTQ identities.

What is the status of the relationship?
Right now he is in a psych hospital for at least 30 days (unless they kick him out).  He hates that we sent him there, and hated when we sent him to other placements before, but he steals, lies, and will end up in juvie if we don't intervene.  The last family therapy session went well, but it was coached on both sides.

How is the current status working for you?
Replace this text with your answer

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
The top challenge is finding adequate care and convincing him he needs long term therapy.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Impulsive gender fluid adolescent with no true sense of identity and attracted to risk and drugs.

What do you struggle with yourself?
When he is at home, the stress in unbearable.  When will he explode next?
When is in residential treatment I struggle with guilt.  He hates being away and makes it known.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To read other stories and be able to see I am not the only one, and my child is not the only one.
To get information about treatments for adolescents.
To learn more about how to cope with the stress and the sadness.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 08:01:46 PM by Harri » Logged
Person2

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 46



« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2020, 12:33:41 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
No contact - approximately 2 months. I did this by sending her an email, in which I told her I was no longer able to play my role in our relationship, that in our interactions I’m too often upset and I don’t have control over my responses, and that all of this has left me extremely overwhelmed and depressed. I made it clear that this is about me, and my mental health, not a critique of her.

How is the current status working for you?
Really well. The first weeks I had to deal with the guilt discomfort, but through my reading and this site, I was able to handle it. Prior to going NC, her influence was really blocking my ability to hear my own voice. Over the last year, I’d been reading about BPD. I spent a lot of time thinking about how this disorder has impacted her life and my childhood. Now I’m really focusing on integrating this knowledge into my current life and improving the quality of my life. It’s only been a short time, so it’s hard to say what the repercussions will be. One time she “accidentally” (you never know) sent me a message that was to my brother and sister-in-law asking for some kind of assistance with a credit card. The second was her reaching out to me about an Amazon delivery (this is a long standing issue; she makes the same mistake over and over again). I’m asking for some space to work on my mental health and she’s thinking an appropriate interruption is contacting me about an Amazon delivery that she can’t figure out...

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her neediness; her unwillingness/inability to address her own needs and her unwillingness/inability to look out for her welfare. I feel fortunate that I somehow realized the lack of a mother years ago, and that I’ve processed much of my grief surrounding that. I no longer am looking for a mother, but I am looking to have an adult relationship with her, a relationship that takes into account that we are both adults. I’ve no idea if that’s possible; it will definitely be a challenge!

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed. Some years back, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar, made a big deal about how the meds were helping so much (I saw no difference). It appeared though over time the novelty of this wore off, and I’m thinking she quit the meds. Then, a couple of years ago, after visiting a different practitioner, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar (forgetting that she’d already been diagnosed, and thinking she’s  telling me for the first time). She has all of the indications of BPD; destructive and impulsive behaviors, unstable relationships, unclear self-image, etc... I did mention to her about 10 years ago, that I’d learned of BPD (and shared what the signs/symptoms are) and that it sounded like it could be what she suffered from. She listened, appeared to think it was interesting, and then just started talking about something else. It’s never came up again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression, anxiety, self-actualization, an autoimmune disorder, dealing with my husband’s stage 4 cancer (this is the biggest thing I struggle with - the fear of what life will feel like without him), fighting my social anxiety (as a highly sensitive/introvert plus whatever stems from being raised by a BPD).

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Developing my self and finding support for what I need to live a more satisfying, meaningful life (one in which my mother, and the impact she’s had on me, does not overwhelm it). I’m at a critical time, now that she’s in her mid-70’s, has multiple health issues, is living beyond her means, and has done nothing to address or plan for her current needs or those that arise (leaving it for others to address for her). I’m determined to not be manipulated by her, and to learn the skills/tools to do so in a way that will bring out the best, most empowered me.
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Pepper77

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: In contact
Posts: 3


« Reply #47 on: February 14, 2020, 02:07:40 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
I am the older sister to my 36yo diagnosed BPD sister.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Low to normal contact. We text a lot, talk sometimes, see each other once or twice a year. Live very far away.

How is the current status working for you?
I like this amount of contact. Anything more would be too much, I think.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I want to rescue her but cannot. I want to be someone she can talk to openly and honestly about how she's doing but I do worry. I do not want to bear the brunt of any more rages!

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is in individual and group therapy and (I hope still taking) some psychiatric meds.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Boundary setting. I was not taught how to do this at all and now at 42 find myself feeling like I'm learning a basic life skill. How did I get to be so old without knowing how? Do I really deserve to stick up for my own thoughts and feelings? Especially when I'm the "healthy" one? Shouldn't I suck it up for the sake of the family?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
1. Practice "saying" (typing) this stuff "out loud."
2. Learn how to handle the crisis times. The rages and talk of suicide. Both are terrifying.
3. Learn this boundary stuff. Understand my family dynamic. I feel like I'm just waking up to a world I don't fully understand.
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Precarious Hold
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Up and Down
Posts: 1


« Reply #48 on: March 28, 2020, 01:54:35 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Mother (age 76) is undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
Calm at the moment

How is the current status working for you?
Ok

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My difficult-to-love uBPD mother is in hospice for colon cancer - good news is that she's in her own home (across the street from me) and managing ok - but with COVID-19 my "hermit" mother is highly sensitive to me visiting and is basically shutting me out - so these final months I have to try to develop a positive relationship with her (and have her build one with my teenage kids) are compromised. On the one hand I'm ok not seeing her, because it tends to be stressful when we interact  (she is also a "waif", a "queen" and a "witch" rolled into one) - but it's also sad. The emotions are all over the place at the moment.

People will sympathize with the fact that I have a dying mother during COVID (the inability to see her regularly, planning a funeral that no one will likely attend, etc)- but very few people will understand what it means to have a dying borderline mother during COVID - and how the extra layer of emotions you (and the borderline mother) need to navigate and sort through will be impacted/exacerbated by the viral outbreak.

My last interaction with my mother led me to cut her off on the phone to avoid us getting into a fight- which then made me feel bad and then sad. It prompted me to find a support group - so needless to say this is a very weird and challenging time.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD with high anxiety and obsessive compulsive traits - let's put it this way - having a "hermit", high anxiety, OCD type mother who is a former ICU-CCU registered nurse during COVID-19 is sort of like her nightmare scenario come true

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt, anger, frustration, impatience, sadness, disdain

What are your goals at bpdfamily
Finding kindred spirits to help me navigate (and hopefully help others in return) deal with a dying parent who is borderline while society is under quarantine for a viral outbreak.
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Aduaine

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Estranged (possibly temporarily)
Posts: 4


« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2020, 09:01:45 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
My dad and my sister (also a number of friends and bosses throughout the years, but the primary relationships are family)

What is the status of the relationship? 
I am in contact with my dad. I am in temporary no contact with my sister, and I'm trying to work through whether this no contact needs to be permanent.

How is the current status working for you?
I am really struggling with it. I get pressure from my mom (enabler of BPD/NPD dad and sister, and in denial) to "talk it out" with my sister because my mom is upset that the family isn't unified. I am not able to talk to my sister without severe PTSD triggers, so this creates a chronic conflict, especially when family events come up. I've distanced a lot from family events, but I struggle with guilt, shame, and isolation. It's hard because very few people understand my need for no contact.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I had an enmeshed relationship with my younger sister. When I started to learn about healthy relationships and set small boundaries, my sister became abusive, shaming, and blaming. I was already really struggling in my life with a major career change, and her abuse almost destroyed me. That might sound extreme, but it feels very true. I kept trying to stay in contact with her, with boundaries, but the abuse and chronic blaming continued until I realized I had to stop responding to her communications. I feel guilty because I always felt responsible for her. I know I need to let go of this, but it is challenging because I was parentified as a child and feel responsible for my whole family.

My dad has mellowed a bit with age, but growing up he was very critical and shaming. He had repeated severe mental health crises that required hospitalization, and he never received any long-term therapy. My family would pretend everything was fine as soon as he got out of the hospital. This left me with a lot of trauma.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Both are undiagnosed, but I think both my sister and dad have BPD and narcissism (NPD). Bipolar disorder has been suggested for both by therapists (who saw them for just a few sessions because they never continued long term in therapy), but I feel BPD/NPD is a better fit.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-doubt and self-invalidation. Believing that the abuse I experienced was real. Anger and grief at the harm I've experienced. Isolation. Feeling stuck and traumatized, and experiencing an inability to reach my life goals since my sister started raging at me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Finding like-minded people who understand the unique challenges of having family members with these disorders, and who understand the challenges of no contact or limited contact.
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thearcher
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: full contact
Posts: 1



« Reply #50 on: May 18, 2020, 02:37:08 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
parent, mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
FC but a little strained at the moment. Was living with her, but quarantining with her with no way to leave was deteriorating my mental health so I temporarily moved in with my boyfriend. This has led to her giving me the silent treatment with occasional texts for the last almost three weeks.

How is the current status working for you?
I feel better being away from her physically, but knowing she's upset with me causes me a lot of fear, obligation, and guilt.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Feeling responsible for her mental health and constantly feeling guilty when she is upset even when it isn't related to me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD, diagnosed anxiety and depression

What do you struggle with yourself?
A lot of anxiety and perfectionism. Wanting to have a relationship with my mom but not at the cost of my own mental health and happiness.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find a way to relieve myself of the constant guilt and heal from my childhood without holding on to so much anger and resentment.
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TeaWithMilk

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living together temporarily
Posts: 12



« Reply #51 on: May 18, 2020, 05:27:31 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Youngest daughter of uBPD mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
I typically live abroad and away from her, but in the past two months I've been at home with her and the rest of the family, which has been tough to navigate.

How is the current status working for you?
I don't know. I can't imagine going Non-Contact but I fantasise about it sometimes. The difficult thing would be that if I were to cut ties with her, it would almost certainly mean cutting ties with my dad, which I really don't want to do.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Living alongside her without getting swept away in her drama. Whether it's full violent rage outbursts where she insults and targets me and my sister, or just her meandering around the house interrupting everybody because she's bored. I'm finding it very difficult to establish a routine or simply exist without her interrupting.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is undiagnosed but has been in treatment for general depression for decades now. She is in therapy and medicated, but none of her therapists have ever considered BPD that I know of.

What do you struggle with yourself?
A couple of years back I had a big bout of depression and was on an antidepressant for 2 years. I weaned off it after attending therapy for some time, and I have been doing much better thanks to self-help strategies, but I think I might be starting to struggle in a bigger way.
I also suspect I might have undiagnosed ADHD but that's not wholly relevant to my BPD mother.
In dealing with her I struggle the most with not responding when she attacks, as well as keeping myself centred and happy while under her influence in general. I'm only becoming familiar with BPD strategies, so I think things will improve, but it's very difficult not to fall face first into the pain of it all.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to learn more about BPD, as well as find a community of people with similar struggles. My friends with very balanced families never understand what I am going through, so it can be quite difficult to feel validated when I speak to them or hear about their loving mothers.
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seeksupport

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Fairly regular contact - not overly impacted
Posts: 3


« Reply #52 on: June 11, 2020, 06:20:43 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Brother

What is the status of the relationship? 
Full contact - although we've never had a close relationship. BPD-brother moved out when I was 10 years old to live with Dad. My Dad has largely tried to shelter me from BPD-brother behaviour. I am generally not targeted by my brother but I have witnessed his behaviour towards other family members.

How is the current status working for you?
Fine

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I struggle with knowing how to communicate with and support him whilst maintaining boundaries. We have little in common anyway. He has just had a child and I am struggling with understanding how best I can support my nephew.

How would you categorize your loved one?
diagnosed BPD & ADHD - refuses to engage with treatment

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt - I've been sheltered. I live a happy and fulfilling life whilst my brother does not.
Guilt - I am not well equipped to support him - I don't know how
Guilt - I am nervous about including my brother and I get nervous when I see him. I think I am ashamed of his behaviour and that makes me feel like a horrible person.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To get some practical advice on how to best support my brother from afar, and also how to support my nephew who will grow up with a BPD father.
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Limonium
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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 1


« Reply #53 on: June 16, 2020, 04:57:22 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Sibling, formerly Younger Brother now Sister, they just starting to come out as trans. Also we had some semblance of parent/child relationship dynamics due to our fathers neglect and our mother being the primary source of money not being able to alway be home. I shouldered a large portion of raising them.

What is the status of the relationship? 
All over the place. I try no contact but I get so worried about them that it never lasts.

How is the current status working for you?
not well. My mentally health is really suffering.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
She has a laundry list of health issues. Autism, ADHD, ODD which apparently has now become BPD, Hashimoto's disease, a brain condition that causes cerebral spinal fluid to back up in the center of the brain,other diet related health issues. As well a Trauma from our abusive and negligent father. She doesn't take care of herself refuses to shower or brush teeth, She constantly leaves work early or calls off sick often outright quitting her jobs. Lies about everything even when the truth is undeniable. But right now she has check herself out of the 8 week live in program she was in and has no where to live and I am scared shes going to be homeless.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Diagnosed BPD and also all other things listed above. Use to accept other diagnosis' but now is convinced she isn't Autistic or BPD and thinks transitioning will solve all her problems.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Bipolar disorder( controlled/medicated since 5th grade), Autism spectrum, Anxiety, and minor OCD. As well as Shared trauma from our childhood. I have a savior complex because I always had to be the person protecting my loved ones. and now sadly I'm protecting people from her.
Also Guilt. I feel responsible for this downward spiral. It all started getting worse when I started dating and moved out. Some guilt is also related to the fact that I have in general coped with our trauma better and have a level of functionality and dependance that they might never have.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To commiserate partly. I feel so alone and scared. and I don't know how to cope at all. I have so many of my own issues I don't know how to set boundaries and maintain them. I don't know how to feel less responsible when I can so easily connect each worsening step in the last to years to things I did to establish independence.
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Harri
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #54 on: June 16, 2020, 08:41:26 PM »

Hi and welcome!

I am glad you found us and reached out to talk with us.  You certainly have a lot on your own plate and then feeling responsible for your sibling on top of it all.  I can relate to certain aspects of your story, especially the guilt part and the savior complex, though I call it being a rescuer.  A problem fixer.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

We all support each other here and talk through the frustration, hurt and guilt.  We also work on using some tools that help us cope better and that sometimes help us communicate with our BPD/BPDish loved one.

I hope you will post more in other threads and maybe start a thread of your own too so we can help you with more specifics. 

Again, Welcome
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Tkimber
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Broken and close to estranged
Posts: 1


« Reply #55 on: June 25, 2020, 03:27:37 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Mother has BPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
After 4 years of not talking, we tried again and lasted 1 year. It's been six months of estrangement, and I don't see it changing.

How is the current status working for you?
I am working on what I call recovery for myself, and focusing on my own reactions. I have much less stress and chaos, but still miss her, even though she adds mostly hurt to my life.


What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Understanding her mental state and why she is so destructive and hurtful.  I'm 50 and she is only 17 years older, so my concern is that this will never work out before she passes.  Her health is not that great and she abuses legal medications as well. 

How would you categorize your loved one?
We are quite certain BPD, and is on some very strong antipsychotics, so assume more diagnosis than I am aware of.  Very difficult to have a relationship with.  She recently told me that I went to her counselor and told her bad things about her and now her counselor hates her.  I have no idea what she is talking about.  I don't even know who her counselor is.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle to understand this disorder. I didn't have a voice as a young girl, and I am not afraid anymore, but..I have found speaking the truth hasn't helped the situation and only hurt it.  Recently, I put a very gentle and healthy boundary down, and that's all it took for me to be the new target.  So, letting go, even though it was not a healthy relationship, has been hard. I have managed to stay mentally healthy, despite the physical and mental abuse I received under her care, but always had a loving relative nearby, and I think that helped.  I maintained healthy relationships with her old boyfriends, who understood my pain as well, and they became surrogate fathers.  I was lucky like that, but always chaos with her and her relationships, and it probably took some toll on me and my siblings.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I think sharing makes one feel like they are not alone and can be healing.  My children or friends don't really get how difficult it is to disconnect from a parent, toxic or not. Hoping to get understanding for the condition and healing.

Thank You!

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ArabellaFay7

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 4



« Reply #56 on: June 27, 2020, 09:51:31 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
My mother was recently diagnosed with BPD.  I had suspected it for about a year and a half and gently suggested it along with her counselor, but it took some time for her to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

What is the status of the relationship?
Currently, it is low contact.  I have also gone through periods of NC over the past three years.

How is the current status working for you?
To be honest, NC works best for me.  I end up going back to LC out of guilt.  However, I feel more at peace and free to be myself when I am NC.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her mental state has deteriorated greatly over the years ever since I moved out at 23.  I was not able to deal with her behavior anymore and was more than old enough to start a life on my own.  I am 28 now, and she still feels like I abandoned her.  She has gone through stages of abusing alcohol, benzodiazepines, and marijuana (not for medical use, but for combining with the other two), which has exacerbated her illness even more.  Even though she is only 47, I often worry about her health and what she is putting her body through.

How would you categorize your loved one?
BPD with anxiety and depression. 

What do you struggle with yourself?
I have been diagnosed with dysthymia, health anxiety, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. My father was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 13, and I spent many years afraid I would end up with the same disorder.  I went to counseling, asked psychiatrists to assess me for bipolar, and studied psychology extensively in college.  Ultimately, it helped me to understand my dad and separate emotionally, so I did not get hurt when his illness was at its worst.  I was blind to my mom's issues for a long time though.  At 18, I started to feel that certain behaviors from my mother were atypical.  I did not want to accept that she too may have a mental illness.  I look back now though, and there were many signs of it throughout my childhood.  I'm only now starting to accept it, so I kind of feel like I am back to square one, but with my mother instead.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I have been reading posts here since about November of last year off and on to feel like I am not alone.  I have only now gotten the courage to sign up and start posting.  I am hoping to share my experiences, learn from others, and start to heal. 
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Schmem_25

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 27



« Reply #57 on: June 29, 2020, 01:39:25 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
My mother, uBPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
My mom and I don't talk very often, I live five hours away from her, and most of our exchanges are surface-level. We have never been NC, though I feel that this is the most distant I have ever been with her. I am not engaged with any of her dramas, I don't therap-ize with her. I feel healthy and happy in my own life, and some days it feels like the trauma I experienced by my mom never happened. But then other days it hits me smack in the face (hence the weekly therapy hehe).

How is the current status working for you?
Honestly, it's been really great! I have my own life that I've been able to focus on. I have an incredible partner and we just bought a house and adopted a puppy  Way to go! (click to insert in post) It has been very healing to be on these forums and read and be distanced from the pain of her control and emotional abuse. However, I constantly have that nagging feeling that I should be working to have a closer, though more healthy relationship with her. I know this is what my T wants for me ultimately, though I feel I still have a ways to go to get to that place. I still have FOG when I'm with her. I still feel the urge to therap-ize her, to protect her and take care of her when I'm with her. I still have the urge to take on her complex emotions and support her in whomever she is splitting with at the time. Right now, being more distant feels better for my emotional health, where I feel more free and less strapped down by all of her. Maybe with time and practice, I will be able to build up to a healthy relationship without FOG where I feel completely myself under my own control AND with more contact. That's just not the case right now.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Triangulating with my dad. She is very abusive towards my dad, and she recently threatened divorce if he went back to therapy, so he hasn't gone for several months. I find myself therap-izing with my dad, just because his need is so great. I'm so angry at her for abusing my dad and controlling him the way she has their entire marriage. I know that she's unhappy, and he's unhappy, but he feels that he would be more unhappy if he divorced her because "she would make life a living hell" for him. I recognize that she feels threatened by his growth in therapy and that her abandonment is triggered when he starts to have a better understanding of his own needs as an autonomous individual. I'm heating up just talking about it, though I know this is part of her disorder. Maybe this is why I don't want to talk with her, because I know I won't be able to hold back about this. I hate that some of my siblings continue to stay wrapped up in her drama and that they continue to protect her, though I know (even just from reading posts from folks here on this site) how many years it can take to reach that point of enlightenment, and then even longer to create and set boundaries with BPD loved ones. You don't know until you know, and I know I need to be patient and be available for them when/if they do want to understand. It certainly took me many years to get to this point. I continue to encourage my dad to go to therapy, but the more he resists, the more distant I feel from him, and that makes me feel even more resentful of my mom.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD, possible Bipolar Disorder, social anxiety, depression

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with "not good enough" feelings. I struggle with fears about turning into my mom. I want to have a baby next year, and fears about me parenting the way that she did haunts me when I think about it. I fear that I'm a bad partner like she is, though my husband and I communicate wonderfully and respect each other immensely. Our relationship is completely different, but the fear is still there. I worry that I myself have BPD or that I will someday develop it, though my T reminds me pretty much weekly that this is not true. I know this is just projected fear. I struggle with anger towards my mom. I struggle with some depression, though so far it is not crippling and I manage well most of the time.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
My goal is to continue listening and learning. I want to continue to work on my boundaries with my mom and then exercising them when I'm around her. I learn so much from y'all on this site, I'm so grateful to have this space. I don't feel so alone in it.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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curious quandary

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Relationship status: living together
Posts: 33



« Reply #58 on: July 10, 2020, 06:57:22 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Mother

What is the status of the relationship?
Full contact. She is retired and living with me. She makes a small amount each month from her pension but I am financially supporting her – providing house, car, phone, food, etc.

How is the current status working for you?
The situation started out ok over a decade ago but has deteriorated within the past few years due to several reasons. I've become aware of how dysfunctional everything is and have become increasingly bitter but haven't been successful and consistent in making changes.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Dealing with emotional rollercoaster and the manipulative, passive aggressive, FOG behavior that accompanies it.

How would you characterize your loved one?
Undiagnosed bpd with depression. Unwilling to seek help.

What do  you struggle with yourself?
Anxiety, setting boundaries, emotional numbness, and co-dependency. My father was an alcoholic and left when I was in junior high. I was also bullied in school. I have been working with a therapist for 4 months and have read several books on BPD/NP and emotions. I have been using the same coping mechanisms for decades so it's going to take time to relearn how to effectively handle the emotionally charged situations.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Develop skills/courage to determine, set, and enforce healthy boundaries. Take back control of my life. Maintain a positive relationship if at all possible.
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hugs2u

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: medium chill
Posts: 6


« Reply #59 on: July 25, 2020, 09:04:11 AM »

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother and Brother (both uNPD)

What is the status of the relationship?  
A lot of contact with mom, who has dementia, almost daily.  Low contact with brother.

How is the current status working for you?
With mom, the silver lining of her dementia is she is easier to deal with than ever - she has just regressed so much and is so out of it that her usual shaming and blaming and shouting tantrums are gone.  Brother has been an absolute nightmare to deal with, his behavior has escalated over the years and I finally decided the only option for me was medium chill / low contact and probably no contact when mom dies.  I feel sad but mostly anger towards him.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Walking on eggshells with brother. Brother is very unpredictable, has major victim complex and invents scapegoats to justify his failure at pretty much every job or business he has tried.  The older he gets, the more failures and more debt he accumulates, the more bizarre and unpredictable his behavior gets.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Both mom and brother uNPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
My main struggle is with the deep rooted feeling that I don't deserve to be happy.  I want to learn to believe that I'm not a bad person, and that I deserve joy.  No matter how hard I tried, my mom and brother have always made me feel like trash.  My main goal in life is to be healthy and learn to trust myself and believe that it's okay for me to be happy and live a healthy life without feeling guilty.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I need a place to vent, where people understand what I am going through, and understand my struggles with self-esteem and what hard work it is just to live a normal, healthy life.  I know you all understand because in reading other peoples' introductions I can really hear an echo of what I am going through.  
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