Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
April 05, 2020, 07:19:47 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: FaithHopeLove, Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Our abuse recovery guide
Survivor to Thriver | Free download.
221
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Introduce yourself  (Read 1815 times)
Longterm
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorce in progress
Posts: 566



« Reply #30 on: September 09, 2019, 07:17:47 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

  What is the type of relationship?

Parents, grandparents, brothers, ex.

What is the status of the relationship?     

Parents, grandparents all dead, brothers disowned, NC.

  How is the current status working for you?

I wish my parents were here to answer questions, NC with brothers (5yrs) works for me, I do not see this changing.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one? 

With my brothers, to simply stay away. With other family, acceptance and understanding.

How would you categorize your loved one? 

Mother- low functioning, possible BPD (ouch)
Father- alcohol dependent, high functioning, physically and mentally abusive.
Grandmother- evil
Brother 1- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism and sociopath
Brother 2- high functioning, alcohol dependent, high traits of narcissism
Brother 3- low functioning, paranoid schizophrenic (deceased-suicide).

What do you struggle with yourself? 

Very traumatized (CPTSD). Low self worth/esteem, low confidence, seek validation from outside, dissociation, core shame, denial.

  What are your goals at bpdfamily?

To help my children not to make the same mistakes, to put a stop to generational dysfunction, to learn and grow, to gain knowledge and experience, to understand, to come to terms, to accept.

LT.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
TelHill
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 331



« Reply #31 on: September 10, 2019, 07:03:39 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Daughter of BPD mother. She was officially diagnosed 5 yrs ago. 25 years ago my therapist at the time thought my abusive mom might have bpd.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Flip-flopping from NC to LC as an adult. Past few years have been pt care giver.  Went full contact until recently. Trying to be LC while care giving.

How is the current status working for you?
It's the best I can do with elderly, scared to die, parents. Have a much older brother who refuses to help -- not happy with that. He's been just as bad as bpd mom with his disdain of me throughout my life.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Keeping a balance: Knowing when to stay LC and when to reach out to offer a little support and affection. 

How would you categorize your loved one?
Never satisfied with anything - herself, others or objects. Controlling and manipulative.  Great with put downs of my looks and personality. Extremely depressed.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Self-care.  Finding suitable friends. Setting boundaries with bpd mom who wants me with her 24/7 and has rages when I leave to go home.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Giving and finding support to other who have been traumatized by a bpd family member.  Making some headway with my struggles above.

Logged
Funsized04

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 3


« Reply #32 on: September 17, 2019, 07:03:36 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Sister In Law SIL

What is the status of the relationship?
Low contact, lives in our home.

How is the current status working for you?
Working for now.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Manipulation, lying, rages.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She has been clinically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have seen the bipolar symptoms but that doesn't explain her anger, and rages. Nothing anyone does is good enough. She is a perfectionist and if she organized something you better put it back the way it was or she'll be upset.

What do you struggle with yourself?
We just moved to a new state after living 10 years in the previous one I had friends, a support network. Once we moved I became depressed. I am working on my self esteem, and trying to find a job. I was raised as a Catholic, but lean towards the spiritual. I enjoy learning about different religions. I do my best to stay positive, I listen to positive affirmations, I love and read and follow Louise Hay, and Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer, and listen to Kelly Howell.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn how to live with this BP. How to react to the BP. To change how I react to the actions of the BP and to have better reactions.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2020, 04:03:18 PM by Harri » Logged
Tsultan
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Single for 8 mos.
Posts: 158



« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2019, 08:30:34 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother, sister and exbf.

What is the status of the relationship?  
Mother has passed.  Sister I have limited contact. We talk on the phone about once a year.

How is the current status working for you?
It's pretty good.  She drains my energy.  It's usually all about her and I end up doing most of the listening.  I don't trust sharing my feelings with her b/c she has a habit of talking to others about my business.  

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I wish I could have a closer r/s with her.  I feel connected but I have to be reserved.  I wish she didn't drain my energy.  

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sister has been diagnosed with BPD.  She went through intensive therapy and she did improve her behavior a lot but occasionally will disregulate and acts out on her abandonment feelings and end up hurting others.  Mother was never diagnosed but I think she had moderate to severe at times BPD traits.

What do you struggle with yourself?
The effects of being raised by two BPD care takers.  Neither of them were emotionally available growing up.  My mom was a rager.  She slammed cupboards and things.  I was not physically abused but emotionally abused by her with her silent treatment towards me.  It was very painful.  I ended up marrying someone who did the same thing she did to me and put up with it for waaaay too long.  I am kind of mad at myself for doing that.  I focused a lot of my childhood trying to make my mom happy.  Consequently, didn't learn how to take care of my own needs.  That has improved since going Al-anon meetings on a regular basis for many years.  I sometimes wonder if I have some traits myself.  I have not had healthy r/s's.  I have a tendency to pick men who are abusive.  Particularly emotional abuse.  I have not met anyone since my break up with with my exUBPDbf.  That was about 1 year and 4 mos ago.  I am kind of anxious about dating again but I think this time I will pay attention to the red flags.  It's been a pretty rough road for me as far as the male r/s end of things.  I definitely will be friends only for a period of time.  

What are your goals at bpdfamily? It offers support when I struggle with missing my exUBPDbf.  It's a good reminder to me when I read how others are struggling to be grateful that I don't have that stress in my life any more.  I would like to give back to others the support that I received but I feel that I don't often have the words to be helpful.
Logged
Jemiina
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1


« Reply #34 on: October 24, 2019, 04:02:44 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
 - My sister.

What is the status of the relationship?  
- We are in contact few times a week and we live in the same city.

How is the current status working for you?
- Not well, her behavior is effecting my well being and starting to became hard to handle.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
- Her constant self harming, constant suicide attempts.

How would you categorize your loved one?
- Diagnosed

What do you struggle with yourself?
- This situation has been going on for years, but few days ago she tried to kill herself again. She spend few days at the mental hospital. Somehow this affected me more than usually and I had kind of a breakdown. I got overwhelmed with everything and couldn't sleep for days and I had to take some sick leave.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
- I wish to learn and find a ways to cope with this situation. I wish to talk to people who have similar situations.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 10:03:58 AM by Harri » Logged
Methuen
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 357


« Reply #35 on: October 24, 2019, 11:58:53 PM »

What is the type of relationship?  
mother

What is the status of the relationship?  
Currently full contact, as she's 83, had a recent fall with fractures, and I've been involved in a lot of meetings setting up community care supports for her so that I am less tempted to get sucked down the rabbit hole of FOG to do everything for her that community care supports can do.  She of course is resisting these supports.  Last summer I was NC for over 3 weeks, and then LC until her fall.

How is the current status working for you?
OK at times, and not OK at other times.  It's a roller coaster.  A lot of survival mode.  I've noticed my wellness is tied to my mom's wellness on any given day.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting boundaries, FOG, less JADEing, radical acceptance...forgiveness, all as my mom's failing health progresses.  My cognitive self understands these things, but my mom is always one step ahead of me and never fails to find new ways to disrupt my life.  I also feel like she deep down hates me.

How would you categorize your loved one?
High functioning uBPD Waif, with an occasional dash of Queen and the smallest pinch of Hermit.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Radical acceptance that the mom I always thought I had, never existed.  It all hit me this summer like a jackhammer.  I always thought I was pretty well adjusted.  Accepting my new real mom and all that goes with that is a painful process.  I resent her, I resent being trapped by her, and I resent having to care for her (she's an 83 yr old Waif).  I'm struggling with a lifetime of memories and resentments, and in awe of my deceased father who was a caring and hard working family man.  Because she was high functioning, I feel like nobody in the community who knows us has a clue.  I can only hope they have eyes to see with, and ears to hear with.  She's pretty "special".  I fear being judged by other people in case mom leads them to think I don't do enough for her.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Stop feeling so alone.  Learn and process.  Move on.  Feel less guilty.  Let go of the resentment.  Learn to detach.  
Logged
Ramhorn

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: NC
Posts: 4


« Reply #36 on: October 25, 2019, 08:20:31 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
uBPD/NPD Dad

What is the status of the relationship? 
Estranged.

How is the current status working for you?
Well.  I mourned the loss for a long time. I tried a casual meet up but I hated having to remind myself who he actually is, once it was over. I don’t feel like doing that all the time.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
n/a

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD or uNPD

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression and anxiety. Perfectionism. Shame. Needing to be the solution. Self-sabatoge.
I don’t know how to love myself. I have a terrible view of myself. Avoidant Attachments. Motivation.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Really just looking for more tools to put on my metaphorical belt. I’ve been walking the path to freedom for a couple years now. Someone in a therapy group told me to look into BPD fathers and long story short, here I am.

My main goal is to get healthy. I want to be able to be successful. I want to be able to be a good friend. I want to be able to be relied on. I want to be able to do this work so my kids don’t have to. 
Logged

Keep Grinding.
narcdaughter2

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 19


« Reply #37 on: October 28, 2019, 03:06:14 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
mother with BPD/narcissism, 2 of 3 sisters with narcissist/bpd tendencies.

What is the status of the relationship? 
limited contact with mother and narc/bpd siblings

How is the current status working for you?
Very well.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My sisters are trying to pressure me into doing care taking duties for my aging mother which I am not willing or able to do.

How would you categorize your loved one?
My mother's is undiagnosed BPD, and was very abuse.  Her crazy behaviors have mellowed, and she is no longer abusive, but now she is elderly and frail, and losing the ability to be independent.  My youngest sister, who is domineering and grandiose, is trying to control the situation (from a distance, she lives in another state), and set up medical interventions for our mother, and trying to get me to be physically involved in all this.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I want to learn to set boundaries in a calmer fashion.  I want to get over the fear of making people in my family mad at me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I want to learn to set strong healthy consistent boundaries with my mother and siblings.
I want to get over all fear, obligation, and guilt.
I want to get over the fear of making other people mad at me because that makes it tough to set healthy boundaries.
Overall, I want emotional detachment from these people. 
Logged
RubyDooby
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Some Contact/Fragmented
Posts: 1


« Reply #38 on: December 16, 2019, 06:50:04 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
I strongly suspect my mother is uBPD as well as my brother, but my issues are primarily with my mother. I've spent my life trying to understand my mother's behavior without any resolution. Then, thanks to counseling, I began learning about BPD (something I had never heard of before) and I've spent the last 6-7 months researching it. I'm wholeheartedly convinced my mother is a waif/hermit mother. My father is the typical passive parent married to a BPD who doesn't have a spine, and wouldn't stand up for us ever, even in our darkest moments.

What is the status of the relationship? 
The relationship goes in and out of no contact. The most recent period of no contact was about 6 months long. These periods of no contact really emotionally impact my brother is a very negative way, so I do my best to remain in contact, even if it is superficial. I also struggle with my relationship with my father. His passivity by default creates no contact with him, even though my issues are mostly with my mother.

How is the current status working for you?
It causes me some anxiety. I bounce between the idea of wanting to have a relationship with my family and the reality of knowing it will never be healthy or normal. I am getting better through therapy at coming to terms with this. With that, with resumed contact, I am working on limited, managed communications and I am hoping it makes a difference.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her inability to see responsibility in anything she does.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Needy, lonely, manipulative, emotional, illogical

What do you struggle with yourself?
Coping with the idea that my family is not normal and that it never will be - that I will never have a loving and happy family like the ones I see on TV.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find comfort in knowing I'm not alone (which I felt for decades), and any advice or ideas to help cope with these issues in a healthy and productive manner.
Logged
Choosinghope

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Limited contact
Posts: 37


« Reply #39 on: December 16, 2019, 04:18:32 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
I think that my mom is at least close enough to BPD for me to be at my whit's end, even if she doesn't check all the boxes.

What is the status of the relationship? 
We have been NC for about a month. She said that she is done with me, but I strongly suspect that I will have to decide pretty soon if we are going to continue NC when her current episode passes. I am strongly leaning toward NC for at least 6 months to give me time to heal and figure out how to protect myself.

How is the current status working for you?
I am so sad and feel a little bit ripped in half, but at the same time more at peace than I have been for years. I feel free to be myself and enjoy my own life. It's awesome Smiling (click to insert in post)

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Not letting her words, beliefs, and unpredictability affect my marriage and my opinion of myself.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Sometimes a wonderful person, sometimes so hurtful, confusing, and illogical that I have a hard time reconciling her two sides.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Not letting fear of her control my life.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To come to terms with something I have struggled with for years, to heal, and hopefully achieve a healthy relationship with my mom, in time.
Logged
Lloyd Christmaz

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Separated
Posts: 5


« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2020, 03:36:54 PM »

What is the type of the relationship?

Adult survivor/Adopted Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 

Have terminated all contact with her, siblings, and all extended Family member of my adopted mother.

How is the current status working for you?
I feel like I am isolating. I find I have a lot of dysfunctional thoughts of worthlessness. The effects of my trauma are affecting my family life with my husband.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My biological sister and mother are still in a relationship with her.  I am always worried I will see them out and about. She financially ruined me. I am emotionally drained.

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is like the Don of a mafia family. If you do something she doesn't like, you're ostracized. If you do something that really makes her happy she will let you in. She can pit the whole family against you because it is better to be in than out. She can be charming but she is truly an evil woman. I left before she had a chance to kick me out.

She also, wouldnt let my husband, the father of my child, to any family functions. When my daughter began crying because daddy couldn't come to Christmas....I left

What do you struggle with yourself?
I dont believe in myself. I go into crisis quickly. I always feel like people will abandon me.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
I do not plan to ever reconcile. I just want to grow as a mom, spouse, and healthy self.
Logged

Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate inquiry to what is happening within.
-Dr. Mate'
Imatter33
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 118



« Reply #41 on: January 04, 2020, 11:23:37 AM »

What is the type of relationship?  
Mother udbpd
Older Brother possible udbpd as well  I only post about him in relation to mom dynamics. He is lc with me and its working well.
Back to mom...

What is the status of the relationship?  
NC for 10 months (Open ended, as no formal closure or letter or communication has happened after our last texts in March.) Recently I thought I saw her in the grocery store and I hid. This tells me I have some more work to do.....

How is the current status working for you?
For the first time in my life, my life is completely my own. It's an unnerving calm that I am not completely used too. The nc was not a difficult decision to come to, but I find it is hard to maintain because it is still new.
I deal with FOG (Fear obligation and GUILT) when I am alone in my thoughts.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
When we were talking, it felt like she always had to be right, and her bottomless need for validation left me feeling empty. I could give and give, feel absolutely positive about our exchange and the next moment be listening to a woman that said "I don't know the real her, I'm not close enough to her, and that I am a liar.
The NC challenge is not knowing what my channel for love is to her.
Knowing that I am keeping her from her only grandchild.

How would you categorize your loved one?
UBPD (on a spectrum, like so many other disorders) Sometimes I think but is she really all that difficult?

What do you struggle with yourself?
Being assertive. Having good self-esteem. Hiding my joy in my life because I know that my mom (and other family members are not joyful.)

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Vent, reflect, decide what is good for me. What I NEED.
Be there for others and engage in this community.
Logged
klystron

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Estranged daughter
Posts: 3


« Reply #42 on: January 05, 2020, 03:07:13 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Parent (Mother) with uBPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
LC from May 2019-July 2019, NC since July 2019

How is the current status working for you?
It's working okay, I still think about our relationship a lot and feel guilty about a lot of things.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Setting/maintaining boundaries

How would you categorize your loved one?
I wasn't made aware of my mothers borderline tendencies until I was 22. My parents got divorced when I was in high school (about age 14/15), and my mom was very emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and my siblings because of that. She's very controlling and manipulative and can be very much hot and cold most of the time.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Establishing my own individuality apart from my mother and having that independence.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To work through past trauma and work through the lasting effects that my mothers uBPD has left on me.
Logged
fox_m9
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: In contact
Posts: 2


« Reply #43 on: January 07, 2020, 06:50:57 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother, uBPD of the Empty/Dependent type.

What is the status of the relationship? 
2.5 months into limited contact- we still text and see each other once a week for family lunch. Things went severely south about 3 months ago, and I've moved in with my father (parents are both divorced and remarried) temporarily while I start looking for a place of my own.

How is the current status working for you?
My god, the relief is insane. Not having to jump at shadows, not having to account for my whereabouts all the time, not having to hover over my phone when I'm out with friends for fear that she'll text, asking me when I'm coming back. Not having to bite my tongue when she says something hurtful or distorted. There are feelings of guilt, yes, and a big part of me that misses her (the Good her, the one I have 10000 hobbies in common with), but for once in my life I'm able to breathe.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Currently, navigating wheedling requests to come back and stay for awhile so that I can leave again 'on good terms', aka her terms. Balancing the desire for parental approval of my very first romantic partner with the desire for said partner not to get caught in the crossfire, since disapproval of him is a big reason why my mother started splitting drastically over the past year.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Diagnosed with other things over the years: PTSD, Depression, Anxiety disorders. It wasn't until a therapist dropped the BPD term (only today- I move quickly, don't I?) that I had a lightbulb moment that this has been an ongoing problem, and not one triggered by some of the tragic experiences she's had in the course of her life.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt. These three months have been a roller coaster in terms of me finally coming to the conclusion that I am not my mother's keeper, and deciding to claim a life for myself. Breaking isolationist habits. Unlearning some of the learned behaviours (lack of self-esteem, conflict-triggered anxiety attacks, hyper-vigilance) that I never noticed in myself while I was living with her, but have started to become apparent with distance. Reclaiming forgiveness and compassion- even though I understand that on some level she's suffering, repeated threats and verbal abuse mean I've grow a thicker skin. I still fear I may not respond quickly enough if she carries through with one of her threats.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To find an understanding space. To maybe learn how to communicate better with my mother from people further along the road than me. To, hopefully, start healing.
Logged
anguishedaughter

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: daughter
Posts: 3


« Reply #44 on: January 07, 2020, 09:41:11 AM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother with undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
Currently no contact after Christmas disaster

How is the current status working for you?
I feel calm at the moment because I am not communicating with her, but I don't know what the long-term plan is.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
How to go forward as my mother ages. She is 70-years-old and has three grandchildren. (I have two children and my sister just gave birth.)

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed BPD. She was doing pretty well the past two years but has now "relapsed". I now realize that our relationship was more functional because I was sick with a disease and she was in the role of hero-caretaker. Now that I am getting well and getting my life back, she is dysfunctional again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle with being the designated "all-good" child who was expected to parent her own mother.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To learn coping skills for how to deal with my mother, and how to protect my children (her grandchildren) and my husband from her dysfunction.

After 40 years of dealing with a dysfunctional mother, it is only after this past Christmas that I truly understood what I am dealing with: a mother with BPD. She visited my family for Christmas, along with my father.  (We live in Canada and she and my father are in the U.S.) As she has done for every Christmas as long as I can remember, she got triggered and spent most of the day in a dissociated state. This was deeply triggering to me. By the end of the day she was fighting with me, and then with my husband the following day. It is clear that she sees my marrying him (ten years ago) as an abandonment and rejection of her. She attacked him as a horrible father who hates his son and should have his/our children taken away because he yells at them. She has chosen her grandson as "the victim" and it is clear that she pathologically identifies herself with him and my husband as an aggressor akin to those from her own past (her own mother and MIL). (For the record my husband is an incredible father.) Since Christmas I have been reading every book I can find on BPD, and have learned that I am the "all-good" child of a BPD "hermit" mother with a father who is the "huntsman" (all categories from the incredible book, "Understanding the BPD Mother"). To make a story of 4 decades "short," I have been expected to parent my own mother for my whole life, and my father's excuse for her deeply dysfunctional behavior is that she "had a hard childhood." Frankly I am tired of this excuse. I have had to suffer my whole life because of her difficult childhood, and my father has been deeply in denial. However, after Christmas he cannot be in denial any more, as he was witness to her deranged attacks on her son-in-law. I feel deep shame, but at the same time freedom in realizing that by naming the problem (BPD) there is a way to make sense of the chaos. After she ruined Christmas, and she went back to her own home, she proceeded to send disordered emails to me and my husband. I wrote back a very sharply-worded message in which I told her to seek treatment for a personality disorder and to not contact me again until she has an appointment with a therapist. I also laid out all the pain she had caused us over the holiday, and over the years. I am now feeling guilty for having written this message, because I have been made to feel responsible for her pain my whole life and I can only imagine she is pained by my angry message. I also exploded at her on Christmas Day. I am not typically an angry person, and I have never been violent towards anyone, but I clearly have so much anger bottled up in me for what she has put me through, and how she is now targeting my husband and affecting my children, that I was shaking like a leaf and growling like a wild animal. I didn't recognize myself. Neither did my mother recognize me, which was clearly unsettling to her. It is clear that I need professional help myself to process all this. About 15 years ago I was in therapy but at that time I really did not understand that what we have been dealing with is BPD rather than merely "depression" or "mental illness." I am very happy to have found this label, this group, and the resources on offer here. Thank you for listening.
Logged
mariana1969

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: he is in residential treatment
Posts: 4


« Reply #45 on: January 07, 2020, 02:49:15 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
My child is 16.  They are non-binary.  Born a girl, "changed to a boy at 12 and to non-binary at 14.  He had top surgery at 15 (removed boobs).  My husband and I are together and have been supportive of the LGBTQ identities.

What is the status of the relationship?
Right now he is in a psych hospital for at least 30 days (unless they kick him out).  He hates that we sent him there, and hated when we sent him to other placements before, but he steals, lies, and will end up in juvie if we don't intervene.  The last family therapy session went well, but it was coached on both sides.

How is the current status working for you?
Replace this text with your answer

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
The top challenge is finding adequate care and convincing him he needs long term therapy.

How would you categorize your loved one?
Impulsive gender fluid adolescent with no true sense of identity and attracted to risk and drugs.

What do you struggle with yourself?
When he is at home, the stress in unbearable.  When will he explode next?
When is in residential treatment I struggle with guilt.  He hates being away and makes it known.

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
To read other stories and be able to see I am not the only one, and my child is not the only one.
To get information about treatments for adolescents.
To learn more about how to cope with the stress and the sadness.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 08:01:46 PM by Harri » Logged
Person2
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: No contact
Posts: 51



« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2020, 12:33:41 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
Mother

What is the status of the relationship? 
No contact - approximately 2 months. I did this by sending her an email, in which I told her I was no longer able to play my role in our relationship, that in our interactions I’m too often upset and I don’t have control over my responses, and that all of this has left me extremely overwhelmed and depressed. I made it clear that this is about me, and my mental health, not a critique of her.

How is the current status working for you?
Really well. The first weeks I had to deal with the guilt discomfort, but through my reading and this site, I was able to handle it. Prior to going NC, her influence was really blocking my ability to hear my own voice. Over the last year, I’d been reading about BPD. I spent a lot of time thinking about how this disorder has impacted her life and my childhood. Now I’m really focusing on integrating this knowledge into my current life and improving the quality of my life. It’s only been a short time, so it’s hard to say what the repercussions will be. One time she “accidentally” (you never know) sent me a message that was to my brother and sister-in-law asking for some kind of assistance with a credit card. The second was her reaching out to me about an Amazon delivery (this is a long standing issue; she makes the same mistake over and over again). I’m asking for some space to work on my mental health and she’s thinking an appropriate interruption is contacting me about an Amazon delivery that she can’t figure out...

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
Her neediness; her unwillingness/inability to address her own needs and her unwillingness/inability to look out for her welfare. I feel fortunate that I somehow realized the lack of a mother years ago, and that I’ve processed much of my grief surrounding that. I no longer am looking for a mother, but I am looking to have an adult relationship with her, a relationship that takes into account that we are both adults. I’ve no idea if that’s possible; it will definitely be a challenge!

How would you categorize your loved one?
Undiagnosed. Some years back, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar, made a big deal about how the meds were helping so much (I saw no difference). It appeared though over time the novelty of this wore off, and I’m thinking she quit the meds. Then, a couple of years ago, after visiting a different practitioner, she told me she’s been diagnosed as bipolar (forgetting that she’d already been diagnosed, and thinking she’s  telling me for the first time). She has all of the indications of BPD; destructive and impulsive behaviors, unstable relationships, unclear self-image, etc... I did mention to her about 10 years ago, that I’d learned of BPD (and shared what the signs/symptoms are) and that it sounded like it could be what she suffered from. She listened, appeared to think it was interesting, and then just started talking about something else. It’s never came up again.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Depression, anxiety, self-actualization, an autoimmune disorder, dealing with my husband’s stage 4 cancer (this is the biggest thing I struggle with - the fear of what life will feel like without him), fighting my social anxiety (as a highly sensitive/introvert plus whatever stems from being raised by a BPD).

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
Developing my self and finding support for what I need to live a more satisfying, meaningful life (one in which my mother, and the impact she’s had on me, does not overwhelm it). I’m at a critical time, now that she’s in her mid-70’s, has multiple health issues, is living beyond her means, and has done nothing to address or plan for her current needs or those that arise (leaving it for others to address for her). I’m determined to not be manipulated by her, and to learn the skills/tools to do so in a way that will bring out the best, most empowered me.
Logged
Pepper77

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
What is your relationship status with them: In contact
Posts: 3


« Reply #47 on: February 14, 2020, 02:07:40 PM »

What is the type of relationship? 
I am the older sister to my 36yo diagnosed BPD sister.

What is the status of the relationship? 
Low to normal contact. We text a lot, talk sometimes, see each other once or twice a year. Live very far away.

How is the current status working for you?
I like this amount of contact. Anything more would be too much, I think.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
I want to rescue her but cannot. I want to be someone she can talk to openly and honestly about how she's doing but I do worry. I do not want to bear the brunt of any more rages!!!

How would you categorize your loved one?
She is in individual and group therapy and (I hope still taking) some psychiatric meds.

What do you struggle with yourself?
Boundary setting. I was not taught how to do this at all and now at 42 find myself feeling like I'm learning a basic life skill. How did I get to be so old without knowing how? Do I really deserve to stick up for my own thoughts and feelings? Especially when I'm the "healthy" one? Shouldn't I suck it up for the sake of the family?

What are your goals at bpdfamily?
1. Practice "saying" (typing) this stuff "out loud."
2. Learn how to handle the crisis times. The rages and talk of suicide. Both are terrifying.
3. Learn this boundary stuff. Understand my family dynamic. I feel like I'm just waking up to a world I don't fully understand.
Logged
Precarious Hold
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Up and Down
Posts: 1


« Reply #48 on: March 28, 2020, 01:54:35 PM »

What is the type of relationship?
Mother (age 76) is undiagnosed BPD

What is the status of the relationship? 
Calm at the moment

How is the current status working for you?
Ok

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My difficult-to-love uBPD mother is in hospice for colon cancer - good news is that she's in her own home (across the street from me) and managing ok - but with COVID-19 my "hermit" mother is highly sensitive to me visiting and is basically shutting me out - so these final months I have to try to develop a positive relationship with her (and have her build one with my teenage kids) are compromised. On the one hand I'm ok not seeing her, because it tends to be stressful when we interact  (she is also a "waif", a "queen" and a "witch" rolled into one) - but it's also sad. The emotions are all over the place at the moment.

People will sympathize with the fact that I have a dying mother during COVID (the inability to see her regularly, planning a funeral that no one will likely attend, etc)- but very few people will understand what it means to have a dying borderline mother during COVID - and how the extra layer of emotions you (and the borderline mother) need to navigate and sort through will be impacted/exacerbated by the viral outbreak.

My last interaction with my mother led me to cut her off on the phone to avoid us getting into a fight- which then made me feel bad and then sad. It prompted me to find a support group - so needless to say this is a very weird and challenging time.

How would you categorize your loved one?
uBPD with high anxiety and obsessive compulsive traits - let's put it this way - having a "hermit", high anxiety, OCD type mother who is a former ICU-CCU registered nurse during COVID-19 is sort of like her nightmare scenario come true

What do you struggle with yourself?
Guilt, anger, frustration, impatience, sadness, disdain

What are your goals at bpdfamily
Finding kindred spirits to help me navigate (and hopefully help others in return) deal with a dying parent who is borderline while society is under quarantine for a viral outbreak.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!