Silent Partner emails she is in mental health unit.

[2020]

Hello friends,
 
Some of you may have read my tale. My partner lay down in a main road and was taken to hospital by police before Christmas. She was then released and disappeared on me on the 27th of December. I have had no definite idea where she was. Some hostile email contact ensued two days later, and on New Years Eve we exchanged perhaps 30 emails where the conversation was respectful and courteous. Since then there has been no further contact from her until today. I have been worried sick because I feared something may have happened to her. She left an email tab open on my computer and I could see she had not checked emails since that time on New Year. It is her birthday today and I sent a simple loving birthday greeting. I just woke up after collapsing with tiredness. She has sent me this:

Thanks __________,
I hope you are weII and making pIans for the new year
Your kind words are appreciated
I feeI I need to Iet you know considering my Iack of contact, I have been in the mental heaIth unit since the beginning of the year and
I have been released today in _______(HER SISTER'S)  care for my birthday, which is reaIIy a waste of time but a change of scenery is good

I am not in a good space to communicate a great deaI and just hope you feeI supported and Ioved by your family
Take care ________
Iove _______.


So now I know what has happened. I had my suspicions. I think I will have to reply to her now. I wish I had more time to think about what to write. It is very frustrating. She will go back inside the unit today. I will just have to be careful with words. Please, I realise a lot of you may be away, but any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

i would keep it very, very light.

thanks for getting back to you, for letting you know, and well wishes (personally id say something about wishing her a happy new year)

[2020]

OK... .so I may have gone in too strong. She sent me a further email saying it was a shame I wasn't available to have dialogue and "Back to the unit for me". My reply crossed paths with this one where I thanked her for her communication; told her I was sorry to hear the news. I said I understood she may not be able to reply. I told her I would support her in which ever way I could. (*Maybe a mistake?). I said to take care and to stay in touch.

I am thinking I panicked under the pressure of a limited time frame. No point worrying now. What is done is done. By what you are suggesting Once Removed, I need to go VERY light with my interactions. I think I can do that. Thank you so much for your help. I feel relieved to know where she is. I will be able to sleep easier and eat now. Time for some important self care.

[once removed]

hm? im having trouble following.

she said it was a shame you couldnt have dialogue?

[2020]

Yes. She had emailed me and she waited two and a half hours for me to respond. That is why she said it was a shame I was not available to have dialogue. After days of no sleep, I had collapsed and then woke up to see her email. When I responded she had sent the other email into my Inbox.

She is emailing me now.

Her: ok, I have ten minutes. What did you want to say?

Me: How are you feeling today?

Her: not good __________, I have spent the day waiting for _______ (her sister) to return. she was meant to be here two hours ago. I am hurting and feel so alone. but  trying to keep it contained

Me: Oh I am so sorry to hear that. I can see why you would be upset. You are doing your best under extremely difficult circumstances. I am relieved that you are able to type to me today. I guess it hasn’t been the best birthday hey?


I'm trying my best here. Trying to tread cautiously. It is pretty sad. Sounds like she is struggling somewhat.

[once removed]

she wants to have a dialogue but is asking what you wanted to say?

if she wants to have a dialogue, by all means, but i recommend doing a lot more listening than speaking.

by very light, i mostly mean doing a lot of listening, and avoiding heavy subjects (okay if she brings them up, but id still mostly listen, think it over, bring it back here, then get back to her), avoid chasing or pushing for relationship talks.

[2020]

I haven't pushed her for dialogue. I don't know what the 10 minute part was about either, as she was online for two hours beyond that. Some of it is a bit of a game (for want of a better word). The "I hope you are weII and making pIans for the new year", and " just hope you feeI supported and Ioved by your family". In other words, she is not.

The good thing is, I have eaten and I got some sleep. I knew something had happened with her. There is a real danger in these relationships. We entwine ourselves in their lives and their dramas and rely on them for our happiness. This has been a 10 year process for me with her. It is going to take some effort on my part to shift.

The silent treatment must be doing something for them, but it is what it does to us which is the killer. I have been a mess for a week over this. I don't know how I can change that. Not knowing where somebody is, somebody who is very unwell, is not a nice place to be. I am actually feeling relaxed today. I will enjoy this period of calm and try equip myself with some knowledge to handle these situations better. I will not be driving up looking for her as I would have done in the past. She has not told me which hospital she is in although I have my suspicions. God knows what she told her sister and her son. Neither of them are returning my messages or calls. I just wish I could honestly get to the point where I can disassociate myself from her when she is doing this.

Thank you for your help. I will update as events unfold.

[Bnonymous]

There is a real danger in these relationships. We entwine ourselves in their lives and their dramas and rely on them for our happiness. This has been a 10 year process for me with her. It is going to take some effort on my part to shift.

Hi 2020,

Did you read the article on codependence that I linked to in the first part of your thread? I'll link again here for ease of reference. It might be a good place to start. It does take time and effort to break free of long-established habits and ways of relating, you're right. But it is more than worth it - the inner peace and freedom that can bring is incredibly valuable and rewarding, not to mention the improvements working on ourselves can bring to our relationships.


https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[2020]

Thanks Bnonymous. I will have a look at your link. I am enjoying the relative calm of the day. Managed to eat, bath, and mow the lawn. It was good to recharge and get my mind off things.

I still have no idea exactly which mental health unit my partner is in or for how long. Her sister will not return my calls or text messages. I think she is ignoring me. Her sister is an odd woman. On the surface she appears to have some really good qualities but there is always another narrative behind her actions. Her biggest problem is she is addicted to lying and she is a thief. My partner does not get along that well with her. They have major falling outs every year, and it involves theft more often than not, followed by lies. I know, it sounds quite like Borderline thinking. But over the years there have been some serious incidences of this and there is also evidence to support it. It is unfortunate that my partner is now under her care. She isn't exactly a trustworthy person. I don't know what her motives are for shutting me out. I have enough other stuff to think about. I may have to contact the hospital directly if I wish to communicate with my partner and find out how she is. We have known each other for 10 years and been together virtually every day for the past 5 years. I would have thought I might have some right to converse with my partner and/or the staff who are caring for her. She hadn't spoken to her sister for 10 months prior to this. It is like I don't exist.

I'll have to have a think about what to do next. Maybe I'll start by ringing the hospital? What do you think?

[2020]

Sorry... .I was getting a bit side tracked here... .I will start a new topic if need be later... .

[Bnonymous]

Hi 2020,

I was typing a reply then saw you'd deleted your comments. So I'll keep this short. For the purposes of the conversation, it's not necessary to subscribe to any particular model of codependence or to view it as a disease. The main point is that we really don't have to "entwine ourselves in their lives and dramas" or "rely on them for our happiness" and that these aren't healthy things to do. You don't have to think in terms of codependence if you find the concept unhelpful. But it may help you to have a think about some of the attitudes you've described here and about how you view them as inevitable - it will help to recognise that they're not inevitable and that you can learn how to detach from the dramas and be responsible for your own happiness - doing so would reduce stress, resentment and anxiety, and would help you to feel more empowered and less helpless. There are huge benefits to reassessing attitudes of helplessness and dependence which transcend semantics. It's not necessary to agree with theories on codependence to do this.

[once removed]

I don't know what her motives are for shutting me out.

her motives and priorities are taking care of her sister, 2020. its a heavy job, and she probably doesnt consider it her place to keep you posted.

Maybe I'll start by ringing the hospital? What do you think?

your partner has asked for a lot of space to heal. would ringing the hospital or her sister for updates be giving that space?

[2020]

What I think I'll do is just step back and let this unfold. Even if my partner had asked me to go visit her, I'd need to tread with caution. She is where she is right now for a reason. Also, I need to let her sort this out herself. Thanks for the replies.

[2020]

OK, so against the advice I have received here, I did telephone the hospital this afternoon. I was just too anxious and I needed some peace of mind. It is just too torturous.

When I phoned, my partner was asleep and I was instructed to call back at night. I just did that and spoke to the nurse there. He told me that her family have decided she is not to speak to me. I was saddened to hear this. He asked if I had tried speaking with her sister but I explained she has cut me off. He spoke to me for quite some time and was enquiring about how long we had known each other and the duration of the relationship. He wanted to know a few things about the lead up to her hospitalisation which I explained as best I could. He asked that I be patient and give this more time. She needs to process a few things herself and work this out. He asked that I ring him on Wednesday and speak to him again. He said he would tell my partner that I had rung.

So I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. It sounds like a complete mess and I am not clinging to much hope here. Not sure what more I can do. 

[once removed]

I was just too anxious and I needed some peace of mind. It is just too torturous.

as a person who has dealt with anxiety before, one thing people with anxious thoughts and urges do is give into those urges to soothe the anxiety. the problem is that sometimes those things can be self sabotaging.

learning to delay that need for gratification is in part how one learns to manage and even limit anxiety. doing so has taught me that my feelings will pass, and to think through my actions.

acting on anxiety is not going to help you in these circumstances, long or short term.

He asked that I be patient and give this more time. She needs to process a few things herself and work this out.
... .
Not sure what more I can do. 

anxiety will tell a person that they need to do something, or do more, even if its detrimental to what theyre trying to achieve.

in this case, your partner expressly needs time and space, she has put up high walls (not impenetrable) in order to focus on her healing... .which is ultimately beneficial either for your relationship, or for her personally, or both. its very much in your interest to give that to her.

it is also very much in your interest to give that to yourself - take the time and space and use to focus on healing.

theres a therapy appointment in two days (youve almost made it). you mentioned making an appointment with your doctor this week. any news on that front?

[2020]

Thank you once removed. I have never really been all that anxious in the past as far as I have recognised. It is in recent days my anxiety has gone through the roof. I literally start fidgeting and writhing around. I feel like I am going mad. I have been trying to go through the facts but all I end up doing is getting into mind loops. Regardless of what her family have decided in regard to me having no contact, she has contacted me and the conversations have been what I'd describe as kind and somewhat loving. It is quite a slap in the face when you are painted out to be a cause of this when infact I was desperately trying to support her and have done for years. I have my appointment with my therapist on Wednesday the 9th at 11am. I had been trying to contact him and make an appointment since early December. It has been a long wait. I have a doctor appointment on Thursday the 10th at 3pm.

[2020]

An update... .and some positive news for a change !

Today I saw my therapist and we spoke for two hours about the situation my partner and I are in. He is quite well versed in DBT and BPD; infact he first dropped hints to me some years ago as to what might be behind some of this. I had printed out my recent emails between my partner and I and was desperate for his opinion as to which way this was heading. I told him I had buckled in and rang the mental health unit and was told to try again tonight. He briefed me on how to approach a conversation with my partner which was pretty much along the lines of what has been suggested here on this site. Go lightly, nothing too heavy. He suggested on focusing on my partner and her recovery. Not to speak about the past if possible; keep it in the present moment.

So I rang and got through. It was the first time I had heard her voice in two weeks. It was a very emotional moment. I was actually in a call box as neither of us own phones (haha, don't ask). She said she loves me and misses me. I told her the same. We spoke about what she has been through and where she is at right now. We spoke about us and a little about the future.

On new Years Eve after the emails between ourselves, she attempted suicide and ended up in hospital. Then on her Birthday, she drank and did the same thing. She has been medicated now and says she feels a little better. She has been assigned a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a drug and alcohol counsellor who will help her on the road to recovery. She seems to think she will be discharged on Friday, but maybe that might be a little soon. Her sister will look after her until she is well enough to think about what to do next. I imagine we will meet up next week sometime. I will be phoning her again tomorrow.

We spoke about whether there is a future for us and she said she would like to think so. We agreed on turning a new chapter, proceeding slowly and with caution and respect. Also to proceed whilst both in therapy and to jointly commence therapy in future.

Tonight I feel my spirits have been lifted. My emotions and head is in a whirl. I am also feeling sad for the other people on this site still struggling today. I hope things shift for you too. Perhaps it is not the end of the road yet for me. I intend to arm myself with more knowledge and become a better listener. I need to keep working on myself. I will be seeing my therapist weekly for some time now. There will no doubt be tough times ahead.

Thank you all for your continued support and consoling me through some very dire and desperate times. I only hope I can be supportive to you in return. This is a very special place. I am glad to have found it. Take care.

[Sandb2015]

I'm happy for you, I'm not qualified to give any advice on anything.  I'm crying like a baby at my desk for myself.  I can see your hope.

[2020]

Thank you Sandb2015. My sister and my kids were telling me it is a cycle and likely that she'd be back. I think the difference here is she had a major crisis where she has been scrutinized by the mental health system. I sent her flowers yesterday which she loved and I spoke on the phone to her last night. Once she started talking to me again, a massive weight was lifted. I have become calmer and more relaxed. I have hope again. I hope she embraces therapy and keeps at it and I hope she abstains from alcohol. And there are hopes for the future. There is no doubt about it, I have a lot of myself tied up in her. I'd like to shift that. Only a few days ago I had no hope at all. I feel really sad for you as I get what this is like for you. I don't want to give you false hope, but just remember that they can switch very quickly from one state to the opposite.

[Radcliff]

once removed's comments on anxiety really point to the center of what you are dealing with.  I'm glad you've got the support of a therapist, and are intending to work on yourself while she is in the care of others.  Though I'm sad to hear about the suicide attempts, I'm glad to hear that she's been connected with help that seems to be at the level she needs.

How are your sons doing?  Now that you know she's safe, can you breathe a bit and schedule some joyful activities that could lift your spirits?

RC

[Sandb2015]

I hope everything works out, you have more experience than me and your writing seems healthier than me and I’m crying on my phone typing this and feel your feelings and would turn myself inside out for the same.  I’m in a very dark limbo and wrestle with anger and feel like I have to mourn, it’s not fair!

[2020]

Radcliff, you are a very kind person. Yes I am fortunate to have a therapist who is supportive and I am looking forward to seeing him weekly for a while. Next appointment is next Wednesday. Anxiety is difficult to deal with. I can't say I have ever experienced it at the level I have in recent days. Just having some contact with my partner has dropped the anxiety down to a fraction of what it was. Those walls around my partner are tall, but they are thin. They are more of a screen or curtain and I will stand back and allow her to do the things she needs to do to make her life more manageable for herself. My youngest son has gone to stay with his mother. He is a lot of work and a break from him has allowed me to rest. I am catching up on sleep throughout the day. My eldest son is getting quite a lot of live music work which is helping pay bills and means he is away some of the time too. I am enjoying resting and not having to do much other than read. Today I returned to a large picture I was working on before this happened. Yes I am beathing.

Sandb2015, while I am relieved I am not in that torment I was in less than a week ago, I know this can all change instantly and often without perceptible warning. But I think that is the nature of it. One minute it is good; the next it is bad, and vice versa. It is hard to see the change coming. I don't know what the answer is. That question you read here on this site as to deciding whether you are prepared to take on a relationship like this, is not to be taken lightly. This is a lot of work and you'll have to weather some harsh emotional seas. Let's be serious here; I might just be basking in the eye of a tornado. All I can do is try to get myself stronger while I can. Maybe you can try the same? It isn't easy when you are so down, I know. Try and be patient. Get a birds eye view of what is going on for you. There is a chance this may be a pattern. I am thinking good thoughts for you. I am sorry to hear you are suffering so.

  

[once removed]

it sounds like you landed a good therapist!

im glad things have taken a positive turn. dont underestimate the work here that will need to be done. now that youre feeling better, its a good time to really dig in. the old problems and conflict are still there. they will need to be resolved in healthier ways long term. short term problems will likely surface... .i suspect trust is greatly damaged between the two of you. you will need to work together with patience and understanding and vulnerability. we can help.

[Cat Familiar]

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