H wants to support the family but has a sense of unfairness about money give to me

[Enabler]

Speaking from the perspective of a man who would describe himself as rational but capable of an extremely wide range of emotions... .i.e. I'm very emotional and expressive but it tends to be for a rationally thought out reason. I am very hands on and practical and like to solve things.

My rational mind meeting childish emotional mind = conflict. Tie this together with expressive emotions and it tended to be a vocal clash of conflict. I just did not understand my children's expressive emotional emotions vs my expressive rational emotions. They were talking nonsense and behaving completely irrationally. I think it's safe to say that it's only been in the last 3 years, educating myself on child development and increasing my emotional intelligence (which I have to say I had given no time to do before as I'd been FAR too busy 'solving' things aka rescuing. It's literally flipped my relationship with the kids on it's head and I now 'get it'. I'd have thought that my W would get it as well since emotionally they are all very similar... .but there's something stopping that from happening. Yes she can do the kindness and the sensitive quiet conversations, cuddles and emotional stuff... .but when it comes to the emotionally confrontational side of things she just seems to be so conflict avoidant and sensitive to the emotional nonsense that comes out of the kids mouths she too can't relate.

Notwendy, my guess is that your H is hurt by your kids emotional expression and therefore backs off and hides from it all. I searched 'numbing out' yesterday. Something I see in my wife where she zones out and becomes like a deer in headlights, she's not thinking, she's not feeling and she's not responding... .I don't know but it looks like she internally screaming "MAKE IT STOP". I guess you can call it dissociation but it's very much like you've turned into a zombie.

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

Part of being a teen is differentiating from a parent. They are the ones who are awkward about this- hormonal, young, and don't know who they are yet, so they take the stance of "not my parent" rather than "me" as "me" is still developing. They need to do this to establish themselves as individuals. They can still be well behaved ( and hopefully are) but they begin to question the parents and sometimes take an opposite stance. It's the parent that needs to be mature and non emotionally reactive when a teen is being emotional, and that's a tough job for someone who also isn't good at managing their feelings. I expect this behavior on your wife's part to increase as your girls go through their teen years.

Notwendy and I certainly got to experience this as we transited from adolescence to adulthood. My mother became increasingly volatile as I individuated from her and didn't take her advice, some of which was good.

Enabler, you are doing a great thing for your girls to validate their self worth when their mother says this.

Totally agree. My dad stood up for me at times when my mother was irrational and it was a great support.

For my H, his role model was his emotionally distant father who worked and didn't participate in child care. He sees this as his role but the emotional distance keeps him from feeling connected to his family. It makes sense he'd feel resentful, but to connect with his family, he needs to spend time with us and emotionally connect with us.  I think society recognizes achievement in the workforce for men, and not the emotional nurturing, and yet, connection with a father is important to children too and we need to recognize this more.

My dad was very close to me when I was younger, but then backed off when hormones turned me into an irrational teenager. I really don't think he had any idea of what to do with me, but he did do a lot of driving to take me and my friends places. I know he really tried, but he was over his head, perhaps just exhausted by dealing with an irrational BPD wife and now an irrational hormonal teenager.

[Cat Familiar]

My rational mind meeting childish emotional mind = conflict. Tie this together with expressive emotions and it tended to be a vocal clash of conflict. I just did not understand my children's expressive emotional emotions vs my expressive rational emotions. They were talking nonsense and behaving completely irrationally. I think it's safe to say that it's only been in the last 3 years, educating myself on child development and increasing my emotional intelligence (which I have to say I had given no time to do before as I'd been FAR too busy 'solving' things aka rescuing.

This is awesome, Enabler!   

I think that historically men have been in the trenches, working so hard to support their families, that they have deferred to their wives and didn't learn how to communicate well with their children. Now that so many women are working too, these traditional gender roles are collapsing and men are discovering that they too can have a great bond with their children. And learning about child development is a great step in understanding what the heck is going on with those little ones.