When do know that someone has "changed"

[alphabeta]

Hi There,

I have been extremely LC with my uBPD mother for about six months, and she has written me and texted me during this time.

My question for everyone out there is when do you know if your loved one has "changed" for the better.

In her most recent letter, my mother gave me the guilt trip that "life is short, and we should reconnect."  Also, she said "be empathic with me" and let me back into your life.

I went virtually NC with her because she was abusive to me (emotionally), my wife (emotionally and physically), and my son (emotionally and physically).  Furthermore, she was very enmeshed in my life, and wanted to control many aspects of my life.  Setting boundaries with her had the consequence of multiple suicide threats, which was extremely emotionally draining.

When I told her that I wanted to have a more distant relationship and keep my son at bay from her, she didn't understand -- which led to a five hour conversation which involved her either saying she was a victim or having her blame and belittle me.

Since then I haven't spoken to her.

She then sent me a letter telling me that she was very sorry for being so stupid for not understanding what had caused me for driving her away.  However, she didn't understand why she couldn't maintain contact with my son.

After I sent her an email outlining what she had done to me and my family, she wrote me a letter stating that she realized that she did many things to hurt my family, yet she only generalized what she did (and did not specify what she had done over the years).  She also told me that she was following the advice of a self help book, and that she had changed and would no longer interfere in my life. 

I do recognize that she is living alone and getting older, so it must be difficult not being able to engage with her family. 

However, I am still skeptical of what she is capable of doing (I think that a self-help book alone won't be enough to help her + the fact that she hasn't spelled out what actions she has committed which have driven me away) and the harm she may cause on me and my family -- my son is still in therapy to cope with what she's done to him.

What signs have you seen from your loved ones which have indicated that they have changed for the better?

[zachira]

My question is: When do you know that you have changed? I ask this question because when you have truly changed you will have accepted to the best of your abilities that the people in your life with BPD/NPD are unlikely to change. When you  have truly given up hope that they will change for the better, it is easier to see where the people with BPD/NPD are, and if they have changed at all because sometimes they do make small changes, or if it is just the same manipulative behaviors over and over again.

[Harri]

Hi.  Good to hear from you again.

Reading a self help book is not going to help her get over whatever it was that was/is causing her very extreme dysregulations.  Certainly not 6 months.

zachira got right  to the heart of the matter.  Have you changed?  That is what you need to look at first.  How would you want to handle any contact?  Would it involve your family?

[alphabeta]

Hi Harri and Zachira,

Thanks for the replies.  I never thought of asking myself the question of how have I changed.

The answer is that I have changed a lot with respect to my mother during the past year.

A year ago, my main aim was to appease her so that she wouldn't exhibit her destructive behaviors.  With respect of her behaviors towards others, I would excuse her, and recommend that they follow my lead.  This behavior of mine had a negative impact on my relationship with others, especially my wife (she wanted a separation) and my son.

Now I recognize that some of my mother's behaviors are unacceptable, and, during the last few times I spoke with her, I told her that engaging in certain behaviors would cause me to leave the conversation.  Unfortunately, this, in turn, would lead to suicide threats or threats of abandonment (she would tell me that she would leave me and my family and was going to join the Peace Corps and help children in Africa).  This sort of banter was overwhelming, especially the suicide threats.

Am I currently willing to put up with the suicide threats now (regardless of my greater awareness of personality disorder(s)?  No.

Will I excuse my mother if threatens my son with abandonment or suicide at this moment (because of her personality disorder(s)?  No.

I think I've answered the question... .

[Harri]

HI.     You have done a lot of hard work and it shows!

A year ago, my main aim was to appease her so that she wouldn't exhibit her destructive behaviors.  With respect of her behaviors towards others, I would excuse her, and recommend that they follow my lead.

You said this so clearly that you helped solidify a murky connection in my own head regarding wanting others to follow my lead... .trying to explain how to handle the pwBPD.  Thank you for that. 


Can I ask how you and your wife are doing with things now that you have done all this work and your mom is no longer such a big factor in your lives?

Another thing to consider is your son.  How would he feel if you were to allow his abuser back in your life?  Would it have a negative impact on him?  Your wife too.   There are so many moving parts in your situation.

 

[zachira]

I agree with you that you have answered the question. Congratulations on all the hard work you have done in looking at the difficulties with your mother and how it affects you and your family. I hope I did not seem callous in my initial reply. We want so badly for our family members to change, to hear our pain, and get genuine apologies for all the horrible hurt they have caused, and as you are recognizing, none of this is likely to happen. It is one thing to be hurt by a partner and/or a friend and move on. The life long desire to be loved by our parents never goes away because the love of our parents is a strong foundation for well being  in the past, present, and future. The members on this site share from time to time how they have suddenly become upset by the past and current hurts they feel from their parents, even when the parents have been out of their lives and/or have been deceased for a long time. You are acknowledging how you are affected, which allows for the painful feelings to overwhelm you less and less. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi alphabeta,

I love how zachira approached the question turned around and looked at from the opposite angle. Very clever!   Nice job in your answer as well.

One of the best illustrations about "how do you know if they've changed"  I came across quite recently, and it has intrigued me.  It was written in regards to a marriage relationship, but I think the parallel is still applicable to nearly any situation. I was looking at a typical abuse cycle, the steps of it, identifying when someone is in the tension building stage before any abuse takes place. It could be verbal or emotional abuse, not just physical abuse btw. The person speaking suggested that you can tell when a person is working at changing by how they are when they in the tension building stage of the cycle. If I, for example, pointed out to my friend that she was acting grumpy and that I was going to leave the house for a while to let her settle, if she could see that she was getting grumpy and said something like, "Oh, I see what you mean. No, you won't have to go because I will work at calming myself down," then it can be an indicator that she is trying to self soothe and is increasing in awareness of self. This is just an example that I heard, not something I have tried, but it made sense to me.

Wools

[alphabeta]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for your concern and encouragement.

To answer your questions,

Can I ask how you and your wife are doing with things now that you have done all this work and your mom is no longer such a big factor in your lives?

My wife and I are closer than we ever have been during our thirteen years of marriage.  I think that she sees that a part of me is there for her -- in the past most of my emotional energy was devoted to my mother.

Another thing to consider is your son.  How would he feel if you were to allow his abuser back in your life?  Would it have a negative impact on him?  Your wife too. 

My son and I discussed the other day what our feelings towards my mother are.  He is still scared of her, which causes a lot of anxiety in him.  He is currently in therapy to help cope with his anxiety, and I hope things can get better for him, because it hurts to see him suffer.

My wife currently doesn't want to have a relationship with my mother -- after all the pain she's endured.  The emotional pain has outweighed the physical -- the barrage of my mother's insults spread over the years have included that she was a sociopath, that she was akin to Adolph Hitler, that she was no better than a prostitute, that she was the coldest person on Earth, that she was inferior due to her race and upbringing. 
These insults made her feel like the she was a horrible person, and after ten years of therapy, she realizes that she isn't and that something is wrong with my mother.

Also, I see that, after learning about BPD, it isn't strange that my mother wanted my wife to be her best friend -- however, my wife never wanted a friend who treated her in such a negative manner.   

Needless to say, I feel that, at this moment, it is more important to focus on helping my son heal than bringing my mother back into our lives.  I will see how I feel once he gets better... .

[Harri]

Hi alphabeta.   

Those are a lot of really positive changes that you talk about.  It is great that you are now able to connect better with your wife!  I am glad you got help for your son as well.  The changes in you and the way you interact with your family and the changes in your wife (knowing that she is good and not what your mom said about her) will help your son as well.

I think you are doing really good work and asking all the right questions!