What's the big problem in your relationship lately?

[once removed]

What's the big point of conflict in your relationship lately, and how are you and your partner going about it?

[Ozzie101]

At the moment? My family. They're kind of a constant.

I don't know how to go about it right now, though I'm thinking that my approach will be to step back. If he has a problem with someone or how they're handling something, I'm going to tell him he needs to talk to them. Most of the time, I don't have the problem he has with someone/something. Remove myself from the middle. Hand his problem to him.

[Vincenta]

Trust (lack of it).

I do not have any trust in my pwBPD anymore. Meaning I cannot tell him hardly anything about my life anymore. Everything might be used against me later in a twisted way or another.
Now, what kind of relationship is that ?
Right, therefore I am here on 'conflicted' forum. 

[Notwendy]

I'm going to call it "half trust" for lack of a better word.

Thankfully the big things are in order and I do have trust. As far as I know, there isn't infidelity, spending us into debt, lying.

But there's omission of things, emotionally, personally. My H will make unilateral decisions about finances and not tell me, then I find out. He won't share his schedule with me and sometimes he's shows up or stays at home unexpectedly as he has the day off and doesn't tell me.

He expressed concern that if he told me he had the day off, I'd "take his time" away by asking him to do something. But all he'd have to say is that he needs the time to do personal things and I'd understand, but he doesn't express what he wants. If he wanted something expensive, I'd rather we talk about it, but I support him having things he would want. Instead, he'd just spend a lot of money on something and I'd find out later. He doesn't share his thoughts or feelings much.

I came into the marriage with trust. He came in with mistrust. Hid actions, feelings , thoughts, plans as he didn't trust enough to share them. Now, the mistrust is with me too. I don't share my schedule all the time. I like my time to myself. I'm not doing anything illicit or against the marriage, but I don't want to share every detail of my day with someone who won't share with me. It's not really a  payback, but a sense of wanting privacy after being an open book to someone who isn't one. I don't have anything to hide ( except posting here). My sense of morals is not according to what he thinks of me but my own values. Cheating, lying, being dishonest with money would be against those values and that isn't happening, but if I choose to read a book or run an errand in my spare time, I don't feel a desire to share everything I do.

I don't know how to solve this one. He is who he is, and I've adapted over the years to it. I think our relationship works pretty well,  but the distance between us seems larger than other couples I know.

[Enabler]

Deceit... .in all forms:

- telling me she is doing one thing and doing another (typically involving spending time with her special friend/lover/other man (whatever)
- omitting information that may give me an accurate picture of my reality e.g. spending on clothes
- embellishing and exaggerating information to give me a false impression of my reality e.g. I have no time, I never get to go out, I never get to exercise.

To be fair, the conflict is mainly now in my head as I am learning to hold judgement and avoid shaming and blaming, and more observe how and where she tries to deceive me from 30k ft. Blaming and shaming results in a change in behaviour, and I'd rather know where to look than have to play hide and seek.

Actual conflict, or more accurately her dysregulation comes from the kids... .who are naturally invalidating.

[AskingWhy]

In my R/S, it's my uBPDs enmeshment with all of his adult children.  They are all near 30 and live on their own.

With one D, he talks to her on the phone or texts every... .single... .day.  She is married and lives in another town, and a stay-at-home mother, and she sends photos of the grandchildren... .every... .single... .day.  When she calls, it's all about the grandchildren, what they are for breakfast, what toy they are favouring today, etc.

With the other D, it's managing one crisis after another:  another breakup with a boyfriend, another car accident, or being fired from another job. (This D is likely BPD, suicide attempts, substance abuse and all.)

With the son, who is a drug addict, an alcoholic and often homeless, H is like a drinking buddy.  On the rare times the S will call, as he is mostly on the street, H will meet him for lunch (and they share a pitcher of beer; talk about enabling), then give the young man thousands of dollars that only go for drugs and alcohol.

As he splits his children white (they can do no wrong), I am split black.  I am surely split black when I mention the amount of money he spends on them or his lack of boundaries with them.

Of course, trust is an issue because H gives his children thousands of dollars without telling me.

Same B/S, different day.  If it's not one adult child, it's another.