Newbie? Just looking for more information

[djeneba99]

Hi there,

A BPD diagnosis was thrown out as a possibility in a couples counseling situation(by the counselor) with my husband I have been with for almost 19 years.  Looking back I can see that it could be true and explain a lot and I'm kinda reeling from it all.  He's in the worst place he's ever been at the moment and we are on the verge of breaking up despite having two amazing kiddos who would be heartbroken at the thought and whom he is *generally* able to parent in a kind and loving way-they adore him.
Just looking for others out there to get stories and thoughts and more info. Thanks.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi djeneba99,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I bet that you're reeling after hearing those words "borderline personality disorder" the good news is now you know what you're dealing with and you can learn why he acts the why that he does and you can learn the tools. I bet that was really hard not knowing what you're dealing with for almost 20 years.  Can I ask you what BPD traits your H?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome! 

You are in a good place for support and talking with people who understand.   

How did your husband respond to hearing he may have BPD?

I hope you feel free to settle in and read and post.  It is the best way to get support and can help you get a handle on your own situation.  When you are ready, I hope you share more of your story.

[djeneba99]

Thank you both.  So he responded as if he was unfamiliar with the disorder.  He's been treated for the past three years for PTSD, although that's been a very confusing diagnosis for me at times as the exact trauma was unclear.  Regardless, he did show some improvements over with EMDR therapy for a while, but in the past year, there have been two acute "episodes" where the splitting and verbal abuse were intense to say the least.  He's a brilliant gaslighter and with my own issues of an extreme need to trust, it gets bad.  I'm working on my stuff too.

Other things he shows... .well, when under stress, the black and white thinking is tough, as is the inability to future think(that one has always been an issue).  He has rage issues that have cost him numerous jobs and got us kicked out of carpool last year.  Substance abuse and lying... .so much lying.  I'm 99% sure there are still secrets that will continue to be uncovered.

It is good to know and provides a framework, but man, its been a tough few years.  He's under employed and, for the most part, I have been doing all the work, kid wrestling, life organizing and money management (a job in and of itself as with his under employment we've been in finanical crisis for a long time).  He left the house for a month last month I said I needed space which, of course, set him off more.  But I didn't even realize how much I needed the breather to just have some predictability to my days.

I'm in the midst of processing a lot of shame.  Wishing I'd seen things sooner-I'm a smart girl, I should have known better.  Wishing I hadn't enabled this behavior for so long.  And I'm so angry at him. Angry that he accepted this as his life for so long and just checked out of any agency around it.  He's now in an outpatient program that is supposed to help, but he's so smart I can already see him trying to work that system.  Its the best option in town, so I know that they know his game, but he's fooled numerous therapists over the years.  Its hard to have anymore faith and its SOO hard not to get into it with him.  I do well for a few days and then, out of sheer exhaustion, I take the bait and try to out logic him.  Thats the work I'm doing now.  Just trying to be ok with my own life, which beyond him is rich and full and loving and not get into it with him.

And wondering if there is any chance of love left in the midst of all of this.  Its one thing to have the context of a mental health disorder, its a whole other to suss out where the lines are around that and how to ever have trust again.  And to have faith that after years of therapy and such that he can actually get better this time.  And to not carry my anger with me going forward.  It needs a place to go and I'm not going to lie, I deeply want it to go through a big stick straight into his balls (sorry to be graphic), I'm so pissed.

Anyhoo, thanks for listening.

[Harri]

Hi again and thanks for sharing more of your story with us.  There is a lot of overlap in the behaviors associated with PTSD and BPD especially when talking about c-PTSD (chronic PTSD).  It is not yet in the DSM but a lot of people diagnosed with PTSD get the diagnosis as a result of chronic abuse rather than one traumatic experience.  Is there a history of childhood abuse? 

I'm in the midst of processing a lot of shame.  Wishing I'd seen things sooner-I'm a smart girl, I should have known better.  Wishing I hadn't enabled this behavior for so long.  And I'm so angry at him.

I understand what you are saying and I think a lot of us can relate.  As you learn more about the disorder and how it can affect relationships I think your shame will begin to dissipate.   Being angry is certainly a normal response to a very difficult situation.  In time, that too can lessen but in the meantime working on you and understanding what happened will help.

Its hard to have anymore faith and its SOO hard not to get into it with him.  I do well for a few days and then, out of sheer exhaustion, I take the bait and try to out logic him.  Thats the work I'm doing now.  Just trying to be ok with my own life, which beyond him is rich and full and loving and not get into it with him.

   Logic does not work very well when dealing with disordered people or even non disordered people sometimes.  BPD is emotion driven so appealing to that side while also using logic for yourself will generally be more successful with people who are upset... .and I do mean all people.   We have tools here that can help the process.   The good news is that you are here and we can help you learn them and the tools also help in other relationships you may have both personally and professionally. 

Just trying to be ok with my own life, which beyond him is rich and full and loving and not get into it with him.

It is good that you have this outside of your relationship with him.  Having a strong outside support system, in addition to us   , is critical for you and your self care.

It is okay to be angry.  It is okay to talk about it too.  and it is excellent that you said:

And to not carry my anger with me going forward.  It needs a place to go

but lets work on finding a different place to put it okay?   

Reading what you said about trying to use logic on him made me think of one tool that is very helpful at ending or even heading off circular arguments.  I am not sure if it fits, but read it anyway as it will be helpful.  The article is called Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When we do these things it can come across  as invalidating and often that increases and extends conflict which is not good for either of you.  I also like it because if found doing these things disempowering and frustrating.  See what you think and let us know if it is helpful.

[djeneba99]

I won’t hurt him, I promise. 

It’s hard to remember that on some level he’s working hard at this. It generally feels like he’s checking out. And our life and our dreams can’t have him checked out right now. They need both of us to survive.