He's responding very well to love

[Coldfish]

I have seen a tremendous change in him since he has returned. I can certainly say he has missed me. He even gave me a house key to his apartment. I find showering him with love but yet not calling attention to it has really opened him up. For instance he gave me the key to his apartment so I bought over some toilet paper and put it on the roll when he ran out. I didn't tell him I did it, I just did it. He will notice it when he goes to use the restroom.

I didn't call attention to it.

I have washed some of his clothes and go to walk his dog and spend time with his dog while he is at work. I am am not there when he gets off. I do not hound or call him when he gets off. If he wants me to come over then he can ask.

Just because he gave me a key doesn't mean I am taking over his life. I have found a way to be close to him and yet give him space at same time.

Another thing I found out is he wants you to listen and hear him. He likes discussing politics. I could care less and hate discussing politics. However, because it's important to him I listen to broadcasts and watch movies that he tells me are really good and I should see.

Basically I try to love or understand what he loves.

Thirdly, I act on my love for him. Before he had a intense fear of abadonment. Now because of my actions he is learning that I do love him. I still tell him but I show him. More importantly he deduces it for himself. To him love is an action word.

I have never seen someone respond so positively to love. I make sure I touch him alot, he gets all the sex he wants and I give him closeness and space at the same time. He still aks me if I love him so I verbally confirm it as well.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

I give him closeness and space at the same time

I'm curious because my gf got triggered by me taking some space. if she were to resume contact I would like to have at least some idea of how that happens, both space and closeness at the same time?

I don't know your story so I hope you don't mind me asking  you said he returned, were you separated? how long have you been together total? is he your husband?

And not to sound pessimistic but could this be an idealization phase? I ask because so far my gf also becomes the most loving person when she "returns" but the issues have resurfaced some time after. have you noticed something different this time around that was not there before?

Congrats on things turning out ok for you btw 

[Coldfish]

He returned from visiting his family. This January makes five months that I have known him.

When I first met him I told him he wasn't running from something he was running towards something. I knew he was lonely but the mouth, demeanor, ect said otherwise. It was all white noise. I just focused on the man underneath. As I began to spend time with him I watched and studied him and I learned what he truly needed, what he likes etc. I learned to look past the white noise.

The first two weeks he told he his diagnosis and I told him I didn't care. I really had no idea what they entailed anyways. The only one I was vaguely familiar with was ptsd. Throughout me knowing him though I never treated him like he had a diagnosis. I don't walk on egg shells, etc with him. I don't down play when he does something irrational or bad behavior. I tell him how I feel. Bad behavior is just bad behavior. I don't give him a hall pass for anything because no one gives me one.

Two weeks was all I got in the beginning. He put me on a pedestal and two weeks later he changed. Now I learn from this. I have noticed a pattern with him. Two weeks seems to be the time he moods shift. I haven't mentioned it to him yet about that but it is fascinating that it's almost like clockwork.

My partner is very dualed natured. He is both extremes walking at the same time. By learning him I realized midway through this that he needs both at the same time. I know he is a man of opposites. If he is happy there will be sadness right there. If he is tired he is also hyper at the same time... .goes to bed late and sometimes can't sleep. If he is is angry and cuts you off then there will be a time when he wants to reconcile and be around you.

When I say space and closeness at the same time I am understanding his dualed nature. He gave me a key. I come and go as I please now ( that's the closeness) . He likes knowing I am there and I am in his bed etc. He also likes to come home sometime and just be by himself ( that's the space). I don't hang around at his place When I know he's about to come home, I am gone. If he wants to see me he can call me and ask me to come over. When he wants love I smother him with it (that's the closeness) he's very open to it and it like magic between us. When he needs time to himself cause his mood changes ( that's the closeness) I just wait until he calls for me.

He has to satisfy both sides to be happy. He can't have all love, ect. Neither can he have all hate and anger.

He has relaxed a ton around me because I understand him. He says I " get him". Yes sweetheart I " get you " now let me walk the other way.

[Radcliff]

That's excellent that you're figuring out a way to relate to him that is working better for both of you.  It sounds like you are being flexible and caring.  When you say you don't give him a "hall pass" for bad behavior, can you talk to us about an example of bad behavior and how you respond?

RC

[Coldfish]

An example of bad behavior was when he was self medicating. He was drinking alot and half hazardly taking his meds. He was acting very out of character towards me. He also had pulled away, wasnt really communicating. Initially, I gave him space for about two weeks. His behavior did not improve. So, I told him how I felt. I told him I felt he wasn't taking his meds and he was self medicating. I also told him he was self destructing.

He found this very funny. Said he was laughing his booty off. He laughed and told me to stop contacting him. Blocked me even. You know what? I did. I walked away. I stopped trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved. I got my own stuff to deal with and I know what I am worth.

The space was the key. He came looking for me. Humble. He stopped drinking so much and started taking his pills better. I never mentioned anything about the past, we both understood where we stood. By that I mean I don't hound him or go on and on about bad behavior. He does better if I say my piece and then I walk away and focus on me.

I know my self worth. I know what I bring to the table and I know that he knows what I am worth. Give me my worth. If a man feels that he is so charming and there are dozens of women waiting to throw themselves in front of a moving train for him, then by all means dont let me stop progress.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like he did not react well to being told what to do.  But then you gave him space, which protected you from being around his self-medicating behavior.  Your first objective was to get away from that behavior, and you were willing to accept it if he changed the behavior, or broke up with you.  Does that capture it?

RC

[Coldfish]

One pill , no pill or twenty pills, it makes no nevermind to me. It wasn’t so much that I was trying to influence his behavior as I was not going to allow someone to put me through things that are totally unnecessary. Imagine someone having a diagnosis and if they take their meds they can be helped to lead a more productive or healthy life. Now these pills might not cure them but they can help them and those around them lead a more healthy life. So then imagine you have his person who won’t takr the pills. They say nahhhhhh. Ok. So you don’t love me enough or yourself enough to be as healthy as you can be but you want me to love you enough to put up with totally unnecessary behavior? Not gonna happen.

This relationship is gonna take two people because that’s the very idea of a relationship, more than one. I look at it as why put someone through unnecessary pain ect. When you can prevent it or at least try to? If someone does not love themselves then they cannot love you.

My first objective is to always look out for him. Show him things he has trouble seeing , help him when he needs help, look out for him ( have his back) . My second objective is to never be a sacrifice for him. It shouldn’t take all that. We both walk this together as in looking out for each other or we don’t walk it at all.

He takes his pills better. He has cut way back on his drinking. He asked me to help him find a better doctor recently. He even went to vaping which has helped him tremendously. He made the choice totally on his own.

I will walk with him and help him but I am not laying on the alter for him. If I don’t need a shrink coming into this relationship then I won’t need one when I leave it either. I will walk this journey with him beside him but not being dragged behind.

[Radcliff]

It wasn’t so much that I was trying to influence his behavior as I was not going to allow someone to put me through things that are totally unnecessary.

Exactly.  Boundaries are about controlling our own behavior to protect ourselves.  This approach is further described in this page on setting boundaries.

My first objective is to always look out for him. Show him things he has trouble seeing , help him when he needs help, look out for him ( have his back) . My second objective is to never be a sacrifice for him. It shouldn’t take all that. We both walk this together as in looking out for each other or we don’t walk it at all.

pwBPD do best when they have a partner who combines support with strong boundaries.  It sounds like this is the approach you are aiming for.

RC