How do you deal with constant blame from BPD parent?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Guys, It is my first post here. I am currently staying with a BPD parent and forgot how tough it gets.
I am a girl in my 20's and financially independent and currently visiting my family. My aunt specifically. She raised me and was my primary caretaker since I was 14. I am visiting from abroad( I live out of the country) and things were somewhat well she got angry a few times but then cooled down. Today was the worst... .it is actually still happening. She got angry about a trivial thing( I didn't mop the floor while working and doing tens of other things) and just started going off for hours about everything she perceived me to do wrong which is everything. Whenever she is angry she blames me for everything my mom's choices, my sick grandma living with her(her mom), for living abroad and "abandoning the family" etc. I listened and just kept on keeping on being positive, helping out but then it peaked and i just couldn't be calm and realized I have to leave.I responded in an emotional manner, I cried... .The worst part is once you try to leave you become the betrayer, someone who doesn't prioritize family and a monster without feelings. She is not just angry she is sad and crying making it hard to leave while simultaneously saying horrible cutting insults. She has been ranting for the past 5 hours. I know that I can help her and with things but it never works because once I start implementing the steps she explodes at some point and its impossible to be  anywhere near her.
I just don't know what to do... .I am supposed to leave the country in 8 days and I realize I want to spend time with family especially my grandma. but I also know that I cant be in an abusive situation where I hear horrible insults about every aspect of myself for 12 hours straight. My friends say I have to leave the situation because it is not safe and rationally I understand but I just keep thinking maybe I can weather this so I can enjoy those good days before I leave since I won't see them for a while again. Every time I tried to set boundaries and say I will leave if she keeps behaving this way she always says our relationship is over and she will forget my name once I walk out of that door. I know she said it to me multiple times over the years but each time she does I think maybe she means it maybe she won't talk to me ever again. I know our relationship is far from perfect but she is the primary maternal role that I have in my life and when it is good it is great.How do you deal when you know that at the moment you have to leave for your sake and the sake of your mental health yet you are scared that your relationship is over? How not to feel guilty for prioritizing your safety and health?
I would appreciate any sort of advice, stories, kindness and uplifting words.
Thank you so much

[Violet00]

Hi Guys, It is my first post here. I am currently staying with a BPD parent and forgot how tough it gets.
I am a girl in my 20's and financially independent and currently visiting my family. My aunt specifically. She raised me and was my primary caretaker since I was 14. I am visiting from abroad( I live out of the country) and things were somewhat well she got angry a few times but then cooled down. Today was the worst... .it is actually still happening. She got angry about a trivial thing( I didn't mop the floor while working and doing tens of other things) and just started going off for hours about everything she perceived me to do wrong which is everything. Whenever she is angry she blames me for everything my mom's choices, my sick grandma living with her(her mom), for living abroad and "abandoning the family" etc. I listened and just kept on keeping on being positive, helping out but then it peaked and i just couldn't be calm and realized I have to leave.I responded in an emotional manner, I cried... .The worst part is once you try to leave you become the betrayer, someone who doesn't prioritize family and a monster without feelings. She is not just angry she is sad and crying making it hard to leave while simultaneously saying horrible cutting insults. She has been ranting for the past 5 hours. I know that I can help her and with things but it never works because once I start implementing the steps she explodes at some point and its impossible to be  anywhere near her.
I just don't know what to do... .I am supposed to leave the country in 8 days and I realize I want to spend time with family especially my grandma. but I also know that I cant be in an abusive situation where I hear horrible insults about every aspect of myself for 12 hours straight. My friends say I have to leave the situation because it is not safe and rationally I understand but I just keep thinking maybe I can weather this so I can enjoy those good days before I leave since I won't see them for a while again. Every time I tried to set boundaries and say I will leave if she keeps behaving this way she always says our relationship is over and she will forget my name once I walk out of that door. I know she said it to me multiple times over the years but each time she does I think maybe she means it maybe she won't talk to me ever again. I know our relationship is far from perfect but she is the primary maternal role that I have in my life and when it is good it is great.How do you deal when you know that at the moment you have to leave for your sake and the sake of your mental health yet you are scared that your relationship is over? How not to feel guilty for prioritizing your safety and health?
I would appreciate any sort of advice, stories, kindness and uplifting words.
Thank you so much

[Turkish]

It sounds like there also may be a cultural issue in play here, yes? Was it similar to this when you were growing up?

Regardless, you are an independent entity,  free to make your own way in life.  That doesn't mean disrespecting your family,  but she may see it like this.  More specifically,  she sounds overwhelmed.  A person with BPD traits has trouble managing their emotions,  and lashing out is a (dysfunctional) coping mechanism which hurts others,  you. 

You spoke of setting boundaries. With a pwBPD,  that can be tricky. Have you seen any of the tools here which might help? The most basic is SET. https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Take a look at the discussion at the Read More link at the bottom of the page, and let us know if it's helpful and makes sense.

[Violet00]

Turkish thank you so much for reply. You have no idea how much it helped. I am not sure if cultural issues are in play. Maybe a bit my family lives in Europe while I moved to the us.
And yes it has been like this since I was growing up. When I lived with her full- time in high-school / first years of university back home she would go on rage rants and it would span hours. If we were alone( we were living with her boyfriend at the time) it would would be uninterrupted and uninhibited and  no one there to distract her. At the time I didn’t know she had BPD so I acted emotionally tried to explain beg and plead and rationalize.Sometimes she would scream through the night and I would run away to sleep at a friends house . once I became financially independent and setting boundaries from distance the dynamic somewhat changed and got better. She couldn’t jump out of Skype or kick me out of the house I was paying for. I love her deeply and want to have a relationship with her. I try to help financially and emotionally. I don’t know how to use these techniques such as j.a.d.e, d.e.a.r.m.a.n., s.e.t., etc in situation when she is in full- on rage mode saying anything and everything that can hurt me, setting ultimatums etc.
Today she started ranting from 8 pm and didn’t go to bed until 7 am the next day( it’s currently 7:30 here). I was upstairs the whole time currently I am working remotely and then trying to sleep. I am thinking I should leave but I don’t know how to communicate that I’m not leaving her forever because she says if you leave don’t come back etc.  I feel really emotionally run down and exhausted not getting sleep or being able to feel freedom but then also I feel bad leaving her because I promised to help find a care taker for grandma.(to help out and make it easier for her)I placed an ad already and got a lot of responses but I just feel like it’s so hard to be methodical when I’m in the middle of this. Sorry for the long message I really feel triggered because this is straight out of how it used to be when I used to live with her and I don’t know what to do.

[Turkish]

You're going to leave to go back to your life.  That's a given. Do you feel that she's going to contact you after you leave?

[Violet00]

@Turkish Yes I believe she would. I’m coming back to the US in a week. My flight is in 8 days. By leave I meant should I leave as in temporarily leave the house today and stay somewhere else? Or is taking a time out a less drastic option. 

[SciNerd]

All the things you're feeling are normal! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I too haven't had the strength to walk out of my mom yet. When it's heated in the moment it's hard to think critically and employ the tools you know will help. I find the more reading I do the more phrases I get to help me through the rages... .like "Mom, are you asking me to ____" clarifying their unrealistic expectations. It's so hard but she will never know you're serious until you just do it. You could say something like "I love you, but this conversation is hurtful and not productive, so I am going to leave and when I come back I would like to have a nice conversation. I would like our last few days together before I leave to be positive."

Not sure if any of this helps... .but honestly knowing there's someone else out there going through this certainly helps me!

Good luck... .

[Harri]

Hi Violet.  I think leaving for a short time, using the words given by SciNerd (which are excellent) is the option that will result in less fallout overall.  She is not going to react well of course but letting her know you will return can help.

Of course, if this is too difficult for your own well being you need to take care of you too.

[Living Life]

The last time my uBPD mother raged at me, I was about 67; my father was in the hospital, quite sick, we were at his bedside, waiting for transport to a nursing home, she was obviously quite anxious. However, everything about the situation was wrong; as she is ranting about all her relatives who have died in nursing homes, he is right beside her. As I sit there, passively on the receiving end of all the invective, I am thinking, I have done this my entire life, this is the last time. I am now giving myself permission to walk out when it happens again. Fortunately, I didn't have to test that behavior, knowing that walking out would initially create more drama. There is a freedom in knowing that I now had my own permission to leave if I needed to. That alone was liberating. There are no right answers to the craziness, I send you strength for your journey.

[Harri]

Living Life wrote:

I didn't have to test that behavior, knowing that walking out would initially create more drama. There is a freedom in knowing that I now had my own permission to leave if I needed to. That alone was liberating. There are no right answers to the craziness, I send you strength for your journey.

This is good.     Change, especially challenging their threats, will often result in more conflict but how different is that that what we put up with in trying to avoid doing so?  I am not advocating action to increase conflict but rather a reference for you to check when in a situation like this.  Knowing you have a choice is liberating, giving yourself permission to act and a willingness to accept the consequences is part of detaching and ending the conflict cycle. 

[alphabeta]

Hi Violet00,

You are not alone, because what you describe in your post sounds familiar to how my mother treated my wife and me.  Specifically,

Whenever she is angry she blames me for everything my mom's choices, my sick grandma living with her(her mom), for living abroad and "abandoning the family" etc. I listened and just kept on keeping on being positive, helping out but then it peaked and i just couldn't be calm and realized I have to leave.

For instance, one day my grandmother and uncle were saying things that my mother didn't like, which led her to scream at my wife about how she was making her life miserable, how she was the reason why her family were not validating her, etcetera.

What also rings a bell is:

She is not just angry she is sad and crying making it hard to leave while simultaneously saying horrible cutting insults. She has been ranting for the past 5 hours. I know that I can help her and with things but it never works because once I start implementing the steps she explodes at some point and its impossible to be  anywhere near her.

Every time I tried to set boundaries and say I will leave if she keeps behaving this way she always says our relationship is over and she will forget my name once I walk out of that door.

After my wife effectively ended the relationship with my mother, I took the brunt of the blame.  Furthermore, the ranting for hours on end you describe has occurred all the forty+ years of my life.

I finally got the courage to tell my mother that I would not proceed to suck in all of her emotional pain and leave the conversation (for a day or two).  When I did this, she would either threaten me by to either (1) never speaking with me again or (2) suicide.  In both cases, she would remind me of how miserable I would be for driving her to do these things.

Ultimately, I have made the decision to go LC with her -- I don't see her nor do I speak with her on the phone yet do email her to let her know I'm okay (and also to check that she is okay).

My advice is for you to set an agenda before you come to visit your family and stick to it.  If you aunt starts complaining, just tell her that you had plans that can't be broken.  It might be hard at the beginning, especially if she threatens you.  However, you need to take care of yourself, especially when you are on vacation abroad.

What you do have going for you is the physical distance between you and your aunt -- I would recommend that you continue to live apart from her if you can.

Good luck.

[Violet00]

Thank you so much Harri,SciNerd, Living Life and alphabeta.I want to thank you for your responses... .knowing that there are people out there who are going through or understand similar things makes me feel less alone. I have been using the techniques from the workshop pages. Using phrases like “ I understand that you feel like ... ., I would like to help etc”basically validation and it has been working so far! I was using the phrases that SciNerd gave me as well!  Yesterday she went on small rants surprisingly she tried to maintain her composure a few times and apologized after ,which I appreciated. I have also just completely blocked out the rages. The first few days I was actively listening and taking them to heart and now I just completely ignore and not take as something that has any truth to them. ( as in when she says hurtful things) but when she says things in a more cool and collected manner I engage and respond. Basically things are better and you guys helped me so much in reframing the situation. I am able to be home now and enjoy the time together. I realize that I tried to talk rationally in the beginning and explain things when she would get annoyed by small things but now I just see it as the disease and ignore.  Living life you are right knowing that you can walk out sometimes is enough and gives you perspective on the situation.

[Harri]

Thanks for the update.  It is great to know you were able to take in what everyone said and apply the tools... .and that they worked for you.  It sounds like you have reached a place that will work for you during the remainder of your visit.

Do you think you will be able to apply the tools when you return home and are dealing with her long distance over the phone?  Sometimes even that amount of contact can be challenging and the tools we offer can help then as well.

[Violet00]

Hello Harri,
Yes I believe I would be able to use the tools when I am away because I feel like when we have space between us she is less likely to go on a rant becuse I can simply state that I will not talk to her in that manner and leave the conversation. And while I can technically do this here it is less complicated there.

However I do have a question... .If we are being asked to apologize for something and we don’t perceive we did anything wrong should we do it to appease to them? I feel like I shouldn’t be apologizing because I feel tired that I can do something that’s not on purpose and not directed towards her and she not only blows up at me and calls me every name in the book she also says I should apologize for what I did and how I behaved.
For example  I missed my stop on the train coming back from seeing friends yesterday and  she exploded again. I understand that it took her longer to pick me up at another stop, it was late and it was inconvenient but I said I would take a cab so she didn’t need to do it. She actually was completely silent in the car(would not acknowledge me saying thank you for picking me up)  but exploded once we got home saying I should get out of her sight so I left and then she started yelling that I haven’t even apologized for my behavior and then again cursing me in every way possible and I went to my room trying to ignore her yells. I know she has BPD and there are special ways of handling it but In moments like these I don’t feel like understanding that and I want to act like I feel pissed like I would with any normal person if they behaved this way. What do we do in moments like that? In what way can we react somewhat appropriately(not appeasing to them) but also in line with strategies on how to handle crisis.

[Harri]

If we are being asked to apologize for something and we don’t perceive we did anything wrong should we do it to appease to them?

No.  Appeasing does not work in that it tends to validate the invalid which actually reinforces the behaviors we want to stop and increases future conflict.  

[Harri]

You might find this thread helpful also.  It is on the Bettering a relationship boards but  I think it might help in your question as well.Should I apologize when I have done nothing wrong?

[once removed]

I don’t know how to use these techniques such as j.a.d.e, d.e.a.r.m.a.n., s.e.t., etc in situation when she is in full- on rage mode saying anything and everything that can hurt me, setting ultimatums etc.

by and large, dont. "full on rage mode" is not a time or place to be constructive, and if anything, it can be condescending and make things worse. certainly in that case, its a good idea not to JADE, as that will only fuel a circular argument, feed the fire, etc. the communication techniques are not (necessarily) tools to stop a dysregulation. they are tools for constructively solving conflict, for not invalidating a highly sensitive person, for building trust and communication, etc.

my rule of thumb is that if someone punches me in the face, i wouldnt respond with "i understand how you feel" or "help me understand how you feel".

Every time I tried to set boundaries and say I will leave if she keeps behaving this way she always says our relationship is over and she will forget my name once I walk out of that door.

"i will leave if you keep behaving this way" is a threat. she responds with a threat. she "wins" every time.

for starters, dont make threats you arent prepared to act on (dont make threats in general, they escalate conflict). they become less meaningful every time. if you escalate and try to follow through, she knows intuitively that all she has to do is escalate back. and it works.

taking a time out, however, can be a great tool when used constructively. taking a time out isnt a threat, and it isnt personal. "i will leave if you keep behaving this way" places blame (take it from someone who did it hundreds of times). a time out just says "hey, i need to cool off, reflect, whatever, lets come back to this at ______ time".

How to take a time out
 
So when you can't make it stop your best option is to get away. That means telling them you are taking a time out and walking out of the room, going to watch TV, read a book, take the dog (or just yourself) for a walk, go for a drive, or go work on a favorite hobby. My favorite is going to the bathroom for some privacy and time to think. But you want to do this in a way that doesn't make it worse.    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942

I am supposed to leave the country in 8 days and I realize I want to spend time with family especially my grandma.

this is definitely a case of weathering storms, because you value your time with your family, and its a relatively short amount of time (according to your OP its been 8 days so youre home free or about to be). you need the tools to weather the storms.

[once removed]

I understand that it took her longer to pick me up at another stop, it was late and it was inconvenient but I said I would take a cab so she didn’t need to do it.

why ask if she doesnt need to do it? take the cab 

[SciNerd]

Well I think the apologizing is what we've been conditioned to do, because part of their characteristic traits is placing guilt and blame on others, and it certainly diffuses them quickly but then your own mental well being suffers, because eventually you wonder if you really are to blame ( I know this from lots of personal experience, even in this last week!). I've tried to stick to apologizing only for things I am actually sorry for, and saying I'm sorry you feel hurt, but I don't accept the blame for your feelings... .something along those lines. Truly not accepting the blame they are attempting to put on you will help you feel removed from the guilt trip, and force her to take responsibility for those feelings. It's worked for me a couple times, but of course in the heat of the moment its easy to want to throw a tantrum (as I did last week... .it didn't resolve anything and just made me feel worse about myself). The hardest part of all of this is having to be the bigger person all the time and choosing how you will phrase your words. It's tough but keep at it! Remember you're the most important person in your life. 

[Living Life]

A phrase I learned was "I am sorry you feel that way", delivered non judgmentally, is a calm truth. I had occasion to use it when my mother wound herself up and started her rage by calling me a 'son of a ****', and other expletives as she started her rant, which was in my house, in front of the extended family, at Christmas. I was in front of her; her object is to have me fight back so we can have a huge mutual screaming match. I was about 45 at the time, and wanted to remove myself from all the drama. I said, "I am sorry you feel that way" which was a truthful statement. Her mouth flapped, and she was speechless. She absolutely didn't know what to say. The rage was circumvented, she calmed down, and the crisis was over.