I need some help

[hopefulson]

I actually wrote this last night, but I wanted to post something here for the first time.

Ok well here we go... .so this may be hitting me a bit way too fast but I think my mom has BPD, definitely my brother, and I think myself as well. Growing up it was always us three. My mom’s from Colombia, immigrated to marry my dad, and then raised me and my younger brother. My dad also from Colombia enlisted in the army so we moved around a lot. There was stretches of years where I didn’t see my father, he is a whole other issue I haven’t begun to unpack. My mom was literally grown up on a farm for her young life, she was like Heidi In the mountains she once said. Then she moved to the city with her family, her father was a pastor. My grandparents died when my mom was very young. So she’s been on her own since. I realized that things were not right when I was young and dealing with my sexuality. My mom did not like that. She took me to a Christian therapist who hit me with the Bible. Then she and my father decided that I take a trip with my dad to Colombia to have sex with a prostitute for my first time. As I got older my mom got more emotionally abusive, incredibly manipulative, calling me weak and a ___. This was occurring while my brother was also figuring out his own identity. He started cutting himself, rebelling, getting kicked out of school, all before high school graduation.  That’s when my brother and mom began this toxic emotionally manipulative relationship. He ran away from us and was homeless for a bit until he lived with a girl who he met off MySpace. He lived with this girl, 19/20, and their straight from the Philippines family for 3 years. Awkward. Then he gets arrested for stealing 5$, a chain necklace, and a microphone from their neighbors apartment I te middle of the night. He spends a week in jail and we bail him out. He spends the next three years on probation under my moms supervision. He gets his record expunged thanks to my mom. He ends up doing heroin and nearly dying in nyc which makes him move back to Florida with my mom. He begins another of his many toxic relationships with a 19 year old girl (he’s turning 27, not to judge if you’re in that age bracket but I don’t think 19 you’re generally fully developed with life experience just yet which makes it easier for my brother to prey on them). Come to find out she’s addicted to heroin. He finally decides to move out and moves to Detroit Michigan for no good reason other than that they were hiring and moves to basically one of the most dangerous cities in the country (highland park). As for me... .I end up in toxic relationships, sexually risky definitely, I smoke weed probably way too much and I think I disassociate. I don’t know how to trust people. I can’t have fun. I get anxious in parties and had to cancel on several big events on my life because I didn’t know how to deal with them emotionally. I think I was imagining some strange abandonment. Like feeling left alone at a party is horrifying to me. I can open up to people about things and have relationships but the idea that I will find someone who loves me is 0. I feel like giving up on that love all together. I also want to add the non dramatic reality of this situation. I still love my mom and my brother, my dad can go ___ himself. They can be nice people when they want to be. It’s just that they aren’t really a lot of the time. Like 95%. So I’m listening to Stop walking on eggshells and hoping that I’m going to be ok. I dont have a good cheap therapist to go to (bills are tight at the moment). I think I needed to vent but I’ll take any advice/tips/whatever you guys got because... .___ it.

[JNChell]

Hi, hopefulson. It sounds like you have a lot of concerns and those concerns are going a mile a minute. You can slow down here.  This is a safe place.

In reading your post, I assume that you’re familiar with BPD. Can I be blunt and ask why you think that you have this disorder? Is anyone in your family clinically diagnosed?

What is one thing that is currently bothering you at the moment? Let’s start there and then we can chip away at the rest with you. Does that work for you?

[hopefulson]

Just a lot of the behavior my mom has exhibited in the past (boundaries, manipulation, constant criticism, narcissism and jealousy... .i lived with a different family in college that are like the family i always wanted and have for support, when the youngest son died i went to the funeral with my mom and my mom acted so inappropriately and was acting so nonchalantly and with jealousy at the family and how close i was with them) as well as my brothers own temperment and tornado of impulses and reactions

[hopefulson]

So today was better. I feel like I finally found a name for the thing that's been tormenting my mom and my brother and I've been reading nonstop about BPD. I think the things I was exhibiting, the sexual addiction with risky behavior and the isolation and distrust of people, my anxiety attacks, are all due to having the two most biggest influences in my life create such a paranoia in myself. I feel like I understand why I feel such deep shame for no reason at all and why I feel like I can never find love and support. So looking back at it, No. I don't think I have BPD. I think I was just hit by so much that day that I was feeling paranoid. I talked to my brother who decided that he's getting a face tattoo which will surely destroy my mom if she ever finds out and then I'm going to hear it from both of them. I'm taking this moment to step back and figure out my best tactic without getting myself emotionally compromised. I saw a few videos on youtube that I related to and it made me find hope that there are people out there like me. I feel weird though, like in a weird way I'm rehashing all my old memories and connecting the dots, relooking at situations and seeing them under a new context. I feel like I was raised by the tasmanian devil  but for the first time, I was chipper at work today (at a job I hate). It feels lonely knowing what I know now. Like knowing that the most important people in my world are so self destructive and theyre going to kill each other... .and I just have to let them. And find my own love for myself. That's the hard part is building the confidence now. I'm getting through Stop walking through eggshells and hopefully there are tips on finding confidence boosters

[JNChell]

Hey there, hopefulson. I’m glad to see that you’re feeling better. Knowledge helps. It sounds like you have been doing some real soul searching as well as self reflecting. This is good, good and good! You’re ok.

You have two people in your life that you love that are causing you a great deal of discomfort. You have trouble trusting people. The first thing to understand is that you weren’t treated right at home. I’ve been in your shoes. The second thing to understand is that what we learn in the home as children is taken with us into the real world. Again, I’m in your shoes.

From reading, it sounds like your mom and brother use you as a go-between for communication? Or do they just vent to you? Have you seen our info on Triangulation? If not, here’s a link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

I feel like I understand why I feel such deep shame for no reason at all and why I feel like I can never find love and support.

This really resonates with me. If you’re comfortable, can we talk about this further?

[hopefulson]

Hi there, yes please. Should we talk here or somewhere else? I really need to speak with someone. I don't know if my insurance covers a good therapist but I really want to talk to someone who's in the same situation I'm in.

[JNChell]

We should most certainly talk here. Let it rip.

[hopefulson]

Does it get better? I'm still trying to figure out what my limits are? How should I even begin to talk with my mom? Should I talk with my mom? I feel like my brother is at least aware of his disorder which is good. I guess I want to know is can it better for me? I just want to live a happy life

[JNChell]

It can most definitely get better. What are you speaking of when it comes to limits?

[hopefulson]

Limits in terms of how to communicate with both family members. I feel like now that I'm understanding these issues, I want to stay away from situations that might trigger them. I read about people just dropping all communication with their SO but I don't know if that's the way to go. I also don't think telling my mom that she has BPD will be effective. I guess I need to stop in the thinking that I have to take care of them but I can tell she's having difficulties with a lot of things. Should I just cut the chord and let them destroy themselves? Should I have them in my life and learn to disassociate sort of like watching the news and finding out there's a war in another country? (not that this is the best reaction to war but I hope you know what I mean)

[JNChell]

I just had a whole response ready to send, and it somehow got deleted. Probably a user error.    Read this and bring any questions back to the board. Yeah?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[hopefulson]

wow this is great, thank you so so much! I really appreciate it

Taking this one step at a time and using reinforced optimism to help me through this time.

[JNChell]

Is it safe to assume that you’re being triangulated?

[Cat Familiar]

Hi hopefulson,
It sounds like you've been through so much, having two emotionally unstable family members and an absent father.  

Nevertheless, you've accomplished a lot. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, are self-reflective (something that doesn't happen much in people who have personality disorders), and are seeking solutions!  

Something we talk about here is the concept of "BPD fleas" which means that an emotionally healthy person (a "non") can begin to have BPD thoughts and behaviors. This is simply because being around individuals with BPD, those habits rub off. Not to worry, it sounds like you have a good footing in reality and this is just a transitory thing from being around your family.

Also added to the mix I would guess is significant cultural differences from both of your parents' origins in Columbia. I think it's hard for immigrant parents to see their kids get "North Americanized".

Now to answer some of your questions about communicating with your family. We do not recommend telling anyone that we suspect they have BPD. It's not a hopeful diagnosis, but with DBT therapy and a good deal of commitment, it can be greatly helped.

However, if you're like me, once I realized that my mother, my former husband and my current husband all are pwBPD (people with BPD), it was shocking, a relief, frustrating, saddening, but things finally made sense and I now have a road map for myself about how to deal with them in better ways.

There's a lot to learn here on these pages and in many of the books we recommend. https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

It's up to you how much contact you'd like to have with your mother and brother. So many of us here are caretakers by nature but in order to do this well, we must first take care of ourselves. So put your oxygen mask on first before you try and help anybody else.

Keep telling us more about what's going on in your life and how we can help you.

Cat

[Harri]

Hi hopefulson and welcome!

You said:

hoping that I’m going to be ok.

    You can improve things considerable as you work on you and learn about the disorder so you can begin to depersonalize and understand some of the behaviors and see how they influenced you in the past and may sill today.

Should I just cut the chord and let them destroy themselves? Should I have them in my life and learn to disassociate sort of like watching the news and finding out there's a war in another country?

There are other options here.  The article on the Karpman Drama Triangle that JNChell linked is excellent and a great place to start.  Were you able to see how you might have played into the triangulation in past interactions with your family?  Can you look back and think of things you can do differently that would put you in the center of the triangle?

Cat Familiar talked about 'fleas'.  So many of us on this board who grew up with disordered family members also have behaviors that are not so healthy.  We learn our behaviors and coping strategies from the adults around us so it makes sense that we will have some things we need to work on.  Many of us have a fear of abandonment or have difficulty with the expression of anger.  It is common and in a sense normal after the lessons we learned over a lifetime.  That is part of what we work on, first by recognizing that we have a particular issue and then working on changing our behaviors and coping strategy.

I am glad you began posting here.  We can learn a lot from each other here.  Having a therapist can help but you can also do a lot of work on your own as well.  I got a lot of benefit while working on my own on this board with the support of the truly remarkable people who hang out here.