If a non BPD read some of the stories here, could they relate to them?

[Sandb2015]

As I read and post and soak in everything that is here, I am still shocked at some of the stories and slowly I become acquainted with my story, it’s been about a week of NC and I go down for a few hours and then further down.  The wonderful, caring and gentle advice here is lifesaving, truly. I’m in limbo as I’ve never known it and there will be an end somewhere.

I would never dare show my SO this site unless she and I ended up in a better place.  What would someone with undiagnosed BPD think after reading consistent, similar stories of others.


I would imagine they could not relate in the same way when they become cruel and say the most hurtful and damaging things and “ don’t remember”.  I always wondered why my SO would know they said some terrible things and claimed to forget the details.  Does anyone think they could relate to the stories?

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[Weejie]

I'm not sure if you are asking whether a non BPD would relate to them or a BPD.
I can certainly relate to them and it does help to know that I am not alone.
If my partner read them, I would imagine she would be horrified but would not see that she was doing the same cruel things. That seems to be her way. She is one of the first to express dismay when she hears of someone being abusive to their partner. I have known her express this and then an instant later turn on me.

[Radcliff]

pwBPD often do not have very good self awareness, and have a distorted sense of reality.  I would expect that many or most would not recognize that the material here is relevant to them, especially because it is written from the perspective of a "non."

I'm sorry you've experienced a week of NC.  How did that situation come to be?

RC

[Sandb2015]

First, I’m sorry I meant someone that hasn’t been diagnosed.

4 year relationship, abnormal behavior that I accepted, really terrible, along the lines of most stories here. I’ve been thrown out 20-25 times at the end of an episode, many episodes in between... .

12/19 blowup, I kept in contact, constant texts, pop up at her job trying to reconcile without even knowing what to reconcile, non issues. 12/24 dinner, cold but happy and I’m confused, shaky. 12/25 small gift and the same old circular conversations and says she can’t do this, I ruined her life, extreme devaluation, worst than the usual.  Total love, connection, crying in each other’s arms on 12/31, 1/1 same thing, 1/2 she can’t do this, I don’t love you, give up because I moved on already. That night cold as ice, had dinner, same comments, move on, I don’t love you and I moved on already.  1/3 her birthday dinner, acted like I was the enemy, cold and for the first time outside in public, had an episode and started getting cruel and saying the weirdest things so different than before and devaluing me in the cruelest way.  We left before desert and she drove home and that was that.  This time is so different from before, one or two days tops with some communication.  No response to any very simple texts and haven’t been blocked which is strange.

What has happened to me

[Radcliff]

That sounds exhausting.  It's tough when the relationship goes farther south than it has in the past.  I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that over the holidays.  What are your thoughts about where you would hope to go with the relationship now?  If she contacted you again, what would you do?

RC

[Sandb2015]

I'm broken beyond words and I post here to cope, get advice, empathize with others here.

I'm a strategic thinker, I wax philosophical to balance things, my discussions always end up in the abstract where I thrive, not everyone, fairly few venture with me. I'm hopelessly positive and I feel void of anything good, positive or even when I'm distracted, amused.  That is coming from a person that can find humor in falling down the stairs, breaking my foot and making fun of the direction my toes ended up pointing as I manually put them back straight.

I can be very literal at times just to make a point.



I would run to her holding all the virtual pamphlets of info I've gotten here and never let her go.

This time apart... .I know I have to have learned something here, I hope if she reaches out, it's with the same idea that she has needed time also and used it constructively.  If she does reach out, I'm trying everything to not reach out to her, we must try some counseling together as a start and see how it goes.

[Radcliff]

What you are experiencing sounds similar to what I experienced at the beginning of my BPD relationship.  We would break up, then come back together and cling to each other for dear life.  There is a good chance you'll have an opportunity to reconnect with her.  If that happens, you'll need to be flexible, as well as mindful.  It's not that likely that she'll be excited about counseling.  I wouldn't suggest that in the beginning.

When you come together with her intensely, it's a combination of what she's bringing to the relationship from her past, and what you are.  What factors do you think are influencing your approach to the relationship?

RC

[Sandb2015]

Can you specify that last question?

[Sandb2015]

I'll try to interpret, I see the potential only because I see her struggles now as I look back, she was struggling.  She was struggling for herself and us, I really do believe that.  I look back and there was some horrible things I won't take personally, I did.  I did not have to, I was being overly sensitive and could not distinguish and separate me and her.

I have undying love for her, she's wonderful and has shown me such love and emotion between the episodes, I see that as who she is and the episodes and blowups as the disease.

I won't start with ultimatums, I won't start with anything other than her knowing I don't want her to feel bad, I won't abandon her and I will react different.  I'm EXTREMELY patient and EXTREMELY analytical and I used those thing to analyze and "lecture"--fix the logic with a hammer (me) that is made to chip away at a mountain, I have that type of will in helping her and I did it wrong, I need to help myself and my reactions, shouldn't be a zoning in with my emotions because that triggers myself and water becomes gasoline to her or her disease. I spun her out so many times, she started with the circular logic and I turned it into an octagon.

I could talk a elephant into becoming a mouse under the right circumstance, I'm persuasive, not manipulative.

I have to be cautions, I've read so much here and elsewhere.  This board is a sunny balcony on a dry day with large windows and white curtains.  I find the opposite elsewhere.  I'm devastated now and I remain positive about being together differently, better.  I read success stories and stories from people that suffer from BPD and it's absolutely heartwarming and beautiful and I have hope that is us later.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you are starting to see how your earlier style of being logical and trying to lecture her didn't work for her.  Have you seen this page on learning not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE)?