Detaching ... how long does it take?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I know there’s no timetable on detaching but I’m interested to hear about the range of different experiences with this. How long has it taken to get over the loss, or to make significant progress towards that?

My experience, roughly speaking (and ignoring some ups and downs along the way) has been as follows.

First month: Falling apart. Can’t accept the loss. Finding it hard to focus on anything else. Can’t work. Feeling like we just have to talk to get some closure. Seriously, we have to get closure - it feels like a crime against the Cosmos not to have that. Why won’t she talk?

After 3 months: Ongoing deep sadness. Still no contact, I’m still trying to reconnect. Ruminating a lot about what it all means. But getting some quality support from friends and family and starting to function ok with work/life basics.

6-9 months out: Still no contact from her side. I miss her. I’m accepting there’s no going back but I’m still sad about what’s happened. It’s clear now that closure won’t be possible. I’m learning to make do without it.

9-12 months out: Increasing focus on regular activities, the loss has become part of me but it’s more in the background.

12+ months (= now): I’m most of the way back to normality now (I think/hope). I have no desire to see her or contact her any more, or to restart things between us. That’s all gone, the damage can’t be undone and I’m focusing on what lies ahead, as best I can. I don’t want to devalue her - I’m doing my best to respect what was good in this relationship even though it has to be left behind. That’s the balance I’m trying to maintain in the way I think about all this.

I haven’t seen her for nearly a year now.

The last difficulty? She and I retain some mutual friends, and I think I will still struggle emotionally if we come into contact again unexpectedly as a result of that. I’m still anxious about it and I suppose it will take some more time to get past this.

So in summary for me it’s taken a bit more than a year to get substantial but still incomplete recovery. I’d be interested in any other reflections on how long it takes to detach from these intense relationships that we’re dealing with here.

[Sirnut]

I know there’s no timetable on detaching but I’m interested to hear about the range of different experiences with this. How long has it taken to get over the loss, or to make significant progress towards that?

My experience, roughly speaking (and ignoring some ups and downs along the way) has been as follows.

First month: Falling apart. Can’t accept the loss. Finding it hard to focus on anything else. Can’t work. Feeling like we just have to talk to get some closure. Seriously, we have to get closure - it feels like a crime against the Cosmos not to have that. Why won’t she talk?

After 3 months: Ongoing deep sadness. Still no contact, I’m still trying to reconnect. Ruminating a lot about what it all means. But getting some quality support from friends and family and starting to function ok with work/life basics.

6-9 months out: Still no contact from her side. I miss her. I’m accepting there’s no going back but I’m still sad about what’s happened. It’s clear now that closure won’t be possible. I’m learning to make do without it.

9-12 months out: Increasing focus on regular activities, the loss has become part of me but it’s more in the background.

12+ months (= now): I’m most of the way back to normality now (I think/hope). I have no desire to see her or contact her any more, or to restart things between us. That’s all gone, the damage can’t be undone and I’m focusing on what lies ahead, as best I can. I don’t want to devalue her - I’m doing my best to respect what was good in this relationship even though it has to be left behind. That’s the balance I’m trying to maintain in the way I think about all this.

I haven’t seen her for nearly a year now.

The last difficulty? She and I retain some mutual friends, and I think I will still struggle emotionally if we come into contact again unexpectedly as a result of that. I’m still anxious about it and I suppose it will take some more time to get past this.

So in summary for me it’s taken a bit more than a year to get substantial but still incomplete recovery. I’d be interested in any other reflections on how long it takes to detach from these intense relationships that we’re dealing with here.

[Cromwell]

Hi Sirnut

feels pretty much the same time span template ive went through emotionally.

Its a year and 2 months the ruminations can be non existent and life feels reverted to before we had met. But there is still processing but it is not the same emotional intensity or overwhelming and intrusive as earlier on.

I think I will still struggle emotionally if we come into contact again unexpectedly as a result of that. I’m still anxious about it and I suppose it will take some more time to get past this.

I had this anxiety, its developed more into awkwardness.

Im very much short of a plan of what I would do, the last it happened I was similarly unprepared, traded phone numbers and I felt I was set back to square one.

im interested if you have any plan of what you would do or will you just deal with it when/if it happens?

[Mutt]

Hi Sirnut,

I found that I had to change things in my life that at that time were triggers. I’d have contact with my ex through email because it was less emotional and more importantly it keeps track of the dialogue so that she can’t claim that she never said that. It’s there in black and white for court just in case. I couldn’t be around her without feeling triggered so I was t around her for long periods. I stopped going to her house to pick up the kids and changed the pick / up drop off at daycare so that I do t have to see her. These little strategies I believe speed up the recovery.

If you feel anxiety with being around mutual friends is that something that you can make a change with? If they are friends they’re going to understand and sh’uldok with picking up the r/s / friendship later on.

To answer your question it took me about 3 and a half years until I felt like I moved on from the horrible break up / divorce. I started dating at that time but I was hyper vigilant and didn’t really feel comfortable for another year.

Do what you feel is right for you to self protect and speed up your recovery.

[Sirnut]

Thanks Crom and Mutt for the responses.

I think in reality she feels the awkwardness too, so the upshot now is we’re both staying out of each other’s way. I expect the passage of time will do the rest - these intense feelings do dissipate over time.

It’s not the dignified ending I was hoping for, but it seems to be the best we can do.

[Mutt]

I think that she probably feels shame if she’s not trying to face you. You probably already know that a pwBPD feel a lot of shame - I know that you probably want answers but don’t take her avoidance personally.

[once removed]

I’d be interested in any other reflections on how long it takes to detach from these intense relationships that we’re dealing with here.

i think a lot of it has to do with us individually, and then to some extent the relationship and nature of it.

it took me about a year to put every aspect behind me. even after the pain ended, there was anger, feelings of injustice, things like that. your timeline sounds roughly similar to mine.

how long were you together? looking at the Stages of Detachment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263), where would you say you are?

[Sirnut]

The friendship developed over a period of about four years, with powerful bonding especially in the last year of that. I’d say I’m in the acceptance stage now. Thanks for the comment, it’s helpful to see how other people have experienced things.