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Author Topic: First contact -  (Read 779 times)
Lannos

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: January 12, 2019, 01:32:35 PM »

Is my first time here. I'm writing from Brazil. I'm in a romantic relationship. She is a BPD. I'm looking for help. I feel like a nuclear bomb could explode at any time. I really feel like I'm walking on eggshells. For her, she's always right. The whole world has problems, including me. My wife never admits her actions and the concessions that arise from them. She frequently changes her mood and gets a restrained anger ready to explode. I keep checking what I'm going to say and do to avoid a fight between us. I have been alert or afflicted for this reason. Lately, when we've fought I've been screaming and shaking, as if losing control. It just seems like I'm the one who's out of balance. Need help!
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Copycat2018
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 70


« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2019, 02:07:17 PM »

Hello,

I am fairly new here also. The tools that are given here on the home page are helpful and good so i recommend that you spend time to study them.

One thing i have read about people who marry each other , is that there are issues on both sides. I used to think that my hb was so outrageous that i looked healthy next to him and well functioning however the view that we both have issues makes Sense to me.

I recommend also that you find a support group or if you have family you can share this with that also helps.

This is a difficult thing to carry on your own.
Good luck with everything!
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Sandb2015
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, kicked out on 12/19 after meeting 3/19/2015
Posts: 459


« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2019, 02:36:29 PM »

Copycat2018, welcome, you are in the right place filled with the right people and I'm sorry you are going through this.


I found it impossible to discuss the details to friends and family, I knew what I would hear and I didn't want to, I wanted to protect my love and not look like a fool either.  I've spoken to my Aunt now, not really details and she is so keen on this, she knows all about PDs.

I will seek some kind of therapy and be as forthcoming about everything including myself.
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Just because you think it, doesn't make it true.
Sandb2015
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, kicked out on 12/19 after meeting 3/19/2015
Posts: 459


« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2019, 02:37:21 PM »

Lannos, I'm sorry you are having these troubles, welcome and you are in the right place.
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Just because you think it, doesn't make it true.
Harri
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2019, 06:59:12 PM »

Hi Lannos and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what bring you here.  The good news is that things can improve and you can work on yourself and how you respond to your wife while be4ing supported by people who have been there or are still going through similar.  We get it here and work together to try to improve things.

Can you describe a particular incident that will give us a better idea of what happens when you do argue and when you get 'out of balance'?  It will help if we have details and a better understanding of what is going on so we can guide you.

In the meantime, I hope you settle in and feel free to read and jump into other threads here.  There is a lot of benefit from doing so as it will help you to realize you are not alone and you can see how other people are working on things.  It also helps to have an online support group.  We've got ya.

Again, I am glad you posted.   
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Lannos

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2019, 07:13:48 AM »

Hi Copycat, Sandb2015 and Harry

Thank you so much for your responses. I am very happy to be able to speak to people who directly understand the problem for their own lives.
(I'll try to answer you in this same post)
Copycat 2018 said: "I used to think that my hb was outrageous that I looked healthy next to him and well functioning however the view that we both have issues makes Sense to me".
I really agree with that. I've been doing therapy for a long time. Today, I do two therapies. My older therapist has recommended that I go back to another therapy as well to see if it helps me understand how damaging the relationship is.

Of course there is a kind of denial on my part.
I know there are many questions. I'll try to put some, Harry.
I'm 48 years old, I've been married. I have 3 daughters. But, I had never lived the love, according to my point of view.

I've known my new wife for 10 years. I was in love. But she did not want to date. After about 4 years, we had a courtship that lasted little. we had meetings without commitment until 2017. At the end of the year I gave an ultimatum and said that if we did not stay together, we would end.
Since March 2018 we are living together. we lived great moments together, moments of love and complicity. I finally said to someone, from the bottom of my heart: I love you.

This, among other things, may make me do everything to avoid conflicts in the relationship. The point is that a part inside me, for some problems, does not accept that attitude that it has taken and is getting in the consciousness an answer or an attitude on my part. In general, this starts to generate anger within me.

Then there's a kind of lie to her. I say it's okay, but it's not really. I do this because I know that if I told the truth there would be some sort of quarrel or bad mood on her part.

I'll give you an example: one of the things she does is spend more than she has, borrow me to help her, tell a kind of story, but not pay me when her repayment day arrives, or not give me enough explanations about it.


I do not remember if in October or November she said that the salary was not paid and I lent the amount of the salary and a little more so that she would pay me when the back wage was paid.

Usually, she would not pay if I did not bring it up. I need to touch the subject. She, in addition to not explaining enough, is in a bad mood and can still start with accusations etc. The worst thing is that often this is done with aggressiveness in the tone of voice. In general, I respond to this hostility with my restrained anger. Then, I lose control, I scream and say things that were kept inside me.


This is repeated often and in relation to other subjects as well.

Thank you for being here.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Sorry for writing so much.
Lannos

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Copycat2018
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 70


« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2019, 03:58:59 PM »

Hi,
Thanks for describing. There are people here much more experienced and knowledgeable than myself however, i will put in 2 cents.

You need to make a decision on your own what the boundaries are in the relationship, especially in regards of money. Maybe if finances are not pooled but you keep your money separate you could have a book in which you write down such things as lending or  borrowing and repaying each other and just point at the book when the balance is not paid.

We are doing such a thing with my hb and it works really well but none of us has ever been caught trying to take advantage of the other, so you need to determine how the entries are made and who or how the book is controlled and used.

It seems that you have just started to live together so i recommend that you expect a lot of revelations about your partner as well as yourself ... .rather than the fantasy we all tend to create and call it expectation.

Hope this helps,
Copycat 2018
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Lannos

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2019, 06:12:48 PM »

thanks Copycat2018

I'll try to do something like this book that you suggested. In my case, What each one pays is separate.

Let me understand one thing: This book that you use, both use the book at the same time?

Thanks a lot for the help.

Lannos
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Copycat2018
**
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 70


« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2019, 11:47:12 AM »

Hi,
It is just a big empty book, my hb actually writes down all the expenses every time they occur and we share 50/50. Since it is written down there is no issue with memory.
Most importantly, all things that belong there, should be put down in a timely manner, since memory fades fast.
Hope this helps,
Best,
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Lannos

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2019, 06:33:57 PM »

Hi, Copycat

thanks for the tip!

Lannos
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