What I did wrong in my relationship

[JNChell]

All humans are inherent with making mistakes and not acting as one should. We’re all here because of a destructive relationship/s with a partner that is suspected to be a disordered personality. Whether or not that was the case, I contributed negative things to the relationship that I had with my ex. We can only blame the disorder so far. The disorder is triggered. How did we trigger it?

I triggered my ex with reactivity more than anything. Simple solution finding questions from me would lead to her becoming defensive and it would blow up from there. This would lead to her running off and ghosting me. It was gut wrenching.

I eventually started drinking heavily. I was “self medicating”. It didn’t help a thing. It actually made things worse. The proper solution was to leave her. I don’t leave the women that I’m with. I’m used to hanging on and being left.

What really went wrong in our relationship is that we both had unresolved childhoods. We soothed each other for a while. We even had a baby boy, but we couldn’t overcome what was really inside of us by being together. We broke each other.

I’m wondering if anyone else is ok to talk about what they may have done wrong within their relationship. I wonder quite frequently about if I had this community to lean on while I was still with S4’s mom if things might be different.

[gotbushels]

JNChell  

I triggered my ex with reactivity more than anything. Simple solution finding questions from me would lead to her becoming defensive and it would blow up from there. [... .] It was gut wrenching.

Apparently unexplained blow ups are often common with a BP. You're in good company on that one. I guess on our side what can make the issue more exacerbating is that many nons identify as quite good problem solvers, fixers, people with answers. When our methods don't work with someone close to us (and maybe they've been working for years beforehand), then it causes us to look back on where our guts seem to have spilled out.

What really went wrong in our relationship is that we both had unresolved childhoods.

I appreciate what this may be like. I know that struggle, the irritations can be quite permeated in our lives--and frustrating when we deal with the veins of our unpleasant childhoods in the rock of our lives. It's hard. Going through it with someone that has this identifiable difficulty--it sometimes helps us make that suffering easier to handle.

I’m wondering if anyone else is ok to talk about what they may have done wrong within their relationship.

Sure.     

At the creation stage, I pursued someone I thought was quite emotionally vulnerable, and I overestimated my ability to 'fix' her. I'd 'have' an attractive woman with fixed issues in the end--maybe? I consider that a mistake because I wouldn't pursue such a relationship today. Doing so violates my today's version of my beliefs and values, and the different future I want--it would also harm me and people I love. I don't feel guilty about having done it--fault attributes with knowledge therefore I just pity my ignorant self (or try to). I thank God for my peace.


During the relationship, I reacted to her issues (using the knowledge I had at the time), rather than responding. When a BP dysregulates, I think one of the worst things to do is assume you can fix it without learning some basic tools. To repeat patterns we're familiar with can be the worst things in relationship with a pwBPD. I consider my actions a mistake because again--it goes against how (and with whom) I want to live my life in short, medium, and long term. Again, I don't feel guilty for it (to me 'validation' probably meant that a procedure on a predictive model works rofl). Yes, it hurt me immensely, and yes, I 'dodged bullets', but yes, I took corrective steps and I'm much safer to live a better more peaceful life--I hope.


A lot of the times, the mistakes we look back on are serious, they may have caused a lot of pain (intentional and otherwise) but I think we can also learn to live free of them.

[JNChell]

Thank you for your response and for sharing. I really appreciate how you can look back on your situation and not feel guilt. I’m working towards that. Closure from her would alleviate that. My T, my sister who is a seasoned psychologist and my best friend have all told me that that will likely never happen, but I can’t get it to sink in yet. I’ve not radically accepted it yet. Maybe that’s where the real end of this is for me, and I’m having trouble really letting go. It’s just beyond me at this point how two people can share a child and be where we are with each other. She pretty much told me who she was up front, and I was unaware of what was marinating inside of me. Perhaps there’s a blessing in all of this in the fact that being with her brought out things in me that I need to look at, address and sort out. This all feels like the most painful thing I’ve ever been through, but in reality it isn’t. The most painful thing that I’ve ever been through was my childhood and that child hasn’t healed yet. That’s the core pain, not S4’s mom. She just amplifies it is all.

I have sympathy and a great deal of empathy for S4’s mom. I don’t think that she realizes that and I probably didn’t do a good enough job of letting her know that when it really would’ve mattered. Looking back, it was so chaotic. I’m very sad about the way things turned out, but in a way I’m relieved to not have to deal with the uncertainty of what each day would bring anymore. Where I needed stability, there was none. Digging deeper, that stability need only come from me. We have to be stable within our true selves first to be able to lean on one another if there’s to be any balance.

[gotbushels]

[... .] look back on your situation and not feel guilt. I’m working towards that.

It seems to get easier over time. Keep at it JNChell--we're often alongside each other here on these things we went through.

[... .] in a way I’m relieved to not have to deal with the uncertainty of what each day would bring anymore.

I understand what you mean. I'll share with you that being able to wake up on a weekend without having to handle or contend with my ex is a very great source of joy for me. Peace is a treasure many of us have.

Where I needed stability, there was none. Digging deeper, that stability need only come from me.

Yes. I think I know what you mean. Sometimes when things get tough and I haven't anyone to turn to at that moment (especially FOO), I pray.     It works really well when you do have someone to turn to, or when you don't, or you just want to try and settle it and flex your independence muscles. Of course, praying is also suggested by Daniel Goleman (for all times) and Linehan (for various purposes).

[JNChell]

I’m glad that you brought up praying. I’ve been thinking about spirituality quite a bit through all of this. I’ve been on the fence with what it is for me and what to believe. I was raised in the RC. I’m confirmed. I’ve had trouble subscribing to the ideology. Partly because that sect was forced by my father, and partly because I don’t agree with the teachings as a whole. I do feel that there is a higher power. A center of the universe and possible infinite universes beyond our own. It’s pretty cool to think about, but I don’t know how or where to ground myself in that possibility. When I was young, I was forced to pray. Needless to say, it was ineffective and meaningless. I’ve prayed out of desperation in adulthood. That’s probably not the best place to be praying from either. I’ve not really taken the time to sit in calm silence and cast a prayer. I’ve talked to my best friend about this. He’s a Christian, but doesn’t attend church. He told me that it’s ok to have a personal relationship with God and that it can be of our choosing. Basically he described his take on it as being a way of life, not necessarily having to be a member of a congregation. This makes sense to me. I’m wondering if you have thoughts on that?

[once removed]

i dont think we can learn the lessons about ourselves that we want to take into new, healthier relationships, if we dont dig deeper than asking ourselves how we triggered the disorder. i do think thats one important step in understanding how things broke down, from our exs perspective. but if thats all there is to it, then all we really need to do is avoid BPD, right?

i think that we paired with, bonded with, clashed with our partners, and struggled as hard as we did in the breakup, not by accident, but because of the level of emotional maturity/differentiation both parties were operating at, and that we more often than not struggle in the same ways that our exes do to see ourselves in a balanced or objective way. it doesnt make us bad people. both parties had the best of intentions. it does mean those things about us have surfaced now, and we can work to see them and change them, or not.

so, i did plenty of things wrong. a litany of things that had nothing to do with her. a litany of things that had to do with both of us as personality styles. but the fact is we both had good intentions, and we struggled in spite of them, because we didnt have the right stuff in our relationship, we couldnt resolve conflict, we had some terminal core incompatibilities, and we both did a lot of damage that our relationship couldnt recover from. we couldnt either rise above, or find the strength to split in a healthy way.

while i can list those things on my end specifically, i think its more about the bigger picture of who i was in relationships. my tendency to want to be saved from life. my tendency to want to be idealized, and how i struggled when that naturally faded away. my poor boundaries in relationships, and tendency to want to change my partner into who i wanted them to be, teach them how i wanted them to treat me. my need to be right and see myself as noble in relationships, and make myself into a martyr. my conflict style. my high level of sensitivity. my unrealistic expectations, and frankly, just lack of knowledge, skills, and relative inexperience as to how relationships evolve and devolve. i didnt know what i didnt know.

now, if you want to get specific... .

losing my cool and blowing up. screaming at her, calling names, saying hurtful things, punching holes in walls, trying to intimidate her.

"breaking up with her" a hundred times as a means to get my way.

escalating virtually every conflict with my need to be right, or get a jab in

double standards and trying to give her a "taste of her own medicine"

going outside of the relationship

emotionally abandoning and neglecting the relationship

substance abuse that impacted the relationship, our time together, and our sex life

dismissing most of her complaints/issues with the relationship

at times outright provoking her

given that we fought almost daily, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of examples.

[JNChell]

Hi, once removed. Your post hit me hard.

if we dont dig deeper than asking ourselves how we triggered the disorder.

The funny thing is, is that this was me digging deeper, but you’re right. It needs to go deeper than that. It is deeper than that. Please correct me if I’m not understanding you correctly, but I think you’re saying that simply identifying what I did wrong isn’t really any kind of meaningful solution. That identifying the underlying factors of why I did these things is the real place to work from?

I completely agree with you on the level of emotional maturity. Mine has been quite low. I understand and accept that. I know the reasons why. I’m trying to stay mindful of that and build a better sense of EQ. There is so much to learn and practice here, and I have a lot of trouble in, I don’t even know how to say this, structuring what I need to do here. Prioritizing, I guess. I feel like I’m gaining here and making slow progress, but it feels like I’m all over the place in doing so.

I can say the same things about myself that you listed about yourself when it came to where things ended up with S4’s mom. Other relationships as well. Maybe it can be summed up by trying to fill the void/voids. Expectations are a relationship killer, looking back. I think practical expectations are reasonable, but my expectations were being overly needy and dependent. Emotional immaturity. I imagine that put a lot of pressure on S4’s mom when she was most likely “needing” the same from me. We were both trying to take what the other needed. When the jar was empty, we tried to take from each other. That’s not sustainable. These relationships should be about willfully giving within reason without the expectations of a return.

given that we fought almost daily, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of examples.

It all became such a blur. It’s no way to live for either involved. Thanks for the insight and for sharing this. It helps.

[once removed]

Please correct me if I’m not understanding you correctly, but I think you’re saying that simply identifying what I did wrong isn’t really any kind of meaningful solution. That identifying the underlying factors of why I did these things is the real place to work from?

identifying what we could have done better, and owning it, is very meaningful. likewise, learning new ways/coping/skills will take us far. specifically, im saying that there is usually more to all of it than triggering the disorder. ill give you some examples.

one night we were hanging out in my living room. i was drinking from a glass. i set it down and she freaked out, claiming i was slamming it. i wasnt. i proceeded to drink from it and put it down, and each time she would freak out, shouting at me to stop slamming the glass. i was bewildered, and frankly pretty annoyed. i wasnt setting the glass down at an above average volume in the slightest. something was obviously triggered, right? a vietnam flashback, for all i know. theres nothing about that that i would do differently, no lesson to be learned, except that i wouldnt go back and try to make her feel stupid for it later, multiple times.

being so dismissive of my partners concerns/problems with the relationship might have been a flawed approach in that relationship because she was highly sensitive and needed some extra validation... .i dont care much about that, because its history. it was also a flawed approach because plenty of her concerns/problems were valid.

more than that though, its no way to navigate a relationship or attract a quality mate. i want to be a better listener, a better problem solver, i want to handle conflict with more skill than i did.

my ex was very jealous as were a lot of our exes. going outside the relationship (i sent an inappropriate message that she snooped and found) certainly set her off. i think we can all agree though, that its a relationship killer, and in doing it, i violated my own values, set a bad precedent for my relationship (not to mention totally validated her jealousy), and i gave myself a bit of concern as to what im capable of, that i wasnt as loyal as i pretended to be.

those things didnt have to do with her disorder. just things about me i dont want to repeat in future relationships.

[JNChell]

Ok. I get it.

[JNChell]

Man, you list so many things that are so familiar. Things that I’m guilty of. Things that she’s guilty of. When did you recognize it and when did it all start to finally come together for you?

[once removed]

when i tried to date again and i ran into the same old stuff. it dawned on me these werent just problems i had in the relationship. it was me.

this time around though, there was something very freeing about that idea. it didnt mean i was some bad or inherently flawed or unloveable person. it didnt mean i was doomed to repeat my mistakes. it meant i was responsible, which meant i could learn new, better, healthier ways, and i found that empowering.

to be very frank with you JNChell, learning those new and better ways and putting them into practice made it all the more obvious. today, i wont say im not that guy anymore. the guy i am is fully capable of doing all of those things. he just sees, and makes better choices today.

[JNChell]

Thank you.

[gotbushels]

This makes sense to me. I’m wondering if you have thoughts on that?

I think there's quite a lot of senior members that have something to contribute to this. I'm hoping they'll share too.

I think prayer in the Christian context works well. It's an activity that I think provides the stability you were seeking (where there was none, as you describe), and adds to stability that you may already have.

The relevance of prayer to when we think we've done things 'wrong', is that I think it provides one's self with a personal 'climate' that seems to work well for healing, compassion, and understanding.


In a Christian context I have these thoughts.

I’ve had trouble subscribing to the ideology.

I don't like some things in Christian ideals either. It might help to remember that God loves His people in the way described in 1Cor13. The point is that when we have someone that loves us that way, I think it allows us to pray more freely.

Partly because that sect was forced by my father, and partly because I don’t agree with the teachings as a whole.

I had some things Roman Catholic forced upon me too, so I appreciate what this might feel like for you. In times like that, it helped me to look at the human in question as an obstruction to my access to God. I.e., why should I rely on this person (e.g., pastor, parent, church member) to tell me what God is like (and what God can do for me), when I have the bible itself? I was pleasantly surprised reading over the Vatican's commandments website that those ideals weren't as scary or demanding as I was led to believe. E.g., I think 'honour your parents' as the obligation has reciprocal rights that are due to the children.

When I was young, I was forced to pray.

I know a bit of this. When I was young, I remember being dragged to church with a horrific fever--so I share with you again not to let whatever experience another human created for you stand in the way of something good for yourself.
 

I’ve prayed out of desperation in adulthood. That’s probably not the best place to be praying from either.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. In the context of managing a BP, or having lived some time with one, nons see a huge amount of anxiety, difficulty, and desperation--even seeing it as their 'norm'. I think in those places, prayer may be highly effective--I'd say don't let your notion about what prayer 'should' look like get in your way when you need prayer the most.  

I’ve not really taken the time to sit in calm silence and cast a prayer.

I don't recall seeing you need to pray like this all the time in order to pray effectively. I do it at all kinds of times, about a lot of things, it doesn't need to be a "dear Lord" or of the format recommended in the bible.


Enjoy your peace.