Hopefully my theory to counter child alienation is correct, what do you think?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello BPD Family,
A few months ago I posted about the non stop parental alienation from the mother of my child.  It took sometime but I have a firm action plan in place and want to know what everyone thinks before I give it a go.

Removing/Mitigation the Source of Child Alienation
In my older post I stated that I have refusal of first right, the biological mother of the mother of my child is way worse, I suspect she is highly NPD.  NPD grandma watches my son 1 day a week.  The mother of my child told me horror stories about the child abuse, neglect and child molestation from her mother, so I really want to remove this variable from my son's environment.  My family also witness NPD grandmom purposely trying to partake in the "long distance goodbyes" with my son and then tried to use that against us that my son doesn't want to go with us.  The court system in my state says emotional abuse has to be constant overtime and the child needs to be officially diagnosed... .I am not waiting for this to happen.
Now I have to be careful of how I pursue this.  If I have off only during when the NPD grandmom has him the court system may see it as I am purposely trying to remove my son from the presence of NPD grandmom.  My plan is to your refusal of first right equally, for each day I have my son instead of NPD grandmom I will the equally take him out of daycare for a day.  This way everything is equal in refusal of first right.

Creating an Affirming Environment
We have to meet at the police station to exchange custody of my son.  exBPD has tried to partake in "long distance goodbyes" however I found that by distracting him with toys to make him happy and then talking about the custody transfers helps a lot.  In the future I want to have a set schedule in which I drop my son off at daycare and she picks him up.

Co-parenting Counseling
As per my previous post, everyone thinks this is a tricky idea.  The courts agreed that the co parenting counselor's reconmendation can be used for court hearings.  My fall back plan is if this goes south is to strictly stick to the custody agreement, as recommended by david or forever dad.

Therapy for Child
My son will be 3 very son and we both agreed that he should begin therapy.  My son says "mommy says daddy's a bad guy", etc.  Hopefully this will put an end to this nonsense.

Any other ideas would be helpful as well.  I always let my son communicate with his mother and I never talk bad about his mother in front of him.  Actually I just thought of a good story, recently we went down to the beach, we where walking through a gift shop and my son picks a gift off the shelf and says "buy for mommy",  I gave him money (he's on 2.5 years old) and let him pay for the gift.  At the custody exchange my son gave her the gift and after she was done putting him in the car seat, she gives me the gift back and says "I don't want this".  That truly broke my heart, now everyone can see who I am dealing with and the person they are.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello BPD Family,
A few months ago I posted about the non stop parental alienation from the mother of my child.  It took sometime but I have a firm action plan in place and want to know what everyone thinks before I give it a go.

Removing/Mitigation the Source of Child Alienation
In my older post I stated that I have refusal of first right, the biological mother of the mother of my child is way worse, I suspect she is highly NPD.  NPD grandma watches my son 1 day a week.  The mother of my child told me horror stories about the child abuse, neglect and child molestation from her mother, so I really want to remove this variable from my son's environment.  My family also witness NPD grandmom purposely trying to partake in the "long distance goodbyes" with my son and then tried to use that against us that my son doesn't want to go with us.  The court system in my state says emotional abuse has to be constant overtime and the child needs to be officially diagnosed... .I am not waiting for this to happen.
Now I have to be careful of how I pursue this.  If I have off only during when the NPD grandmom has him the court system may see it as I am purposely trying to remove my son from the presence of NPD grandmom.  My plan is to your refusal of first right equally, for each day I have my son instead of NPD grandmom I will the equally take him out of daycare for a day.  This way everything is equal in refusal of first right.

Creating an Affirming Environment
We have to meet at the police station to exchange custody of my son.  exBPD has tried to partake in "long distance goodbyes" however I found that by distracting him with toys to make him happy and then talking about the custody transfers helps a lot.  In the future I want to have a set schedule in which I drop my son off at daycare and she picks him up.

Co-parenting Counseling
As per my previous post, everyone thinks this is a tricky idea.  The courts agreed that the co parenting counselor's reconmendation can be used for court hearings.  My fall back plan is if this goes south is to strictly stick to the custody agreement, as recommended by david or forever dad.

Therapy for Child
My son will be 3 very son and we both agreed that he should begin therapy.  My son says "mommy says daddy's a bad guy", etc.  Hopefully this will put an end to this nonsense.

Any other ideas would be helpful as well.  I always let my son communicate with his mother and I never talk bad about his mother in front of him.  Actually I just thought of a good story, recently we went down to the beach, we where walking through a gift shop and my son picks a gift off the shelf and says "buy for mommy",  I gave him money (he's on 2.5 years old) and let him pay for the gift.  At the custody exchange my son gave her the gift and after she was done putting him in the car seat, she gives me the gift back and says "I don't want this".  That truly broke my heart, now everyone can see who I am dealing with and the person they are.

[worriedStepmom]

First right of refusal counts for ordinary work days too?  (Neither H nor I have that in either of our decrees, so we aren't sure how it works.)

Does NPDGrandma have your son on a consistent day of the week?  Is it likely that if you take your son 2 days a week, your ex might just shift to having NPDGrandma taking him a different day or days?

[zachira]

You are working on a long term plan to deal with the attempts of your son's mother to alienate you from your son. You are very aware of how difficult the custody exchange is for everyone involved and taking the high road by trying to make the custody exchange as easy as possible for your son without involving him in the bad feelings between you and his mother. You are being extremely proactive: observant about how the child's view of you is affected by interacting with the other parent and other relatives like the grandmother who are doing everything to make your child take sides, and continuing to do what you can to get the most favorable custody agreement. I really did not understand the part about first right. Can you please explain that? It is important to remind your child from time to time that he does not have to take sides, that he can love both you and his mother. Do listen very attentively and show that you care about his feelings when he expresses his anguish about the situation with his mother and other relatives, and continue to not criticize his mother and grandmother like you are doing now. One of the biggest challenges is that the parent and the participants who are doing the alienating try to make the child take sides, and the child can end up believing that he must choose one parent over the other to not be abandoned. I am glad you are considering therapy for your son, as this will give him a place to safely address the conflict between his parents. Have you read "Splitting"? For nearly everyone who posts here, not looking bad or just getting plain angry at the people with BPD/NPD in our lives, is a huge challenge most of the time, because of how manipulative and mean these types of people can be, and they can make us look like we are the problem at the worst of times, and there is no such thing as being too prepared for this. "Splitting" gives some good advice on how it is important to be on our best behavior as much as possible, especially when the partner with BPD/NPD is acting out and telling lies that are convincing to others. Being the parent that listens to the child and validates how he feels and what his particular interests and talents are, will strengthen your bond with your son, and likely distance him more from his mother as time goes on (not that this is your intention, as ideally you would like him to have a good relationship with both you and his mother.) Keep us posted on how things are going.

[ForeverDad]

Right of First Refusal is a double edged sword, so to speak.  Seeking certain restrictions likely could not be imposed on just one parent.  If contested the court may be inclined to rule that the conditions apply to both parents.

Typically grandparents have few rights — and some states default to no rights — when it comes to parenting.  Are you describing ex's grandmother is using some of ex's time for the grandchild care?

Initially, my post-decree had ROFR.  My ex didn't like my parents toward the end of our marriage, no surprise.  Even though they were in their 80's she didn't want our youngster in their care.  Well, she had issues with her own mother and stepfather (by then he was deceased) too.  So I had the lawyer include a clause that all grandparents were excluded from scheduled care.

When dealing with ROFR ponder what the optimal trigger hours would be.  Too short and your ex will always be jumping in to 'save' the kids.  Also, which caretakers are excluded from triggering ROFR?  Obviously school.  What about daycare?  What if your sister takes her kids and your kids to the park, movies, amusement park, etc for a day of fun?

[Newyoungfather]

With my refusal of first right (ROFR) it only applies for when the other parent is working.  Sorry that I didn't specify in the original posting. 
Yes ex's grandmother is being used for daycare as well.  I am lucky enough that since we have 50/50 legal custody, she can't switch the days being used for daycare, the daycare schedule has to remain set unless we both agree to change it.
My son isn't in daycare at all when he's with me, I have him for 5 full days on a 2 week schedule, I do have a lot of parenting time but I still notice signs that he's being brainwashed, hence the pushed to get him into therapy.